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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is "good enough" good enough?

59 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 17/10/2022 03:20

I need to make a decision very soon on whether to commit seriously or end a relationship.

He is kind, solvent, mature and I feel safe and happily get along with him, but am not and have never been passionately in love with him, and the sex isn't great. However, we understand and deal with each other well and are very affectionate and sweet.

The other option is casting it to the wind and starting over.

AIBU to choose "good enough" and make this decision with my head rather than my heart?

I'm 25.

OP posts:
HighlandPony · 17/10/2022 03:25

If I didn’t fancy him and the sex is bad I’d go. Big advocate for shagging in the first date. If it’s shit it’s a no from me.

Speedweed · 17/10/2022 03:29

Start over, asap, no question!

Your twenties is far too young to be making compromise choices like this - if you were 35 and wanted a family = well, maybe (although you'd probably be storing up inflicting a divorce and all that upset on your kids fairly soon after).

But at 25? No way! Chuck him back, be grateful for what he's taught you about what you do want, and get fishing for the right one.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 17/10/2022 03:33

I'm more than a bit scared of losing him and the sense of security he imparts. Especially as an immigrant in a country where I know only a couple of people well.

But I think I have to be brave...

OP posts:
PeppaPigsBonnet · 17/10/2022 04:09

I would agree with others who say you are waaay too young to be thinking of "settling".
I would finish with this guy then take some time out to work out what you want with your life, while building your career.

Good luck

MysteryBelle · 17/10/2022 04:21

You’d be miserable with someone you’re not even that attracted to....you’re only 25. You should be dating and enjoying yourself. Is there another reason why you think you should commit to this particular person besides security? You can always make friends and settle into a nice life for yourself in your new country.

If he’s giving you an ultimatum, say no. Say you you’re not ready for marriage right now and that you’re happy with the relationship as it is for now. Then gradually become more and more independent with your own security.

Rosehugger · 17/10/2022 04:22

The test is can you imagine life without him. With DH (23 years together now, and I was 23 when we met) the sex wasn't as spontaneously amazing as with a previous partner, but there are plenty of people you could have amazing sex with and not want to spend a day with, let alone many years.

I was never "passionately in love" - a lot of the time that's passionately in lust, which wears thin pretty quickly - I'd already experienced plenty of that before the age of 23. I was happy to remain single and in no hurry to "settle" at all, and yet couldn't bear the thought of losing DH. It's the deep friendship and having a laugh together, and just pulling together as a team that endures.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 17/10/2022 04:27

@Rosehugger - this is the kind of opinion that makes me consider "settling" seriously. I imagine in 10 years, affection, care and understanding are more important than passion and sex. However, I can imagine life without him, so if that is the cornerstone, I don't have it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2022 04:29

You need to let him go. Really. There's someone out there who will love him.

Untitledsquatboulder · 17/10/2022 06:11

Stating would not be fair to either if you. You both deserve to be in a relationship with someone you love and who loves you.

ShinyMe · 17/10/2022 07:22

That sounds far from good enough to me.

rattlemehearties · 17/10/2022 07:46

Oh I remember being 25 and so sure I was fully in adulthood and things would be like this for the rest of my life. In fact you have so many years ahead of you, and so many more years to find someone you are passionate about. Take that step away. You will be okay

Didimum · 17/10/2022 07:49

ThePriceOfSugar · 17/10/2022 04:27

@Rosehugger - this is the kind of opinion that makes me consider "settling" seriously. I imagine in 10 years, affection, care and understanding are more important than passion and sex. However, I can imagine life without him, so if that is the cornerstone, I don't have it.

Why do you think you have to choose between affection/understanding and passion/sex? You can find someone who provides all of that for you.

recklessgran · 17/10/2022 07:52

OP I though you were a LOT older when I started reading your post and was ready to say if you feel happy and content then may be consider staying but at 25 no, no way. You both deserve more - to feel truly loved and adored and to have passion and joyfulness in your life.

