To feel a but weird about this?

[ToffeeCreams]

DH used to have a carer for his elderly mum (His mum lived with him and his then partner. This was around 12 years ago. ) The carer was in most days and DH was always the one who saw her. They got on well and he trusted her implicitly as well as really appreciated what she did for his mum. In many ways, she became family. His partner barely knew her but wasn't wasn't a nice person. I don't know the exact details but I know that in the end, she made the woman feel unappreciated and untrusted so she quit. DH came home one day and was told that the carer had quit. He was sad about it but moved on. Today however he received a long letter from her after all this time. Just saying how it always made her feel sad the way it ended, that she wished she could have said goodbye properly and that she really cared for his mum. Also that she was never the same after all of that happened which I'm not sure what she meant. She is emigrating to Australia and didn't write before as she didn't want to cause any issues.
Am I right to feel a bit weird over this?

I'm not sure i'd jump to the conclusion that she had deep feelings for the DH though. (Has OP said that? Might have missed it).

I'd find it just ... weird!

What do you mean, weird? Are you cross she's written?

Do you struggle with understanding people and personal relationships?

why is it weird?

and what has it got to do with you?

But OP isn't receiving letters about it.

Her husband has recived ONE letter, from a carer who bonded with his mum & her family, before she emigrates halfway round the world.

Hardly surprising that she is reviewing her life in the UK, & wanted to reach out to the son of a woman she cared about, but was summarily sacked from working for, without even being allowed to say goodbye.

It's none of OP's business. Her business is to support her husband in any feelings HE might have about the letter, & the sad facts that occasioned it.

I used to work in an admin role in a cancer clinic, but did come in contact with patients. I still think of some of them often, more than 20 years after they were buried. We're not robots, it's not just some simple job, we CARE. Genuinly, from the heart. We care for people regardless of age, gender, sex or religion, because they're all individuals with their own life story and character.

It's not like she's WhatsApping him on the sly

So one day she quit and that was it? Your OH never made contact with her? Never offered to discuss what the problem was?

Yeah, she's not the weird one in this scenario.

It's clear there is still a lot of pain there and sadness and after so long, just feels odd that she's still feeling like that. .....I don't think they had an affair. .... It's just that it seems so deep on her side.

She said she missed him too and wished she could have said goodbye in person to both him and his mum. I don't know, just as I say, really surprised that she wrote after so long and the part about her never being the same after it all. Just caught me unawares,

OP sounds completely rational to me.
I don't think she is completely unjustified in finding it a bit strange that the woman has waited 12 years to write about all that.

It's clearly not just a
''Hey [OP's DH]! Off to Aussie in a few weeks, just wanted to say how much i loved looking after your mum. Hope you're all good. Have a great life! Regards, x carer''.

We haven't read the letter. OP says there's still a lot of pain there - she missed the DH - never been the same ect. It must be quite deep/full on.

You can’t underestimate the bond that’s often created when people care for others.

It’s not necessarily romantic. My daughter had a specialist nurse who was a huge help to us from my daughter being tiny. She was an advocate, a true support and she routinely went out of her way to make our lives better.

We met her 13 years ago, she retired 5 years ago and we keep in touch. I was genuinely gutted when she told me she was retiring and I was delighted when she said she wanted to keep in touch. We meet a couple of times a year, she remembers DD’s birthday and feels like a part of our family.

Difficult experiences often forge bonds from both sides - the supported and the supporter. It’s not weird, it’s human.

I also don’t think that there’s an expiration date on caring for somebody who meant something to you. Twelve years isn’t a long time if they left an impression on you, it can last a lifetime - quietly, fondly and just as a part of your story.

She's probably tying up loose ends before she leaves and feels your MIL was unfinished business.

I don't see anything weird or embarrassing about it. I don't think it means she's been harbouring a burning desire for your DH daily since she left.

She wanted closure. I've written a letter probably 35 years after the event in order to finally get closure. It's probably something she agonised over for years, as not seeming to be important enough to upset the family's applecart over, and she finally thought fuck it, I'm going to send that letter before I start my new life, and then I can put it in the past. I would just get your DP to reply that she was very much loved and appreciated and he was sorry he didn't get to say goodbye, best wishes for her new life, etc etc.

OK, one letter.

