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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs father & step mum bullying her?

83 replies

starynight63 · 19/10/2022 20:00

Hi, I've posted this in the parenting section too but hoping to get more responses & advice hope that's ok?

DD is 12, myself and her dad have been separated for a long time but always had a good co-parenting relationship. His partner has been in DDs life for around 3 years.

My DD spends EOW with them and speaks to dad regularly during the week over text or call.
Last night before bed I checked DDs phone as I do regularly to make sure everything is safe and ok. I was completely floored when I came across messages to a friend of hers talking about how body conscious she is & feeling like she has to loose weight & has stopped eating breakfast (she does more often than not say she's not hungry in the mornings & I encourage her to have something - but I also at her age didn't have an appetite early mornings so thought this normal) she also said she's not eating all her lunch (this comes home finished so she maybe throwing things away?)
But the most shocking thing was that she said it's because of her dad & step mum. I'll copy one of the messages below

"Whenever I am hungry and ask for food they call me a fat pig and my dad would say no wonder you don't fit in your school trousers bc I'm in adult sizes not kids. I've recorded them saying stuff too it all just takes its toll.
They're always commenting on unnecessary stuff and it's all the time.
Bare in mind my step mum is 26 and she should know better she's only been in my life a few years"

There's others, but that's the main jist of it.

I was floored, hurt, upset & worried for my DD. But I really don't know the best way to move forward. I don't want to tell DD I've read these as I don't want her to delete messages in the future, and I don't want to confront her dad until I've got some info out of her and hopefully seen this recording.

My DD is very honest and grown up, no chance she's made this up.

What should I say to try and get her to open up to me, I've commented a few times recently on her not eating breakfast & seeming a bit down but she says she's just tired with starting secondary school.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
butterflyflutterby123 · 19/10/2022 20:09

Didn't want to read and run ... I'm so sorry for you and your daughter this is so disgusting op ❣️

RedHelenB · 19/10/2022 20:14

Would your ex say those things? I'd be surprised,it sounds like what a teenager would say.

Beezknees · 19/10/2022 20:14

At 12 she's old enough to decide if she still wants to have contact. I went NC with my dad at that age. I'd give her the option.

Hankunamatata · 19/10/2022 20:16

Are the recordings on her phone?

JemimaPuddledock · 19/10/2022 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SquashedSquashess · 19/10/2022 20:19

It sounds like there is not an enormous age difference between your daughter and her stepmum.

I grew up with a stepmother who was 10 years older than me. She had cosmetic work done, wore designer clothing, and was generally very glam.

She would also gloat that my boyfriends would find her “hot” and that must be why I didn’t introduce them to her (it was, to be honest, but how fucked up for an adult to think that competitively about men - or in fact boys - with a teenage child!).

This created a very competitive environment, where I felt I never physically measured up to my stepmum, and resulted in me developing an eating disorder at 14, which I battled with into my late 20s.

I don’t say this to alarm you, but because it’s a piece of my psychology I doubt anyone else was ever aware of, and so couldn’t step in to help. You have an opportunity to nip this in the bud. I really do urge you to discuss this with DD’s dad and stepmum, explain DD is growing and that jibes can have terrible effects on young girls. Although it’s difficult, I’d also keep it calm and constructive in tone. If they feel attacked (even if, really, they should do) they may express their annoyance in front of DD and make her feel any fall out is her fault. Also, you have a difficult line to tread having looked at her phone (not that I necessarily think that’s wrong), unless DD knows you do this in which case that element is not an issue.

Good luck OP!

Hankunamatata · 19/10/2022 20:22

I think you need to keep a level head. There could be more nuanced than it appears or could be total truth.
Her dad and his partner could be encouraging her to eat healthier or cutting back on unhealthy snacks and she has interpreted this harshly or she is exaggerating to a friend.
They could be saying horrible things to her about her weight.

Sunflowerkeep · 19/10/2022 20:44

Stop contact with step mum,she first need a bully step mum in her life. Father has to do something.

Sunflowerkeep · 19/10/2022 20:45

I meant she doesn't need a bully step mum.

Sunflowerkeep · 19/10/2022 20:46

If any of my kids had a step mum like that , They wouldn't be seeing her.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/10/2022 20:48

Ask your DD about it. Depending on what she says ask your x about it. Then think about how to proceed when you have more information.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 19/10/2022 20:53

Does your DD know that you check her phone? If so I'd talk to her first. Say - I saw some messages and I'm worried. Let's talk about this. Then I would be having a massive go at her dad!