WarmFunKindStrong · 17/10/2022 08:01

If you were in your 50's or beyond, and perhaps sexual desire/activity was on the wane, I would say he and you are a match made in heaven.

At 25years old: you have plenty of time and opportunity to find someone.

Axolotlquestions · 17/10/2022 08:03

You're 25. You can do better, and you'll respect yourself more if you work towards your own security.

Blaggertyjibbet · 17/10/2022 08:05

Don’t get married unless you can’t live without him. He sounds nice, but nice isn’t enough to sustain a lifelong relationship.

If it’s a choice between passion with someone who is otherwise unkind and selfish vs ‘meh’ with someone who is kind and generous, I think the latter is the safer bet as a spouse and coparent. However, at 25, you should not need to make that choice. You are still young! 100% better to be single wishing you were married than married wishing you were single.

FreudayNight · 17/10/2022 08:13

ThePriceOfSugar · 17/10/2022 03:33

I'm more than a bit scared of losing him and the sense of security he imparts. Especially as an immigrant in a country where I know only a couple of people well.

But I think I have to be brave...

If you are brave enough to emigrate and restart your life in a new country, cutting yourself free from this relationship will be easy- once you get over the “Activation Hump”.

Honestly, at 25 just let this one back in the sea. Give yourself an early Christmas present.

CrampMcBastard · 17/10/2022 08:21

I married my good enough at 25. Divorced at 27.

GasPanic · 17/10/2022 08:36

Funny how people on here are always on about how women should make better choices.

You can swap your kind, affectionate man who would make a good father for a pretty boy chancer who will be ace between the sheets but go off with one of your mates as soon as you get pregnant.

I guess it depends what you want out of life.

I think it's far easier to transform a kind, affectionate but maybe a bit sexually boring guy into someone that has more fun between the sheets than turn an idiot who happens to be a dynamo between the sheets into a good life partner.

Anyway, you are young. maybe spend a year or so trying to jazz things up and then make some decision.

freyamay74 · 17/10/2022 08:39

If you hadn't mentioned your age at the end I would seriously have thought you're in your 50s or 60s to even consider 'settling for good enough!'

At 25 you've got years ahead of you and I think it would be a huge mistake to feel pressure to stick with someone just because they're reliable.

I do agree that partnering someone you really enjoy doing all the day to day stuff with is important. You could have the best shag in the world but the guy could be a dick who you can't have a decent conversation with! So it's not just about wild sex.

Why does the 'solvent ' issue matter so much? Surely your focus should be ensuring you are financially independent - you don't need to rely on a guy for that.

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 17/10/2022 13:22

Never settle. If you feel so little now for this poor guy, imagine how indifferent you will feel when married with kids. I waited til my early 40s to get married and pregnant as I just didn’t meet ‘the one’. He had to be right and he is pretty much perfect. I’d rather be single than be trapped with a guy I feel so apathetic about 🤷🏻‍♀️ my DH makes my heart jump with how deeply I feel about him but I would have been fine had I remained single and not met him. Make a good and fulfilled life for yourself and then think about meeting someone. I mean, you’re so young. What’s with the desperation to be settled down?

Youdoyoutoday · 17/10/2022 13:47

You need to allow him to find his happiness too not just use him as a security blanket.

You're only 25, so young still.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 17/10/2022 14:41

Thanks for the advice and comments. They all seem to be in the same direction. I guess I need to just eat the loneliness that comes with freedom and try to embody a more age-appropriate vibe.

I live in NYC, which sounds like a great place to be a single gal, but there is a hugely disproportionate number of degenerates and scammers in the dating market here and I'm worried about it.

OP posts:
Ticksallboxes · 17/10/2022 15:02

Wow. I thought you were going to say you were a 60 year old divorcee!!

I would definitely end it and start over, for both of your sakes!

MeOldBamboo · 17/10/2022 15:55

End it. You need spectacular and this isn’t it. I should have done that rather than wait 25 years to get divorced. I still hold out hope for spectacular eventually. But you already know what to do.