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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family just aren’t bothered about me are they?

54 replies

SirMoose · 20/10/2022 21:03

I’ve always made lots of effort to keep in contact with my family. I’ve never really felt like I belong, but I thought I should make an effort. I would facetime my dad weekly to chat and for him to chat to my kids, message grandparents and aunties and uncles maybe once every couple of weeks to check in. Arrange catch ups, invite people round for dinner every so often etc. my husband made a comment a while ago that they only really seem interested in talking to the kids, not me and he wondered if they would bother with me at all if I stopped making the effort. My eldest had her own phone now and she gets lots of FaceTimes and messages off everyone to see how she is and to chat. I stopped to see if anyone would bother with me. It’s been 6 months now and not one person has messaged or called me. I haven’t spoken to my own dad for 6 months. No one acknowledged my birthday, no one told me my gran was in hospital.

I just feel so empty. I don’t know why I’m so different to them all, my family all are really close and I’ve always just been on the outskirts. I guess now it’s confirmed they’re only really interested in my children.

6 months is a long time isn’t it? Am I being unreasonable or am I just being a bit pathetic? I know i have my own little family now but my heart just hurts that I’ve never really been wanted by my own family. No real point to this I guess just feeling sad tonight.

OP posts:
Letthekidsplay · 20/10/2022 21:05

I think your husband is an arse for putting that idea in your head

ThingsIhavelearnt · 20/10/2022 21:06

Does your child not ask and say mums birthday Friday what time are you calling?

my parents definitely want my children and not me - if my daughter wanted contact she could but she doesn’t without me so they can’t be bothered

Comedycook · 20/10/2022 21:08

Letthekidsplay · 20/10/2022 21:05

I think your husband is an arse for putting that idea in your head

I agree.

Call your dad, ask him why he hasn't called you?

I can see why you feel hurt.

Original poster
SirMoose · 20/10/2022 21:12

I don’t want to speak to him to be honest. He’s not been a particularly great dad to me.

OP posts:
BeautifulElephant · 20/10/2022 21:14

I don't think you should assume that they don't care if the only reason is because they don't initiate contact especially since the dynamic has been that you do the contacting...they probably just assume if you don't contact them then you must be busy. But if there's other reasons to make you think they don't care then obviously that needs taking into account.

How do you feel about telling them that you'd like more contact from them? It doesn't have to be confrontational just an open conversation.

Original poster
SirMoose · 20/10/2022 21:17

I just feel fed up I guess.

OP posts:
avawaters · 20/10/2022 21:19

Please try not to take it personally. Easier said than done, I know! I’m from a family where they’re only interested in what they can get out of me rather than having a normal relationship with me. They never check in with me and I’ve learnt to be ok with that.

Just out of interest, did you notice this before your husband pointed it out to you?

ineedakickupthe · 20/10/2022 21:26

Does your DH feel bad that you were running around after them and there seemed to be not reciprocation or care on their part?
I've noticed the same thing with DH's family. They call him first if they need money or something else etc but not to talk/ see how he is/ invite round or offer to visit. That all comes from him all the time. They are in plenty of contact with each other though. I would never point it out to be mean. I feel that they use him and it makes me sad and angry for him.

Dreamwhisper · 20/10/2022 21:32

I'm surprised at some responses on here. Yes of course you are right to feel sad and no it's not your DHs fault. If I don't call my mum for a week she gets worried about me and likewise I would be worried if I didn't hear from her. It would be a cold day in hell before my children went without at least a phone call on their birthday. It's highly unusual and I'm so sorry OP. And to anyone who would say well that's your dynamic and some people go years or whatever, the point is OP cultivated a dynamic where they were frequently in touch and for them (the family) to allow that to drop off completely with no question is obviously an issue.

I would google chosen family. You have to learn that as within your rights you are to be upset at their actions, you cannot control them or their motivations and the best thing you can do, though it will be hard and a long process, is to learn to not invest emotional energy in them. This is not a you problem, you are not inadequate or unlovable. This is very much their issue.

Original poster
SirMoose · 20/10/2022 21:35

avawaters · 20/10/2022 21:19

Please try not to take it personally. Easier said than done, I know! I’m from a family where they’re only interested in what they can get out of me rather than having a normal relationship with me. They never check in with me and I’ve learnt to be ok with that.

Just out of interest, did you notice this before your husband pointed it out to you?

