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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU - I think this is the end

64 replies

KTKismet · 15/10/2022 22:57

So DH and I have been together for 25 years, both around 40 now with two DC.

I have health issues I have suffered from depression from a number of years when I was younger but DH was removed from the main handling of this as it was when I was in my teens. I again suffered from depression with suicidal thoughts following 5 mcs.

I miraculously had dc1 and 4 months after arrival also miraculously had conceived dc2. Dc2 pregnancy was more troubled as I had extensive sickness with long haul travel in t1; LBP and fainting in T2 and then finally suffered from SPD and AND in T3 and then pnd but all now recovered from for a number of years (youngest 4).

My DH has been amazing, I couldn't have done it without him. However sometimes I let him down with how heavily I relied on him and when he pointed out the strain on him, I've felt so bad.

This has gone on now for almost 4 years. We have amazing periods. For the record, I adore my DH, he is an amazing partner and father. However, I am starting to question if he is so amazing to me. He wakes super early and will put washings in; then remind me he picks up my slack.

He loves a clean kitchen and will want it sparkling all the time... But If I'm wfh and have time to come down and make the kids some food, if the dishwasher is on, I need to leave the plates stacked to go in. He will then make a big deal about the fact he cleaned the plates when they eventually go in. We have a cleaner though he does probably still do more housework than me. My working hours are longer than his though.

We had an argument 6 months ago where he told me I don't deserve him. We apologised and made up the next day.

But today, I've had the best day (at the moment I have 2 health issues, both referred to hospital. One because I stop breathing at night and I'm so tired all the time so I'm now not allowed to drive and the other because I've lost hearing in my ear and it apparently looks "grey and dull"). I woke up after a long lie,( 8.45) asked DH why he didn't wake me, he said he wanted me to have a rest (he'd been up with dcs since 7am). I offered for him to go back to bed and he said no.

We have had a day out with dcs and food with some alcohol, kids in bed early and watched TV. Right as we are turning off lights he tells me "you're on the early shift tomorrow since you've done fuck all today and I'll get a lie in".

I ask him what he means, repeat what he said this morning and then the fact I didn't hear the kids up because of the hearing issue.

He tells me I've always got some excuse and he doesn't buy my shit anymore, I can't drive with the sleep issue, he says that's so convenient for me to not help with drop offs for kids. Doesn't believe I don't hear the kids getting up and that I take advantage of him and that I just expect him to pick it up. Has said I clearly want to leave him (in fact it's him who has mentioned this 7 different times this year despite me saying I love him and want us to remain a family). I do not want to leave him.

He's told me to fuck off and just leave; I'm "not wanted. I won't even get the kids half the time" cause I do "fuck all for them" and my pnd will confirm that and to just get out the house.

So as not to drip feed my salary is 3x DH, he can't afford this house without me, I do lots for our kids (though he does the drop off and pick up from school as his work is less restrictive). I've had documented mh issues though with anxiety. When I said we should have some time apart following argument he told me, there was "no fucking way he was leaving the house, so I could just disappear'.

I don't want to split up... I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm in tears. Please don't be mean. But WIBU to think this is the end??

OP posts:
Original poster
KTKismet · 15/10/2022 23:03

I was crying and closed the bedroom door dc1 is in bed beside me (2 DC struggling in their own bed ATM... DC1 due to school issues and dc2 ASN)...

DH has come in and said it's typical of me being selfish and that I want him to deal with the dogs... Dogs sleep downstairs without issue...

OP posts:
Softplayhooray · 15/10/2022 23:03

Can I suggest a separation OP? You out earn him by 3 times, you can stay in the house, and there's no way you wouldn't get at the least joint custody but very likely more. I think he talks to you in an abusive way and that's horrible, and most likely making your mental health a lot worse. A separation would give you some time apart (I think this would be healthy for you, and a bloody big wake up call for him). You certainly don't deserve to be talked down to like this.

MouseRoar · 15/10/2022 23:12

Your husband is not as nice as you think he is, unfortunately

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 15/10/2022 23:12

He sounds awful, OP...

What happened to "in sickness and in health"? I can understand him being tired, but as long as you are taking the steps you can under medical supervision to improve your health, he is being an utter knob.

