Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to accept the money

64 replies

Gruzzpuzz · 15/10/2022 11:13

MIL is moving in with her BF who she has been with for 7 years. She is a pensioner in sheltered council accommodation and he is a widow with his own home. A large flat has suddenly become available in their building and so he is moving in (with very low rent) and selling his house so they can have a lovely retirement.

We have heard from MIL that his children (both married with their own children) are upset at their inheritance being spent so he is giving them some money (I don’t know how much). I don’t know much about them but from other non money-related stories (heard second-hand) at least one of them is selfish and entitled.

MIL has just’ confessed’ to DH that she has a little money saved and in the interests of honesty and equity she’d like to give DH and his sister £2,000 each.

We are very comfortable but not ‘well off’ - we have just agreed a sale on a house with a huge mortgage and the ‘mini budget’ has cost us about 6k a year from the expired mortgage in principle we got at the beginning of sept and are facing 2 years of tight purse strings. SIL is greedy, entitled and tight and will definitely accept the money. Her and her DH have good jobs and a nice house and summer holidays to Florida but they are slightly obsessed with how much we earn and think we are loaded - it’s mostly a north/south thing but it’s also because we are generous with MIL (they never so much as buy her a cup of tea because they are always ‘broke’ saving for eg a new car).

AIBU to accept the money given that 3 other children are accepting money? We have already said no but MIL is insisting; she wants us to buy something big for the house with it. I have to say it will be very welcome but I feel really uncomfortable at the prospect. We have already suggested giving it to DD into a savings account but she said she would rather buy something - she suggests a piano for DD but I will get huge benefit from this and we would probably buy one anyway.

OP posts:
cutthelawn · 15/10/2022 11:24

I'd take it but the bigger issue here is that mil's partmer is selling his house for a rental. Sounds like utter madness to me especially if he's closer to old age which I assume he is.

cutthelawn · 15/10/2022 11:27

Also can I add that unless he's very financially secure he shouldn't be giving his kids their inheritance now as god knows what will happen. Also if he dies or they break up where will your mil live?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/10/2022 11:34

None of our business, but I’m surprised he’s not renting out his house and using the income to fund the shared rental.

Accept the money, buy the piano. Continue to treat MIL when you see her.

deathofthesnark · 15/10/2022 11:39

cutthelawn · 15/10/2022 11:24

I'd take it but the bigger issue here is that mil's partmer is selling his house for a rental. Sounds like utter madness to me especially if he's closer to old age which I assume he is.

Why, let him enjoy the money from the house sale!

SherwoodForest · 15/10/2022 11:42

I'm amazed that the partner can move into sheltered Council accommodation when he is a home owner. This seems wrong when there is such a shortage of social housing.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/10/2022 11:45

Your MIL has pretty meagre savings which she needs to keep for herself. She can’t let herself become reliant on a partner and his money. I wouldn’t accept and I’d be honest why.

Princessglittery · 15/10/2022 11:49

@Gruzzpuzz I would be your DH in this scenario. Accept the £2k but put it in savings so MIL can have it back if she needs it.

Ekátn · 15/10/2022 11:52

No I absolutely wouldn’t accept it and point out to mil how vulnerable she will be should they split.

She doesn’t need to give anyone money, because he is giving his own kids some. And your dh should be deciding.

I would refrain from judging his kids. The stories are second hand. and it’s amazing that you imply (or sometimes say outright) that everyone is grabby. And yet you want to money just because. But that’s ok.

Can’t say I would be excited at the thought of my dad selling the home he shared with my mum to move in with someone else. I get no one is entitled to inheritance. But not many people would be happy with their remaining parent potentially spending the money that should have been their inheritance on their partner. Or often that happens is the new partner inherits it and give it to their own kids.

Inheritance planning should always be part of these decisions

notputtingtheheatingon · 15/10/2022 11:58

Your MIL sounds really lovely and generous and my guess is, she wouldn't have offered unless she really wanted to do this for you. I'd go for the piano as it'll be educational but also in years to come when MIL is no longer here, it'll be 'the piano that Grandma got us'. You could even see if MIL would like you to get a little plaque put on it, with her love and best wishes.

Don't worry about the other children and their selfishness. I firmly believe that sooner or later, selfishness comes back to bite you! Just continue to help MIL out whenever you can.

maximist · 15/10/2022 12:00

Another thing to bear in mind is that if he gives away a substantial amount of money then needs any funding for care, they will probably look upon it as deprivation of assets.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/10/2022 12:10

This all sounds bonkers. They both need to speak with a financial advisor.

crowsfeet57 · 15/10/2022 12:11

I'm amazed that the partner can move into sheltered Council accommodation when he is a home owner. This seems wrong when there is such a shortage of social housing

Most areas don't have a shortage of sheltered accommodation.