I think deep down I noticed it but didn’t want to admit to myself really.

OP posts:
Paddingtonsmarmlade · 20/10/2022 21:47

I did the same thing 8 years ago. Haven't heard from them since and I've had 2 kids in that time.

Want2beme · 20/10/2022 21:47

I've got a sister I don't speak to from one year to the next. We've never had a bond. I call DM regularly, no DF. We live in different countries. If I were you, I'd be thinking that your family have no interest in you. That sounds harsh, but their lack of contact would suggest that's the case.

Are you going to speak to them about it?

Comedycook · 20/10/2022 21:50

SirMoose · 20/10/2022 21:12

I don’t want to speak to him to be honest. He’s not been a particularly great dad to me.

Sorry to hear that. I can see why you feel upset by it all... concentrate on your dh and dc.

Original poster
SirMoose · 20/10/2022 21:52

Want2beme · 20/10/2022 21:47

I've got a sister I don't speak to from one year to the next. We've never had a bond. I call DM regularly, no DF. We live in different countries. If I were you, I'd be thinking that your family have no interest in you. That sounds harsh, but their lack of contact would suggest that's the case.

Are you going to speak to them about it?

No I don’t think I will. They’re clearly not bothered so I’m going to just try and move on.

OP posts:
MiniPumpkin · 20/10/2022 22:00

Letthekidsplay · 20/10/2022 21:05

I think your husband is an arse for putting that idea in your head

Legit my first thought

StClare101 · 20/10/2022 22:05

Well, at some points by your children may lose interest in their boring relatives.

You say your Dad wasn’t a good parent. Perhaps it’s best that you stay low contact with him anyway.

I do feel for you but it sounds like you have built a lovely life so screw them.

avawaters · 20/10/2022 22:06

It feels so much more real when other people point it out doesn’t it? We can sometimes bury our head in the sand about things until it’s pointed out. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling sad tonight. I hope this distance can give you a bit of clarity and maybe reassess where you put your energy. I would only put it in whose that really care and appreciate you. 🥰

Original poster
SirMoose · 20/10/2022 22:23

My husband is not an arse.

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 20/10/2022 22:26

Your husband is not an arse OP. I'm sure he didn't contact your dad and ask him to ignore you for 6 months just so he would be proved right!

I did something similar years ago. With some people it is definitely out of sight, out of mind. Unless you can be useful to them of course.

Want2beme · 20/10/2022 23:05

No, you're husband's not an arse for saying that. Your family don't contact you, missed your birthday, didn't tell you about your grandmother being hospitalised, etc. He's probably sad for you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/10/2022 23:20

The same thing happened with my B&Sil I'd had enough of always ringing so I thought i'd wait for them to ring me..., 21 years later, I'm still waiting
I'm sorry, it is hurtful
I hope you have good friends you can count on

mamabear715 · 20/10/2022 23:47

I'm so sad for you, @SirMoose Pour all your love into your DH & DC. Hugs. x

Cantstandbullshit · 21/10/2022 00:34

Letthekidsplay · 20/10/2022 21:05

I think your husband is an arse for putting that idea in your head

How? We have no idea how long they’ve been married but the fact he said it and was right suggests he has seen enough over the years to know they don’t care about her.

he’s her husband and it’s good he told her truth as he sees it while being supportive of her rather than let her continue to be treated badly by her parents.

Pleiades2020 · 21/10/2022 04:42

I don't know why people are saying your husband is at fault, it's your family that are the problem not him. Mine are like that, will only talk to me if I phone or when they need something from me, and even if I do phone my mum never bothers to talk to me - I gave up calling a couple of years ago apart from birthdays and Christmas. And it hurts, because you feel deep down they don't want you. The dialogue should be two way. What you have here is a case of useless family syndrome. It gets especially difficult at Christmas because we're fed this lie by the media that we should all be happy families whereas the reality is different for a lot of people.

It's hard to deal with, but what they do is out of your control. One thing you could do is pull them up on it and see if they change.

mycatisannoying · 21/10/2022 05:04

Letthekidsplay · 20/10/2022 21:05

I think your husband is an arse for putting that idea in your head

Not really. He probably just saw his lovely wife knocking her pan in, and getting absolutely nothing in return.
Flowers
Sometimes it takes others to point things out to truly see the reality of the situation.

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