At the risk of sounding silly, do you have any family around to help out occasionally for you so you can both have a break?

FTstepmum · 15/10/2022 23:25

My immediate reaction is this:

He is building a narrative of being the selfless, giving, caring, overworked DH so people outside will never find out that he is actually manipulative and controlling.

He is emasculated because you're the breadwinner. He's getting his "revenge" by making you feel incapable and infantalised.

He's right when he says you don't deserve him. No-one deserves to be spoken to and treated like that.

You should separate, at a minimum. Don't accept anything less than complete, sincere kindness from him. You'll know it when you see it.

Prayer just sent for you and your DC. Xxx

Dancingqueenwannabe · 15/10/2022 23:34

He sounds awful and you deserve much netter than that. You sound like you are doing all you can for your children and the relationship, however he sound like he can only do it at a time which gives him the upmost glory.
As a PP said before taking time away from him could help you to think about what your want and how he reacts

Obki · 16/10/2022 00:28

He sounds awful. Don’t give him the house.

If he wants to leave you, he can leave the house.

Call his bluff and find a shot hot lawyer asap.

Forestfever · 16/10/2022 00:35

to be blunt, this is over to him and I think he wants you to leave the house. Do not do it. He is being horrid. You are a good mum, you are clearly good at your job and earn well for it. He can leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2022 00:36

The Script, and a particularly nasty one.

Do NOT leave that house. If he wants out, he knows where the door is.

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 16/10/2022 00:41

You don’t deserve the way he treats you and speaks to you, OP. It’s very manipulative as well as lacking empathy for your health struggles.

Kick him out.

teaiseverything · 16/10/2022 00:43

He sounds like an ignorant, manipulative POS. You don’t deserve to live like that and if I’m honest, those traits wouldn’t leave me inclined to fight for the relationship. I’d want him out.

Theroad · 16/10/2022 00:45

He seems to be holding onto serious amounts of resentment. It doesn't sound good at all. Could you suggest marriage counselling to work through what happened earlier in your relationship? Would he be open to that? He's being very cruel with his words, but I understand how taking on what you perceive as a disproportionate share of the family burden could simmer under the surface. I've said similar in the heat of the moment.

it's strange he keeps saying you'll leave. What's brought that on? He couldn't be having an affair could he? I absolutely don't want to scare you and am hopefully very far off the mark. It's just I've seen men do this both on here and IRL. They rewrite the narrative/start assigning blame to their partner/essentially are too cowardly to leave and be the bad guy so try to make things so difficult for her in the hope that she ends up leaving. Again, I could be completely wrong and this may just stem from your past problems but just said I'd raise it incase you noticed any other change in behaviour that's out of the ordinary.

Nevermind91 · 16/10/2022 01:34

This sounds bad. His behaviour is manipulative and controlling.
All of his help counts for nothing if it's simply to arm himself with ammunition to abuse you with. That's not love. That's not caring for someone. That's not understanding.
It appears to me that his boiling resentment is something he barely has a lid on.
But, after so long together, you still love him.
Do not allow yourself to crumble. You are worth so much more.

DariaMorgendorffer · 16/10/2022 01:47

You poor thing. Stay strong op, and consider your options. Don't move out! You've been through so much, and he is speaking to you with huge resentment and disrespect. Time to seriously consider separation, or to get some space. The whole atmosphere sounds toxic.

Dontsparethehorses · 16/10/2022 01:57

I do agree he is NOT an amazing partner to you (and sounds like alcohol brings out the worst in him) he is deliberately using your illnesses against you. You can only offer to take the slack eg. For him to wake you because you can’t hear kids. You can’t force him. I agree that you need to separate however my caution would be it sounds like you are going to struggle to be main caree for the children because of your health needs. Could they get to school with someone else? Could you afford taxis or us it walking distance if needed but just take longer? It doesn’t sound like contact would be agreed easily. Do NOT worry about mental health being used against you - if it’s medicated and you seek help that is all you can do, in the same way you can’t control your physical health right now!

georgarina · 16/10/2022 02:37

Sounds like he would leave but he's trying to wear you down and intimidate you into leaving the house yourself.

Fuck him. Don't leave. Your kids need the house. Speak to a lawyer.

