DDs father & step mum bullying her?

[starynight63]

Hi, I've posted this in the parenting section too but hoping to get more responses & advice hope that's ok?

DD is 12, myself and her dad have been separated for a long time but always had a good co-parenting relationship. His partner has been in DDs life for around 3 years.

My DD spends EOW with them and speaks to dad regularly during the week over text or call.
Last night before bed I checked DDs phone as I do regularly to make sure everything is safe and ok. I was completely floored when I came across messages to a friend of hers talking about how body conscious she is & feeling like she has to loose weight & has stopped eating breakfast (she does more often than not say she's not hungry in the mornings & I encourage her to have something - but I also at her age didn't have an appetite early mornings so thought this normal) she also said she's not eating all her lunch (this comes home finished so she maybe throwing things away?)
But the most shocking thing was that she said it's because of her dad & step mum. I'll copy one of the messages below

"Whenever I am hungry and ask for food they call me a fat pig and my dad would say no wonder you don't fit in your school trousers bc I'm in adult sizes not kids. I've recorded them saying stuff too it all just takes its toll.
They're always commenting on unnecessary stuff and it's all the time.
Bare in mind my step mum is 26 and she should know better she's only been in my life a few years"

There's others, but that's the main jist of it.

I was floored, hurt, upset & worried for my DD. But I really don't know the best way to move forward. I don't want to tell DD I've read these as I don't want her to delete messages in the future, and I don't want to confront her dad until I've got some info out of her and hopefully seen this recording.

My DD is very honest and grown up, no chance she's made this up.

What should I say to try and get her to open up to me, I've commented a few times recently on her not eating breakfast & seeming a bit down but she says she's just tired with starting secondary school.

Thanks for reading.

thank you for your concern, my weight is healthy but your 'jokes' and comments are not'

Love this.

Firstly, let's not turn this into a step mum bashing post. If things have been said then OP stated dad and Step mum so both would be at fault.

Hopefully it's a case of teenage angst and insensitive comments. I would speak to dad as OP says she has a good relationship. I'd ask him to be more sensitive and explain that DD is feeling conscious of her body and size. I'd also be complimenting DD lots and boosting her confidence as well as checking she was eating normally at home, especially over half term.

I wouldn't mention checking her phone or she'll never trust you again.

Has a 12 yr old DD, in a relationship with a 26 yr old.

Fk, is the brain not still developing til 25 (?)

Says everything you need to know about him really.

hes the bloody pig-she doesnt have to see him a judge wouldnt force her at her age especially with proof

poor kid

Lots of really good advice on the thread for you. I just wanted to affirm that if your ex has said this to your daughter, and I do believe her, that it is abuse & bullying and could lead to an eating disorder or other forms of self harming. Love your girl even more than you already do.

My dad was like this to me when I was growing up. It was extremely emotionally damaging it left me stunted to be honest and should be taken seriously.

Your dd thinks that shes protecting you, she doesn't want to cause problems, she sounds like a very mature and lovely little girl
You need to sit her down and say, " I'm going to speak to your dad and step mother about this because its wrong, and I need to protect you"

At 12 years old, alot of kids want to handle things themselves but this is an adult situation mum and you need to handle the pair of them yourself
You can assure dd everything will be fine and she needn't worry,
Show your daughter that you won't let anybody, not even her dad, disrespect or make her feel bad

When you to talk to your ex, just stick ti the points and be direct,

.Dd has been coming back from your house upset, shes refusing meals

.She told me that you and your wife have been making comments about her weight and teasing her, this stops NOW I'm not going to allow anybody to treat my daughter in this way,

.dd is still willing to spend time with you
There will be NO repercussions for dd confiding in me, she did the right thing to speak up about being bullied

.this is going to cause dd to have low self esteem
Pass this message on to your wife, I don't want to hear another word out of her about my child and she will be nothing but nice to dd from now on, ciao

If this bullying continues OP, your dd will look back and be sad that you didn't defend her,
Remember that shes only being silent because she doesn't want to be a burden, which is a side effect of your ex teasing her.
A child should never feel like they can't eat food in their own dads house, how effing dare that woman for saying that stuff
I'd be going around there face to face if this continues.

One thing is that adults do bully kids, teachers, parents, family, and the one thing that makes kids a target, if having no one to stand up for them
Children who have been in care , have uninvolved neglectful parents, or just parents who are passive, they will become targets for the predators and bullies

@pinheadlarry great post, hope op hears you...