DDs father & step mum bullying her?

[starynight63]

Hi, I've posted this in the parenting section too but hoping to get more responses & advice hope that's ok?

DD is 12, myself and her dad have been separated for a long time but always had a good co-parenting relationship. His partner has been in DDs life for around 3 years.

My DD spends EOW with them and speaks to dad regularly during the week over text or call.
Last night before bed I checked DDs phone as I do regularly to make sure everything is safe and ok. I was completely floored when I came across messages to a friend of hers talking about how body conscious she is & feeling like she has to loose weight & has stopped eating breakfast (she does more often than not say she's not hungry in the mornings & I encourage her to have something - but I also at her age didn't have an appetite early mornings so thought this normal) she also said she's not eating all her lunch (this comes home finished so she maybe throwing things away?)
But the most shocking thing was that she said it's because of her dad & step mum. I'll copy one of the messages below

"Whenever I am hungry and ask for food they call me a fat pig and my dad would say no wonder you don't fit in your school trousers bc I'm in adult sizes not kids. I've recorded them saying stuff too it all just takes its toll.
They're always commenting on unnecessary stuff and it's all the time.
Bare in mind my step mum is 26 and she should know better she's only been in my life a few years"

There's others, but that's the main jist of it.

I was floored, hurt, upset & worried for my DD. But I really don't know the best way to move forward. I don't want to tell DD I've read these as I don't want her to delete messages in the future, and I don't want to confront her dad until I've got some info out of her and hopefully seen this recording.

My DD is very honest and grown up, no chance she's made this up.

What should I say to try and get her to open up to me, I've commented a few times recently on her not eating breakfast & seeming a bit down but she says she's just tired with starting secondary school.

Thanks for reading.

I understand why you don't want to break your promise about talking to her dad about what he's saying. Could it work by going at it in a different way, if he's a decent dad could you share your "worries" that she isn't eating much and seems concerned about her appearance, you're worried about it turning into anorexia and can he maybe encourage her with eating/body confidence. Obviously I don't know him but you might have an idea if it would make him think and hopefully change hisbehaviour.

I hope you get it sorted, it is a horrible position to be in wanting to support her but not wanting to break her trust.

Are they trying to drive her away?

At 12 years old your daughter does not have to see her dad if she doesn't want to. So she needs to know she has options. I know you have told your daughter that you won't speak to her dad but I would definitely be speaking to him. What he is doing can have serious consequences for your daughter and is obviously already making her very unhappy.

Perhaps you can suggest to both daughter and dad that they have a break from each other 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like you have had a very good conversation with your DD. Well done, it is such a difficult topic. I hope you manage to make your ex see the harm he is doing but perhaps a break from them would be a good idea for your daughter. Tricky though as sometimes people double down when challenged on abusive behaviour like that.

OP, it sounds like you had a very good chat with your daughter - I liked how you approached it. You provided her space to talk without confronting her and you are supporting her to manage her feelings.

OP first of all you sound like a fab mum. That’s great that your DD opened up to you like that.

What I would do is - with her consent - say you want to have a chat with her dad, and say to him how you’re worried DD is developing an eating disorder. She’s been skipping meals and calling herself a fat pig. Quote the actual words at him. Then unless he’s thick as a brick he should start to pick up on the impact his words are having.

How awful for you.

@JemimaPuddledock what is actually wrong with you?? maybe leave this post then if you think the Op is lying & move along with your day 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Your poor daughter. I can remember being ravenously hungry at that age ( but we were poorly fed) and getting some comments from my parents.
This struck me too “him but doesn't think he'll stop either because he always says it's a joke” My mother used to do the same —- it was nastiness, bullying, shaming but always disguised as “a joke”.
As pp have said , give your daughter the tools to stand up to them and she can cut contact down to just visiting for a day. Maybe your DD would later agree to dad, you and she ( no step mum) meeting up in a cafe where you both tell him exactly what harm he’s causing.

Argh comments like this at her age can be so destructive. I was developed like your daughter at the same age and had always been chunky. I got badly bullied and all my mother had to say about it was "well perhaps you could do with losing half a stone." We'd also have the regular lament of why she couldn't have 2 normal daughters -my sister was a stick insect with boobs. I was perfectly normal but felt like a whale.

She didn't realise the effect her comments had on my self esteem. She was trying to help so that i wouldn't get bullied (yes victim blaming and getting the victim to change - as if that would change their behaviour - ridiculous!). But this was what we lived with -congratulations were always qualified - we could ace a test and she's obsess on the missed points not congratulate the win. She thought telling us we were pretty/attractive or just fine as we are would make us prideful and big headed. Instead self esteem got crushed and my worth is entirely linked to being an ideal weight. My achievements mean nothing if i get them when I'm nklot the right weight. Things have improved over the years and i work hard to call her on it now and to prevent that sort of crap from being said to my girls.

Don't let them down play it down or minimise it as just banter or a joke.

There are worse things in life than being chubby. Yet so many seem to link it to some sort of failure of character and treat it worse than being unkind. (Not that your DD is - she isn't, but if she was it wouldn't warrant the comments)

She is lucky to have you as her advocate and it's great she could open up to you.

why can the op only speak to her Ex with DD permission?? this is a serious issue & they are both the child's parents so discussion is needed whether the daughter agrees or not. kids rarely know their own minds at such an age!

