Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel a but weird about this?

72 replies

ToffeeCreams · 18/10/2022 22:44

DH used to have a carer for his elderly mum (His mum lived with him and his then partner. This was around 12 years ago. ) The carer was in most days and DH was always the one who saw her. They got on well and he trusted her implicitly as well as really appreciated what she did for his mum. In many ways, she became family. His partner barely knew her but wasn't wasn't a nice person. I don't know the exact details but I know that in the end, she made the woman feel unappreciated and untrusted so she quit. DH came home one day and was told that the carer had quit. He was sad about it but moved on. Today however he received a long letter from her after all this time. Just saying how it always made her feel sad the way it ended, that she wished she could have said goodbye properly and that she really cared for his mum. Also that she was never the same after all of that happened which I'm not sure what she meant. She is emigrating to Australia and didn't write before as she didn't want to cause any issues.
Am I right to feel a bit weird over this?

OP posts:

Original poster

ToffeeCreams · 18/10/2022 22:45

bit weird
MN really needs an edit button....

OP posts:

Anon778833 · 18/10/2022 22:48

It sounds like this woman wants to go to Australia with a clear conscience about this situation because she would have wished it to end differently.

Now that your dh is no longer with the woman who made her quit, perhaps she feels able to do this now?

HighlandPony · 18/10/2022 22:50

It’s hard for us who care for others to just switch off emotionally. We often get invested in not just the person we’re caring for but for their loved ones and even their annoying pets too. Don’t feel weird.

MissMaple82 · 18/10/2022 22:51

Why is it weird?? I don't see anything weird about it, shows she has genuine compassion for his mother and family.. alot if carers dint give a shiny shite

AlwaysGinPlease · 18/10/2022 22:51

Not weird at all. She's putting things to a close before she moves away. It's quite sweet I think.

Lentil63 · 18/10/2022 22:54

You have choices if you have carers coming into your house several times a day. I chose to be friendly with the ones who helped me look after my dad. One or two of them became friends. I completely understand this lady who has waited until now for professional reasons I imagine. I would not be at all concerned, it’s very far from weird.

PisanCantos · 18/10/2022 22:54

Why do you feel weird? Are you suggesting you think this carer had feelings for your husband, rather than was just trying to get some closure on a job that ended badly through no fault of hers before she emigrates?

I don’t see anything odd about it. She may well be trying to tidy things up before leaving for the other side of the world.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 22:55

People who work in a caring role really do/can carry on caring and thinking about the peoples they helped. As you say she was almost part of the family.
People in these roles cannot switch off how much they care.

I spent time caring for children of two families. About 8 years after I left, they reached out to me to say they still think of me and miss me. I still think about them. I thought it was a lovely thing to do.

She sounds like a very lovely lady who has been carrying this around for quite some time.

Original poster

ToffeeCreams · 18/10/2022 22:56

I guess it was the fact she was still thinking about it after all this time that's got to me. Felt a bit embarrassed for her as DH hasn't mentioned it in years. It's clear there is still a lot of pain there and sadness and after so long, just feels odd that she's still feeling like that. We have all had bad jobs end in a way we wouldn't have wanted but a few weeks on and we forget. This is not the case here it seems and it has been such a long time now.

OP posts:

MarmiteCoriander · 18/10/2022 23:09

What is your exact question? Am I correct that this lady cared for the MIL 12yrs ago?

Yes, its a bit odd to only get in touch now- ALL these years later! I'm a HCP, not a carer though, but do recall patients from many years ago. I have often wondered how did X get on, did they have other children, what happened to Florence etc. I've never contacted any though, nor their families!

I don't want to be suspicious, but was their any mention of this person being added to the will?

Maybe the ex said something nasty? Who knows?

If its really 12yrs on- I would think your partner would be best to say something vaguely like :

' Dear ....

Thank you for looking after dear mum back in 2010. It was a difficult time for us all, but mum appreciated your help at the time.

Best of luck in your next adventures/travels.

all the best/regards xxxx

He could add that you were sad to see her go, but without know exactly what the ex said- who knows???

Original poster

ToffeeCreams · 18/10/2022 23:21

She never got to say goodbye to DH in person which seems to have really bothered her after all this time. The ex said something which made her feel untrusted and she felt she couldn't stay in the role any longer because of that.
I guess I just wondered if anyone else found it all a bit weird...
Definitely not will related. She would have been in touch years ago if that were the case and she didn't leave a forwarding address or anything so DH couldn't even reply if he wanted to.

OP posts:

Original poster

ToffeeCreams · 18/10/2022 23:22

Or got to say goodbye to his mum in person either so there was also that I guess.

OP posts:

PurpleMarie · 18/10/2022 23:37

You feel embarrassed for her? That’s a bitchy thing to say.

She seems like a caring individual who shared how she feels. I don’t know what it has at all to do with you.

OnaBegonia · 18/10/2022 23:41

She never got to say goodbye to DH in person which seems to have really bothered her after all this time.
Sounds like you're jealous of someone he hasn't seen in 12 years, I think you're the weird one.

Anon778833 · 18/10/2022 23:44

Carers (in fact all good carers) become emotionally invested with the people that they look after. My daughter has very high care needs and all of the staff who no longer care for her still take an interest in how she is, today.

NiceTwin · 18/10/2022 23:45

You feel embarrassed for her?!

I would say you are more likely to fall into the weird bracket rather than the carer.

And this all pre-dates you.

What exactly is your problem?

MarmiteCoriander · 18/10/2022 23:46

OP- Am I correct that the carer role was 12yrs ago, DH got a random letter from the carer about her issues/thoughts from back then- yet no details of how to contact her now???

Why the post then? If he has no current contact details that were included in the letter, she is emigrating- then surely, he has no choice to reply at all??? Sorry if I've missed something? What are you hoping for?

ToadSmall · 18/10/2022 23:50

She probably doesn't mean that she's thinking about it all of the time.

She was probably going through her things getting ready for her adventure and it made her think of what had happened and she decided to do something about it.

Being embarrassed for her is such a weird reaction to have. Are you often concerned about what other people think of you?

LittleBrenda · 18/10/2022 23:52

His partner barely knew her but wasn't wasn't a nice person

Shocking!

CourtneeLuv · 18/10/2022 23:57

You don't sound like much of a 'very nice person' either op.

If the woman was like family and had to leave without saying goodbye, of course that would stick with her

Wombat100 · 19/10/2022 00:12

Your OP said she was almost like family. So on that basis it doesn’t seem weird at all that she’s been dwelling on what sounds like a sad ending to the relationship she had with the family.

TedMullins · 19/10/2022 00:49

There’s one person being weird here, and it’s not her…

PickAnyName · 19/10/2022 00:55

She wanted to leave on a good note as she wasn’t able to say goodbye. I imagine she has now retired and wanted closure. Seems fine to me.

butterfliedtwo · 19/10/2022 01:01

You're the weird one, feeling the need to be bitchy on the Internet about a woman who helped care for your mother in law.

butterfliedtwo · 19/10/2022 01:05

She wasn't even your MIL, all this predates you? That makes your post even weirder. Nothing to do with you.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread