Is "good enough" good enough?

[ThePriceOfSugar]

I need to make a decision very soon on whether to commit seriously or end a relationship.

He is kind, solvent, mature and I feel safe and happily get along with him, but am not and have never been passionately in love with him, and the sex isn't great. However, we understand and deal with each other well and are very affectionate and sweet.

The other option is casting it to the wind and starting over.

AIBU to choose "good enough" and make this decision with my head rather than my heart?

I'm 25.

Is "spectacular" a realistic goal for a partner though? I am a pragmatist and fully accept that people are imperfect. How much can one really hope for?

Spectacular and imperfect aren't mutually experience but settling in your early 20s seems daft imo.

No one is perfect so it's not about chasing perfection. You do need to feel more than you currently do though. It feels like you've found someone who ticks the boxes you've been conditioned into thinking are the attributes for marriage.

It depends. There is no definitive answer.

'Good enough' is absolutely not good enough for me. I'd rather do without than make do. But ..... I've been single a long time. And probably will be permanently. That works for me but may not for you.

It's difficult. Good luck with whatever you decide 😘

If it’s not a ‘hell yes’ , it’s a no

Don’t get me wrong, spectacular doesn’t mean perfect but he really needs to be your soul mate, make an excellent team, have the same goals, make your heart sing. To complement each other. Compatibility should not be underestimated.

I mean, I don’t think any physical relationship is spectacular in that new relationship style forever. Even the most compatible marriages have dry spells physically. I think the question is less, “Is he spectacular” and more “Is this a person I will still be entirely happy to be with in 30 years, or am I doing this because it is safe?” Will you always wonder what would have happened if you had waited for someone who really ticked all the boxes? What you don’t want is to be is 45 years old, married with children, strictly managing (or failing to manage) a roving eye because you are miserably tied to a nice enough man who you find boring and who you don’t fancy.

I married my best friend—someone who was kind, funny, intelligent, a hard worker, and who I knew would be a faithful husband and a good father. I fancied him when we got married, but I do think that as relationships go on, the physical gets less important and the emotional connection gets more important. With young kids, that physical part has been on the back burner for a long time, so I am really glad we have that deeper friendship connection to enjoy each other even when we’re too tired for anything else. I would not want to be doing life and raising a family with anyone else, no question about that. We always have a great time together, even if we’re just chilling on the sofa after a long
day.

It depends. Sex can be improved in any relationship if the people are willing to work together on it. If he doesn't want to work on it, well that answers the question doesn't it

"Passion and sex" won't look after you when you're ill, won't pay the bills when you're skint, etc. It also usually wears off after a few years. I know lots of women (and a few blokes) who regretted marrying or having children with people because "the sex was great", but they realised (often too late), that sex usually becomes less and less important (if at all) once the honeymoon period has ended.

The big question is whether you've had enough "passion and sex" with other people to get it out of your system - if you've been there, done it and got the T shirt, then, maybe it's time for you to "settle". However, by the mere fact you've asked the question, tends to suggest you've not yet filled your boots, so you need to get out and enjoy yourself a bit more before you settle.

Not at your age!!!

If you were 65, maybe.

Don't settle.

If you're asking the question then no it isn't good enough. You're only 25, go find someone you really love and let this guy find someone who loves him that much too

You don't need to think a person is perfect to think they are "spectacular" though or perfect for you

I also thought you were going to say you were in your 50's!

No - you're far too young to settle.

Don't marry "good enough". There are many many men out there who are good enough, and you don't need to marry any of them,.

You're 25, you're in NYC. Forget dating and trying to 'find love", throw yourself into experiencing where you are right now at the fullest, swap out disappointing dates for dance classes, art classes, cookery skills classes and concentrate on making friends instead... you literally have the world at your feet right now. You will have many years to look back on this time, make sure you make the best memories you can.

Safe and secure can very quickly turn to a marital prison without passion and spark.

Don’t dont don’t don’t don’t settle!

Especially at only 25.

Youve got plenty of time to find someone you’re really in love with.

I settled and regret it so much. I thought he was all the things you describe but actually he turned out not to be that either. But without the physical attraction, without the passion, there is nothing to fall back on when times get tough.

Dont listen to “could you live without him?” Etc That’s just encouraging you to use him as a security blanket. You need real attraction. Having bad sex with someone you don’t fancy will erode you over time. He also deserves honesty and not you living a lie.

Exactly!

Millions of us would kill to be in your shoes! Don't settle for some schlub!

Life is a banquet....

If you were eighty I would say go ahead. But at your age it is a ridiculous compromise. You have to be in love.

@GreenManalishi

This is the most compelling argument so far. I don't want to squander my youth.

He is kind, solvent, mature and I feel safe and happily get along with him, but am not and have never been passionately in love with him, and the sex isn't great.

That wouldn’t be my definition of ‘good enough.’ That’s not even adequate. You’re 25 - still plenty of time to find someone who’s got what you need. At the moment, if you ‘settle’ for ‘good enough’ chances are you will a still find someone better, and then put this nice guy you’re with now through an awkward break up. That’s not fair on either of you.

@Blaggertyjibbet Thank you, you have described what I mean by spectacular. I’m glad you have it, it does exist.

I'm more than a bit scared of losing him and the sense of security he imparts. Especially as an immigrant in a country where I know only a couple of people well.

You sound exactly like me, two years before I left my boring ex and met my beautiful, wonderful, amazing husband.

I'm going against the general responses here but personally I would be inclined to see if you can make it work with this guy. Could you get some counselling together maybe? Sex and passion come and go in a relationship - I'm not sure it is wise to sacrifice everything else for this. Although I am twice your age so maybe that should be taken into consideration!

You're never going to find the perfect man. There's always going to be a compromise and you will have to at some point say it's good enough. So why not now?

Let me tell you something- I very nearly settled. Then we broke up and I met my utterly gorgeous DH a couple of months later. I am so very glad I didn't settle and marry that first one. You don't have to choose between safety and decency // passion and good sex. There are men you can find both with.

25??? Settling is for much later in life ;)

You are only 25,plenty of time to find real love,the sort that makes your heart flip and fulfilling sex.
As to all you folk that seem to think 50/60 year olds would settle for poor sex!Maybe at 80!