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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please :(

52 replies

lookmumthefox · 16/10/2022 20:33

Hi.

Can I please have some advice?

My 17 year old who is currently battling with anxiety and depression, has spent an absurd amount of money on Lego, I’m speaking in the region of near to £2000.

He was a Lego fan when he was much younger, but over the years he grew out of it. I asked him why he has spent so much, he said that it is taking his mind of things, and whilst he is building, his mind is clear.

Now, I don’t know whether I shouldn’t mention it again, after all it’s his money.

I don’t really feel as if he is in the right frame of mind at the moment, and I don’t want him to later regret it, and possibly question me on why I didn’t stop him/make him return it.

Do you think it would be unreasonable of me, as his mother to NOT step in and persuade him to return the majority?

OP posts:
BadGranny · 16/10/2022 21:33

What kind of Lego sets? If he’s bought a small number of very expensive sets, it may be a desire for high-value property, rather like a regular stamp collector using savings to buy an Edward VII 2d Tyrian plum and a plate 77 penny red. That’s different from just buying loads and loads of ordinary sets, which is more like obsessive behaviour.

CarefreeMe · 16/10/2022 21:38

I think it’s a ridiculous amount of money to spend and I get why you are worried but it is his money and if it’s helping him then it is good.

Is he buying them and then completing them?
Or just keep buying them?

You could try and encourage him to complete one before buying another one.

You could also use this as a way to help him out - he could pick out new shelves for his room or maybe leave reviews about the difficulty level.

When someone has depression they often have no purpose in life.
The fact he seems to have got himself a hobby is hopefully a good thing.

missmamiecuddleduck · 16/10/2022 21:41

He needs help. He's 17 still living in your home. I'd insist. Is his father around?

Elieza · 16/10/2022 21:49

What happens when he’s used all the bits and has built half a room full of Lego works of art. And it’s over.

will he spend another two grand on more?

like any addiction, things can get out of hand. It’s good it’s helping him but nows the time to seek professional help for whatever is causing his issues, perhaps counselling or anti-d’s, and he can enjoy his Lego when he gets in from his counselling appointments, which would be a good use of his extra cash if it would help him and if he can’t get free nhs counselling.

mamabear715 · 16/10/2022 21:53

My DD binges on things. It's baseball cards atm. (She's ASD)
Tbh if it keeps her happy & stable, I don't mind.

HariboReckoning · 17/10/2022 07:47

So no job, no social life. School? College? I think you need to get him some help tbh, it sounds like he’s opting out of life. Whilst in the throws of a bad episode, taking time out can be very necessary, but with a view to trying to get back to (some kind of) real life. He can’t avoid becoming an adult, he’s going to have to learn to adult at some point. You need to get him help.

Original poster
lookmumthefox · 17/10/2022 08:42

@BadGranny he has opted for the expensive 18+ sets ranging from £90 upwards.

@CarefreeMe he is buying them and
completing them.

@HariboReckoning yes that’s right, he has a lot of friends but has since cut them all off.

DH is not very supportive, he just calls him ungrateful and says he needs to stop.

OP posts:
caroleanboneparte · 17/10/2022 09:25

Don't sweat the small stuff.

They retain a lot of value.

It will keep him occupied and is a therapeutic activity.

What else would a 17yo do with all those savings?

I probably blew that on alcohol / going out at that age! Wish I'd bought Lego...

Original poster
lookmumthefox · 17/10/2022 09:36

@caroleanboneparte

Thank you, I feel a lot better now. I’m not going to mention it to him again, just watched a few Lego videos on YouTube, majority of people are grown adults, it all makes sense now.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 10:27

So I have anxiety and sometimes develop obsessions over things. I have loads of pairs of socks. Too many. Same with pj's. Think it's something to do with when we were in Covid. But even before that I used to buy lots of shower gel and now I sometimes run out I don't do it at all. Anyway stopped that now and have loads of wax melts. I think sometimes you get fixated on something. DH would get annoyed with me but only I can stop it and I am in a much better place now but it does embarrass me

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 17/10/2022 10:35

I do this in times of poor MH. Often I buy all the things because I can’t decide between them. I always have the best justifications for why I need the things and people take it at its face value. Then I am horrified at how out of control my spending is and I feel worse again.

LeMoo · 17/10/2022 23:44

@teaandtoastwithmarmite @PeekabooAtTheZoo thats exactly my experience, I'm actually so relieved that it's not just me - thank you for sharing

Hoghedge10 · 18/10/2022 00:03

To be fair if he is buying the big, decent sets then 2k may only buy him 4/5 sets when you add on postage too.

It does however seem like a rather large sum of money to spend over a relatively short period of time.

He should at least get his money back later on down the line if he keeps boxes etc. Lego does seem to hold its money and potentially increase in value depending on the popularity of the sets and how long you keep them for.

