Husband controlling and nasty when I mention going out

[Amie947]

I need help to identify the root of the issue with my husband each time I go out.

Typically I feel afraid to tell him I have plans and due to his reaction I will leave it to the day that I'm going out to tell him. If I tell him before this I will need to put up with his anxiety and reaction for days leading up to it, which often ends in me deciding not to go as it's not worth the fight.

Now for balance, I am in my mid thirties and in my early to mid twenties I went out quite a lot and was quite guilty of always making it a big night. My friends and I enjoy having a drink now maybe once every 2 months and while I can have a few, I am never "out to get him" nor would I attempt to start an argument (sometimes this is difficult if I go out on bad terms, the temptation is to stay out late to avoid his reaction..)

So at the weekend I went out with my friend for tea timers. We had 3 wines each, I went home at 8.30pm, slightly later than I had said but in no way a ridiculous hour. I was not drunk. My husband flipped, said he would stay elsewhere. I said fine and left the house hoping he would be gone when I returned. He wasn't. I woke up in morning to him calling me a waster.

I do everything for this man. Mortgage is in my name, I am the only driver in relationship and he does not contribute to car costs. I do all the budgeting, food shopping, cooking, laundry, transport. I work full time as well as at weekends. I just can't understand why this man seems to hate me so much, and overlooks everything else I do every single day, just because I go out the odd time.

He has no hobbies and does not socialise with his friends. He decided to stop drinking a couple years ago and now has ill judgement of anyone else who enjoys a drink. He does not seem out and out controlling as he doesn't text while I'm out or ask where I've been/who I'm out with, it is the fact that I go out. I just can't understand whether he depends on me for meeting all his needs and this is why it upsets him so much. After 8 years, I still can't even figure out the crux of the issue to participate in an argument/discussion about it.

There is nothing to identify, he is just your run of the mill controlling, abusive bastard. Do you have DC together? I hope he works and isn't a complete cocklodger. It's good the house is in your name. Do you ever think how much better your life would be without him in it.

Mumsnet, I promise I’m not troll hunting.

But day after day I read posts similar to this where, in a nutshell, a man is treating his partner in the most abysmal way. Like 11/10 on the despicable scale. And it’s hard to believe that the original poster is genuinely, genuinely not sure if they are being unreasonable, to the point where they have to post and ask.

Why are you trying to understand why he hates you? Why does it matter? The point is, he does. I would cry in despair if you were my daughter. This is not a normal relationship. This is so far from normal that if you turned and looked behind you, you couldn’t even see normal. Metaphorically speaking.

For whatever reason he has no hobbies or friends. Well, that’s his get out. The root issue? He wants you to be his wallet, entertainment, mother and security blanket for the rest of his days (and yours), even though he hates you. Or certainly doesn’t love you. Rest assured, that if you leave, he will replace you as soon as he possibly can with some other poor unsuspecting mug. What do you want? What do you really want from life. Pretend you only have one (life).

You have a kid not a husband. This is not a marriage.

Why are you wasting your life?????????

And why say you were guilty of big nights out? You were having fun who cares?

He hates himself but takes it out on you. He’s a lower achiever and your capabilities highlight that. He punched above his weight and hasn’t risen to the challenge. There is nothing wrong in itself if a woman is more capable but the problems arise if the man resents it. You deserve better than this.

Please give this waste of space a week maximum to find alternative accommodation. Do you have any DC?

I second everything W0tnow has said.

Just get out. You have one life, for fucks sake stop wasting it on this utter prick. Bin him OFF.

The crux of the issue is your piss poor self esteem for staying with this wanker

So he acts like he hates you, contributes nothing, treats you like his personal slave and tries to sabotage your social life.

The only thing you need to identify is how to kick him the fuck out.

I'm sad you married him because he is not a good person and he doesn't love you. He is abusing you and controlling you. Regardless of the root cause this is never ok.

Be brave. Kick him out. File for divorce. Be 100% happier.

@W0tnow has said everything I was thinking in my 60 yrs old head.
Life is so short please don't waste it being unhappy and please don't have children with this awful man.
You pay the mortgage just kick him out.

He doesn't like you going out because he fears you will meet a better man than him. Given how low he's set the bar this wouldn't be difficult.

What’s tying you up Op? Do you have kids?

Tell him straight "I'm the one who'se paying for everything, I'll fucking well go out when I want thanks".

It sounds like he resents you for not being a boring loser like him. What exactly does he bring to the party?

This

You don't mention children...so get your shit together and end the relationship.

No matter what he used to be like, he's now a freeloading bully. Get shot and live a life that makes you happier - it's too sodding short to spend it with someone like this.

New to this, dunno how to get rid of it now

Why have you responded to your own thread Op 🤔

I don't know why I stay, I suppose I just blame myself and have been ground down with criticism for so long. I don't know why he stays if he's so unhappy!

Who was this is response to? 🤔

He sounds depessed and controlling. Get rid of the cocklodger and it'll be a huge weight off your mind.

Sorry, this was in response to Fynix.

👀