Page 2 | To feel a but weird about this?

ToffeeCreams · 2022-10-18T21:44:53+00:00

DH used to have a carer for his elderly mum (His mum lived with him and his then partner. This was around 12 years ago. ) The carer was in most days and DH was always the one who saw her. They got on well and he trusted her implicitly as well as really appreciated what she did for his mum. In many ways, she became family. His partner barely knew her but wasn't wasn't a nice person. I don't know the exact details but I know that in the end, she made the woman feel unappreciated and untrusted so she quit. DH came home one day and was told that the carer had quit. He was sad about it but moved on. Today however he received a long letter from her after all this time. Just saying how it always made her feel sad the way it ended, that she wished she could have said goodbye properly and that she really cared for his mum. Also that she was never the same after all of that happened which I'm not sure what she meant. She is emigrating to Australia and didn't write before as she didn't want to cause any issues. Am I right to feel a bit weird over this?

FlowerArranger · 19/10/2022 01:07

We have all had bad jobs end in a way we wouldn't have wanted but a few weeks on and we forget

You really think caring for this elderly lady was just a job to her?

Really?!!

supercatlady · 19/10/2022 08:40

I sense you're worried he cheated with the carer, and that the ex wife had good reason not to be nice?

Original poster

ToffeeCreams · 19/10/2022 12:21

No I don't think they had an affair. They were never alone together or saw each other socially apart from in work.
It's just that it seems so deep on her side. DH said he was very sad about it at the time and told me about it before, but as far as I know, he hasn't thought about her in years. Just find it strange that she didn't move on too and still stuck on it all.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 12:26

What do you mean - feel weird? Weird about what? It's not about you.

It's about a decent woman who was run off her job & who, before emigrating halfway round the world, wanted to put the record straight & remember DH's mum fondly to him.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 12:28

ToffeeCreams · 18/10/2022 22:56

I guess it was the fact she was still thinking about it after all this time that's got to me. Felt a bit embarrassed for her as DH hasn't mentioned it in years. It's clear there is still a lot of pain there and sadness and after so long, just feels odd that she's still feeling like that. We have all had bad jobs end in a way we wouldn't have wanted but a few weeks on and we forget. This is not the case here it seems and it has been such a long time now.

Why are you feeling embarrassment over something that is 1) in no way embarrassing 2) is nowt to do with you?

Are you trying to create an issue for your husband? Do you not like him having had a life before you?

yerdaindicatesonbends · 19/10/2022 12:48

I really don’t understand why you find this so weird and embarrassing. She was emotionally connected, as you stated they were like family. And you have no idea what has happened within her life within recent times which may have caused her to enter a period of reflection and now she just wants to touch base.

I think if more people were able to self reflect and be open with others like her then the world would be a much better Place tbh.

Original poster

ToffeeCreams · 19/10/2022 12:48

I guess it was because she said she missed him too and wished she could have said goodbye in person to both him and his mum. I don't know, just as I say, really surprised that she wrote after so long and the part about her never being the same after it all. Just caught me unawares, her deep feelings about them all. Obviously she's moved away and left no contact details but still, suppose it isn't an issue now.

OP posts:

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 12:50

ToffeeCreams · 18/10/2022 22:56

I guess it was the fact she was still thinking about it after all this time that's got to me. Felt a bit embarrassed for her as DH hasn't mentioned it in years. It's clear there is still a lot of pain there and sadness and after so long, just feels odd that she's still feeling like that. We have all had bad jobs end in a way we wouldn't have wanted but a few weeks on and we forget. This is not the case here it seems and it has been such a long time now.

Why would you feel embarrassed for her?!

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 12:51

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 12:28

Why are you feeling embarrassment over something that is 1) in no way embarrassing 2) is nowt to do with you?

Are you trying to create an issue for your husband? Do you not like him having had a life before you?

Show quote history

Yes. All this was pre-you so no need to worry about it

givinglessfucksdaily · 19/10/2022 13:04

I think she sounds lovely

You do not

Captainfairylights · 19/10/2022 13:07

To me it sounds like unfinished business. I would wonder if the carer was in love with DH and even if they didn't have an affair there was something more to it, and this is probably why the former partner got rid. Even if the husband is not reciprocating you don't want someone around who was is love with him. Personally I think it's not weird so much as sad. She hasn't left a contact address because she's trying to put the whole thing behind her. I'm a hopeless romantic myself and could very easily see myself harbouring a hopeless love for my boss and being unable to tell him. Or confessing and fucking everything up.
As it all rpedated you, your DH had no reason to go into any details, if he knew she was in love with him. He probably just accepted the DP's judgement and let it go. That's usually what the husband does!
I think you're not quite being honest with yourself about why this weirds you out. I think it's because, quite possibly this woman loved your DH and you didn't know about it.

Holly60 · 19/10/2022 13:09

ToffeeCreams · 19/10/2022 12:21

No I don't think they had an affair. They were never alone together or saw each other socially apart from in work.
It's just that it seems so deep on her side. DH said he was very sad about it at the time and told me about it before, but as far as I know, he hasn't thought about her in years. Just find it strange that she didn't move on too and still stuck on it all.

I doubt it's something she's thought about often but I would guess that as she is emigrating she is reflecting back on her life here and has reflected that she never got full closure on a sad event, so is doing it now. I bit of an emotional mot before starting her new life.

She sounds lovely and very emotionally intelligent.

