To insist my DP is harsher with her ex

[TiredManDad]

A long time lurker and reader wanting a bit of advice and a heads up to see if the flavour on here is that I'm being unreasonable.

Quick back story, been with my DP for 3 years and we have a wonderful relationship. We both have kids from previous relationships. We have one of her children full time and the other one 10 days out of 14.

Dp ex partner was very controlling and is older. Since we have got together he has had nails put in our tyres. Threatened us etc etc. Seems to have calmed down a but he only pays 50 per month maintenence as he gets paid a lot cash in hand. Even then he hardly ever pays it on time and we often get the kids dropped off with us without any notice at all on his days.

He is now 17 days late with his measly maintenance. Also yesterday he said he couldn't have his DD ruining our plans because he is ill, yet has been seen out with his GF.

I want my DP to challenge him, tell him we will go through the courts and also to say he's a nasty pathetic excuse for a human being. We are not nasty about him in front of his kids even though he always is about us and his kids find it funny.

I love my DP dearly and I understand she was mentally abused by him so doesn't want to or feel she can stand up to him, but today she has basically had a massive go at me because I have told her she needs to not put up with it and call him out for his behaviour, saying its not worth it and not up to me. I've said I will do it myself but she angrily told me not to, and then to underline matters she has been as nice as pie to him on the phone when he's said he will get his child tomorrow after school now he's feeling better. Arrrgh. Just needed to vent but also ask, AIBU to ask her to challenge and call out his behaviour?

To be clear I'm not bullying or putting her under pressure, I just think she needs to go through the courts to try and get the maintenance she deserves.

Courts don't deal with child maintenance though. I wasn't allowed to even mention the fact exp refused to pay a penny while boasting about his high earnings and claiming he caged so much for his dc. CMS don't look in to anything. They say they do this and that but in reality they do nothing about the ones that don't give in to their empty threats.

It is incredibly unfair of course but like others have said a court can't force this guy to take the children more or not let them down or be a better dad. I totally get why your partner doesn't want to go through the courts either. If he's getting a lot of his cash off the books, unless you can actually prove that, taking him to court probably isn't worth the stress for her

I do feel for you. It's horribly frustrating and he is an absolute arsehole.

If it helps at all, I'm my experience, children usually work out the truth for themselves eventually. They will recognise that you were a solid and supportive influence and that their Dad is an abusive, unreliable waste of space. He can't hide his nature from them. That will be his karma ultimately.

In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing and vent your stress away from anyone else. It's the best way to manage it. Even ranting to your DP about him will feel like pressure.

I agree with grey rock, no reaction, don't expect anything from him. Concentrate on your family and try not to let him affect your relationship - even for a second. He's not worth it.

Thank you and absolutely. This thread has invariably done me good. I feel much better and I know my DP will too.

I understand your frustration at the situation, I commented earlier in the thread that I had been your DP in a similar situation

Your post all seem fair since your initial hot head (understandable) but I want to speak out against the patriarchy that WE ALL SAID it's a shite system. There have been complaints about CMS for years!

Your post makes me see it fresh through the eyes of a man who thinks 'But he shouldn't be allowed to' because you as a man think it should be just and fair. Yet as females in this situation we are downtrodden to the point of zen like clarity, it can only affect us when we let it affect us. It is a shite system that won't be changed because it's too hard to change and most men only complain when they are in your situation as a poor step-parent who doesn't want another man spoiling your evening, not paying properly and (possibly) laughing about it behind your back.

This rant isn't aimed at you personally but females complain about this ALL the time officially and unofficially with massive emotional and financial suffering but you have just realised it's shit because your night was ruined.

Join the millions of us already suffering and maybe one person one day will change the shit system 🙄

I would reitreate this. I've been through this shit with my ex and as much as it pissed us off my DH always supported me, its bloody hard but you need to support each other and make sure that the kids come first,

Apologies OP I've just read all of your other posts and should had read the whole thread. I can see you have your DP back and are totally frustrsted. DH and I have been through this albeit without any CMS payments. Wishing you the best, just remember you and DP are the better people

Agreed.

Although I would say the system and how maintenance works has frustrated me for the last three years not just for this one night - however thr point still stands that only when I was on the receiving end of the unfairness in this relationship did I see how messed up the system is.

As an aside I pay about 100 per month over what my CMS payment should be, because while I have my kids every weekend, I can work full time while my ex cant do so in order to look after my kids Monday through Friday. I pay as much as I possibly can afford not because 'its the right thing to do' but because I want to in order to support my children.

I guess thats why it hurts more to see him not paying anything but not even using his money for the kids. But that aside I've not even considered the system to be unfair prior to it being so to me, and I seem to think of myself as pretty much on top of such issues. So yeah, I do get your point and I hope it does change one day. Both the system and the perceptions of such.

Thank you. Its terrible but we both are in a million times better situation than we were before and so are the kids - and we just need to remember that when we get downtrodden. And I'm glad you and your DH have the same support and understanding of each other. It really is invaluable.

I don't think you sound like you are pressuring her, you've made a suggestion and given your opinion, like most partners do from time to time on issues in the relationship. She doesn't want to, so you just have to leave it now. She knows what you think. I think calling you a bully is overkill tbf.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 bravo, very well said.