WIBU - I think this is the end

[KTKismet]

So DH and I have been together for 25 years, both around 40 now with two DC.

I have health issues I have suffered from depression from a number of years when I was younger but DH was removed from the main handling of this as it was when I was in my teens. I again suffered from depression with suicidal thoughts following 5 mcs.

I miraculously had dc1 and 4 months after arrival also miraculously had conceived dc2. Dc2 pregnancy was more troubled as I had extensive sickness with long haul travel in t1; LBP and fainting in T2 and then finally suffered from SPD and AND in T3 and then pnd but all now recovered from for a number of years (youngest 4).

My DH has been amazing, I couldn't have done it without him. However sometimes I let him down with how heavily I relied on him and when he pointed out the strain on him, I've felt so bad.

This has gone on now for almost 4 years. We have amazing periods. For the record, I adore my DH, he is an amazing partner and father. However, I am starting to question if he is so amazing to me. He wakes super early and will put washings in; then remind me he picks up my slack.

He loves a clean kitchen and will want it sparkling all the time... But If I'm wfh and have time to come down and make the kids some food, if the dishwasher is on, I need to leave the plates stacked to go in. He will then make a big deal about the fact he cleaned the plates when they eventually go in. We have a cleaner though he does probably still do more housework than me. My working hours are longer than his though.

We had an argument 6 months ago where he told me I don't deserve him. We apologised and made up the next day.

But today, I've had the best day (at the moment I have 2 health issues, both referred to hospital. One because I stop breathing at night and I'm so tired all the time so I'm now not allowed to drive and the other because I've lost hearing in my ear and it apparently looks "grey and dull"). I woke up after a long lie,( 8.45) asked DH why he didn't wake me, he said he wanted me to have a rest (he'd been up with dcs since 7am). I offered for him to go back to bed and he said no.

We have had a day out with dcs and food with some alcohol, kids in bed early and watched TV. Right as we are turning off lights he tells me "you're on the early shift tomorrow since you've done fuck all today and I'll get a lie in".

I ask him what he means, repeat what he said this morning and then the fact I didn't hear the kids up because of the hearing issue.

He tells me I've always got some excuse and he doesn't buy my shit anymore, I can't drive with the sleep issue, he says that's so convenient for me to not help with drop offs for kids. Doesn't believe I don't hear the kids getting up and that I take advantage of him and that I just expect him to pick it up. Has said I clearly want to leave him (in fact it's him who has mentioned this 7 different times this year despite me saying I love him and want us to remain a family). I do not want to leave him.

He's told me to fuck off and just leave; I'm "not wanted. I won't even get the kids half the time" cause I do "fuck all for them" and my pnd will confirm that and to just get out the house.

So as not to drip feed my salary is 3x DH, he can't afford this house without me, I do lots for our kids (though he does the drop off and pick up from school as his work is less restrictive). I've had documented mh issues though with anxiety. When I said we should have some time apart following argument he told me, there was "no fucking way he was leaving the house, so I could just disappear'.

I don't want to split up... I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm in tears. Please don't be mean. But WIBU to think this is the end??

I’m sorry but your husband isn’t ‘picking up your slack’ he is doing his fair share in a partnership.

this man is not a nice man, he’s sexist and entitled, classic ‘nice guy’ syndrome. His outburst stem from the fact that he believes, because you are a woman, that the domestic chores are your sole responsibility so by him washing a dish or getting up early one day, he is of saintly quality.

He sounds awful to the point I’m even questioning if he is making you ill, could he be drugging you/ making you drowsy? Is he often making you food and drinks?

Even if there was an imbalance of chores (not saying that this is the case here) and God knows how many threads I've read where women are posting about their slack male partners, his attitude would still be super shitty. Just because you think your partner isn't pulling their weight that's no excuse to belittle them, swear at them and generally make them feel worthless. It's as if he isn't looking to address the (in his opinion) imbalance but use it as a catalyst for a split.

I agree with PPs that alcohol more than likely plays a part but it is telling that the theme is still the same.

If you do really want to work at staying together I would make couples counselling a non negotiable part of that. Even if the result is you do need to go your separate ways, it might be that a split is best for you and not for the reasons hour husband is putting forward!

Is he alcohol dependent?

There is a limit though. A friend of mine is in the exact same position but it's the dh who has depression and other health issues. It has existed throughout their marriage. And she can't ever enjoy the good times because the bad times are guaranteed to come around yet again. She picks up alot of the slack because he can't. Tbf he is seeking help and on various therapies and medications but the reality is that it is always lurking in the background and she has had enough. But she won't/can't leave because of the kids. It is a very sad situation because they are both such lovely people. Everyone has their limit though.

He's no good for you.

Don't let him reduce his hours. You do not want him looking like the primary carer.

I’m not surprised you have issues with panic attacks, depression etc. He gaslighting and manipulating you so you don’t know what’s up and what’s down. Have a lie in love, you deserve it, changes to You’ve done nothing all day and I’m so hard done by.
He’s making you feel useless ....but you’re not! You outearn him 3 to 1, so you’re doing a good job. You have your children who you went through hell to have.
I think counselling on your own might help you see what he’s really like. He’s not a nice person at all.

Acting as if nothing has happened and then "helping" you with your panic attack is gaslighting at its best.

It's his behaviour towards you that is making you ill.

It brings back horrible memories from my own experience of a covert abusive husband.

If your friend had told you that this was happening to her, what would you think?

I'm sorry to say, but your DH, like my EXH, doesn't have your best interests at heart.