Cw112 · 18/10/2022 00:17

At 17 you still have parental control so you can link him in with the gp and ask for a referral to camhs for him for support. Once he turns 18 you won't be able to put any support in place for him unless he's willing so I'd have another go at trying to get him to go to an appointment even if it takes bribery or whatever to get him there because at least it will get him on their books before he becomes an adult. I think if he finds the lego helpful then I'd let him keep it but I'd try to make an agreement with him about how to use the rest of his money and maybe try to encourage him to allow you to keep it in trust for him. Spending that much can be a sign of not thinking long term which is concerning if he's also feeling low which is why I'd be really pushing for him to see the gp and attend a mh assessment.

lancastercourt · 18/10/2022 00:47

Dh collects Lego. Literally spent just shy of 2k 2 days ago after getting an unexpected bonus. He builds them and then they go in the display cabinets we have for them. Majority of the ones he has are £100+ ... a lot of them in the region of £300. It's very easy to spend £2k on Lego

It's his hobby - he likes to build and collect Lego like people who collect stamps/coins etc. He has a professional job and is a fully functioning adult with no tendencies to be irresponsible with money... Lego just helps him switch off and he likes to look at the finished product. The older kids love picking sets with him and they often sit and do bits together around homework etc

I honestly wouldn't worry about it - he could spend his money on far worse things and if it's giving him something to do and helping with his anxiety then surely that can only be a positive thing?

If/when he gets bored of them as previous posters have said, Lego holds its value well and once discontinued they can sell for a lot more then the original rrp

NoodleSoup12 · 18/10/2022 01:08

OP, he sounds like he has gone and got help — this seems similar to me to people doing yoga or meditation. Actually neither of these work brilliantly for me — I like working at my job, which involves Lego-building-like concentration! I would watch and wait, but not feel badly about the Lego.

In terms of the money, I did have this in savings at the same age but only because I had worked since 14 and earned it. But I do think if it’s been given to him (unless it’s accumulated from 15 birthdays) that he is bound not to understand its worth.

On the topic… my MH was bad as a teen but was actually helped by a job. It was a challenge that was much simpler to achieve than school, I made great friends, and I actually really enjoyed the work. Therapy isn’t the only answer. Teens have so much work ahead of them to build a life… might doing some of that work help him to feel more confident (eg that he could stand on his own two feet, fund his Lego if he’s really interested in it)?

patchysmum · 18/10/2022 01:44

I would not worry about the lego but try and get him to see the GP going from an active social life to wanting to be alone would worry me and sometimes medication or therapy can make a big difference

VashtaNerada · 18/10/2022 03:06

That’s a huge amount of money for him to have access to! My DC have savings accounts but I wouldn’t be giving them access before they’re adults. Considering the state of the economy £2k on toys sounds completely insane to me.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 18/10/2022 03:22

We like Lego at my house too. I love the architectural series but don't have room in my place to display or I'd be out a chunk of change as well.

You can keep offering help, but it's been my experience that even if you "make" a 17 year old go see a therapist, it doesn't mean they will accept help.

I would tell him of your concern about his anxiety and that you are sad that he is having that difficulty and ask him what you can do to help, tell him sometimes medications can help people over a rough spot. But it's up to him whether he will accept help, and you can tell him you are ready to step in and get him that help whenever he says the word.

I wonder if you could express some interest in Lego as well? Maybe ask to help build some part of it with him?

Ihavehadenoughalready · 18/10/2022 03:25

@NoodleSoup12 "my MH was bad as a teen but was actually helped by a job. It was a challenge that was much simpler to achieve than school, I made great friends, and I actually really enjoyed the work. Therapy isn’t the only answer. Teens have so much work ahead of them to build a life… might doing some of that work help him to feel more confident (eg that he could stand on his own two feet, fund his Lego if he’s really interested in it)?"

I second this excellent idea.

Kennykenkencat · 18/10/2022 03:40

VashtaNerada · 18/10/2022 03:06

That’s a huge amount of money for him to have access to! My DC have savings accounts but I wouldn’t be giving them access before they’re adults. Considering the state of the economy £2k on toys sounds completely insane to me.

Lego isn’t a toy it is an investment.

Ds spends that sort of money a couple of times per year and doesn’t even open the boxes

Whydidimarryhim · 18/10/2022 04:54

Hi op is there a history of mental illness in your families - can you encourage him to do other “switching off hobbies” - did he say why he cut off his friends?
Could you ask a friend to pop round casually - would he be interested in counselling to share his worries? Sounds tough all round.

Blueblell · 18/10/2022 05:39

The large amount of money aside, I would be pleased he is trying find a way to work through his anxiety in a productive way. I believe Lego is very therapeutic and actually it holds its value, especially the adult sets.

he is in a way self medicating with Lego and I think I would be quite proud of him. However, I would try and get him to get and see someone if possible and slowly get back out with friends.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/10/2022 05:51

I think those saying at least it isn’t drugs or that Lego isnt a toy but an investment are missing the point that the boy has mental health challenges . I think you would be unreasonable to take the ‘it’s his money’ approach and need support help for mental health leaving him to his Lego

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/10/2022 05:52

< that came out badly, sorry - I was just trying to say I would be concerned >