To insist my DP is harsher with her ex

[TiredManDad]

A long time lurker and reader wanting a bit of advice and a heads up to see if the flavour on here is that I'm being unreasonable.

Quick back story, been with my DP for 3 years and we have a wonderful relationship. We both have kids from previous relationships. We have one of her children full time and the other one 10 days out of 14.

Dp ex partner was very controlling and is older. Since we have got together he has had nails put in our tyres. Threatened us etc etc. Seems to have calmed down a but he only pays 50 per month maintenence as he gets paid a lot cash in hand. Even then he hardly ever pays it on time and we often get the kids dropped off with us without any notice at all on his days.

He is now 17 days late with his measly maintenance. Also yesterday he said he couldn't have his DD ruining our plans because he is ill, yet has been seen out with his GF.

I want my DP to challenge him, tell him we will go through the courts and also to say he's a nasty pathetic excuse for a human being. We are not nasty about him in front of his kids even though he always is about us and his kids find it funny.

I love my DP dearly and I understand she was mentally abused by him so doesn't want to or feel she can stand up to him, but today she has basically had a massive go at me because I have told her she needs to not put up with it and call him out for his behaviour, saying its not worth it and not up to me. I've said I will do it myself but she angrily told me not to, and then to underline matters she has been as nice as pie to him on the phone when he's said he will get his child tomorrow after school now he's feeling better. Arrrgh. Just needed to vent but also ask, AIBU to ask her to challenge and call out his behaviour?

What exactly do you think calling him out will achieve? Because I suspect your DP is aware of exactly the kind of reaction it might cause and that is why she is approaching it the way she is.

Of course you are right to be upset and angry about what he is doing but if he is the type of man you say I am not sure it will work and I think you really need to think about what you are asking her to do.

I think you have to look at this pragmatically and think about what you hope to achieve. I don’t think you or your dp will be able to turn this ex miraculously into a decent person by “calling him out” or having a go at him. Unfair as it seems.

Your dp is probably doing the best thing by her kids by not causing extra tension, and just making sure they know they’re loved at home.

She can go through CMS for maintenance to hopefully solve that, but what do you hope to accomplish with the rest, apart from having you create pressure on her as well as the ex. Court won't force him to see his children.

You are bullying her and you have no right whatsoever to tell her how to manage her relationship with her abusive ex. If you don't like it, you know where the door is. As for you confronting him, only an idiot would do that. You'd only make her life 100x harder. Wind your neck in, FFS.

You can’t force him to have his children. No
court order does this. It can force you to make the children available to him. But if he doesn’t bother, he’s allowed to do so.

There is nothing your partner can do to
force her ex to be a better person and a better father. Nothing.

it sounds like you are putting loads of pressure on her and making it much harder for her. She can’t force him to do anything. You know he abused her. Yet you want her to fight against him. Even though it’s entirely futile. She probably feels attacked from both sides.

You say you love her. And you know he’s the problem. So try to support her as he lets her and her children down over and over. Lower your expectations - in fact, work on the assumption he will let her down every time. Help her to make contingency plans to mitigate the effects of this. Work together to reduce the power he has to affect your lives.

He is shit. You can’t change that. You can learn to accept that and plan accordingly.

My exP used to get really fed up with how I dealt with my DD's dad because he thought I should be tough with him, lay down the law and tell him what a waste of space he is.

I didn't do that, because it was totally pointless. I had no expectations left because he always let us both down and getting wound up and having a row only ever hurt me - and improved nothing.

I get that it's frustrating, but you have to try and control your own frustration. It is maddening and you will want to scream about it often. It doesn't help, though. All you can do is support your DP and try not to pile your frustration onto her on top of his uselessness. It just adds more pressure.

This said what I said, but better

X-post

Pressure from you to do as you order her on threat of you doing it yourself (in other words, a threat) is the last thing she needs in her life.

Also everything that @SudocremOnEverything said

If someone is under a lot of pressure, the last thing they need is someone pushed them back the other way.

You have only been in your DP's life for 3 years; she has known her ex for one heck of a lot longer than that, thus I suspect she is the expert by experience in how to handle her wanker of an ex.
You are perfectly entitled to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, but you're being pretty darn unreasonable by having a go at her and trying to force your hand.
You sound a tad bullying/domineering around this issue, which behaviour she was probably subjected to by her unpleasant sounding ex.
Perhaps back the fuck off and let her manage this difficult sounding man in the way she sees fit.

It’s not worth it and IT’S NOT UP TO YOU!!
Listen to your DP and be nice to her. She doesn’t need you on at her all the time as well as him!
Is that clear enough?

There is literally no point in "calling him out" because you can't change a man like that and she knows it too. Please don't make her life harder. Allow her to feel safe and in control and know she has younto moan and groan with her knowing you won't go in guns blazing and making her life 10x harder. There's so many things I could call my ex out on but I just don't bother because it gets me nowhere and it's exhausting. I just carry on and hope my little gu

This sort of pressure is awful to live with.

I was in your DP's position and every time DD's useless Dad messed up plans or didn't pay what he should, I knew I would get it in the neck from my current DP for not handling it the way he wanted me too.

