Debate over children in public places

[mavismorpoth]

Friend said when you take public transport you have to expect you will hear things like screeching children, see mess, and shouting etc.

I said you have a duty as a parent to ensure your children learn how to act in public and not make mess or screech or shout where it's controllable.

We disagreed.

IABU - if you take public transport you put up and shut up because children and families can be loud and messy

IANBU - as a parent it's a duty to keep our children under a semblance of control in public and not make excessive noise or mess

YABU. Both sides are too rigid.

Exactly- you only win if you have perfectly behaved children, which, this may come as a shock to the OP, is near on fully down to LUCK, not parenting.

‘My friend is by no means chavvy but when it comes to children she thinks they can do what they like really’

Well, don’t you sound delightful.

@Theroad And also I don't know why you're so 'concerned' about the existence of neurotypicals? We're not diseased.

I can’t vote because I think both you and your friend are partly right.

Parents should be teaching their children to behave appropriately in public… but they’re not robots and most children will occasionally get overwhelmed/overexcited/overtired and cause a disturbance. It’s normal and I hate the people who tut loudly when they see a toddler tantrum. Children are part of society and have to have the opportunities to learn.

@Theroad Sorry I meant *neurodiverse (excuse my dyslexia)

Kids misbehave sometimes, what fucks me off is parents smiling indulgently as though the shitty behaviour is cute.

I didn't know it before I had a baby that babies knew more than I thought they did and so do children.

If they're old enough to understand that they shouldn't make a noise on public places, most of them will act reasonably and most of them do. Whether you agree or not, I personally don't have much experience that I felt annoyed by children's noise.

It's not that parents fail to discipline their child to hear a noise or it's not children's fault either. It's because the babies or toddlers are too young to undestand, they make a noise and it's uncontrollable.

Best will in the world OP you have one child

I have 3 including twins. Things unfortunately do get chaotic and messy despite my best efforts - I'm a single parent now so unless I want to keep them locked away at home I do need to venture into public with them occasionally

Totally agree. We should not all have to 'put up with' other peoples' poor parenting and the children's bad behaviour. There is a difference between a baby crying because it is hungry/wet/unwell (totally normal) and an older child throwing crisps on the floor and racing up and down a train aisle screaming while their feckless parents sit on their phones.

Sometimes things can’t be helped, OP. A child might be loud one day but quiet the next. My DD cried and shouted loudly on the bus the other day because she was fed up after being stood in the heavy rain for ages. The following day she was her happy little self again and just sat quietly next to me. It depends on how tolerant you are whether you let children around you bother you or not and to be honest it’s your problem. Do you think I enjoyed it when she was crying? What do you suggest I should have done on top of cuddling her and trying to talk to her/distract her?

What going on there? More understanding perhaps. The dc already diagnosed would always have been, you'd probably not have seen them though as they wouldn't have been in a mainstream school. Some of the others, in the past, might have just been labelled naughty, disruptive, strange. We know better now. There might also be some socioeconomic factors too - I doubt you have those numbers at the posh private school up the road.

Yeah exactly this.

Does she stay quiet when you ask? What do you do if and when she doesn't?

I think it's both too.

Botton line: we have to exist in the same spaces as children. Sometimes children are loud and won’t do as they’re told. Adults who are not the parents can just bloody well get over it!

So what do you do if your toddler is having a tantrum on the bus? Do you have to get off and walk home as punishment because you couldn’t ‘control your child’.

Yes if the driver is being disturbed

I’d expect a bus driver is used to loud people and noises, and probably isn’t a very good bus driver if a tantrum has him verging in to being ‘dangerous’ and smashing into other vehicles.

I think it's both.

This.

It’s about picking your battles too.

Some noise can't be helped ,a baby crying for a feed ,toddler upset etc obviously parents should try and control their children's behaviour to an extent ,to be that poster my son has severe autism and learning disabilities, we rarely take public transport,however one of his behaviours is shrieking ,he can't help this I think he must gey sensory feedback from it ,he will do it loudly and randomly wherever we are ,he doesn't have to cognitive ability to understand that it annoys others.

It's both.

I live in Japan and the rule is silence on public transport, inluding the kids. And they do it. It's really nice and peaceful. I'm sure some toddler must have a meltdown sometimes though. Children will be children no matter how great a parent.

It really isn’t as black and white as your voting options. Some children have difficulties, toddlers have no reasoning skills and babies have a natural instinct to cry.

parents and children get enough slack as it is in our society, all because children act like children. Don’t add to it.

@katmeouws Yes if the driver is being disturbed

I cannot imagine a toddler tantrum making it dangerous for a driver to drive a bus.
Most people aren’t SAHPs with only one child and no responsibilities, they might be on their way to work, on their way to pick up a sibling from school, on their way to an appointment and can’t just get off transport because their toddler is whinging because they are tired, or don’t want their shoes on or wants a biscuit or can’t pet the dog at the bus stop.

It’s really not very often I see a child kicking off and their parent sat on a phone ignoring it. Most people try their best to make sure their kids aren’t being little shits but ultimately their behaviour isn’t as predictable as an adults.