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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have pulled DH up on this?

54 replies

AnimalFarm1983 · 17/10/2022 07:12

We dont argue very often so when we do it tends to be a big deal. The last two big ones we've had have been over the same thing...how he speaks to the children (10 and 11 to boys)

He was essentially abused by his Dad who is now dead. I can hear his Dad talking when he barks at the kids and I suppose I dont want them thinking about him the way he did about his dad.

He tends to bark orders or shout things out when its unnecessary and I feel he could be gentler. He says I do the same but I dont feel i do. This is corroborated by the children who even say themselves he speaks harshly and 'you could say it nicely'

We had a bust up about this on holiday over him making DS1 cry by calling him an idiot.

Now yesterday when DS2 asked if he had time to bounce on the trampoline before we went out. DHs response was to shout 'NO!!! WERE ABOUT TO GO OUT!'

I picked him up on this and he got annoyed saying I do it too...I got cross and said I obviously wasn't allowed to bring this up, ever.

He them wouldnt speak to me or the kids for the rest of the day. I tried talking to him in the car on the way out but got monosyllabic answers so gave up. He acted like a sulky teenager on our trip out lagging behind us so I eventually just pretended he wasnt there and tried to have a nice day with the children.

He slept all the way home then went to bed when he got back. I cooked him dinner which he did not eat.

I feel I tried to get past the argument by talking to him as normal afterwards but he wouldn't. So we are not really on speaking terms. I ignored him last night as he did me.He is never the one to apologise or talk first, its always me and I dont feel I've done anything wrong. Have I? AIBU?

OP posts:

belimoo · 17/10/2022 08:36

His behaviour sounds terrible. It's not just your DSs he's treating badly/abusively but you too. Copying the way his dad treated his mum maybe?

The sulking and silent treatment is intolerable and I would be telling him that firmly. I don't know what the answer is but YANBU.

billy1966 · 17/10/2022 08:56

So he is a shouty bully, who speaks harshly to his children, shuts you down with gaslighting and then sulks with the silent treatment?

Sounds like he is the spitting image of his father and is well on his way to be remembered as thus.

You children are not in a good environment and I suggest you contact Women's aid for a chat.

What is your situation housing and work wise?

Because I would be seriously looking at my options and tell him this is the case.

Maybe if he is asked to move out and give you some space, the reality of the situation will drop.

This is not a good husband or father and I suspect you have being putting up with a lot.

What about when your children are bigfer and push back at how they are treated?

Will he give them a shove?

You and your children deserve better.

He is his fathers son, a bully.

Marblessolveeverything · 17/10/2022 09:01

He is being emotionally abusive along with the shouting. I had this issue with my ex. What did help was recording him and playing it back at a therapy session. This was on the basis I knew he would never lift a finger to me.

Shouting isn't great anyway but when I dug into it more I realized it was the snarling tone that was really the issue

Fromthedarkside · 17/10/2022 09:03

@billy1966 So he is a shouty bully, who speaks harshly to his children, shuts you down with gaslighting and then sulks with the silent treatment?
Sounds like he is the spitting image of his father and is well on his way to be remembered as thus.
You children are not in a good environment and I suggest you contact Women's aid for a chat.

This

Dogscanteatonions · 17/10/2022 09:05

I had the EXACT same problem with my ex. He would sometimes behave exactly how he used to tell me his dad who he had no contact with behaved with him. He was also hyper critical of people - and that was the trait he hated the most in his father. Nothing was ever good enough.

When he started behaving like this with my children I ended things as I could not have my children growing up exposed to this. When he behaved like this I would try and talk to him about how this is exactly what's his father used to do to him and how much he hated it but we never got anywhere. He couldn't seem to change his behaviour.

cushioncovers · 17/10/2022 09:05

You are not being unreasonable op your Dh is. His behaviour is not acceptable and your children will be affected by this. What you do about it in the longer term is up to you but I doubt your Dh will change.

Afterfire · 17/10/2022 09:06

He’s abusive and a bully. And unless you leave your dc will grow up thinking this behaviour is okay because by not saying anything you are endorsing it.

Beginningless · 17/10/2022 09:07

I think (if you get the chance to talk about it properly) it would help to start with lots of compassion about his childhood experiences and how hard it is when you see yourself being like your parents but struggling to stop it. I think everyone has had that experience to an extent. And also compassion about how kids behaviour can push our buttons etc. Talk when things are calm and try to get his defences down, maybe speak about all the ways he is a good parent. Explain how it feels to be around this behaviour and discuss, conclude with kind and clear requests - no calling kids derogatory names, always apologising to them and you if he has shouted or been mean, and no silent treatment. Acknowledge it takes time to change patterns you have learned since birth and he will make mistakes but you need him on board with the need for a change - if he can see this then you can support him to work on it. Could he tolerate anything like this do you think? If not you have a bit of a problem.

pictish · 17/10/2022 09:16

Can only echo everyone else. I know far too much of this myself. It’s a form of control whereby he can indulge his anger whenever he pleases and you may not question it. It really is that simple. No one is more is more offended and angry than a bully being accused of something he definitely did.

The silence and refusal to eat dinner is to both punish you and place himself as the victim of your maltreatment. You will endeavour to return to the previously calm atmosphere and will eventually allow this deeply unpleasant episode to slide, in order to restore the peace. You may even end up apologising to him. What’s more, you’ll be more hesitant about confronting him in the future.
That’s how it goes.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 17/10/2022 09:19

I can't believe you made his dinner!

