AIBU to accept the money

[Gruzzpuzz]

MIL is moving in with her BF who she has been with for 7 years. She is a pensioner in sheltered council accommodation and he is a widow with his own home. A large flat has suddenly become available in their building and so he is moving in (with very low rent) and selling his house so they can have a lovely retirement.

We have heard from MIL that his children (both married with their own children) are upset at their inheritance being spent so he is giving them some money (I don’t know how much). I don’t know much about them but from other non money-related stories (heard second-hand) at least one of them is selfish and entitled.

MIL has just’ confessed’ to DH that she has a little money saved and in the interests of honesty and equity she’d like to give DH and his sister £2,000 each.

We are very comfortable but not ‘well off’ - we have just agreed a sale on a house with a huge mortgage and the ‘mini budget’ has cost us about 6k a year from the expired mortgage in principle we got at the beginning of sept and are facing 2 years of tight purse strings. SIL is greedy, entitled and tight and will definitely accept the money. Her and her DH have good jobs and a nice house and summer holidays to Florida but they are slightly obsessed with how much we earn and think we are loaded - it’s mostly a north/south thing but it’s also because we are generous with MIL (they never so much as buy her a cup of tea because they are always ‘broke’ saving for eg a new car).

AIBU to accept the money given that 3 other children are accepting money? We have already said no but MIL is insisting; she wants us to buy something big for the house with it. I have to say it will be very welcome but I feel really uncomfortable at the prospect. We have already suggested giving it to DD into a savings account but she said she would rather buy something - she suggests a piano for DD but I will get huge benefit from this and we would probably buy one anyway.

Is it a rental or is he buying the flat? My gran had a flat in a semi sheltered accommodation complex, some were owned some were council

Just because he is giving his own kids money doesn't mean that she should feel obliged to.

I wouldn't accept it.

Oh no! Someone on MN, who I don’t know and doesn’t like my opinion thinks I am grabby.

Not enough vomit in world for this type of ridiculousness.

I get that in MN everyone like to pretend that inheritance has no emotions attached to it. And everyone should just smile and be happy about whatever someone decides. But it absolutely does have emotion attached to it. Disinheriting someone always has a big fallout. Like it or not, lots of people would feel bad if their parent disinherited them. It’s silly pretend that it doesn’t. There’s a reason that abusive parents disinherit the child or children that they are as the black sheep. Because they know there would be emotion attached to it.

I didn’t say someone could NOT spend their money how they wished. But no I wouldn’t be impressed if everything my parents built during their life time, went to dads girlfriends adult children instead. Which is what happens a lot. You can accept someone’s decision (you don’t have much choice) but also be unhappy about it. Why pretend you can’t?

Thankfully, my dad agrees with me. He also agrees with the complication of emotion being tied to inheritance. He wouldn’t disinherit my brother, even though he has been a shit and I wouldn’t go along with it, even though I would gain. I would give my brother half anyway. That’s not grabby, is it?

It applies in my own life. My kids get everything (bar some sizeable charity donations) upon my death. Dp is aware. If I die, he could leave everything I built before I met him to someone else’s kids. Not happening. Again, dp agrees with this.

We can all pretend there’s no emotion attached to money. But there is. Like the threads where we have where a parent financially helps out one adult child more than other. Either with time or money. We all know people can spend their time or money how they want. It doesn’t mean other people wouldn’t be hurt by it.

I think suggesting the Op takes the money and looks after it for the mil, like the mil is a child is also vomit inducing. But there you go.

I'm sorry but I think in a case where one parent has died it is acceptable to expect, unless clearly told otherwise by the deceased parent in the will etc, that the surviving spouse will try to pass on that section of the inheritance - if it's left after care fees etc. If I die first I would expect my husband to pass on my half of he's able to do so. I'd be pissed in the extreme if he married again and my children saw nothing of my own money, The money is generally left to the surviving spouse so they are not kicked out of the house etc.

You could accept it but make it clear to MIL that at any point in the future that she needs £2,000, you will repay her. I’d be concerned by her giving up her secure accommodation, I must admit.

