No presents please, fed up with shite!

[Catsanddog]

So I have a November birthday and family of 6 children and hubby. I have fairly simple tastes and definitely not extravagant but every Birthday/Christmas I'm so disappointed that I've told them not to buy me anything this year. Examples are new purse- no coin compartment so useless to me. Slippers, pj's and dressing gown - all wrong sizes. I like Sanctuary products and they always buy " wannabe" you-know similar colour and branding but not actual! Earrings- I chose exact pair and told daughter which shop to buy from knowing budget allowed last year - smaller pair appeared for birthday and lost their gold after a few weeks as only gold plated. Same box of chocolates every bloody year!! They do not exchange the items or provide receipts so I can get something that fits or that I actually like so I've said really don't bother and they think I'm ungrateful. Am I being unreasonable?

I think a different approach is needed to an 11 year old than a husband of 20+ years!

Parents should certainly be delighted with what children buy them of their own free will with their pocket money and not criticise or make the child who's bought a present for the adult feel crap.

With a very long term partner yes, I think you can be honest as you're putting effort into his present in return but I wouldn't be so sure everyone else is as delighted as you think with what you choose them - I notice you don't mention buying them gifts "to order" the way you want them to do for you and wonder whether the buying for others (especially trips away which you get to enjoy equally with the recipient) is something that you derive pleasure from so that you're getting more out of the giving end than the others, who perhaps are simply less invested in both gift giving and receiving than you.

Read the OP. She’s told them not to bother and they think she’s ungrateful.

I'm with @Tadpoll, it's the waste I can't stand

My kids are only teens so I don't ever say anything. My dh doesn't bother about his own birthday so genuinely doesn't think that anyone else sees differently to him.

I've had conversations so we now don't buy presents for each other & just go out for dinner or away for a weekend.

I know how you feel. Even saying that you don’t want anything doesn’t work. It’s very frustrating and wasteful.
I’ve put things straight in the charity beg before now, and they still don’t get the message !

Tell them that you want something of this list - give them links to the EXACT products. Say the words "off this list or nothing"

Then ask them to tell you what you have given them and if they're shitty and not right or if they are fantastic and lovely. Maybe you're not as right about what you've given them? or maybe they will realise they're being shitty.

I'm another "sending links" person. TBF DH tries his best and sometimes does a great job, but he routinely fails to think about Christmas until 23rd December. The DDs are now adults so they also remind him regularly. Most things on the list are in the £10 - £15 region so everyone is happy.

Thanks for all the responses.

Agree with you op. Im January get everyones xmas recycled ha. Just zero thought in it. I stop friends birthdays after this.

This^
In our house (DH, me, 2 older teens) we compile a list with a selection of things at different prices we would like and links to them. If I see something in a shop I take a photo of it. I'v just started my Christmas list!
We can also share the list with extended family members who may ask for ideas.
That way we get the surprise gift but it's something we actually want.

I'm sorry, OP, I don't mean to be mean but...

I just don't get the fuss over presents when you're an adult. It's so unimportant!

If you want something, buy it yourself. And I don't get the 'tell people exactly what you want, get them to wrap it up and then unwrap it on your birthday' business. It wouldn't be a surprise, and there would be no element of input from the giver - it would just be a mechanical transaction.

Children - yes - presents are magical and special, and usually they don't have the power to obtain things themselves. But I don't understand why adults set such store by presents. Get what you want yourself and let people give you token presents chosen by them - and do the same for them. Works much better!

I'm with you OP - I hate getting gifts that I don't really want - it just makes more work for me in working out what to do with them. It does seem that there is a current prevalent view that gift giving is more for the gift giver's benefit than for the recipient's, whereas surely it should be mostly for the recipient's benefit, or the gift giver isn't really doing something nice.

I provide a list of simple, inexpensive items that I am happy and delighted to receive. I have trained my husband and children to not go off piste - or at least to realise that if they do, I reserve the right not to like it (and they know to keep receipts!).

I know that lots will say this is "sucking the joy out of gift giving", but I get to receive something I want; and my family know that I will like it and that I'm not that bothered if they don't get me anything.

now I just need to train my parents who spend a small fortune on things that I have no use for and won't take "please don't buy me gifts" as the end of the conversation

I'm sorry but this is such rubbish.
What you mean is "some people can't be bothered to put the thought and effort into being good at gift giving ". I thought the PP who said her DH suddenly got very considerate and thoughtful when she bought him generic, thoughtless presents pretty much summed it up.

