Does anyone else ever think, where the fuck is the man I married?

[Sadandstressedallthetime]

When we got together he was a funny, relaxed, interested sort of guy. Didn’t stress about much, very accommodating.

Fast forward 7 years (we have a toddler now) he is miserable as sin.

Whinges constantly about money. Endlessly pessimistic. Everything is too much for him. If it’s outside of work, washing up, watching DD (and by this I just mean sitting watching TV with her) and dog walking - it’s an unreasonable ask. Every tiny thing turns into a huge drama. Every time he takes our toddler out she comes home in tears. He’s hopeless at keeping his cool, just gets cross every time she does something toddler-ish. No sense of humour any more. I dread his presence to be honest and dream of being a single mum in my own home. He’s turned into a miserable old git overnight.

The only thing that stops me leaving is this is a fairly recent thing, since the lockdowns. He works from home now and it just doesn’t suit him. It seems to have changed his personality entirely. So I guess there’s always the hope it will change back.

Just looking for solidarity. I’m so unhappy this evening.

What? Before he changed his job or found other ways to have the human interaction, daylight and activity levels that he's missing from being stuck in the house, rather than interacting with an entire office?

The other thing to do is not make the conversation about blaming him but about your own feelings about yourself/your own life and your desire for change. Basically you need to show that you're in control of your own happiness and therefore not good to take this shit anymore. He'll either take your happiness seriously and realise that he needs to change or he won't. If he won't, there's no point protecting that marriage anyway as he is simply not committing to his own vows.

I've been there too. I think in our case, XP seemed more chilled and fun pre-kids because I didn't make too many demands on him. Once we had a baby he went into a sulky shutdown. In his case, it wasn't depression, it was a protest against life with a child. I ended the relationship, my life improved MASSIVELY and over a decade on I am still marvelling over how nice it is not to be walking on eggshells and putting up with somebody's mood.

He then found a new partner, and the exact same thing happened with her. Some men are just crap partners and not cut out for family life.

I really resonate with this whole message. Since we have set up an office at home for him, still in the open plan area, he spends a lot of time there. He thinks he is with us as he is physically close, but he is not present.

He gets annoyed very easily, is snappy and quite selfish. He never shouts but his tone is contemptuous- as if everyone else is a bit of an idiot. He can be like this with others too= especially his family.

It really is very difficult to deal with - he tries to make blame for minscule things that really don't matter because we always have to 'learn'. Not sure I can be bothered with it anymore!

Wtf

Did we just return to the 1950s??

@ItsFineImFine I really related to what you wrote - it brought back some awful memories of trying to make it work with XP. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation and I can see how hard you are working to fix things. I am sure you know this, but you and your DD deserve so much better than somebody who is rude and unkind, shouts and swears, and doesn't care about you. I am pretty sure that life without him would be better in every possible way. FWIW, my XP actually coped much better with our DC after we had split up (he just had to get on with it with expecting me to do things for him) and they have a pretty good relationship now - certainly far better than if we had stayed together.

Working from home has done so much damage mentally to some people. Our neighbours pre covid friendly and reasonably sociable. Now with another two children he's awful. She is like a scared rabbit won't stop and talk. Her mother is the same we were chatting in the road, the front door opened he called his MIL in and she fled without a goodbye.

He's worked from since covid, prefers it. He's got his own Kingdom a wife and MIL running scared. Kids not allowed to socialise outside school. Refuse birthday parties. It's awful.

I've been through this type of stuff recently and told my DP we have to see a counselor. He said ok and has been very mindful of his behaviour since then (it wasn't a one-off, about twice weekly.) I said we could see a counselor together and then see if he should see someone for anger. I made sure to tell him this is for him as much as me and our children... He doesn't want to be miserable. Could you be very direct about how strong your feelings are and suggest some action?

Thanks everyone. I absolutely will not let this slide, it will be very serious chat time over the weekend. His parents are on holiday and they live a mile down the road so I will suggest he stays in their house for a few days to clear the air. Then when he is back we will talk. DD is the centre of my world, the optimum situation would be for DH to revert to being the man I fell in love with and keep our family together but it’s on him to show me he can do that. Night all x

@Michellexxx thank you for your message and I am sorry you are feeling the same.