Are you overweight OP? The reason I ask is because my dad and step mum were like this and my mum was overweight and they’d use it to bully me. I was only allowed dinner, weren’t allowed a packed lunch or school dinner. I’d sneak snacks to my bedroom. They made me think I was a pig and humiliate me if I got caught, checking bins etc. I felt like I was massive, looking back at old pictures I was severely underweight.

im 25 now and have binge eating disorder.

Have you listened to the recording

Please help your daughter find a way to tell her dad & step mum that their derogatory, childish & unnecessary comments are hurting her & that she would appreciate it if they stop. She needs to feel supported to be able to have this conversation with these adults who are behaving so badly! They may think it is ‘just a bit of banter or fun’ but it is effecting the child & they need to stop now!!

My LG is nearly 11 & quite developed for a nearly 11yr old but she is healthy, fit & doesn’t eat a lot of crap.
Due to my physical disability we don’t do a lot of family exercise in the week but she does go out on her bike or scooter more now that she is a bit older. We are independence training before secondary school so she does go out every day & gets exercise for at-least an hour every day but she is still a small woman's size & about 5’3”.
She is curvy but based on her development level that is how she should be.
I would NEVER tell her she was fat but I do try to teach her about moderation when it comes to sugar & unhealthy foods because they are our downfall & cause issues if you are consuming too much without knowing. Many kids these days don’t think about the damage a few packs of crisps, sweets, fizzy drinks etc can do because they can’t see the sugar they are taking onboard. They are just ‘occasional treats’ but once a week is a treat not every day.

I’m amazed at the amount of people saying that her father wouldn’t say things like that and implying that she is exaggerating or making it up. Both my parents regularly commented on my weight from my early teens onward . I was never overweight as a teen - size 8- 10 but constantly asked if I had put on weight, that I was ‘getting stout” , that I’d grow up into “ a big fat woman”, being told I had a muffin top etc.
I was vomiting after meals which they knew about and it continued.
As an adult I moved to another country and would avoid going home because everytime I did pretty much the first thing they would do is comment on my weight.( I’m an average 12-14 and 5ft 7 so I’m definitely not huge) but it wore and wore away at my self esteem. I missed out on precious time with my dad before he died because of this
My dad was a good and loving father in many other ways but so preoccupied with weight. Mine and my mothers. ( my sis less so but she’s 10 yrs older than me and looking back had a pretty bad eating disorder although never diagnosed and they would worry that she didn’t eat enough- amazing how they could not see what they were doing)
Please don’t let it continue. Listen to her as you are doing. I really wish my mum would’ve stepped up instead of joining in. It’s damaged me to this day and I’m in my late 40s

Does her school have a family worker you can talk to. They might be in a better position to talk to dad about his shitty behaviour when it comes to his daughter's body and development than you. She can say the daughter came to her and that this is a serious concern and needs to be addressed.

He sounds like he’s uncomfortable that she is growing up and I think that it can be a factor in eating disorders, this unspoken discomfort and wanting to prevent the child developing, which is very harmful

She doesn’t have to see someone that makes her unhappy. My 13 year old DS knows I snoop on his phone while I pay for it. I’ve found videos bullying him on there by kids in uniform so forwarded to school.

as a person who struggles with weight I know some issues stem back to being called an elephant and phunty etc by my obese stepdad.

please do speak up on behalf of your child to the father and explain it’s not a joke. Nobody is laughing and he will lose the relationship if it continues as she has a choice. Plus now teenager they will want to spend weekends with friends etc.

To say these things to a 12 year old teenager finding her feet in the world and breaking her confidence is beyond ignorant. It's disgusting and inexcusable. Like many, the dad has prioritised his partner. If they don't add anything to your dad's life, and instead damage her self esteem, I'd ask her if she actually wants to see them anymore. She should take a break to see how she feels at least. I'd speak to your ex, explain calmly that he's not fit to parent his dc at the moment. Do not engage with the woman, she clearly is clueless at best, sees her as competition and wants her out of the picture at worst. Nasty.

*If they don't add anything to your daughter's life...
Sorry for the typos I was furious

I wouldn’t let anyone who called my child a fat pig see them again. Who t f do those arseholes think they are??

If your child was overweight then there are ways of encouraging a healthier lifestyle. This shaming is disgusting.

WTF is wrong with some people? How could anyone say something like that to a kid?
Call him and read him the riot act. If he says one more thing that can even loosely be described as fat shamming then he’ll have to have supervised visits only. What a disgusting waste of a parent.

What an incredibly dangerous assumption to make. OP has stated that step mum is 26. I can totally hear an immature nasty 26 year old saying that, echoed by a grown man talking out of his cock!

Safer to believe and be wrong than to ever assume they are lying, and letting them suffer as a result.

Poor little scrap. Why the hell would she lie about that?! It would be a painfully embarrassing lie at that age too!

OP....Are you able to have a bitch with her? Could you make her a hot chocolate and say " can I confide in you about something that won't go back to Dad or Step Mum?" And then " confess" to something you had been thinking..make it up if you have too..but trust her with something, give her a little bit of control, and she will find it very hard to not tell you....she probably wants to, and would if she thought she could without anything coming back on her. 😊 Good luck lovely, let us know how you get on.

Ahhhh just seen the updated post from OP.

That's lovely, well done Mum ❤️

If the things she has described are true word for word, then his behaviour is abusive and bullying. If he was talking like this to a partner it would be classed as domestic abuse.
I would reduce the time she spends with him. You could try talking to him but it probably wouldn’t stop his behaviour towards her.