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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came down with a vomiting bug today, would it cross your DH's mind to think about emergency childcare arrangements for tomorrow?

84 replies

confusedlots · 20/10/2022 20:53

So our child has come down with a vomiting bug today, vomiting quite a few times this afternoon and this evening. Both me and DH are working tomorrow. Child would normally be at school and then picked up by a relative who keeps them for the afternoon until we are home from work.

I've just realised that DH hasn't even considered the fact that she won't be going to school tomorrow and we are both working. It hasn't even crossed his mind that we might need to sort out some emergency childcare or one of us might need to take the morning/day off work.

Would this happen in your house? I'm really tempted to get ready for work and leave as normal just to prove a point. Just to tell him that it never crossed my mind, but oh well I need to get to work, see you this evening. Because that's effectively what he's doing to me by deciding not to engage his brain.

But of course I won't, I've sorted out some childcare arrangements assuming she is feeling a bit better in the morning. If she's still really sick then I'll stay off with her.

Does this happen in your house? Or would your DH actually notice a potential issue with this situation and engage his brain without being told exactly what to do??

OP posts:
Lindengericht · 20/10/2022 21:41

No. He's bloody useless at forward planning of any sort.

He is better in the immediate emergency than I am though, so it's swings and roundabouts

Minniem2020 · 20/10/2022 21:41

No. It would be down to me to organise. I'm currently on mat leave and work from home before this but even if I didn't he wouldn't think about it.

SuperCamp · 20/10/2022 21:42

Some of the answers here demonstrate why women’s wages are in average lower than mens.

How on earth is it a level playing field for promotion, pay rises, professional development etc if the default is that a mother’s working life is not important whereas fathers never prioritise a childcare emergency.

Alibro79 · 20/10/2022 21:43

Mine is not dh, but dds dad. Even if this happened on his days, he would assume he was dropping her with me and I'd wfh with her. Would not cross his mind to do anything else. Drives me mad.

TheMoops · 20/10/2022 21:44

SuperCamp · 20/10/2022 21:42

Some of the answers here demonstrate why women’s wages are in average lower than mens.

How on earth is it a level playing field for promotion, pay rises, professional development etc if the default is that a mother’s working life is not important whereas fathers never prioritise a childcare emergency.

100% this.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 20/10/2022 21:44

Yes because he is our emergency child care!

Everyone who needs a parental emergency contact has DHs number and not mine.

He does about 90% of the childcare in our house. Which is great because he is a much better parent than I am.

Numbat2022 · 20/10/2022 21:45

As soon as we realise it's going to be a sick day we look at each other in horror and start working out who is best placed to take the day off. Depending on meetings and workload we try to split it evenly - both wfh most of the time. Sometimes we take half a day each.

If it happened tomorrow it would be DP's turn because I did a day a couple of weeks ago, and I know he's not very busy this week.

workworkworkugh · 20/10/2022 21:45

This is the only bone of contention in our marriage.

My DH is so great and equal in every other way but when a kid is sick it's just automatically assumed I'll take the day off.

To be fair, I work in an admin role and he is a truck driver (but local to us) but if I've ever brought it up to him he gets shitty as he has such a busy day and can't not go in. But my work depend on me as well.
I'm so lucky I have such a great and understanding boss so no risk of losing my job, but I still hate the assumption.

GettingOrganisedNow · 20/10/2022 21:45

He'd assume I'd take the day off (to be fair, it's easier for me as I'm self-employed so have more flexibility). However, it really annoys me when he doesn't care about the kids getting sick, just because he won't have to be inconvenienced by it.

Eg he was meant to be taking the kids to his sister's earlier this week, and she happened to mention that her kids had a vomiting bug. I would have immediately cancelled, because if our kids catch it, that's 2 days off work for me. But DH just thinks "ah well, if they get sick they get sick, never mind" because it won't really make a difference to him if they do.

TempName01 · 20/10/2022 21:46

Say something like ‘have you thought about tomorrow?’ Or ‘we haven’t discussed tomorrow yet’ and see what his response is

KendrickLamaze · 20/10/2022 21:48

He probably assumes you'll take care of it which is an entirely different problem. Or is hoping you won't bring it up because he has something going on at work tomorrow.

It's just obviously not acceptable to do what you think he has done, to prove a point that he shouldn't have done it. Or does he have two children to look after?