She can’t give you a gift and tell you what to spend it on, though. So if you don’t want to buy a piano, don’t.

Another one here saying take an "if you insist" attitude to the money from MiL but then pop it in the best savings account you can and keep it in case either you're so desperate you unequivocally need it or she needs it.
Pianos need regular tuning and are a bugger to move so think carefully about that! There's a reason used ones can be got starting at "please just take it!"...

@Ekátn

In NO part of my post did I say a child should be disinherited. That's horrid.

I DO think that the person who made the money is entitled to spend it, every last penny of it.

Having a wonderful retirement on themselves & their partner. Enjoy every minute of their remaining life in comfort and luxury and enjoyment if possible. Turn that heating up, book the cruise etc

If there is money left it should go to children, but no parent is under any obligation to do
So unless making arrangements for a minor)

So so so so many people rubbing their hands in glee waiting till their parents pop off or begrudging their every holiday they have or nice car they buy waiting for "their inheritance"

Disinheriting either to a new wife/their kids or a sibling etc is an altogether and emotionally damaging issue.

Which I didn't mention & neither did OP.

Tell her thanks and do something nice with DD. Go on holiday with her so MIL can see her granddaughters enjoying the gift in photos. She wants you to have it. As a mum of 3 I wouldn't be comfortable giving one adult DC and not the rest as it's unfair unless it was got something like IVF the others didn't need or medical treatment but I would hope my kids would understand that.

He is selling a house so has money to give his dc. In what possible universe does this mean your MIL should give her dc any money. She hasn't got much to start with. He is financing their entire future. If she really wants to be fair she would keep her money and use it to contribute to their living. Sheesh. She's the complete opposite of being fair. She's being a complete leech

Then you entire, ridiculous, first reply to me was pointless then and you didn’t read what I actually posted.

I didn’t say op talked about people being disinherited. I was talking about her assumption that one of his kids is grabby and the second hand stories that don’t make them seem money orientates and their concern over their inheritance.

It’s a common concern. And understandable.

You have no idea how many people are rubbing their hands over inheritance at all. Unless you know people personally, You have no idea of peoples motivation in these situations.

Again, I didn’t say anyone CAN’T spend their money how they wish. And I never said anyone can’t enjoy their life. However, to pretend no one should have an emotion attached to it is unrealistic.

Don't know who these ghastly people are that you know who are gleefully waiting for their parents to die. Maybe you ought to go find some nicer friends.

@Ekátn

Emotion - yes
Expectation - No

@Ekátn your words previously

"Can’t say I would be excited at the thought of my dad selling the home he shared with my mum to move in with someone else. I get no one is entitled to inheritance. But not many people would be happy with their remaining parent potentially spending the money that should have been their inheritance on their partner"

you said it yourself - you would rather your dad be alone than your expected inheritance be spent by him enjoying himself if he found love again.

I speak as I find. And I find grabby in you.

@pocketvenuss

It's a common thing on here to expect inheritance and to be cross if a parent wants to remarry. I know no one that vile in real life (thankfully)

Oh and if my other half's adult kids plan on an inheritance they'll be sorely sorely disappointed- him and I will be spending every damm penny enjoying ourselves.
But I know them well enough to know they're not grabby. Thank god.

Hmmm no I didn’t. Notice how you left the very relevant last sentence off the bit you quoted.

I said I would not be happy with him selling the house he shared with my mother to spend on a new woman. Didn’t say I would try and stop him. And a lot of that emotional. Not even financial.

However, in our family both my parents talked to us openly about what happens if one dies and what they want and both parents were in agreement. That nothing would pass to a new spouse or their children. Just like I won’t be passing on my assets to my new partner His children.

and, weirdly, both me and dad can afford to enjoy life with a partner without draining our assets. He has a partner and we have discussed it at length. His girlfriend also wants her assets for her kids.

And where did I say I would rather he be alone? Again, not being happy about it doesn’t mean I would rather he be alone.

