I need help to identify the root of the issue with my husband each time I go out.
Typically I feel afraid to tell him I have plans and due to his reaction I will leave it to the day that I'm going out to tell him. If I tell him before this I will need to put up with his anxiety and reaction for days leading up to it, which often ends in me deciding not to go as it's not worth the fight.
Now for balance, I am in my mid thirties and in my early to mid twenties I went out quite a lot and was quite guilty of always making it a big night. My friends and I enjoy having a drink now maybe once every 2 months and while I can have a few, I am never "out to get him" nor would I attempt to start an argument (sometimes this is difficult if I go out on bad terms, the temptation is to stay out late to avoid his reaction..)
So at the weekend I went out with my friend for tea timers. We had 3 wines each, I went home at 8.30pm, slightly later than I had said but in no way a ridiculous hour. I was not drunk. My husband flipped, said he would stay elsewhere. I said fine and left the house hoping he would be gone when I returned. He wasn't. I woke up in morning to him calling me a waster.
I do everything for this man. Mortgage is in my name, I am the only driver in relationship and he does not contribute to car costs. I do all the budgeting, food shopping, cooking, laundry, transport. I work full time as well as at weekends. I just can't understand why this man seems to hate me so much, and overlooks everything else I do every single day, just because I go out the odd time.
He has no hobbies and does not socialise with his friends. He decided to stop drinking a couple years ago and now has ill judgement of anyone else who enjoys a drink. He does not seem out and out controlling as he doesn't text while I'm out or ask where I've been/who I'm out with, it is the fact that I go out. I just can't understand whether he depends on me for meeting all his needs and this is why it upsets him so much. After 8 years, I still can't even figure out the crux of the issue to participate in an argument/discussion about it.