To have pulled DH up on this?

[AnimalFarm1983]

We dont argue very often so when we do it tends to be a big deal. The last two big ones we've had have been over the same thing...how he speaks to the children (10 and 11 to boys)

He was essentially abused by his Dad who is now dead. I can hear his Dad talking when he barks at the kids and I suppose I dont want them thinking about him the way he did about his dad.

He tends to bark orders or shout things out when its unnecessary and I feel he could be gentler. He says I do the same but I dont feel i do. This is corroborated by the children who even say themselves he speaks harshly and 'you could say it nicely'

We had a bust up about this on holiday over him making DS1 cry by calling him an idiot.

Now yesterday when DS2 asked if he had time to bounce on the trampoline before we went out. DHs response was to shout 'NO!!! WERE ABOUT TO GO OUT!'

I picked him up on this and he got annoyed saying I do it too...I got cross and said I obviously wasn't allowed to bring this up, ever.

He them wouldnt speak to me or the kids for the rest of the day. I tried talking to him in the car on the way out but got monosyllabic answers so gave up. He acted like a sulky teenager on our trip out lagging behind us so I eventually just pretended he wasnt there and tried to have a nice day with the children.

He slept all the way home then went to bed when he got back. I cooked him dinner which he did not eat.

I feel I tried to get past the argument by talking to him as normal afterwards but he wouldn't. So we are not really on speaking terms. I ignored him last night as he did me.He is never the one to apologise or talk first, its always me and I dont feel I've done anything wrong. Have I? AIBU?

If the kid had asked multiple times to go on the trampoline, as your dripfeed suggests,and been told 'no' repeatedly ,i don't think shouting ' no, we are going out', is unreasonable at all

Not as an isolated incident, no. But as part of a pattern of disproportionately aggressive behaviour over minor things and towards children, it becomes a different picture. The OP does outline that as being the case in her OP…in fact, she starts by clarifying that it is an ongoing issue for her.
Besides that, the devil is in the detail of what followed after. Two days of poisoning the atmosphere followed by total evasion of responsibility by making OP the aggressor…all over being asked not to shout. This man’s sense of entitlement is glaring.

Being in chronic pain doesn’t give him the right to behave like this - I say that as someone who is in chronic long term pain, on highest rates of pip long term on strong painkillers and caring for a severely disabled child. If he thinks his life is difficult he needs to come and try mine. I do all of this without resorting to calling my child an “idiot” or shouting. It’s called being an adult.

You are still making excuses for him. I am not sure why. I think if you had a teacher or another adult behave this way towards your children you’d be up in arms about it, seeing the behaviour for the bullying and abuse it is but somehow you have the blinkers on.

As other posters have said, read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? It is a revelation and worth far more, in my experience, than any amount of personal therapy or couples counseling could ever be.

It will give you the insight to make up your own mind on what to do next.

Download it to your phone on the kindle app or Apple Books and obviously do not mention it to your H.