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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came down with a vomiting bug today, would it cross your DH's mind to think about emergency childcare arrangements for tomorrow?

84 replies

confusedlots · 20/10/2022 20:53

So our child has come down with a vomiting bug today, vomiting quite a few times this afternoon and this evening. Both me and DH are working tomorrow. Child would normally be at school and then picked up by a relative who keeps them for the afternoon until we are home from work.

I've just realised that DH hasn't even considered the fact that she won't be going to school tomorrow and we are both working. It hasn't even crossed his mind that we might need to sort out some emergency childcare or one of us might need to take the morning/day off work.

Would this happen in your house? I'm really tempted to get ready for work and leave as normal just to prove a point. Just to tell him that it never crossed my mind, but oh well I need to get to work, see you this evening. Because that's effectively what he's doing to me by deciding not to engage his brain.

But of course I won't, I've sorted out some childcare arrangements assuming she is feeling a bit better in the morning. If she's still really sick then I'll stay off with her.

Does this happen in your house? Or would your DH actually notice a potential issue with this situation and engage his brain without being told exactly what to do??

OP posts:
Icannoteven · 20/10/2022 21:13

It's infuriating. My partner used to be like this too. These days not so much because I've become much more insistent he does his damn share over the years. It's just the absolute entitlement! Default parenthood 😡

Whoareyoumyfriend · 20/10/2022 21:14

We would usually plan together. Dh does the vast majority of emergency childcare for us, tbf

FLOWER1982 · 20/10/2022 21:15

Yes. My son came home from school today not feeling well and has been sick. My dh has said he’s sick tomorrow he will stay at home with him (he works from home).

Fairislefandango · 20/10/2022 21:15

Yes, it certainly would cross his mind. During most our dc's younger years, dh was the main earner and I was pt, so it would have mostly been me that took time off in that scenario. He wouldn't have been oblivious though! We are now both ft with teenagers, but he's now the main contact if they were taken ill, and his job is a bit more flexible than mine, so he'd wfh if necessary to be with the ill dc if they needed it.

R0BYN · 20/10/2022 21:17

My ex would never have even thought about it . And every time I ever asked him to cover a sick day, he had something urgent on at work.

One of many many reasons he is now an ex.

converseandjeans · 20/10/2022 21:18

No but ours are rarely ill & it has been his parents who live locally who have picked up the slack. I've never taken a day off for child related illnesses & nor has DH. It has always been me sorting logistics out.

Reallyreallyborednow · 20/10/2022 21:19

I work 50% flexitime 50% shifts.

so dh would ask me if I’m on shift. If I’m flexi, I’ll take the day. If I have a shift, he will.

but yes, it would cross his mind and he would ask. Or I’ll say can you take the day I have a shift.

ElizabethBest · 20/10/2022 21:19

I’d probably have to be the one who brings it up but DH would probably would be the one to stay home and do the childcare.

DoodlePug · 20/10/2022 21:21

Yes, DH would initiate a conversation if I didn't. The child based mental load is not shared equally, but the physical child stuff is as are emergency situations.

In nearly all other areas of life I'm not sure it'd occur to him eg if he noticed the dishwasher was broken he'd tell me then that'd be his bit done 😬

However we've both realised this is a problem and are working on it!

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 20/10/2022 21:22

I'm on mat leave so if it was literally today, no he wouldn't think about childcare. But generally speaking, yes absolutely he would, it would not be left to me to bring it up.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/10/2022 21:24

Nope he wouldn’t. And if I’d said something needs sorting he’d just sit there quietly and not respond pretending he hasn’t heard.

DoodlePug · 20/10/2022 21:24

It is a bit dependant on your jobs too.

My colleagues wife is a hospital consultant, there is never a conversation apparently, she goes to work and he stays off or tries to arrange childcare.

mackthepony · 20/10/2022 21:25

Nope.

He'd just let me do it, as usual

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 20/10/2022 21:26

Yes my oh would consider that childcare was needed. Generally I'm the one who takes time for medical appointments so he probably take more time when ill.

Towcat15 · 20/10/2022 21:27

It’s odd that it didn’t come up naturally in conversation the first time she was sick - that’s the first thing we leap to ‘oh good what’s going to happen tomorrow’ etc. I can’t imagine no one bringing this up.

MsAwesomeDragon · 20/10/2022 21:27

DH would have just assumed he was staying at home with her. Because he can work from home relatively easily, whereas I can't. During school holidays I would be at home anyway as I'm a teacher, so the deal was always that he sorted emergency childcare in term time and I did it for holidays.

PanettoneMoly · 20/10/2022 21:29

Nope, didn’t cross DH’s mind any of the 10 days DD was off nursery with the pox.

Ihaveaskedyouthrice · 20/10/2022 21:29

I'm a SAHM and while obviously I would be the one staying at home my husband would still check that I had nothing on that couldn't be moved and would see if I needed him home earlier than usual. Totally unacceptable in your situation for your DH to assume anything.

Grumpybutfunny · 20/10/2022 21:32

DoodlePug · 20/10/2022 21:24

It is a bit dependant on your jobs too.

My colleagues wife is a hospital consultant, there is never a conversation apparently, she goes to work and he stays off or tries to arrange childcare.

That's mad as she will get ten days a year for emergency dependants leave. We are both NHS it depends on the shifts we are on basically it's assumed if we are both at work whoever is days (multiple staff on days vs single handed shifts) takes the day off. We don't send DS to grandparents, if too sick for school. Tho we are very much 99% of the time it's fine to go in with a snotty nose etc

Ikr · 20/10/2022 21:34

Talk to him and express that you'd like him to stay home. The last thing you need is him blithely walking out the door and leaving her because he didn't know you weren't staying with her

DisneyMillie · 20/10/2022 21:34

My dh would only think about it because I’d be bartering on who had the better work day to miss at no notice.

But in general, no - it’s half term for us this week and next and neither my dh or my eldest’s dad has asked or thought about the childcare arrangements - I’ve sorted them as usual. (I know that’s prob my fault but I’ve tried having the “it’s not just my job” discussion and it’s got me no-where)

HoppityVoosh22 · 20/10/2022 21:35

DH would realise that we needed childcare for the next day, but he would probably expect me to do it as my job is more flexible and he thinks it's easier for me to get time off.

Mum2jenny · 20/10/2022 21:38

No, wouldn’t cross his mind

autumnboys · 20/10/2022 21:39

Since I went back to work, he’s been pretty good about sharing care for sick children. We are lucky that the boys have all been quite healthy. I was a SAHM for about 8 years and got most of the chickenpox etc out the way.

it was the summer holidays that used to do me in. He’d say he could do a day and then something would come up and it would be down to me to arrange cover, as though I had a line of people begging to help. In the end, I used teenagers from church and paid them out of the joint account.

TheSmallestOneWasMadeline · 20/10/2022 21:39

Mine would probably realise we needed to sort it before I did 🙄