Talk to him.

WarriorN · 20/10/2022 21:48

My work had to point out partners can and should take time off it's so common. (Female dominated profession.)

Rutland2022 · 20/10/2022 21:49

We always take it in turns, unless
one of us has something on that trumps
for importance (eg one time
DH did it when it was my turn because I was interviewing. Another time I did it when he was on a training course). But since DD started nursery and finished BF it’s always been shared and we’ve done roughly 50% each.

I’m the main earner though and DH gets generous carers leave so that helps. I’m not the “less important” one in career terms as women are often positioned.

lentilly · 20/10/2022 21:49

Yes he would. We regularly let each other know what days we "can't" miss work and make sure it is fair.

Comefromaway · 20/10/2022 21:49

Dh is a teacher whereas I have much more flexibility with my work.

SandraOMG · 20/10/2022 21:49

Yes and nine times out of ten he's the one who stays at home with sick dcs as he can work remotely (I can't really).

I'm actually trying to retrain now and reducing my hours to do that, so I can be more help at home. It doesn't seem fair me fucking off to work all the time and leaving him doing childcare and work.

lentilly · 20/10/2022 21:50

If anything DH does about 2 days to every 1 of mine as he has more understanding employers

GalesThisMorning · 20/10/2022 21:53

Yes. He would be on it as quickly as me, we'd both have to sit down and look at who has meetings etc. He would do the bulk of it as he has toil and I'm super busy at the moment, but we would sort it together. It's no one person's job

exhaustedandoverthis · 20/10/2022 21:55

No, don't think he would think ahead. He never thinks ahead and just plans his obligations with no thought to the kids.
Right now it wouldn't be an issue though as we are both self-employed, flexible and WFH.

TheHateIsNotGood · 20/10/2022 21:59

Er...never had a DH/DP so wouldn't know. Not helpful, I know that too.

  1. It's probably easier with 2 people even if it's a bit unbalanced one way t'other for now; any imbalances can be rectified at a later date.
  2. But far more horrifying than doing it all alone is being stuck with a useless DP and/or subsequently being stuck with someone else's ex-DP for fear of being alone.
  3. Go it all alone.

I'd go for Option 1 if you can, then 3 - Option 2, whilst popular, seems to bring loadsa hassle most times. I'm a 3, not easy but I'm happy with the 'results'.

Anonymouslyposting · 20/10/2022 22:03

This would absolutely happen in my house, in fact it did last week. DD was sent home sick from nursery on Thursday evening with instructions not to bring her back the next day. DH just immediately assumed I would work from home and juggle DD and work - which I did.

In his defence, he did work from home in case something happened that meant her was needed (but was in his study with the door closed all day whereas I looked after DD and got no work done). It also happens that I’m less busy than him at work at the moment and my employer is more sympathetic than his to the demands of parenthood. So it does make some sense for it to fall on me.

However, we have (almost) the same job, same seniority at similar companies being paid very similar amounts so my job is not less important than his and I do resent being the default emergency parent.

SquigglePigs · 20/10/2022 22:05

Yes he would have. He would also have already messaged his boss to let him know of potential disruption to work tomorrow (as would I). We would then compare diaries and deadlines to see what the best plan was. We're lucky we both work from home most of the time so when DD has been off nursery we can tag in and out depending on our schedules. We try to aim for half a day ish each although I lean towards getting him more work time because I'm part time so less to make up later or book as leave.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 20/10/2022 22:07

Dh and I always shared sick days. Now dc is older and has flu - been off sick since last Thursday afternoon but she’s 14 and dh works from home so it’s all on him these days apart from random WhatsApps.

Greengagesnfennel · 20/10/2022 22:08

Yes, we would immediately have the,- what meetings, immovable things have you got tomorrow - conversation. It used to be that my job was more flexible but that's swapped and now it's his.

Ihaveoflate · 20/10/2022 22:23

We already have the agreement that he's 'on call' for sickness and emergencies in the mornings, and I cover the afternoons. It makes things nice and clear, so when the time comes there is no need for discussion.

DH runs his own business and rarely schedules important client work in the morning because of this arrangement. If he does, it's on the proviso that he will have to cut an engagement short if our child is taken ill.

I teach in higher education, so I will reschedule sessions or (more recently) move teaching online if possible. I appreciate not everybody has this flexibility.