DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

[GoutFine]

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

I live in Westminter- 7 minutes walk from Westminster Abbey
20 mins from piccadilly circus through the park

If you are going central then it needs to be central.
I would say between Tower Bridge and Vauxhall Bridge Road- if north or the river and no further back than Russell Square.
South of the river- Tower Bridge to Nine Elms but no more than 0.25 miles back from the river (some exceptions but broadly)

The rest is suburbia to me.

@balalake tell me you don't spend much time in London without telling me etc etc etc...

Having a small London flat means almost no housework, no maintenance, no gardening. Living costs can be cheaper, travel certainly is, food is the same, lots of entertainment is free.

I'm with you. We have a fairly large house and a garden with a pool and tennis court. Exactly the kind of place I dreamed of. Except the cost and effort of maintaining it grinds you down (I'm not being ungrateful, I know we're lucky to be able to afford it). My husband said the other week that if he made a list of jobs that need doing, he wouldn't get them finished in 10 years.

We're also 30 minutes on the tube and train to Baker Street. But it's not the same as living in the heart of a city as you know you have to get home. We've been looking at flats in Marylebone where we used to live before we had kids and moved out. I've started to spend more time up there seeing friends and I'm really enjoying it.

That said, I notice the difference in air quality as soon as I get off the tube (and that's saying something given I live near the M25). As someone said, city life is fairly focused on going out and it can become quite expensive. Plus the cost of housing, service charge and a decreasing lease. The flats we've looked at have fallen by 15-20% over the last 5 years which is a less attractive investment than other properties.

It's a big step.

@GoutFine Unless I have missed it, and apologies if I have, why won't you answer the questions about affordability?

Yes am also wondering why. No point answering without knowing tbh as it affects the variables so much.

People who say London is all noise, just don't know London. They go to Leicester Square and a museum, queue for Madame Tussaud's or something and think that's it. "Ooooh the people, the traffic...."

Centrak London is full of quirky backstreets and hidden squares - many of which are actually quieter than your average suburban street. Or live near the Thames - with stunning views.

As someone is was recently orphaned (as a young adult) I’m planning to do a massive Swedish death clean and downsize the family house so they aren’t forced with the difficulty of selling it after I die 😩 it seems to accumulate even more emotion post-death

If you are going central then it needs to be central.

I would say between Tower Bridge and Vauxhall Bridge Road- if north or the river and no further back than Russell Square.

South of the river- Tower Bridge to Nine Elms but no more than 0.25 miles back from the river (some exceptions but broadly)

Agreed. I’d probably stretch north of Russell Square to Euston, and I’d discount Nine Elms as too far out, but otherwise yes. Anyone talking of a flat in Barnes may as well go back to live in Beaconsfield, in terms of accessibility.

I would live in Fitzrovia or Bloomsbury. Apart from the core roads, it’s often delightfully quiet and charming. I’d want £1m+ to get a 2-3 bed with a terrace or little courtyard though.

YANBU.

You love where you live, why should you give that up because he’s having a midlife crisis and wants to undo the decision he made 20 years ago?

London is very love it or hate it. I’m from London, I grew up there in a nice area with good transport and I hate it. Hate hate hate. The pollution, the crime, the smell of wee, the lack of community, the traffic, the constant sound of distant sirens… I moved to a beautiful village in the commuter countryside as soon as I could.

Tell him that the simple truth is this: you don’t want to. You understand that he does want to, but you do not feel the same way. You love your current home, and friends, and the area, this was never somewhere you came ‘just for the kids,’ you have put down roots and memories here that you don’t want to leave. He can argue with and even bully you, but that will never make you want what he wants.

Suggest he gets over himself and stops stropping “I want” like a toddler. In a marriage you have to both want a big change, or it doesn’t happen.