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 17/10/2022 09:24

One of the hardest things about parenthood IMO is trying to do things differently from our parents. For some reason we tend to slip back into those patterns however hard we try not to. OP, would he be open to reading The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry? It deals with exactly this issue. You may also benefit from couples counselling to help him address this.

Colderthanever · 17/10/2022 09:27

So he’s verbally abusive to his own kids and his defense is so are you. So this makes it ok? You basically argue about who abuses them worse?

then he spent the day trying to ruin it for everyone and also gave the silent treatment, what a fucking prince among men you’ve found there.

you both need to sit down and talk as this is a deeply dysfunctional family unit these kids are being raised in.

Keha · 17/10/2022 09:28

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to pull him up. I also wonder why you made him dinner and if you could/should have said something at your trip/in the car to say how it made you feel for him to sulk. He might not have done anything different but I don't think it helps to be "nice" when someone else is being unpleasant. I went to a relationship counselor by myself to help me work through a bit why I was often passive when my husband was a bit like this.

watcherintherye · 17/10/2022 09:28

would he be open to reading The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry? It deals with exactly this issue.

In my experience, unfortunately, the people most likely to benefit from reading books about parenting and relationships are also those least likely to read them.

cushioncovers · 17/10/2022 10:00

Can I just add that I grew up with a shouty bossy controlling father who enjoyed 'putting me in my place ' frequently and if he had an audience all the better as far as he was concerned. But often what hurt the most was not his outbursts but the fact that my mother never stepped in to protect me from it. She would just sit there and allow it to happen time after time. It wasn't until I was much older and had had counselling that I realised she was being controlled and bullied by him almost as much as us kids although he never berated her to the same degree or as often.

NotLactoseFree · 17/10/2022 10:49

Both DH and I shout at th eDC sometimes. Neither of us are proud of that. But DH can take it too far and is extraordinarily aggressive and unpleasant. He will then usually spend an hour or so stomping around the house insisting that he did nothing wrong. Then he calms down, completely and totally owns that he WAS wrong, apologises to the children and/or me and tries really hard not do it again. And in fact, he does it less and less all the time because he is working on it.

Your DH sounds like an abusive man who is quite happy to continue to treat you and the DC badly and never ever question his behaviour.

nutbrownhare15 · 17/10/2022 11:08

Would he read this? www.ahaparenting.com/read/handling-anger He needs to commit to change. Ask him how he wants the relationship between himself and his children to be because at the moment he's on the pathway towards a terrible one.

forrestgreen · 17/10/2022 11:24

Are you actually happy with him?
I find it hard to believe that you would say yes. But if so, both agree how you both speak to each other and the children. Agree no shouting, no name calling and tell the children what you've agreed.

But tbh I think you'd all feel a lot lighter away from that abuse (it's no normal!)

Original poster

AnimalFarm1983 · 17/10/2022 11:36

Thanks. It's hard to know where to turn. Obviously there's more background and its hard to get that across on a forum.

The trouble is he has a lot of health conditions and is in pain most of the time. This has made him more short tempered than usual...its creeping up and getting worse as the years go on.

Dogscanteatonions is right...he is super critical of everyone. I joke that he doesnt like anybody...even complains about the few friends he has. He moans about everything. I have felt dissatisfied in recent years due to his attitude bit when he is in a good mood things are great and it's the man I fell in love with. I think I have so many excuses for him over the years that I've ended up doing everything. Now I'm fed up and want things to change but I know he wont.

I hate the disharmony in our relationship so I admit I AM close to apologising just to get past this. But perhaps I shouldn't? I just dont know what to do or say when he comes in from work. I am passive much to my chagrin I just dont know how to solve these problems. My mum was completely passive in her and my dad's relationship and they never argued so I have no model to go on...she always gave in to my dad.

We are both stubborn which is a problem...but he just shuts down every time I try to tell him I'm.unhappy with something. Takes it as a personal critique. As a result I either dont bother for a quiet life or make excuses again. As a result, I feel like I'm now living with a teenage boy instead of my husband. I know I have enabled this upto a point but I've had enough now.

Byw I made his dinner as we were all having the same thing....just shoved it on a plate knowing he wouldnt eat it.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 17/10/2022 11:41

Don't apologise. Let him sulk. Stand up for yourself and your children EVERY TIME. Then see if he gets better or worse. Set a mental timescale for how long to try the new approach before telling him you wish to separate.

Obki · 17/10/2022 11:45

He will only get worse, and he is abusive.

Can you really spend another 30 or 40 years like? Watch your dc become like him?

Ludo19 · 17/10/2022 11:53

@Obki This 100%

FreudayNight · 17/10/2022 12:05

Obki · 17/10/2022 11:45

He will only get worse, and he is abusive.

Can you really spend another 30 or 40 years like? Watch your dc become like him?

Unfortunately, it’s this.

forrestgreen · 17/10/2022 12:14

You are allowed to leave because you're unhappy.

Just thought I'd put it out there.

GabriellaMontez · 17/10/2022 12:30

There's a problem. He won't discuss like an adult... where does that leave you?

A lifetime soothing him and managing his moods.

Time to tell him you're not happy. He's turning into his dad. Ask him if he knows his marriage is on the rocks? Start to make plans for your future. Because it sounds very unlikely he's going to change.

Being called names by your Dad is incredibly unhealthy. I wouldn't put up with that.

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