You read a load of crap into my post that wasn’t there. Then tried to pretend you were some paragon of virtue. You, apparently, think in black and white. The world is many shade of grey.

You don’t speak as you find. You find, add a load of bits, take bits out in that you think you can attack because it makes you feel better. it’s a bit odd really

@Ekátn she’s like on this every thread I’ve seen her on.

I’m not sure why pp are commenting on his decision to sell up and move into sheltered accommodation. He is an adult. Just because he is old doesn’t mean he can’t decide what he wants to do with his finances. He can make his own decision and it sounds like it will be a good idea if he is already struggling with mobility. I would accept the money. She wants you to have it and it will make her happy to see you buy something special.

I was under the impression that lots of council won't let people move into these places if they have in excess of a certain amount of money ! Maybe that's why he is giving it away. I remember one of my clients wanting to do this and the council wouldn't let her as she had more than 50k from the sale of her home. My great aunt did this years ago though, sold her terrace house to my brother at well below market value, moved to a council bungalow then used the equity on numerous trips to Canada.

I'd be worried what happens if they split? One of them has no home to go to and no savings left ? what happens if they need to pay for care and all the money has been given away. Health can change very quickly.

I wouldn't accept it. She needs it more than you do.

Take the money buy the piano or something else she suggested/ helped pick and let her enjoy seeing you and your family enjoy her gift.

I always refuse money from my mother until she pointed this out to me ( I still feel bad taking it though)

I’m not sure why pp are commenting on his decision to sell up and move into sheltered accommodation. He is an adult. Just because he is old doesn’t mean he can’t decide what he wants to do with his finances. He can make his own decision and it sounds like it will be a good idea if he is already struggling with mobility

because renting in old age can put one in a perilous and vulnerable position, the fact he is disabled even more so. You are much more stable in your own property always especially in old age or in bad health than be at at the mercy of landlord or other authority who could toss you to the streets at any time really. People are pointing it out to the op because so many people are completely oblivious to this and are bad at making safe financial decisions.

Just read other threads here and you will see how oblivious people are when making decisions like this. Another thread has an op's husband wanting to rent the family homer out as he thinks it's an easy way to make money and a free pension when many others pointed out how it wasn't and pointed out the financial realities and pitfalls of it that even the op seemed to be oblivious of.

Lots of older people in this part of the country own homes that wouldn't raise enough to buy a retirement apartment and certainly not a bungalow. I feel if they have a need to move to sheltered housing they should be given the opportunity. They may never have earned much, not all owner occupiers are wealthy.

Update:
DH spoke to MIL last night and said she should keep the money because we didn’t need it. But things have moved on - she has already transferred the money to SIL and has told DH that whatever we say she now has to give us our money otherwise it’s not fair. She has DH’s bank account and is sending the money over.

She is transfixed with the idea of the piano so we said we would buy this.

She is a lovely, lovely woman and would literally give her last fiver away; this incident is one in a long history of her spending too much on us and our DD which we have to manage carefully because she adores buying presents and we don’t want to be ungrateful.

We are going to treat them both to a big night out this Christmas and will absolutely look after either / both of them if and when the time comes.

Thanks for your opinions; I had a feeling we would end up here and it’s good to know for the most part we aren’t being unreasonable. We also wouldn’t be here if SIL had done the right thing and said no but that’s a different matter.

no I absolutely wouldn’t be taking 2k from a pensioner, I’m surprised you’re even considering it

We also wouldn’t be here if SIL had done the right thing and said no but that’s a different matter

are you kidding?! the cheek of saying SIL is wrong for taking the money when you were going to take it to buy a piano anyway! Even if she took it, you don’t have to!

Leave the OP alone, she has done nothing wrong. The MIL insisted on them having the money, and to see them buying a piano will give her enormous pleasure.

Meanwhile the OP I am certain will quietly be setting aside that much and more to assist the MIL if and when she needs it in the future.

I think you are just one of those posters who likes to have a go at people. Did you enjoy it?