Neighbour punched my door?

[YesitsBess]

We’ve recently moved temporarily (myself and my son 13) into a flat I’ve owned for years, it needs refurbishment and I wouldn’t put tenants in right now. There are other reasons but those aren’t entirely pertinent to what just happened.

It’s a low-rise block with communal bins, we’re 2nd floor at the end of a corridor. I put the rubbish (bagged, not bin-juicy - I’ve got a thing about ‘wet rubbish’ and take it out right away) and two small cardboard boxes outside our door and asked the boy to take them down to the bins.

He did forget, no excuses but he forgot for about 20 mins. I’d been cooking and came out when I checked if he’d done the chore to a note saying “Don’t leave garbage in the halls”.

So far, so 100% fine. Bang to rights, I wouldn’t want to live next door to people who left no bags in halls.

I told my son to take the rubbish down immediately, he did so and I wrote on the bottom of the anonymous note: really sorry, they were out for son to take down, teenagers sometimes make mistakes. Please knock in future if there is a problem, I don’t bite :)

Son took the rubbish down, we are now at 30 mins tops? Then I hear a massive bang, went to his room to see if he’d knocked something over, he hadn’t. I opened the door and my neighbours husband or partner was storming down the corridor with the note in his hand muttering swear words. I can only conclude he punched the door and went off before I could answer. But why do that?

So as not to drop feed, the block has a super efficient management company and I would have known if previous tenants had caused a problem with garbage.

Also, I’m not scared per se, just a bit baffled at how that escalated.

I will 100% keep all rubbish indoors until the last second now also! But AIBU that hitting a door that hard is a bit much?

He was absolutely out of order. I'm guessing he thought you were being sarcastic with your response. Most people would just have written sorry, won't happen again. Also, you would only have known if you had problem tenants if someone had complained about them though so perhaps that was the final straw thinking someone with similar sloppy ethics had moved in? Don't go to their door, that's just inflaming the situation. Give it some breathing room

I feel sorry for the wife and son. Hope you don't have to stay there too long OP.

You were asking for confrontation and you got it.

Why did you feel the need to blame your son and ask him to knock? Why should he want an "adult discussion" around it? It doesn't warrant a chat, you just need to not leave rubbish out in a

communal block.

He doesn't know you are responsible, for all he knows, this could have become a regular thing.

So he told you not to do it.

You could have just taken in the letter and got the bin sorted, instead you felt the need to write a silly response back.

I'm sorry OP, but you need to back off and calm down. He was wrong to thump your door, but you brought it on yourself.

Ah yes, a woman has invited male aggression, even when she has done what she has been told to do

This thread reeks of misogyny. Quelle
surprise.

To answer everyone who thought tenants just have been a nightmare: it’s not just the management company who I hear from, I know a lot of the tenants and owners here and would have been well aware of any bin monsters.

I won’t kowtow to anonymous notes now, or ever. I’ve no intention of a row for the sake of a row but he knows where I live, a quick chat isn’t the end of the world, nobody needs to punch anyones door.

CHRIST ALIVE: who gives a shitting shit if the note was ‘belittling/patronising’ (I thought it was funny/friendly) he doesn’t have the right to thump a door in anger!!

We cannot allow aggression like that to go unchecked or justify violence from anyone because of an anything a note says. Unreal.

OP - you’re my familiar. I’d also follow up - diplomatically, with someone on speaker phone! But not tonight. Good luck.

No.

If there is a problem and you know the person is in, you talk to them. If they say ‘please knock’ you either knock and have that conversation or you don’t. You do not smack their door and run off.

RIGHT?! I’m literally floored by how OP is being used to justify this moron’s tantrum. He wrote a note. She wrote a note. But somehow the woman should’ve anticipated a violent response?!?!

It’s shocking. I’m shocked…

I’ve just read the comments to a friend and she agrees it was a funny/light/friendly response AND who gives a shit whether it was it wasn’t?! A thump on a door is a violent outburst designed to scare. Utterly ridiculous. He’s a twat. You were reasonable. URGHHHH this thread just shows how entrenched misogyny is. **screams at the moon

Cheers chuck.

That might be YOUR approach but it doesn't mean that's universally right.

I wouldn't want a face to face discussion with someone to critique them. Leaving a note is sometimes the least confrontational approach. Maybe he was is a hurry, or didn't want to intimidate you.

