IDK How to deal with Narcissistic Mother

[cassiatwenty]

Hello all,

I'm having a bit of trouble with my mum. I've just been through a difficult life change and I needed some support.

But my mum keeps making my depression worse. Yes, she helps me a bit and then has moments of screaming at me, and telling me that I will no longer be in her will, talking (badly) of my friends (she Google searched without my permission).

I need family but I really don't need and like someone constantly interfering in my life, helping me, and then emotionally blackmailing me. Every time I make a mistake and spill something, there's a scene and then she calls her friends via her mobile to tell them what a horrid person I am.

She also keeps mentioning my biological father whom I haven't even seen for 20 years.

Sorry, I'm not writing this to complain, I just need some sage advice because this is so bizarre that I don't know how to deal with it. I just don't want her in my life, AIBU?

What would you do? I want to be a normal person and live my life again, and not be someone's prisoner (and their past)

Could you please advise me? x

I could have written this a few years ago. Remove her from your life

Go no contact

Why/how does she mention him?

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can completely relate to your situation. My mother can be such a horrid narcissist, treating me like garbage. She demands respect even when she is being truly horrible to me. But I have lost all respect for her and I am not sure there is much love left for her. But this has made it easier for me to fight back and stand up for myself, which she translates as me mistreating her and she’s tells people what a terrible daughter I am to her. I feel broken by her, in so many ways. I wish I could go no contact but I am the only person she has and she is elderly now. I am very sad about my future with her in my life. It will be shit.

Anyone can give birth. There’s nothing sacred about being a mother, they don’t deserve respect if they are awful mothers to their children. For your own sanity, and peace and happiness go no contact sooner rather than later.

I went NC. It's bliss OP. You can't choose your family and it's a shame when you so want family in your life. But sadly sometimes it's better without them.

I second that!! Going NC was the best thing I did for my own sanity , all this shouting about Wills , and telling other people about how she perceives” you are not doing enough “ It’s all about control. So just pull back a bit and see what transpires. You will be much happier.

Thank you for your support @coralpig @DrManhattan @gamerchick @Cruisebabe1 , much appreciated xx

@Fraaahnces It's random and it's "the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree" whatever that means 20 years later. I don't understand tbh

@SnoozyLucy7 I'm so so sorry about your situation that's very similar to mine and I can completely relate, as well. You don't need to do anything special to earn her respect. I hope your future does get better because you deserve it. What helped me at times is finding other people to connect with, and not depend solely on her validation, it seems that even MN helps. Thanks so much for helping even though you're struggling yourself. I wish both of us find freedom at some point x

Look up "grey rock". You don't have to stop seeing her but stop sharing important stuff.

She's not going to suddenly offer emotional support so you to need to come to terms with that and find other ways to support yourself.

You don't need people who make you feel worse that is not support. Distance yourself before you become co dependent

She sounds very similar to my mum. Sadly the only way I could deal with it was by going NC 10 years ago. It's the best thing I've ever did, the sense of freedom from it is like nothing else. I tried all other methods - keeping her at a distance, not letting her in on big life stuff etc but it became a full time juggling act and she always found a way round it.
Mine also googled & facebook stalked my friends (who she'd never even met) - it's fucking creepy.

Go no contact. She will not improve. She sounds like my mum, pretending to be supportive then screaming abuse. You do not need this toxic environment.

I was NC for 5 years. I was then emotionally blackmailed by my sibling who lives overseas into seeing my mum again when my stepfather developed dementia. That was several years ago.

Earlier this year I had to seek counselling as I felt suicidal after staying with her for 2 days.

I found a counsellor helpful in terms of how to protect myself from the abuse. I will never stay with her again and make sure I have an escape route and avoid her triggers. If you don’t go NC, that might be a route to take.

I hope my mum dies before long.

You need to protect yourself from her like you would from anyone else that behaved like this toward you and made you feel like this. You don't necessarily need to go full no contact, but you do need to severely reduce the amount of access she has to you, phyiscally, mentally and emotionally. Don't give her the reaction she's looking for, this is the key, and any reaction fuels the fire, positive or negative. When she's not getting enough she will switch modes, or ramp it up until she has the distress from you she is looking for.

It's really difficult to accept that you don't have the "mum" that everyone else seems to have, it seems so fundamental and it's such a strong urge to be connnected to a mother figure, but life will get so much easier if you able to drop any expectations you have of her.

If possible, engage with a therapist who can support you through this and help you to work out how to navigate this next period as you extract yourself from her. You are not on your own.