StarDolphins · 19/10/2022 20:58

I just couldn’t mention you’ve seen the messages nor would I bulldoze in with Dad yet. Could she be interpreting some innocent comment but changing it in her mind because she feels body conscious?

could you try asking some questions slowly over the next week - what’s your SM like, fo you like her? Do you like going to your Dad’s etc.

I would also try & listen to the recordings she mentions.

if they have said those things, I wouldn’t let my DD see them again or definitely not the SM.

Jedsnewstar · 19/10/2022 21:00

Personally I would ask her about it. I would find the recordings.

ParentallyUnprepared · 19/10/2022 21:02

What the fuck.

Actupfishy · 19/10/2022 21:05

That sounds horrific but may not be true or may well be embellished.
Have a chat with her about how she feels about her body

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2022 21:08

Can you imagine your ex calling her a fat pig? It sounds very unusual tbh.

wherearetheturrets · 19/10/2022 21:14

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2022 21:08

Can you imagine your ex calling her a fat pig? It sounds very unusual tbh.

My dad used to say this kind of thing to me all the time. We also occasionally drove past a road called pig lane and he'd laugh and say 'that's wherearetheturrets's road'! I'd like to think it's unusual (please god) but it absolutely happens. However, as you say, op might find it hard to believe about her ex if that's not the type of person he is.

So sorry to read this op. If this is truly what's happening it's so awful (speaking from experience) and absolutely needs dealing with right now before any more damage is done. I wish you and your dd the best and really hope she's okay x

Pinkyxx · 19/10/2022 21:21

You will need to establish the facts before deciding what to do.

Does your ex have form for making the kind of statements she is claiming they said? i.e. fat pig..etc

SallyWD · 19/10/2022 21:22

You know your ex. Do you believe he'd say this? At 12 I was rather dramatic - yes nature for my age but I certainly exaggerated and embellished things (and sometimes just made stuff up). Do you really believe he'd call his daughter a fat pig? If it was me I think I'd admit to checking her phone and just have a conversation about it. My daughter's 12 and I check her phone. You're supposed to at that age.

Original poster
starynight63 · 19/10/2022 21:29

Thank you for replies & helpful advice from some so far.

I've just been to have a chat with DD, I started very vaguely just asking about school, friends and feelings etc and then said about noticing her being a bit down and quiet sometimes when she comes home from her dads and if there's anything there that has upset her at all. She got very tearful and said she didn't want to tell me incase I say something to her dad who will then make her feel awkward when she goes there.
She told me everything, exactly what she'd said in the messages to her friend and more.. he's said things like "you're going to end up having to shop in jacka something which is a shop for fat people" I said jacamo and she said yes. She said it's more her dad than SM but that SM does also make comments like "why are you eating so much" when she's only asked for a snack when hungry. It's absolutely nothing to do with health, they are not at all health conscious.
I am surprised yes, he's not a horrible person but he's also said things in the past that I've had to pull him up on.. but more things like "why are you so lazy you never want to go for a walk" etc etc. but not direct insults about her weight.

She's not at all overweight, she's very developed for her age and at 5'5 size 8 and she doesn't have a typical 12 year olds body but she's a healthy weight for her height and actually has always been quite body confident before this. She got very upset and said she doesn't want to stop seeing him but doesn't think he'll stop either because he always says it's a joke.

They don't treat her like a child, more like a friend which has been a bit of an issue anyway. They talk on Snapchat to her, don't really have any boundaries with her or discipline.. they are typical 'fun EOW parents' who play no part in actually parenting.

I've told her I'm not going to speak to him yet without her consent, and we've stopped talking about it for this evening as it's a lot in one go but I've encouraged her to speak to him or we can talk to him together.. I will let her calm down and we will speak again over the weekend about where to go next. I've told her she doesn't have to still see him it's her choice now, and if she wants to stop over nights and just go for the days she can (he lives locally) I'm so upset for her, and so angry at him & his partner. How they can treat her like this is heartbreaking.

For those saying this isn't a 12Yo saying those things I'm not sure why you say that, not really something you'd make up. I'd post a picture of her phone messages if it would make a difference but you'd probably still think she's not 12 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Callmesadie · 19/10/2022 21:33

Some parents are fucking bullies.

Two examples:

One of my xfriends used to call her son a fat pig if he finished his plate of dinner.

I told her he’d end up with problems and that it was bullying behaviour.

