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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the worst advice ever...

84 replies

queen957 · 19/10/2022 20:33

"Sleep when the baby sleeps"

When the baby is asleep, it's the only time I get to actually get stuff done e.g. cooking, cleaning, having a shower! Or sometimes, I just want to sit and catch up on my favourite shows or have a scroll on my phone.

Anyone else agree?

OP posts:
Mariposista · 19/10/2022 22:18

Silly advice in my case. I don't go to bed in the middle of the day unless very unwell. I like to shower when I get up, put clean clothes on and be ready for my day. I would feel grubby and horrible getting back into bed. A rest on the sofa is fine, but I certainly didn't spend all the time the baby was asleep lying down. I was capable of sorting things, out, cooking (I am the cook in our house and DH does bedtime), yoga, whatever.

Vecna · 19/10/2022 22:22

I cannot comprehend why some people get annoyed by this advice. It's usually just a matter of priorities. You can choose to do housework if you wish, but if you're exhausted... sleep when the baby sleeps.

I did half and half depending on the extent of my exhaustion. Now I can't sleep when the baby sleeps because I have a toddler as well.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 19/10/2022 22:35

Yanbu

Borgonzola · 19/10/2022 22:38

Yup, worst advice ever. I have barely managed a nap in the daytime since my 12-week old was born. She now barely sleeps in the daytime at all Sad

GreyGoose1980 · 19/10/2022 22:39

Agree - but I mainly didn’t do this myself because I can’t sleep on demand even when exhausted.

ridemesideway · 19/10/2022 22:41

I’m sure it’s lovely if your baby sleeps for longer than 30 minutes at a time. Mine didn’t for almost a year.

Medoca · 19/10/2022 22:45

Yes!!!! Agree so much. Sometimes I don’t want to sleep at 3 in the afternoon. Yes I had little sleep, but I also got to enjoy time spent with my husband, even if it was just cuddling on the sofa, having a nice meal together. I quite enjoyed doing the housework in those times, gave me a bit of a break (never really been a fan of housework). It’s amazing how you can function on little sleep. I chose to have a baby with a partner who I knew would do his fair share. We did shared parental with some overlaps so both got to experience the joys and lows of having a baby. We’re still barely functioning now, but we all love each other and there’s no resentment!

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 19/10/2022 22:48

I think it depends how you sleep. If you are the type of person that can have a power nap whenever anyway it probably works but if it takes you a while to wind down before sleeping, the baby doesn't sleep for long and you are worried about other things needing to be done that are high priority, it won't work.

SpidersAreShitheads · 19/10/2022 22:52

ridemesideway · 19/10/2022 22:41

I’m sure it’s lovely if your baby sleeps for longer than 30 minutes at a time. Mine didn’t for almost a year.

I was a single mum - ex-DP refused any involvement - and I gave birth prematurely to twins (breast-fed).

DS had horrendous reflux - it was so bad it affected his heart rate and led to bradycardia (diagnosed by hospital while in SCBU). DD was a snacker and would need a lot of encouragement to feed.

They were born 8 weeks premature, in hospital for 6 weeks, and when I brought them home, DD was still less than 4lb in weight. Due to being so tiny, they needed to be fed every two hours. I couldn't tandem feed because of their separate issues with feeding. By the time I'd fed them both and put them down, I had approximately 20-25 minutes before the first one needed to be fed again.

No one to help me. I can't even tell you how exhausted I was. If I hadn't slept when they slept, we'd have all been back in hospital. Sometimes sleeping when the baby/babies sleep is excellent advice.

I remember waking up one day and being so tired I couldn't remember how many babies I was supposed to have. I thought it was probably 2 or 3, but couldn't remember which. I went hunting round the house and checked to see how many Moses baskets etc I had. On the basis I had two of everything, I concluded that there WAS only supposed to be two babies but I really wasn't certain...... Honestly I don't think I even realised it was possible to be as tired as I was.

Blizzardbeach · 19/10/2022 22:54

If only my baby slept at any time except when we are in the car and I'm driving, or doing food shopping.

Tadpoll · 19/10/2022 22:54

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/10/2022 21:02

I never did it, I couldn't nap when they did. But I did use that time to 'rest', whether that was watching tv or reading for a bit.

But also - you can put the baby down and shower while they're awake. You can put them down and make a cup of tea! Don't martyr yourself to the altar of motherhood by never prioritising yourself. You deserve to eat, be clean, and enjoy things other than cooing over your baby!

This.

Wtf has happened to the world when mums only have chance to go to the toilet, cook a meal or have a shower when the baby is asleep?

You could, er, put it in its Moses basket or cot and just have a shower?