I don't buy the "Dh was very disappointed when he realised they were gold plated". He'd have realised that from the cost.

Gift-giving is supposed to be about someone buying something for you. Something that they think you will enjoy or like. The very act of giving you a gift is a display that they love and care about you.

How is giving someone a gift they don't want, a display that they love and care about you? If anything, it's the opposite. If they love and care for you, they would get you something you did want. Or nothing, if that's what you'd specified.

I just don't get the fuss over presents when you're an adult. It's so unimportant!

such a tedious attitude. That is fine for you, for OP, not so much.

There are so many reasons for wanting the "right" thing: you know you're not allergic to it, you know you will use it, it won't end up as just so much tat* lying around and eventually in landfill or sold, people have limited budgets they may as well get use out of it, gifts are often treats that you want but don't want to fork out for yourself, etc etc etc

Gits from children that they have made or chosen for themselves are the exception to this. They must always be appreciated.

*the giver might think it is The Most Amazing Gift Ever In The History Of Gift Giving - if it is something the reciever doesn't want, need, or expressed a desire for - it is dust gathering tat most of the time.

OP I’m with you - I have a parent who spends a lot on me but they are things I just do not want and will never use. I’d rather have nothing because it is stressful and I feel guilty about the item and the waste of money

my mum used to buy me clothes - in the size that she wanted me to be, which was 3 sizes smaller than I actually was. Usually from a shop which didn't go over a size 16 abd without the receipt. They were an incentive to slim into them apparently.
never worked

@CulturePigeon I don't always have the finances to buy everything for myself that I would like to have as a treat (which is what a gift is).
But a wish list doesn't have to be "Buy me X" but a selection of things you would like and enjoy. For example I like books. There is several by authors I like out at the moment so my 'wish list' might have 20 books listed but I would put "choose 2 from the list please" so I would still be getting a surprise.
But if I said "I would like some books" I could end up with genres I don't like, authors I don't like, books I have read etc.
My favourite part of Christmas is getting gifts - does that make me childish? Maybe. I don't care. It's my favourite part of Christmas.

Some people are into buying gifts and carefully selecting the perfect thing and some people are not - I understand where your coming from but tying up gift section as a measure of love/caring….there be dragons IMO

This. My DH is a bit hit and miss on gifts, but he shows his thought for me in other ways and that's what matters.

I appreciate the responses, thank you. And the fact that lots of you understand where I'm coming from on this one . I'm also having a think about some of the responses that don't agree with me and interestingly agree with some of those points too.

My presents improved greatly when DD's got old enough to choose and buy on behalf of DH. He was literally useless, not cheap, just bad choices, and so much waste.

I now get everything that I want, and it's all perfect. I trained my DD's well! They started buying for DH (who just refunds them the money) from about 16.

My brothers on the other hand, who have obviously known me all my life, send wine, always. I don't drink, have never drunk. Now that's lazy and unthinking. DH gets to drink it all 😥

YANBU. Maybe give them the exact item with exact link. If they fail to buy it then get them the bare minimal and stop buying for adults.

Get your brothers things they can't use.

Make an Amazon wish list of things you do want and ask them to buy from that.

I would stop giving people ideas and just say you’d like a surprise. You may get a box of chocs, which is fine, or they may actually surprise you.

I agree that getting something a bit like the thing you asked for but not quite is very frustrating. My mum does this as well (eg buy two of a cheap version of the thing I actually wanted). It’s just a waste and also makes me feel I can’t go and get myself the thing, because I already have the shit version.

Take all that stress out of it. Buy yourself the things you want and let them come up ideas for presents themselves.

You can’t be annoyed by a gift that you are given. It’s down to the gift giver to chose. Children like giving parents a gift, so I’d encourage the children to give a token gift, something small or handmade, rather than spending money on something you don’t need. Treat yourself to something you actually would like.

I haven’t got any children. DH and I gave up on gifts years ago. We just go out and do, or buy, ourselves nice things when we want them (finances permitting) rather than waiting for our birthdays. At Christmas, we buy presents just for family children and we gift food/drink when visiting friends/family over the festive period. Less waste and money and no tedious Christmas shopping panic for all of us.

But if you agree with whoever you buy for that you won’t buy each other gifts, then you can use that money to treat yourself. I would HATE to think that a family member was going without a treat they’d love (like a book) just to spend their money on buying me a gift that I might not want or need.

None of the adults in my family buy one another gifts anymore. We all now save the money we’d have spent buying gifts for 12 adults (siblings, their partners and parents) that we would all previously have bought presents for.