He has barely veiled hatred for you, because you represent everything he doesn't have.

You are very clearly kind, loving, forgiving, accepting and you want to give love and be loved.

He is not. His "love" is perverted and manipulative and not unconditional.

Please, try to see it from our perspective. Save yourself and your children.

I did it when I was 40. My life now at 44 is brilliant. Yours can be too.

Living with someone who's got mental health issues and suicidal thoughts, is a lot to deal with,for the other person.

Maybe he's having trouble coping with your issues but doesn't know how to discuss it with you.

he sounds as though he has a lot of resentment because in his eyes he is picking up a LOT of slack. I can't judge that but i get where he's coming from.
HIs language sounds horrible though. So you both need to get in a good headspace and work out what you both want and move forward accordingly.

The fact that you out earn him is neither here nor there. Especially if he's been doing a lot of the DC related things because you can't handle it. Maybe he could earn more if he didn't have to do that? who knows? It is clear that you can't go on like this.

OP, it does sound to me as if he is aiming to get the house and kids and for you to move out and pay maintenance. Ultimately the only way to end his abuse and for you to keep the house and be resident parent is to divorce him. I know this is not what you want right now, but keep it in mind in the future when the abuse ramps up. Also, he is a Grade A cunt.

Oh yes, it would suit him very well to be designated the main carer should you split up. If possible I'd try to head that one off.

^^This. Be very, very careful

Maybe he has compassion fatigue, if there have been several health issues both physical and mental it takes a toll on both the person with the issues and their family.

He sounds like a massive twat

I agree with this.

You might find some of your mental health issues get better when you're not constantly walking on eggshells to try and keep him happy.

@catandcoffee , @Brefugee and @Iateallthechocolate highlight valid perspectives.

Clearly how he’s handling it isn’t acceptable but, being honest with yourself, what support/outlet does he have? From your posts you detail years of trauma and struggles, being the support isn’t any easier than being the person primarily struggling.

counselling is the obvious go-to but it may be that recent years have taken their toll and your relationship simply hasn’t survived. Make plans to call it a day and you can both move forward.

You might find some of your mental health issues get better when you're not constantly walking on eggshells to try and keep him happy.

conversely he might find his mood is better if he isn't having to work around OPs MH issues? I think that it is a good thing that we are all now focussing more on MH and looking after ourselves in that respect. But i also think, that like with physical illnesses, we need to take more care of the carers. I am not hopeful, given how hard carers work with so little in terms of help, understanding and resources i am not expecting much to change here.

and maybe he is a gaslighting manipulative twat who is trying to get control of the house and children, but maybe the whole set-up should be looked at: OP working less, DH working more, childminders/au pair/nanny etc etc to see where compromises and changes could be made to make everyone happier overall?

(threads like this are the ones that make everyone get all excited about how much MN hates men. If the situation were reversed, the partner in this situation would be getting a lot more sympathy, i think, about how much they are doing to support someone with health/MH issues)

A other vote for couples therapy if you can persuade him to go.

just to put another perspective across…

not saying he’s handling this right at all - but doing all pick ups and drop offs as well as working is a lot. Does he work part time or full time?

I am also the one with ‘more flexible working hours’ but I do get very resentful that it all falls to me just because of this - I would love to just go to work and come back again sometimes without always being on a deadline and it makes excelling at work very difficult.

he obviously is trying to help you by giving you a lie in and taking his kids out for the day so you can have a break (do you do the same for him?) but there seems to be a lot of resentment there that’s he’s finding it difficult to express is a constructive way so it comes out in rages when his inhibitions are lowered (I can also relate!)

if leaving him would make you happier then definitely do explore it. But sounds like he’s giving you a cry for help - maybe you could explore that?

as I say I may be off the mark but after 25 years and the fact you love him it’s unlikely he’s an awful person.

Is it sleep apnea OP and are you getting treated for it yet? I have that, wake in the night, can't drive, absolutely exhausted and my DH has picked up the slack without complaint for the entire 20+ years I've known him, because he's not an arse.

He sounds dreadful. I wouldn't trust him. He's a bully. Don't let him reduce his hours.

He is an emotionally abusive prick who is gas lighting you. make him leave.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like he might have picked up a lot of slack, particularly during your episodes of depression and anxiety. He’s at the end of his tether, and he now resents the life he has with you, but it’s coming out in an aggressive way. It’s really hard living with someone who has MH issues, when it does feel like you’re doing most of the home stuff and child care. It sounds like you both need to be kind to each other, and part ways, because the situation is now toxic. It also sounds like you might struggle alone to look after the home and raise the DCs, so maybe 50/50 split with the DCs might work better for you.

@Fladdermus yes it is sleep apnoea. Just recently diagnosed after years of feeling exhausted for no reason. It's terrible.

Have you started using a CPAP machine yet? I was treated for depression and anxiety for 15 years before I got my diagnosis. All of my mental health issues disappeared over night once treatment for sleep apnea started. Turned out there was nothing wrong with my mental health, I was just absolutely totally fucking knackered.

You have my deepest sympathies. Sleep apnea means you're effectively living without sleep and if yourDH doesn't comprehend that this is torturous for you then he's and arse. I'd like to see anyone 'pulling the weight' with sound mental health if they were being woken up every 5 minutes, all night, every night, for years on end.

Id divorce him now before he reduced his hours to make himself the main carer for the DC. Because you can't prevent him doing this unless you divorce him before it happens. He's trying to push you out OP. It's over, he doesn't respect you and without respect there's nothing left.