Husband controlling and nasty when I mention going out

[Amie947]

I need help to identify the root of the issue with my husband each time I go out.

Typically I feel afraid to tell him I have plans and due to his reaction I will leave it to the day that I'm going out to tell him. If I tell him before this I will need to put up with his anxiety and reaction for days leading up to it, which often ends in me deciding not to go as it's not worth the fight.

Now for balance, I am in my mid thirties and in my early to mid twenties I went out quite a lot and was quite guilty of always making it a big night. My friends and I enjoy having a drink now maybe once every 2 months and while I can have a few, I am never "out to get him" nor would I attempt to start an argument (sometimes this is difficult if I go out on bad terms, the temptation is to stay out late to avoid his reaction..)

So at the weekend I went out with my friend for tea timers. We had 3 wines each, I went home at 8.30pm, slightly later than I had said but in no way a ridiculous hour. I was not drunk. My husband flipped, said he would stay elsewhere. I said fine and left the house hoping he would be gone when I returned. He wasn't. I woke up in morning to him calling me a waster.

I do everything for this man. Mortgage is in my name, I am the only driver in relationship and he does not contribute to car costs. I do all the budgeting, food shopping, cooking, laundry, transport. I work full time as well as at weekends. I just can't understand why this man seems to hate me so much, and overlooks everything else I do every single day, just because I go out the odd time.

He has no hobbies and does not socialise with his friends. He decided to stop drinking a couple years ago and now has ill judgement of anyone else who enjoys a drink. He does not seem out and out controlling as he doesn't text while I'm out or ask where I've been/who I'm out with, it is the fact that I go out. I just can't understand whether he depends on me for meeting all his needs and this is why it upsets him so much. After 8 years, I still can't even figure out the crux of the issue to participate in an argument/discussion about it.

Sorry this was in response to @Fynix

What an idiot. Get rid of him!

I think she was replying to a poster on the first page on the same boat.

You have no children with him? I would finish it today.

Why did you marry him?

Yup. Why are you putting up with this??

Hello OP,
We have withdrawn one of your posts as it was causing some confusion. We think you meant to respond to Fynix as you stated later. It looked like you were responding to your own thread so we thought it best to withdraw that to avoid further confusion.
MNHQ

Op.
You've given us a whole list of reasons why you should leave him. Any one of them would do.
So, can you tell us why you are still with him?
Because as it stands, it doesn't make any sense.

Yeah we have a child, and I have much older one from a previous relationship and to be honest the struggles I had raising him alone makes staying easier.
I'm just too tired to start all over again.
But haha the same too you my advice is to leave even though I don't myself

@arethereanyleftatall Ugh I suppose I just want to rule out everything I can before leaving the marriage. It's ridiculous all my friends and family say the same, that I should leave.

Well, as it currently stand, you're wasting your life.
And, if anyone should be trying to get to the bottom of this, it's him, not you. He needs to be wanting to get help, not you.

He knows that the more you go out, the higher the chance of you coming to your senses and leaving the prick.

You do not sound compatible in particular due to your inability to communicate your needs to one another.

I would not stay in this relationship. It will hurt you. Get out now.

@Herejustforthisone I did have a flick back to see if there was anyone she was replying to and must have missed that post

He has an unsatisfactory life and is taking it out on you. If you love him get counselling if not, it's time to sever relations.

You should not be anxious about seeing your friends. He is your partner not your controller.

Everyone you love and who loves you is telling you to leave this horrible man. Why don't you trust thier advice? You marriage is a toxic disaster, and I feel sick at the thought of you bringing a child into this. Please don't. Please get rid of him. You don't need him for anything.

I haven't brought a child into it because I don't want any child seeing a parent being treated this way. He also has "OCD" (undiagnosed of course) and he just wouldn't cope with a child leaving any toys out etc., esp as he feels his life is soooo hard already.
He now wants to rent a house for us, while I continue to pay my mortgage on this flat. This might be the push I need to get out because I own all the contents he intends on taking. One complaint about me going out, and I already know he will turn around and say I can't live in the rented house!

Many men are just abusive and controlling for no reason. In this case, I'd say he's controlling because he's terrified you'll go out and meet a new man or a woman will convince you that he's a total cocklodger.... which he is.

Nothing else to say really, the first response said it all.

My question is, what does he actually bring to the table and how long will you put up with this?

Don’t waste your life with this awful man OP.

You're young, have a job, friends and a home. You don’t need him - he’s clearly aware of that which is why he’s trying to control you.

Get to a solicitor sharpish!

He's abusive & that is the crux of the problem.

OP I am going to tell you what happened between myself and my DH when I went out with friends last weekend.

He made the 3 kids their dinner while I got ready, he drove me to the pub and offered to collect a friend on the way, he told me I looked lovely and to have a great night. He told me to text him at any hour to come and collect me. He got out of bed at near midnight to collect me, asked me about my night and said he was glad I enjoyed it. He made me a cup of coffee the next morning as we had an early start and bought me a bag of chips in the afternoon as I needed something salty and lit the fire for me to sit down an relax.

Can you ever see him doing something like that for you?

You deserve better, please dont waste your life with someone who doesnt appreciate you and makes you feel bad.

Men should not be projects. You don't need to pick some useless unpleasant man and stay with him to work on your marriage. He will not suddenly turn into somebody better. I mean if a miracle was going to happen it would have happened some time in the past eight years. A partner should improve the quality of your life, not turn it into some something resembling medieval serfdom.

You should get legal advice immediately. I presume you didn't protect your interest in the flat. I am not a UK solicitor but I think the fact that only you are on the mortgage doesn't affect whether he can claim half. That just means that you alone are responsible for the mortgage.

Certainly don't breed with him - you should be looking for better DNA, much better DNA. Imagine a child just like him! If that thought doesn't spur you to leave, I can't think what would.

But you ARE Fynix 🤔

This.

What does he add to your life?

No children and financially independent? FFS what are you waiting for?

I don’t get out much but when I do my husband makes me a fry up the next day and leaves a pint of water by my bed.