Crunchymum · 19/10/2022 13:13

It may be a ploy to kidnap your DH and take him to Australia with her.

Or maybe she was just a bloody good carer who got fucked over by someone and it stayed with her.

They got on well and he trusted her implicitly as well as really appreciated what she did for his mum. In many ways, she became family

If this statement is true on your DH's part then why can't it be true on the carer's part?

I would feel deeply comforted to receive such a letter, to know that someone cared about my mum so much and to know my family touched her life.

JackieCollinsExistentialQuestionTime · 19/10/2022 13:14

Just because he hasn’t mentioned it in years, doesn’t mean he’s not thought about it.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:17

JackieCollinsExistentialQuestionTime · 19/10/2022 13:14

Just because he hasn’t mentioned it in years, doesn’t mean he’s not thought about it.

Yes maybe they had a deep emotional connection at the time but he's moved on now.

Just don't sweat it.

CallTheMobWife · 19/10/2022 13:22

Jesus, OP, your husbands ex was so vile to this woman that she had to quit suddenly without saying good bye to the client or her family! It must have been awful for her.
And you're embarassed for her and feel weird about it and are posting here because you have no idea how people don't get over things in " a few weeks"?

Sounds like your DH has a particular type of women, anyway.....

Original poster

ToffeeCreams · 19/10/2022 13:23

I know she was important to him at the time as she was doing such a vital role for him. I'm not sure that signifies a deep bond though.
I guess she had her reasons for writing after so long. Just struggling to understand why it continued to stay with her for so long.

OP posts:

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:25

ToffeeCreams · 19/10/2022 13:23

I know she was important to him at the time as she was doing such a vital role for him. I'm not sure that signifies a deep bond though.
I guess she had her reasons for writing after so long. Just struggling to understand why it continued to stay with her for so long.

Why is it so hard to understand. We meet people in our lives that leave a lasting impression. They bond. We think about what could have been, what we had, not even always romantically.

SallyWD · 19/10/2022 13:26

I actually think this is rather lovely. She clearly cared about your DH's mother and his family. She was obviously very upset by what happened. It's not like she's after him - as she's moving to Australia! I can imagine it's been preying on her mind for years and she wanted to clear the air before she started her new life. I find it strange that you find it strange!

CallTheMobWife · 19/10/2022 13:28

ToffeeCreams · 19/10/2022 13:23

I know she was important to him at the time as she was doing such a vital role for him. I'm not sure that signifies a deep bond though.
I guess she had her reasons for writing after so long. Just struggling to understand why it continued to stay with her for so long.

You don't appear to know the details of what happened, and weren't there, didn't meet her, and its nothing to do with you....so why would you imagine you would understand, and why would you think you need to understand?

CoffeeLover90 · 19/10/2022 13:31

I worked in care for a while, I was told not to get attached but I couldn't help it, like most of my ex colleagues. These people become more than your job, you do so much and spend so much time with them that it does create a bond. I still think of some residents now, it's been 10 years since I left. If she was able to say goodbye to the other families she worked with she may have wanted to give your DP the same courtesy.
There's a reason they're called carers, most are genuine, selfless, hardworking people who put everyone before themselves. If she had to leave on bad terms, I'd imagine it did trouble her.

Hobbesmanc · 19/10/2022 13:33

You've obviously got your own theory that, for whatever reason you are being all coy about. You just keep reposting the same thing. Not sure of your intention or agenda

JockTamsonsBairns · 19/10/2022 13:33

Captainfairylights · 19/10/2022 13:07

To me it sounds like unfinished business. I would wonder if the carer was in love with DH and even if they didn't have an affair there was something more to it, and this is probably why the former partner got rid. Even if the husband is not reciprocating you don't want someone around who was is love with him. Personally I think it's not weird so much as sad. She hasn't left a contact address because she's trying to put the whole thing behind her. I'm a hopeless romantic myself and could very easily see myself harbouring a hopeless love for my boss and being unable to tell him. Or confessing and fucking everything up.
As it all rpedated you, your DH had no reason to go into any details, if he knew she was in love with him. He probably just accepted the DP's judgement and let it go. That's usually what the husband does!
I think you're not quite being honest with yourself about why this weirds you out. I think it's because, quite possibly this woman loved your DH and you didn't know about it.

This post has really upset me. I've been a carer for 26 years, and have built close relationships with many of my clients and their close families. It's not in any way just a job to me. It's natural to become invested when looking after someone. In fact, it's pretty damn impossible not to become invested if you get to the stage of being trusted implicitly and treated as family.
It's not just "wiping arses" as is so often referenced. It's becoming in touch with their entire life and wellbeing, their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as they gradually get more frail and dependent.
Supporting an elderly person through the process of ageing takes an unseen amount of skill and emotional competence - which goes largely unacknowledged by wider society.

That you suggest the cause of this woman's pain is rooted in being in love with Op's husband is so deeply insulting and, yet again, further devalues the role that a good carer plays.

Your post is demoralising, and indicates that you know nothing about the job of a carer.
Please think again.

catfunk · 19/10/2022 13:33

YABU. It sounds like you are jealous and looking for issues where there aren't any.
It's nothing to do with you.

Laiste · 19/10/2022 13:38

12 years.
She walked out from the job 12 years ago ....

Well i'm with you - yes - i'd find it a bit weird as well, to be receiving letters about it all now.