She thrives on making you feel like you are dependent on her and can’t cope without her help, but when you go no contact you will realise you are a strong, resourceful independent woman who has been weighed down by the burden of your mother’s behaviour, demands and ill treatment of you all your life. 💐

Go NC it’s the only way. I had to. My family (dm and dsis mostly) are horrific they don’t just leave me alone they actively try to sabotage my life so I’ve cut all ties

Even if you don't go nc, you have to set firm boundaries. Tell her that you don't have the energy to deal with her aggression and you need a few months space every time she acts up. It's amazing how the narcissist can't cope when they realise you're not half as attached to them as they are to you

And remember "oh fuck off you vile harridan " is a complete sentence!
more seriously, you are in no way obligated to her for anything, now or ever. You do not have to have anything to do with her, or owe her anything..
if someone else mentions her just say "who?" and move on.

I need family

Perhaps you do - but she isn't the family you need. When we're going through a difficult time we'd all like support and we hope that it will be family who provide it.

But realistically she's not going to change. She's not suddenly going to slap her forehead and declare that she's been a rotten mother to you and how she's going to change from this day forward. So ask yourself which would cause you least distress - to go through whatever it is on your own, without her, or to keep hearing all the things she's saying to and about you.

If you keep going trying to have a relationship with her in the hope that one day she'll respond the way you want her to, you're setting yourself up for more hurt and more abuse. Find the strength to do this alone, or talk to others (friends, a counsellor).

And don't worry what she's saying about you to other people either. It won't have any direct impact on your life so it doesn't matter. And if you don't contact her, you won't know anyway.

Hi all,

First of all, many thanks for your helpful responses and advices. Means a lot when someone keeps trying to undermine your self-esteem yet you still have people who understand. I was in a really bad place but you all came to the rescue! I regret so many of us went through this however we still have MN and that's not too bad

@Georgesgrumpymedicine Yes you're right. I need to come to terms with that. I will look up grey rock technique, thank you

@mynamesnotMa Thankyou, yes people who make you feel worse, that's not support

@user1483646497 Yes, it's so creepy isn't it? They are YOUR friends, her opinions and comments don't matter. I asked so many times for her to mind her business (as it would be better for her mental health not to compare herself to others) but no. You are so right about it becoming a full juggling act, that's how I feel. Thank you for your support & advice xx

@Swivellingbrat I can relate to this as well, and I'm so sorry that she made you feel suicidal. I was also with her for 6 days and cried because she made me feel bad with all her grim stories, only to be yelled at how dare I cry. These people are horrid.

You deserve good things in your life without all this malarkey.

I'm sending good vibes your way and thankyou xx

@GreenManalishi Thankyou for this

"It's really difficult to accept that you don't have the "mum" that everyone else seems to have, it seems so fundamental and it's such a strong urge to be connnected to a mother figure, but life will get so much easier if you able to drop any expectations you have of her." -- it's wise, and something real I couldn't figure out on my own.

Thank you for your support and letting me know I'm not alone, it means so much right now.

@PeekabooAtTheZoo -- Thank you for your kind comment, it means a lot 💐 It feels surreal to have people on MN who understand and who are supportive more than your own flesh and blood. It helps so much to talk (chat) to mature and supportive people xx

@WhataboutThewhataboutery -- I'm so sorry and I understand when your family actively
tries to sabotage your life, and I reckon there's better chance of making it if at least your mistakes and victories are your own, not other people's choice or pressure.

@Pandapop3 -- Yes, I realized that everything fuels her, whether I make a positive comment or stand up for myself.

Many thanks for your support!

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS "And remember "oh fuck off you vile harridan " is a complete sentence!" --

This just made me laugh in real life, thanks for that! I appreciate your support and humour xx

@Gymnopedie -- Thank you so much for finding time to comment and help me out with this.

I wouldn't be able to think like this or figure this out on my own, so much appreciated!

"And don't worry what she's saying about you to other people either. It won't have any direct impact on your life so it doesn't matter. And if you don't contact her, you won't know anyway." -- yes, this!

It would hurt me so much when I would make a small mistake or stand up for myself, to feel betrayed by my own family calling her minions (flying monkeys) every. single. time. there' an issue. Life's hard as it is, why compete with your own family.

Thanks again so much, you don't how good it feels to have people who understand and relate. I hope you are doing well xxx

Hi all,

First of all, many thanks for your helpful responses and advices. Means a lot when someone keeps trying to undermine your self-esteem yet you still have people who understand. I was in a really bad place but you all came to the rescue! I regret so many of us went through this however we still have MN and that's not too bad

@Georgesgrumpymedicine

Yes you're right. I need to come to terms with that. I will look up grey rock technique, thank you

@mynamesnotMa

Thankyou, yes people who make you feel worse, that's not support

@user1483646497

Yes, it's so creepy isn't it? They are YOUR friends, her opinions and comments don't matter. I asked so many times for her to mind her business (as it would be better for her mental health not to compare herself to others) but no.

