My family just aren’t bothered about me are they?

[SirMoose]

I’ve always made lots of effort to keep in contact with my family. I’ve never really felt like I belong, but I thought I should make an effort. I would facetime my dad weekly to chat and for him to chat to my kids, message grandparents and aunties and uncles maybe once every couple of weeks to check in. Arrange catch ups, invite people round for dinner every so often etc. my husband made a comment a while ago that they only really seem interested in talking to the kids, not me and he wondered if they would bother with me at all if I stopped making the effort. My eldest had her own phone now and she gets lots of FaceTimes and messages off everyone to see how she is and to chat. I stopped to see if anyone would bother with me. It’s been 6 months now and not one person has messaged or called me. I haven’t spoken to my own dad for 6 months. No one acknowledged my birthday, no one told me my gran was in hospital.

I just feel so empty. I don’t know why I’m so different to them all, my family all are really close and I’ve always just been on the outskirts. I guess now it’s confirmed they’re only really interested in my children.

6 months is a long time isn’t it? Am I being unreasonable or am I just being a bit pathetic? I know i have my own little family now but my heart just hurts that I’ve never really been wanted by my own family. No real point to this I guess just feeling sad tonight.

Of course it's upsetting OP, especially when you had made an effort. I do think your DH was a bit tactless in stating the obvious. Do you get on with his family? When speaking to your children, does your family ask them how you are doing? Are you active on social media, because some people seem to think reading and liking posts are the same as staying in touch physically.

This may be harsh but there is true in it - Blood doesn't always equal love.

To all those saying her husband is an arse - no he’s not!

Being the scapegoat in a family is definitely a thing. I imagine it starts when you are young instigated by a parent. Possibly a reflection of something that happened in their childhood.

If they aren't particularly friendly to you I don't think I'd encourage a close relationship with your DCs. Why would you let your DCs see they think you are not worth spending time with or having an interest in?
Perhaps have some counselling to see whether it's affected you. And to realise it's all about them, not about you. Horrible lot.

This may be harsh but there is true in it - Blood doesn't always equal love.

So true. What made me realise that DH's parents couldnt give a shit about me was that when we come to their door, they look at and greet DS & DH straight away and never me. It's like I'm just an attachment that doesn't matter. Very revealing that was.

As for my lot, yes horrible is the only word that describes them!

Personally I would be talking with them about it.

I would ask them, say that 6 months ago it was pointed out to you that your family don't seem to initiate any contact and when they are with you appear to ignore you so you had left initiation up to them and are very upset that not one of them has contacted you etc, however you would like to build back relationships with them if it were reciprocal.

I don't think he is.

I ised to call with my mum every second day. Then I realised it's always me calling. We haven't spoken for 2 months outside of few messages on family what'sapp, before she called.
While they don't at least forget my birthday (well most of them) I have absolutely realised that mlst contact was initiated by mr and no one is actually too fussed... We are just sometimes on family chat and sometimes call, like once a month or so.

Op would come to it anyway. I don't think DH did nothing bad. My DH pointed this exact thing to me with one now former friend. He did it only because he couldn't watch me run after someone who didn't care much.

I don't think your dh is an arse. It's hard to watch someone be treated badly for years and not say anything.
Their loss OP - done people are just bloody useless and there's nothing you can do except accept it and focus on the people who really are there for you!

My friends don’t contact me either which has been another low point. I moved 40 minutes away so I understand that it’s up to me really to do most of the travelling but even after I had my baby after a C-section so couldn’t drive, no one came to see us.

My husbands family are great. At first I thought they weren’t as close and were quite cold compared to my family but my Mil and Fil contact me almost every day to check in! They invite me out for lunch, see us weekly, offer to babysit. I’m very lucky to have them.

Why was it your first thought that the DH is an arse for putting that out there?

Sounds like you have nice in-laws and I think you should focus on the positive relationships like that and work to form new ones with good people who reciprocate the efforts. You’ve wasted time on people that don’t care enough about you because they’re blood, I get it, but as you get older you do realise that’s not enough of a reason.

Am so pleased, @SirMoose , that you have lovely in-laws. I hope you can build your life around them & your own family with DH. x

I think it's unfair to blame her DH.

You seem to think women should keep facilitating at the expense of their wellbeing. Your username gives a bit of an inkling to that idea.

It sometimes takes an outsider in this case your husband to say that’s not right or normal as you can’t see it yourself. I’ve a similar thing, I’ve recently been honest with a relative and asked them to stop a pet jumping up at me scratching and ripping tights. Their response, it’s you it’s not doing it to anyone else , when I said that’s plainly bollocks they said well don’t come round then. Err ok. Put effort into those who treat you well ie in laws. I’m so ingrained in it that I keep saying to my husband it was unreasonable of the relative to blame me and tell me not to come round wasn’t it.

Typical man hater. Her husband was right wasn't he? Sorry op that's really awful of them. 6 months and no one has bothered with you? That would absolutely confirm how badly they treat you.

They sound like my ILs, never contact DH and when he calls they always say - I was just about to call. I would call and speak as normal and if they say you haven’t called for 6 months then say something like - wow, is it really that long? I’ve been feeling snowed under, but you could have called me. Say it all pleasantly and see what they say.

I do agree that your DH was unreasonable to say what he did. If he’s concerned for you he could have used a more sensitive way to show that concern.

Posters like that can't help themselves for hating men. Regardless of the person being right, it's a man so he must be wrong.

I had this with my family and friends when I moved away. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't me, it was them that was the problem. And it was my husband mentioning it to me too that made me see it for what it was- and he too is not an arse.
It used to really make me feel down as well but when I stopped putting the effort in, eventually it just didn't bother me as much. I started directing my energy into relationships which were two way. I still speak to my family sometimes but my expectations are so low now they can't disappoint me anymore. Do what you can to protect your own feelings and ignore social norms. My friends and acquaintances sometimes ask me if I miss my family since I live so far away from them, which is awkward as the answer is 'no, I don't, not anymore' but it's the truth and I'm a happy person now not giving them too much thought.

You are trying too hard. I would find all those texts, contacts etc from a family member to be suffocating & overwhelming. What's wrong with keeping it to just 2 or 3 times a year? We can't choose our relatives, so we may not always like them - which is why our friends are so important.

My aunt did the same. It was almost two years before someone contacted her after she stopped making the effort.
Some people are just shit and not worth your time.

I'm so sorry op, its really tough. I was always the one running around after inlaws because dh didn't and I wanted them to have a relationship with our children. Used to take the kids to visit, presents, call and text, the lot. One day I realised they never reciprocated so I stopped it all as an experiment. Still waiting 5 years later. I do hear on the grapevine that pil are bitching about not seeing the dc but no effort is made.

You only want to talk to your children twice a year?

@SirMoose are you me?

In truth, I'm further down the line. Our DCs have left home now and my family never contact me.

After a while you have to let it go, it will drive you mad if you don't.

If/when you do let it go you will grieve them for a while (even though they are still alive) and I won't lie: it really smarts.

But you do get past it and you will feel better for it.

If people come from families who love them and care for them, I have found that they don't usually understand what it's like to come from a messed up family. If you come from a family who don't love you it never stops hurting, unless you stop it.

Take care

I could almost have written your post myself, OP. Especially the part about only bothering with you because of the children. I just want to say I'm really really sorry, and I know how hurtful this can be. All you can do is know it's their problem, not yours, and make the most of your friends who really value you.

Yes definitely - if you come from a dysfunctional family - you know how it is!