I get that you resolved the issue, but you didn't need to reply, it didn't warrant it.

You didnt like being told to not leave the rubbish out so had to have your two (patronising) cents. So he responded.

He shouldn't have thumped your door, but you also need to learn to take criticism without always responding. YOU left the rubbish out, to stink out the corridor, not him.

Well I don't think you've done anything wrong and to those pointing out that notes can be inferred with passive aggressive tones etc - well, quite.

He's a dick. And an arse.

Ignore as a first instance, be pleasant next time you see them (which might just sting more) and address behaviour if there are further incidents.

I'll respond given you quoted my use of the word belittling. If you read my posts I explicitly stated more than once the behaviour was unacceptable and should consider being reported.

I don't think anyone is excusing or justifying the response, but one can both criticise the response from the gentleman as well as the wording of the letter - which was clumsy.

@TinySaltLick your language was inadvertently all about appeasing male egos.

It's not misogyny though really is it, as above noone is saying the behaviour from this guy is justifiable, it clearly isn't and should be reported - but are you really making a claim that people should be encouraged to write shitty and patronising notes to their neighbours?

Being polite and apologetic when in the wrong isn't some patriarchal stricture is it, it is just how we operate in a community

It was deliberately written from the interpretation of the guy reading it though, that was the point

@TinySaltLick do you really want to fo through life appeasing men?

Of course not and I don't think that is a particularly fair comment - you're adding a load of narrative I didn't say or support.

My point(s) were around the nature of the note and how it was interpreted, its actually irrlevent who the recipient is in this instance. Once again I do not condone the response from this person, it is unacceptable - please take my critique with of the wording as just that, and not unjustly overlay claims of mysogyny just because the author of the note is a woman

Being polite and apologetic only applies to women.
Men can write snarky notes, pound on a door, stomp and sulk.

OP
You did nothing wrong here.
Your neighbor was out of line.

This isn't a gender thing. You making it that just diverts from the actual issues.

Women also use violence and aggression, albeit less.

This isn't about his anatomy, or appeasing men. It's about OP writing an unnecessary response and the neighbour who overreacted and was unnecessarily aggressive.

Both were defensive, OP in her patronising letter and the neighbour with his literal take on 'knocking' on the door.

Ironically though, OP now wants her male friend to threaten the neighbour or act as a male protector....

I'd do nothing, just take the situation as a marker that you are dealing with an aggressive nut job.
However if your brick wall of a friend is seen to visit you now and again, it wouldn't do any harm - though I'd not involve him in the issue.

No, like I said, he's a jerk! It would be worse if you were a tenant (or less confident/ballsy) He was definitely a complete twat, but insecure men often are.

I hope that's the end of the dick swinging!

I wish you & DS well

He was outside in the car park for at least 15 mins when I was also out there unloading my car after rugby.

I didn’t know who the person was until he punched my door and I recognised him from punching my door. So he had two (2) opportunities to talk to me that didn’t involve punching my door.

Explain to me again how this is a me problem.

@TinySaltLick I do get what you’re saying (I know this is MN but I’m being genuine here and I do see you have not condoned the behaviour per se), but - and not that it’s relevant - but what you read as shitty I read as friendly/funny. Genuinely! And I’m happy to remove gender and stand by my point. Someone lashing out at a door because they perceived a written sleight is not reaction we should be trying to justify (I know you aren’t, but there is an element of defending by bringing up the OP’s note), especially when THE THUMPER was allowed to leave a note but OP shouldn’t have. Does that make sense?

Op left rubbish in hall for 20 minutes because TEENAGERS.

THUMPER leaves note. (Bizarrely doesn’t knock - too scary?).

OP rectifies rubbish situation. Leaves explanatory (I think light-hearted but recognise it’s open to interpretation) note.

THUMPER assumes absolute worst, has no sense of humour, loses his GODDAM MIND over perceived insult (!!), finds ability to make contact with a door that was a set earlier, and thumps door (finds ability to knock through vengeance).

And what I cannot get my head around is how OP should shoulder any sense of responsibility for that reaction. Whether from a woman or a man.

Though I do believe gender is relevant and had THUMPER been a woman, this thread would be all about how unhinged the woman was.