HangOnToYourself · 15/10/2022 12:12

I think your MIL should keep her savings and I think you know that too or you wouldnt be trying so hard to justify taking her money by bringing up all these other "entitled" people. I think you should talk to her and explain what a vulnerable position they are leaving themselves in

Pemba · 15/10/2022 12:12

I am also amazed at your MIL's partner selling his house to move into council accommodation. It seems crazy, and I would be surprised if its even within the rules. This sheltered accommodation is supposed to be for people in housing need, not someone who already owns a home outright (I presume).

Why doesn't he buy a smaller property, sell his existing house? Then he would raise some cash (some of which could maybe go to his kids if they're in current need). Your MIL and him could stay over at each others more frequently, and each have their own base in case the relationship goes pear shaped. When he dies his kids would still inherit his place.

As for the £2000 gift from MIL, I don't know. Sounds like she has very little if this is such a big deal to her, but also sounds like she is influenced by what her DP is doing WRT his own DCs. Situation is not the same though. But if you think it will make her happy why not take it and buy the piano as you were going to anyway, but be prepared you might very well need to help her out financially in the future. I am sure you would be happy to do so, and it sounds like you'd manage that OK.

cutthelawn · 15/10/2022 12:16

Why, let him enjoy the money from the house sale

because he's giving up home security into entering the rental market, at any age this is risky but at an older age it is so much riskier. He could live for another 30 years, the sale from the house isn't going to last forever.

Original poster
Gruzzpuzz · 15/10/2022 12:19

Thanks for these replies. Lots of food for thought.Two important details that I really shouldn’t have left out:

They are getting married next year

She is registered disabled hence being in sheltered accommodation and he has a recent disability that has given him
huge mobility issues and is applying for a blue badge. I am also fairly sure he has a very good occupational pension (but she has nothing).

Sorry for the drip feed.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 15/10/2022 12:19

Invest it in an ISA for your daughter and give it to her when she has her own home.

cutthelawn · 15/10/2022 12:20

Why doesn't he buy a smaller property, sell his existing house

this a much safer and sensible option.

Shinyhappyperson22 · 15/10/2022 12:23

crowsfeet57 · 15/10/2022 12:11

I'm amazed that the partner can move into sheltered Council accommodation when he is a home owner. This seems wrong when there is such a shortage of social housing

Most areas don't have a shortage of sheltered accommodation.

They do! My dads been waiting ages.

JRHartly · 15/10/2022 12:27

What happens if MIL and her BF break up and he has to move out?

In his shoes i would get married first.

beachcitygirl · 15/10/2022 12:27

Ekátn · 15/10/2022 11:52

No I absolutely wouldn’t accept it and point out to mil how vulnerable she will be should they split.

She doesn’t need to give anyone money, because he is giving his own kids some. And your dh should be deciding.

I would refrain from judging his kids. The stories are second hand. and it’s amazing that you imply (or sometimes say outright) that everyone is grabby. And yet you want to money just because. But that’s ok.

Can’t say I would be excited at the thought of my dad selling the home he shared with my mum to move in with someone else. I get no one is entitled to inheritance. But not many people would be happy with their remaining parent potentially spending the money that should have been their inheritance on their partner. Or often that happens is the new partner inherits it and give it to their own kids.

Inheritance planning should always be part of these decisions

You come
Over SO horrifically grabby. Why on earth should any parent save money so their children can inherit? Why shouldn't they spend it on themselves and their partner.
It's their money.

Not enough vomit in the world for this type of entitlement.

OP take the money and put it in a savings account for mil in case she needs it back. Don't try & judge her or rain on her happiness. Her and her new partner have found love & happiness in their old age.

What a joy!

JRHartly · 15/10/2022 12:28

And yes, take the money but keep it aside in case MIL needs money down the line. Don’t tell anyone it’s being saved.

cutthelawn · 15/10/2022 12:34

*You come
Over SO horrifically grabby. Why on earth should any parent save money so their children can inherit? Why shouldn't they spend it on themselves and their partner.
It's their money.

Not enough vomit in the world for this type of entitlement*

I see what you are saying but at the same time I do see the other poster's view. How many threads on mn have we seen where the ops parent remarries, died soon after and the widow/widower inherits the whole estate and it goes to their children?

It hardly seems fair now especially in this day and age when so many relay on inheritance to get on the elusive housing ladder.

Bryterlayter1 · 15/10/2022 12:42

It does make me sad that people feel they need to make life decisions based on leaving an inheritance. I sincerely hope my parents (who are retired) make their life decisions based on maximising their happiness and comfort in retirement, not on how much they will leave me and my siblings.

hellcatspangle · 15/10/2022 12:43

Most areas don't have a shortage of sheltered accommodation.

They may not, but here you have to have less than 16k in savings to qualify for the low rent, so I'm not sure whether the OP's "FIL" has looked into it properly. Why should he sit on the proceeds of a house sale and get a subsidised rent?