You are so right about it becoming a full juggling act, that's how I feel. Thank you for your support & advice xx

@Swivellingbrat I can relate to this as well, and I'm so sorry that she made you feel suicidal. I was also with her for 6 days and cried because she made me feel bad with all her grim stories, only to be yelled at how dare I cry. These people are horrid.

You deserve good things in your life without all this malarkey. I'm sending good vibes your way and thankyou xx

@GreenManalishi
Thankyou for this "It's really difficult to accept that you don't have the "mum" that everyone else seems to have, it seems so fundamental and it's such a strong urge to be connnected to a mother figure, but life will get so much easier if you able to drop any expectations you have of her." -- it's wise, and something real I couldn't figure out on my own. Thank you for your support and letting me know I'm not alone, it means so much right now.

@PeekabooAtTheZoo -- Thank you for your kind comment, it means a lot 💐 It feels surreal to have people on MN who understand and who are supportive more than your own flesh and blood. It helps so much to talk (chat) to mature and supportive people xx

@WhataboutThewhataboutery -- I'm so sorry and I understand when your family actively
tries to sabotage your life, and I reckon there's better chance of making it if at least your mistakes and victories are your own, not other people's choice or pressure.

@Pandapop3 -- Yes, I realized that everything fuels her, whether I make a positive comment or stand up for myself. Many thanks for your support!

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS "And remember "oh fuck off you vile harridan " is a complete sentence!" -- This just made me laugh in real life, thanks for that! I appreciate your support and humour xx

@Gymnopedie -- Thank you so much for finding time to comment and help me out with this.
I wouldn't be able to think like this or figure this out on my own, so much appreciated!

"And don't worry what she's saying about you to other people either. It won't have any direct impact on your life so it doesn't matter. And if you don't contact her, you won't know anyway." -- yes, this!

It would hurt me so much when I would make a small mistake or stand up for myself, to feel betrayed by my own family calling her minions (flying monkeys) every. single. time. there' an issue. Life's hard as it is, why compete with your own family.

Thanks again so much, you don't how good it feels to have people who understand and relate. I hope you are doing well xxx

P.S. Edited so people can see their usernames more clearly, oops 😅

I went no contact. I do not miss that feeling in the pit of your stomach when a visit is imminent!
it is difficult because as I frequently say you go through phases; first you want them to love you, then you’d settle for them liking you. After a few years of nothing you hope they at least respect you. Finally you realise that the only important person in their life is them.
walk away, you owe nothing.

@Gilead Yes, you're so right. That feeling in the pit of one's stomach. I'd get this feeling of dread just being in the neighbourhood. That is so wise, I never thought about going through phases then again, I am going through it myself.

Thank you for commenting and helping out.

TBH, I could never do this by myself or with someone actively undermining me (mum) but I'm grateful for MN right now to be able to talk (chat) to decent people who have been there, so I don't feel so alone anymore x

@Swivellingbrat

Any tips you care to share?

@TheHouseonHauntedHill

The therapist basically talked about trying to avoid situations that trigger her and trying to change routine or behaviour or move physically into a another room or space and avoid them. Around dinner, tv, being in certain rooms. Not to enable behaviour such as drinking alcohol.

Avoid discussion of certain subjects and changing the subject if brought up.

Involving my family (husband and DDs) and agreeing a strategy before the visit. Always having an escape route. In our case a car and an hotel booked nearby - I won’t stay with her again.

I also confronted my mother on her behaviour which shut her up, albeit temporarily.

The therapist said I was still behaving like a dependent child towards my mother and to behave like an adult who wouldn’t take that shit.

Actually the most helpful thing was just accepting she is a fucking evil bitch because of mental illness or whatever and will never change. Rather than being upset because she doesn’t love me or believe in me.

My sister after years of defending her, visited for the first time in 3 years (lives overseas). She was subject to the same treatment and the scales have finally fallen from her eyes. She has basically accepted our mum is mentally ill and while it was going on for years, it now has eroded any kindness or empathy that remained.

Please go no contact for your own health. I have a passive aggressive narcisstic father and he never changed. My mother was the submissive enabler who sometimes put my feelings first but usually no, my father was 'god'. He isn't and it was only when I met my husband and his father that I realised my father wasn't good at all. I wish I'd gone low or no contact 20 years ago, now I'm very low contact due to my mother having a terminal illness and my father still acts like an overgrown child shouting at me when he gets frustrated. I only keep minimal contact so I don't feel guilty when my mother dies. After that it will be zero contact with the father.

@Moominfanjo Thank you for helping out. You are so right, if we are to be kind to ourselves, if we are to be kind to other people. If we are with them and they drain us and our health, then nobody wins in that situation. I hope you are doing well these days with minimal contact💐