But if we're going to pick bones she wasn't ''summarily sacked'' without being ''allowed to say goodbye'' either.

''The ex said something which made her feel untrusted and she felt she couldn't stay in the role any longer''

Why couldn't she have written 12 years ago to say goodbye? I'm not saying she was in love with the DH. I'm just saying i'd find it weird too.

Ah! I am usually pretty cynical but it seems to me she is a sweet person who wants closure before moving on to her next chapter. I would warmly wish her well.

Why would it feel weird for you?

There are some jobs that really stick with you & I understand that may be hard to comprehend if you've never had a job like that.
When I was growing up we had a nanny (not posh just with 4 kids rurally it was the only way with no family to help), I'm still in contact with her although not regularly. We stopped being in contact for years and years and then spoke again when she heard my mum had dementia.
She recently got in touch again as she was doing a clear out and came across some photos which made her think of us and she thought she should see how we all are.
My husband is a dr and regularly has random cards from patients who due to some major life event have thought about him again and they just want to thank him and update him on their lives.
Sometimes something triggers a memory and you feel strongly that you should do something about it. Time can also make it easier to approach people over difficult subjects.

My post has nothing to do with you, or your job. I was just trying to shed light on why the OP's DH might have received a letter from this lady. She has come onto Mumsnet for people's take on it, so I gave her mine. People fall in love all the time with people they shouldn't.
I have not insulted you, I would not dream of it, I don't know you! You have taken offence all by yourself.
For what it's worth I think you are very rude to make replies to the OP about yourself and to tell me my opinion doesn't matter.

I agree that she's seeking closure on something that really hurt and upset her. Yes, it's twelve years ago but when you have a good relationship with someone you are looking after and their family, and it comes to an abrupt end it is hard. It sounds as though her professionalism was called into judgement and she may have carried the unjustness of false allegations with her for all this time.
I think your DH should write and acknowledge how much her care for his mum was appreciated and wish her every happiness and success for the future.

Yes, I'd find it weird too. It was 12 years ago.

And it reads to me that there was something more than just her job caring for his mother. That bit adds in as a sort of after thought.

just saying how it always made her feel sad the way it ended, that she wished she could have said goodbye properly and that she really cared for his mum. Also that she was never the same after all of that happened

She is sad the way it ended. What ended? The job? from the way its written i'd say it sounds like she is sad their relationship ended - perhaps not an actual relationship in the romantic sense, but maybe some real connection there. perhaps she viewed your DH as a really good friend in her life.

And not sure what she means by never the same after it all happened. So obviously something happened, other than a simple, you're fired because dw doesn't like you.

So thats why I find it weird. I'd wonder what exactly did happen. Perhaps a line was crossed between her and DH. Or perhaps the ex wife was just insanely jealous. It seems very odd to fire someone on the spot with no replacement for their mothers care.

However, it was 12 years ago. If anything more was going on, its ancient history. Well until now. Was she hoping to meet up with DH to 'say goodbye' before going to australia do you think?

The chances of this carer making contact after 12 years, shortly before emigrating to the other side of the world, because she had fallen in love with the Op's husband is, I would imagine, the least likely explanation for sending this letter.

For this to be your take on the situation completely denies the indescribable bond that is built between a carer and her client. By the DH's own words, she was "like family", so we know the depth of the bond.

I didn't make the post about me, rather I gave a description of what being a carer is like, and how that bond doesn't just dissipate. It can last for many, many years.
I wouldn't consider it "rude" to give my perspective in response to the Op, and others who have replied.
That's how chat forums work.

When my mum went into her care home, the private carer/companion we had hired to supplement her care package who had been visiting once a week every week for 3yrs went to visit her off his own back and still pops in at Christmas /her birthday and checks up with me how she's doing every now & then. It's more than a just a job.

There was nothing in the note which said she was never the same after it because of DH. She said because of how it ended, how she was made to feel, how she didn't get to say goodbye. It read more as a sadness of the situation.
DH actually did block her number at the time just because it was all awkward and felt it was for the best. She was a great carer he said and deeply cared for his mum and the others in the family, he was sad about it at the time but knew to leave alone because didn't want to upset his partner.
Anyway, that will be all we will hear of her now she's got all that off her chest I am sure.