She said ‘well you’re not a parent so what to you know’! End of friendship…
Since heard from mutual friends, he’s a 14 year old troublemaker and his parents can’t control him.

My male boss’ daughter ended up going to a MH hospital for bulimia anorexia nervosa, it turned out her Mum (boss’ exW) had driven her to first making herself sick then avoiding food altogether by saying boys don’t like tubby girls, throwing away any chocolate or sweets she had as gifts at Christmas, Easter etc and she told her you’re already ginger and short, you don’t want to be fat as well or kids will pick on you.

Your priority is DD, keep her away from these bullies.

Gently say to her, you seem down when you’ve been to your dad’s, are you not happy going there?

This seems relevant: www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/emotional-abuse/

RedHelenB · 19/10/2022 21:34

Well if its all true I don't see you have any choice but to talk to her Dad about it. This could lead to eating disorders, at a minimum its lowering her self esteem. It can't he brushed under the carpet

wherearetheturrets · 19/10/2022 21:54

@starynight63 my dad also used to say he was just joking 🙁 it puts your dd in such a confusing place but it's not a joke, it's not.

It wasn't until I was an adult and my dad 'jokingly' called my (slim, not that it really matters!) 7 year old dd fat that I finally lost it with him and have been no contact since.

Your dd is not going to want to cut contact, it's her dad. But please do not leave this alone, for her sake. Years of this abuse I experienced and I know what (possible) future lies ahead for her and it's awful. I've struggled with my weight and self esteem since approx age 10/11 (I was a slim child when his insults began) and a diagnosed eating disorder. I have found reading your post actually quite upsetting because thinking about another innocent girl somewhere having to go through what I went through breaks my heart. I'm saying this because my mum didn't know, and I wish she had known and had been able to protect me from it. Wishing you luck dealing with this.

MintChocCornetto · 19/10/2022 22:06

starynight63 · 19/10/2022 21:29

Thank you for replies & helpful advice from some so far.

I've just been to have a chat with DD, I started very vaguely just asking about school, friends and feelings etc and then said about noticing her being a bit down and quiet sometimes when she comes home from her dads and if there's anything there that has upset her at all. She got very tearful and said she didn't want to tell me incase I say something to her dad who will then make her feel awkward when she goes there.
She told me everything, exactly what she'd said in the messages to her friend and more.. he's said things like "you're going to end up having to shop in jacka something which is a shop for fat people" I said jacamo and she said yes. She said it's more her dad than SM but that SM does also make comments like "why are you eating so much" when she's only asked for a snack when hungry. It's absolutely nothing to do with health, they are not at all health conscious.
I am surprised yes, he's not a horrible person but he's also said things in the past that I've had to pull him up on.. but more things like "why are you so lazy you never want to go for a walk" etc etc. but not direct insults about her weight.

She's not at all overweight, she's very developed for her age and at 5'5 size 8 and she doesn't have a typical 12 year olds body but she's a healthy weight for her height and actually has always been quite body confident before this. She got very upset and said she doesn't want to stop seeing him but doesn't think he'll stop either because he always says it's a joke.

They don't treat her like a child, more like a friend which has been a bit of an issue anyway. They talk on Snapchat to her, don't really have any boundaries with her or discipline.. they are typical 'fun EOW parents' who play no part in actually parenting.

I've told her I'm not going to speak to him yet without her consent, and we've stopped talking about it for this evening as it's a lot in one go but I've encouraged her to speak to him or we can talk to him together.. I will let her calm down and we will speak again over the weekend about where to go next. I've told her she doesn't have to still see him it's her choice now, and if she wants to stop over nights and just go for the days she can (he lives locally) I'm so upset for her, and so angry at him & his partner. How they can treat her like this is heartbreaking.

For those saying this isn't a 12Yo saying those things I'm not sure why you say that, not really something you'd make up. I'd post a picture of her phone messages if it would make a difference but you'd probably still think she's not 12 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm glad you managed to have a talk with her & she's opened up to you. Well done OP.

I think you've done really well but I just wanted to caution you letting her make the decision about seeing her dad & not speaking to her dad without her consent. She's only 12, she might feel 'obliged' to carry on seeing him when she doesn't really want to, she might be concerned about the what ifs when you speak to him and that might be influencing her. As the parent you sometimes have to take unpopular decisions and I think it's worth weighing up whether you need to be the adult and take the decision about what happens next out of her hands. She might be relieved to hand it over to you. Just a thought OP.