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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please :(

52 replies

lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:33

Hi.

Can I please have some advice?

My 17 year old who is currently battling with anxiety and depression, has spent an absurd amount of money on Lego, I’m speaking in the region of near to £2000.

He was a Lego fan when he was much younger, but over the years he grew out of it. I asked him why he has spent so much, he said that it is taking his mind of things, and whilst he is building, his mind is clear.

Now, I don’t know whether I shouldn’t mention it again, after all it’s his money.

I don’t really feel as if he is in the right frame of mind at the moment, and I don’t want him to later regret it, and possibly question me on why I didn’t stop him/make him return it.

Do you think it would be unreasonable of me, as his mother to NOT step in and persuade him to return the majority?

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 16/10/2022 20:36

I'd certainly rather he was spending his money on Lego than drugs, but that spending isn't sustainable. Is he getting professional help with his mental health issues?

40andfit · 16/10/2022 20:36

If he keep the boxes and sell them on in 5 year time he will make money. I know this isn’t what you are asking.

XenoBitch · 16/10/2022 20:39

If it is his money, and he can afford it, then leave him be. I know several people who suffer from anxiety that find Lego really therapeutic for them. One is a lady in her 70s.
Agree with PP who says there is worst things he could be spending the money on.

Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:39

Hello

No, he isn’t getting any help. He keeps refusing to let me take him to see someone. I am just scared that his condition is going to get worst.

OP posts:
Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:40

XenoBitch · 16/10/2022 20:39

If it is his money, and he can afford it, then leave him be. I know several people who suffer from anxiety that find Lego really therapeutic for them. One is a lady in her 70s.
Agree with PP who says there is worst things he could be spending the money on.

Ok

I feel a little bit better now 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:40

40andfit · 16/10/2022 20:36

If he keep the boxes and sell them on in 5 year time he will make money. I know this isn’t what you are asking.

Thanks for your reply.

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EndersGame · 16/10/2022 20:42

That's quite a bit of spare money for a 17-year-old, but if he has it free and that's what he wants leave him to it. Many lego sets gain in value so you could see this as a wise investment.

NotJustAnybody · 16/10/2022 20:42

I'd say if he has anxiety and depression then that much Lego will probably overwhelm him. I'd encourage him to take/send back most of it. He can always buy more when he's near to completing a project.
In general, yes, as a parent our job is to guide them in making wise choices and that includes spending money.

LeMoo · 16/10/2022 20:43

At 17 I think its totally right to step in here.

Excessive spending / compulsive shopping is a symptom of poor mh especially when anxiety or neuro divergency is at play.

I wouldn't step in to stop him using lego, but to moderate his spending. Suggest he sets a weekly or monthly limit and point him towards second hand sets.

Would also suggest a gp apt to review his mh and treatment.

hattie43 · 16/10/2022 20:44

Some Lego sets are hundreds of pounds so it might not be an addiction as such . As someone else said better Lego than drugs

Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:45

NotJustAnybody · 16/10/2022 20:42

I'd say if he has anxiety and depression then that much Lego will probably overwhelm him. I'd encourage him to take/send back most of it. He can always buy more when he's near to completing a project.
In general, yes, as a parent our job is to guide them in making wise choices and that includes spending money.

Thank you

I just feel as if it’s too much for him, but on the other hand he has said it helps him.

OP posts:
Izzywhizzyisverybusy · 16/10/2022 20:47

Lego therapy is used in schools to help children with anxiety/confidence issues. So at least he is channelling it towards something that could help rather than drugs and alcohol.
I think whatever happens, your DS needs to make the decision what to do. If you take it back behind his back it could effect his relationship with you or possibly make him feel worse. It sounds like it’s a shopping addiction of sorts. Therapy would probably be the best route to help him through his mental health issues. I really wouldn’t take them back to the shop without his permission though.

Regularsizedrudy · 16/10/2022 20:50

2k over what time period though? I’m guessing they have a job?

Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:55

Izzywhizzyisverybusy · 16/10/2022 20:47

Lego therapy is used in schools to help children with anxiety/confidence issues. So at least he is channelling it towards something that could help rather than drugs and alcohol.
I think whatever happens, your DS needs to make the decision what to do. If you take it back behind his back it could effect his relationship with you or possibly make him feel worse. It sounds like it’s a shopping addiction of sorts. Therapy would probably be the best route to help him through his mental health issues. I really wouldn’t take them back to the shop without his permission though.

He has never ever done anything like this before, he is not one to spend money.

OP posts:
Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:57

Regularsizedrudy · 16/10/2022 20:50

2k over what time period though? I’m guessing they have a job?

Over the course of two weeks, he doesn’t have a job just has a lot of money in savings. As I mentioned before, he is not one to spend money.

OP posts:
LeMoo · 16/10/2022 21:01

lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:57

Over the course of two weeks, he doesn’t have a job just has a lot of money in savings. As I mentioned before, he is not one to spend money.

Show quote history

Hugely excessive and 2k in 2 weeks absolutely needs addressing!

My weakness is impulse buying and when my mh was v bad once I went spent too freely because I felt it was the only thing I could do to help myself. Perversely, although in some ways it helped it was itself anxiety inducing and felt compulsive. Bit like scratching a bite constantly even though it makes it itch more.

Its quite desperate behaviour really.

It wasnt a pleasant experience and looking back I wish my dp was a bit more insistent than they were when they finally brought it up.

Mossstitch · 16/10/2022 21:04

I have similar scenario going on at present but with much older adult child, he has returned to childhood hobby and probably spent similar amount. He also rarely spends money but has suffered from anxiety (maybe depression too) since he was a teenager. I think it's like a form of mindfulness, whilst they are engrossed in it they are not thinking of anything else, so I see it as a good thing. I'd suggest watch and wait, see if it makes him feel better, not doing any harm so long as not going into debt for it. My son says that some of his stuff is rare and can be sold for more if he doesn't use it (when I expressed shock at the amount he was buying) 🤷 you never stop worrying over them no matter how old they are😕💐

LeMoo · 16/10/2022 21:04

Also, he must have been buying them before he can even get halfway through building them. Classic anxiety behaviour imo and it's not pleasant to experience as at some point he's going to look at it all and think oh shit.

Definitely (gently/kindly) intervene and keep him to only buying one set in advance on what he's completing. The others sets won't be going anywhere.

Whataretheodds · 16/10/2022 21:08

Saved from his earnings? Or gifts?

Absolutely you can and should step in.

TrainspottingWelsh · 16/10/2022 21:10

The amount isn’t really important if it’s a one off. At 17 his mental health is more important than a car, or saving for a deposit etc. Dsd’s first pony cost more, my colleagues collector hobby is more, and yet 10x the amount on private therapy would never accomplish as much. And no amount of professional help would ever have helped me survive my childhood in the way horses have.
If he’s not going to continue spending and is genuinely finding the Lego soothing, rather than the buying then I’d view it as £2k on private therapy.

MbatataOwl · 16/10/2022 21:12

I'm pretty sure there are sites where you can rent Lego sets.

HariboReckoning · 16/10/2022 21:14

What is he doing with his time? Having something to take your mind off anxiety and/or depression can be beneficial. That said, it can tip over into extreme avoidance of anxiety/depression triggers - and the longer that goes on, the harder it is to break the avoidance behaviours. If he’s consumed by the Lego, it’s not healthy, he’s going to have to learn some other coping skills, and honestly, the sooner the better.

SpicePearl · 16/10/2022 21:17

I don’t think the Lego itself is relevant. Stopping him from buying it isn’t going to fix whatever is making him want it. Why does he need his mind to be quiet? What is he dwelling on and why? This is what needs addressing. The Lego is a red flag but not the problem in itself.

Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 21:22

Whataretheodds · 16/10/2022 21:08

Saved from his earnings? Or gifts?

Absolutely you can and should step in.

From his savings account, from birth he has always had money deposited into his account on a monthly basis, also recently he was left a substantial amount of money from a relative.

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Original poster
lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 21:25

@HariboReckoning nothing at all, he used to have a very active social life, but due to his mental health he says he would like to be alone.

@SpicePearl he has complained about intrusive and bad thoughts, it got so bad that he said he no longer wants to be here anymore, but thankfully he is no longer thinking like that.

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