It added insult to injury. It made it all so much more stressful having to deal with one person being unreliable and the other blaming me for it.

It was a major reason we split in the end. He was resentful. I was sick of dealing with his feelings about it all.

Now, I deal with DD's dad by shrugging it off and moving on without getting the sinking feeling of knowing I was in for a bollocking on top of being dicked about. It's much calmer.

This isn't your battle to fight.

What @SudocremOnEverything said.

You are BU to insist your partner does anything.

In my experience the useless twats when called out just go off in a strop further damaging the experience of the child.

It's shit, he's shit. All you can do is be there for the children because ultimately- your home is the one good thing they've got. All of these rejections will be eating away at the kids like a death of a thousand cuts to their confidence

My solution was to book childcare for any important plans and to never react to him, only to how my children felt.

OP
Just STOP!
Everyone has their battleground where they grapple with their sense of self worth. For some people it’s food, others it’s career. Although it may seem that she is appeasing him, she is ultimately doing what she feels is best for her children. This is not for you to decide.

Does she pick apart your weaknesses, and get exasperated because you are not doing what she feels is right? I suspect not.

Do you know the message you are sending to her when you tell her how she ought to run her life? You are telling her that you think she is weak, that she isn’t worthy of your respect, and that you know best.

She has survived abuse. People who end up in abusive situations often end up that way because they didn’t get the love and care needed when they were young to develop a strong sense of self worth. And yet she survived, is a functioning adult who puts her kids first.

So, OP the way I see it, this can pan out one of two ways. You could be a supportive partner, who treats her like an adult who is capable of making the decisions she needs to make for her children, OR carry on. One day she’ll develop the ‘ backbone’ you want her to have, and is likely to get rid of all the men in her life who treat her poorly. You included

Imagine the scenario if you wade in and “do it yourself”. You go round and tell him what a nasty piece of work he is and how he should be more reliable and pay more for his kids.
How is he likely to react? Welcome you warmly and say “oh yes I’m sorry I now see the error of my ways, I didn’t understand until you told me”?
More likely it would be at least a shouting match which would upset everyone and possibly make things worse- as why should he be told what to do by you?

Accept that’s how he is and he’s not going to change. Expect as little from him as possible (which is probably your DP’s attitude) then you can’t be disappointed.

She's gone from one bully to another...

I came to comment almost the exact same as this AND @SudocremOnEverything commented perfectly.

@TiredManDad this post was triggering to me as I was your DP in this situation.

My ex boyfriend had a massive go at me multiple times about my DD's dad. It was one of the main reasons we split up.

I would go as far as to say YOU are exhibiting controlling behaviour as you are frustrated at being unable to CONTROL her ex through your DP.

So she gets a shit time because of her ex (which she is resigned to) then a shit time off you because she 'Allowed' him to be a shit!

There is NO way to control or force an ex not to be a twat. The ONLY leverage a woman has in this situation is 1. The courts (which will work for money but probably not if he plays the system) 2. Using the child as a pawn (something I and other decent people refuse to do)

Calling them out does nothing, you can set your own boundaries on communication and timekeeping etc but that's it

BE HER PARTNER AND SUPPORT HER!
Or you might be the next ex

Yup.

YABU
Your DP knows her ex better than you do. He’s put nails in your tyres, that’s someone who is willing to go all violent and dangerous if challenged. She is being accommodating with him to manage him. £50/mo sometimes late, while measly is better than nothing. It’s also better than him turning up and smashing your car to bits. Or god forbid harming your partner or their children.

You need to support her and take the threat he poses to her and their DC more seriously.

I was in your dp's position 3.5 years ago. My ex put me through hell. My dp, who I'd only been with for 6 months, was subjected to all sorts of shit from a man who'd long abandoned me, but who was affronted that I'd moved on. Not once did my lovely dp ever pressure me to act in the way that HE thought I should act, because he was very very aware that it would not be him having to manage the emotional and mental load.

Sometimes you have to walk away from things. Sometimes, you know that this isn't a book or a film with a hero's ending, where the bad guy gets what's coming to him, and the good guys get the happy ending.

Sometimes you just have to manage things as best you can, day by day, whilst preserving what sanity you have left to make sure you have enough left for you and the kids to survive.

Your intentions are admirable but this is not your call, so please don't make it harder for her by creating ANOTHER battle she has to deal with,

To be clear I'm not bullying or putting her under pressure, I just think she needs to go through the courts to try and get the maintenance she deserves.

I haven't kicked off, I have said the above and when she said she doesn't want to go down that route or have me confront his behaviour I haven't.

And we always back down to his still controlling nature and just provide a loving home for the kids. However it just seems incredibly unfair as he just continually gets away with not only being a shit, but actively being nasty about us while getting away with his own behaviour.

I love my DP dearly and we always talk about everything. I think I get the flavour from this thread and you're right, next time he is terrible U'll just go for a run, get the endorphins going then cook us a nice tea and just be happy she doesn't have to actively deal with him in her life always anymore.

"I have told her she needs to not put up with it and call him out for his behaviour", sounds like putting her under pressure to me!