Bollocks, I lived there for 35 years and if you and your children haven’t been robbed/assaulted you’ve been lucky, that’s all. I’ve been mugged, groped, threatened with knives, offered numerous drugs as a child, burgled, had stones thrown at me and this was mostly in nice leafy suburban areas (apart from the knife thing that was on the tube). Also been in a many bomb scares, plus the actual 7/7 bombings nearly got me.

If you’ve been lucky there, then yay for you, but to dismiss London’s crime problems is ridiculous.

As for traffic 🤣🤣🤣 you try to drive from Monument to Belsize Park at 5pm on a weekday, let me know how you get on.

'Years he has sacrificed his happiness'? You mean raising his family? Poor man, how selfless of him.

Fwiw, I think the OP comes across as selfish, marriage is about give and take.
And why be so afraid of change?

@Sausagenbacon afraid of change, or just perfectly happy in the life I have now? Anyone who was happy where they are wouldn't most likely want to move house to downsize to an area they have no interest in living in. I wouldn't say that's a sign of being "afraid of change".

Affordability wise if we sold up we would have circa £1 million after stamp duty and fees etc, so in London zone 1 terms we wouldn't likely be able to get 3 bedrooms/ garden.

IF you have the money! Those hidden squares and/or Thames views don't come cheap. The OP hasn't mentioned budget so....

As for safety in London, I was burgled when I lived in Highgate and my flatmate was mugged when we lived in Hampstead. But 20 years of living in what would be considered a really rough (but well located!) part of Tower Hamlets and nothing has happened. Not a threat, not a drug offer, nada. Someone dented my car door in the car park at Canary Wharf, does that count?! 😂

No she's not. This isn't like who's turn it is to do the washing up.

Where you live has a huge impact on happiness and well being. It's a nightmare situation for them really, because neither of them are being unreasonable. The op is clear she'll be unhappy living in London, lots of people would be (as this thread shows). Equally, he is perfectly within his rights to miss living in London.

However, the op is very clear that no deal was made when they moved to the suburbs, or that there was any sort of transactional agreement made.

Personally I'm inclined to think this is a little like who gets final say on whether to have a child. The no trumps the yes.

Which leaves the question of what the impact of staying will have on her dh and their marriage.

Hopefully they'll find some middle ground, like others have suggested. Air bnb regularly in the city or 2 small properties to split their time in. If it weren't for the op's strong dislike of the noise and crowds of the city, I'd suggest city living with regular stays back to the suburbs too, but these things are like torture to those who can't cope with them and the impact of physical wellbeing far outweighs the marital compromise.

Ok so sorry if this is a drip feed but for context:

I have (albeit 18 years ago) lived in London in zones 2 and 3 and we lived there for 15 years. Initially when I was young I loved it but I became jaded with it and did have some bad experiences with crime and I hated the transport system and felt hemmed in among many other concerns. I'm not saying I hate London at all I just much prefer country life and I've always felt calmer and happier in a more rural environment. I do know and have experienced many years living in London.

I don't want this thread to descend into a "London vs Home Counties" debate as clearly everyone has personal preferences! It's just would you leave a home you loved to downsize to an area where you didn't know anyone and had lived previously and didn't like for the sake of your other half's happiness. Would you be able to make that sacrifice? That's what I'm weighing up!

And yes I love DH and our marriage is a priority.

But London is enormous, why not try a different area?

Or a different city?

I think a key part of the question op, is how much his happiness depends on moving?
You're prepared to consider it, but is he also prepared to accept the possibility of staying or has he essentially given you an ultimatum?

@Sausagenbacon zone 1 is central London with everything that comes with it. You can't compare any part of it to "non London". Are you suggesting there's a pocket of zone 1 that doesn't come with any of the good/ bad things people have mentioned about London on this thread?

It's just would you leave a home you loved to downsize to an area where you didn't know anyone and had lived previously and didn't like for the sake of your other half's happiness

I would. Actually I do like the area but all the rest applied. I wish it had been London … If you do a RM search on Kentish Town, you’ll find several properties matching your requirements. Other areas will produce many more.