MotherOfPuffling · 19/10/2022 23:00

I did do this, but DD’s health issues meant she was nearly 18m before she slept more than 40mins at a time before waking and screaming. Ex left when she was 2 days old, mum was still working FT, and I had no other family nearby (ex’s family lived a long way away too.) frankly it wasn’t so much ‘sleep when she sleeps’ as ‘pass out the moment the baby naps’!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/10/2022 23:05

Well, it’s not a terrible piece of advice necessarily. If you can fall asleep during the day, and the baby sleeps for a decent chunk of time, it’s not a bad idea.

However, it certainly shouldn’t be used to mean that you’ll be fine on continuous broken nights with whatever naps you can fit in while baby sleeps. It shouldn’t mean your partner is absolved from ever making an effort to make sure you get more sleep at night time, or that it wouldn’t be a nice idea if family members came over and gave you the chance for a some guaranteed sleep.

People need rest as well as sleep - time spend chilling out or whatever makes you happy. Not just serving a baby’s needs and then falling unconscious.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 19/10/2022 23:06

Leave the cleaning and get some sleep woman!

Hugasauras · 19/10/2022 23:09

It depends I think. Useless when DD1 is around but on nursery days I quite often go back to bed with DD2 and we nap together for a couple of hours and in the early couple of weeks I often slept when she did during the day. Housework gets done when DH finishes work! But I can sleep during the day easily and love a nap Grin

I think there is something to be said for letting go of the whole day/night thing in the first couple of weeks. There's a kind of timelessness to newborn existence.

Beseen22 · 19/10/2022 23:16

Never worked with DS1 because he didn't believe in napping but DS2 is nearly 3 and we still unashamedly nap for at least 2 hours together every day. I do work nightshift so I'm always catching up on sleep and he likes to do the house jobs with me so I don't do them when he's asleep but we do have to set an alarm to wake us up to get my eldest from school every day.

Sparklybees · 19/10/2022 23:17

I still sleep when mine sleeps most days and he's a toddler now! I find everything so much better after a nap. I'm not wasting my precious alone time on housework or chores, I do enough of those as it is.

When he was a baby I slept well as he was sleeping through from about 7 weeks and my husband and I took nights in turns before that. I just carried on as normal and baby came along with me for the ride in his moses basket - I would take the basket bit around the house with me.

WhiteFire · 19/10/2022 23:23

Never worked for me, if I have a sleep in the day I can't get to sleep at night.

PeaceLily2000 · 19/10/2022 23:34

In the very early days when I was pumping there was no time. I had to pump, wash pump, eat something myself etc. in the short window before they woke up.

Now my baby will only nap in the bed with me so I have an enforced nap twice a day. At first I got frustrated at all the jobs I couldn't get done but now I just think how much I'll miss it when I go back to work so I just enjoy the extra sleep and snuggling - I'm very well rested for a new mum ☺️

Simonjt · 19/10/2022 23:34

Depends on the baby and the individual parents ability to nap, when I was on adoption leave I didn’t sleep when she did as I’m a terrible sleeper, my husband however does as he finds napping easy. He isn’t cleaning etc while she’s asleep as he is on leave to raise our daughter, not to dust the skirtings.

SillySausage81 · 19/10/2022 23:42

I sometimes napped when baby did, if I was really knackered. So I'd maybe have one daytime nap 2 or 3 times a week. But my mum used to act like it was a blanket rule: every time baby naps, you nap. I kept trying to impatiently explain that for one thing I don't need 20 hours' sleep a day or whatever it is newborns sleep for, plus I have other things to do too. And she even keeps saying it now that my DD is 2 and a half... "why don't you sleep while she's having her nap?" Because I'm not bloody tired anymore!! She sleeps through the night every night, I get plenty of sleep now! So yeah, just really irritating really.

Apollonia1 · 19/10/2022 23:49

"Sleep when baby sleeps" drives me mad!
What if you're the type of person who can't nap? Some say "oh, if you're tired enough, you'll nap. Nope, I was a single mum of twins and absolutely exhausted from 2-3 night wakes each, and still couldn't nap.

"Rest when baby rests" is more achievable (but you still need to eat/shower etc).

rumbypumby · 19/10/2022 23:58

Sleep when the baby sleeps.
Cook when the baby cooks.
Clean when the baby shits.
Do laundry when the baby does laundry.

Obviously?

SmallPrawnEnergy · 20/10/2022 00:06

It’s just a way of saying prioritise your rest and not the house.

Though, what are you doing with baby’s awake time if you can’t eat / sleep / tidy while the baby is awake? Velcro refluxy baby here and the first 2/3 weeks DP did most stuff as he was on paternity leave. Then after that a sling was a lifesaver. Need a wee, pop them in the sling and we will go together. Need a sandwich, pop them in a sling and let’s go into the kitchen. Need to tidy, sling it is.

Rutland2022 · 20/10/2022 00:11

I didn’t do cooking, cleaning etc - that’s what husbands are for! I loved sleeping when baby slept. I watched TV while up all night doing night feeds.
Worst bit about returning to work was giving up naps 😭
I bloody love it when 3 year old DD wants a weekend nap, I’m straight in bed with her, bliss!