GLx

Mamai90 · 16/10/2022 02:47

FTstepmum · 15/10/2022 23:25

My immediate reaction is this:

He is building a narrative of being the selfless, giving, caring, overworked DH so people outside will never find out that he is actually manipulative and controlling.

He is emasculated because you're the breadwinner. He's getting his "revenge" by making you feel incapable and infantalised.

He's right when he says you don't deserve him. No-one deserves to be spoken to and treated like that.

You should separate, at a minimum. Don't accept anything less than complete, sincere kindness from him. You'll know it when you see it.

Prayer just sent for you and your DC. Xxx

Think this poster absolutely nailed it.

Original poster
KTKismet · 16/10/2022 08:43

Thank you for all the replies. He really is a lovely man most of the time, it's just after some alcohol if we have an argument like this every 6-7 months it's the same issues he raises again. It then feels like all the effort I've put in to being better around the house is for nothing and not recognised.

After an argument like this two years ago (where he was fed up of the suicidal thoughts I was having and how I was in depression (I know depression makes you very selfish cause you can only really think of your own pain and the burden you are) and said something pretty awful) counselling was suggested. He originally agreed as it was a condition of me forgiving him and moving on... When it didn't get booked, I raised it again, things were better at this stage and he said he doesn't like the idea of talking to a stranger about our business.

I definitely don't think affair as genuinely neither of us have any spare time, we are usually always with the kids or one of us having the (very occasional) meet up with friends, and all his friends are married.

In terms of childcare, we don't really have family that help regularly anymore. My parents used to help a lot but my mum became a bit erratic in her behaviour and would have really random outbursts which ended in an argument, so they don't help as frequently anymore.

We have been looking to get more regular childcare but DH was talking about reducing his hours at work to focus on ds2 with additional needs and the after school childcare since I've just had a significant raise.

He's came downstairs this morning and asked why I'm up, and did I want to go back to bed like nothing has happened. I've hardly slept a wink, my eyes are puffy from crying and my stomach is in knots. I'm meant to be having lunch with a friend today but tempted to cancel so I can sleep.

OP posts:
NewDogOwner · 16/10/2022 08:46

Go for lunch. Freshen up and get out of the house and talk to your friend.

cansu · 16/10/2022 08:50

He obviously gets nasty when drunk. Tell him that despite what he said you have no intention of moving out. Tell him you suggest that he gets his own solicitor and you will consult one so that the divorce can be arranged. When he starts blustering remind him this is what he asked for the night before.

Notimeforaname · 16/10/2022 09:04

Bit gaslighty isn't it ? Repeatedly asking if you want a lie in ...but then getting nasty and saying you do fuck all.
What's that about ?

Anniegetyourgun · 16/10/2022 09:04

Oh yes, it would suit him very well to be designated the main carer should you split up. If possible I'd try to head that one off.

LucieLemon · 16/10/2022 11:51

This is some master manipulation going on right here. The ultimate aim is to get you to leave the house, he become the resident parent and you be obligated to support him and the children in the house.

This man isn't the saint he tries to portray himself to be, he is not being loving or supportive.

In relationships there are always occasions when the other persons behaviour winds us up or we believe them to be out of order. Not many couples go through life without a single disagreement, but this is completely different. This is a pattern of communication where he is degrading, unsupportive and inconsistent. There seems little respect for you as a romantic partner? No regard for you as the mother of his children?

Original poster
KTKismet · 16/10/2022 13:18

Thank you for the replies. I've felt quite ill today. I had a massive panic attack and couldn't stop shaking so had to go lie down and take medication to get it under control. Haven't really spoken to him; he made me breakfast and then was trying to help when the panic attack came on. Even that really wrong footed me though and makes me wonder if I'm over reacting.

I've cancelled going for lunch as I honestly can't face it. He's meant to be taking kids to see his dad so will get a break for a bit anyway.

I don't want to split up but the fact my stomach is in knots and he's acting like nothing has happened, I know isn't a good sign.

OP posts:
kerstina · 16/10/2022 13:34

It does sound like alcohol come be the issue here . Does he remember what he said last night and did the other arguments involve alcohol?
If so needs to quit drinking and see if the bitter accusations stop.