I know exactly what you mean about tone I'll say what's the matter, and then he'll shout I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING and flounce off. Like you I can't really be bothered with it anymore there are good times but the days are punctured with snapping at each other but over absolutely nothing - emptying the dishwasher was one we had today ffs. Keep thinking I've got one life do I want this one 😔

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't really have any advice for you but just solidarity as I am living this too. My handsome, smiley, grounded and caring DH that I first met is MIA. He lost his dad last year not long after I had our DC1, and while I am full of sympathy for the enormity of what he has gone through, daily life with him is frankly unbearable. It's Friday night and rather than it being happy it's the weekend I am dreading spending time together because I don't know what mood he will be in. The other night he had an outburst that ended up with him punching the wall and swearing at me, all over something really silly like the way I was cooking a stew for our dinner. Like you, I have tried my best to support him. Suggested counseling. Encouraged him to socialise and play sport. Tried to talk to him. Never gets us anywhere. He just says I don't understand and that I am the cause of his mental health problems. He won't tell me how I can fix the situation, specifics of what I have done wrong in the relationship or what he wants from me. I'm sure our son is picking up on these weird and crappy vibes at home and I don't want him to grow up with this level of tension and anxiety at home. Why WHY do these men think it's ok to inflict so much suffering on everyone else in the family rather than actual OWN their emotions?!

Boarding school leaves them emotionally constipated. To the extent I think it takes actual brain surgery to correct, so is well beyond the capability and job description of the person left with the consequences years down the line, aka, the wife.

I know where mine went, he just took off apparently out of the blue after 30 years, but actually looking back he had been picky and horrible to live with for about a year before that. He'd always claim he was 'fine', everything was 'fine', pathetic because he would never talk to me about any problems he was clearly seething about, so in the end I just decided to take him at his word.

Now he idolises just one of our children and the other two he puts up with but makes them feel they aren't good / interesting enough; I know he loves them but he's changed so much he barely sees any of them really; he even flatly denies that he left! They love him but don't like him or respect him, and arsehole is the word they use about him. He constantly lies and has taken up with some vapid woman on the south coast, and is living with her and her 2 troubled kids.

He's daddy to this new family now, so geographically yes, I know exactly where he is, but I often 'wake up' and it is like it has only just happened all over again, wondering where the actual my gorgeous funny adoring husband went to, and despite how shitty he was towards the end, sometimes I struggle to believe that this has actually happened to us and our marriage. I've spent the last 10 years torturing myself about it and struggling to move on because with zero explanation I can't understand what happened so a large part of me constantly tells me that it must be my fault.

Don't be me, your kid is suffering now so put a time limit on it, talk to him about what he's doing to the family, and put everything you have into trying to sort him out with medical help, but if nothing improves, then leave and live again. Good luck x

Disgusting thing to suggest. You're seriously saying a woman should give men more sex in order for them to be pleasant human beings? Look at leaving your own husband if that's what you have going on

@Olinguita "Why WHY do these men think it's ok to inflict so much suffering on everyone else in the family rather than actual OWN their emotions?!"

I ask myself this same question because I truly regret marrying my husband who literally changed overnight to the point that I had no idea who I found myself married to but very aware that he was not the man I had dated for 2 years and been engaged to. As I've looked back the difference is shocking to me and if I am honest, somewhat terrifying.

For all of us in the same situation

So many messages that ring true here. I think COVID did far more damage than we realise. My husband is now also working from home full time. He rarely goes outside during the day and is now completely isolated.

He ended our marriage this week, and I'm desperately sad about it. As others have said, my wonderful, funny and kind husband has gone. I'm married to a stranger now.

@Rotherweird that is really kind and really interesting to know - thank you for taking the time to share, I’m constantly curious about how other people have managed through stuff like this so I appreciate the advice!

My DH had depression but it didn’t manifest itself as being grumpy and shouty, more like an inability to function. He got help and Citalopram sorted him so I got back the man I married.

@OnMyOwnSoSad 🌹for you. I hope you come out the other side with your mental health intact. This can be devastating.

I agree with the Covid effect. Something seems to have changed for the worse in so many men.

My husband has become emotionally detached and doesnt want to talk to me or DD. Like PP I am confused as well. There was no blazing argument, no definite disagreements. He just stepped back like a switch was turned off overnight. It's all very perplexing.

He has also dropped heavy hints about going our separate ways. I've said "well if you are feeling trapped in this marriage, YOU are free to walk away. I'm not stopping you. But I won't be the one to initiate a divorce".

Other people have mentioned this uphread but it probably bears repeating. Men really are reluctant to ask for a clean break. Many of them emotionally abuse their wives and partners until the women walk away in disgust. Such immature behaviour.

You must be married ro.my husband.
He is exactly the same..its all.too.much stress stress stress.
I love mine to go back to the office as he gets on my nerves working from home.
I.think mine is lonely as when he see people.for.a night out he's great.
Other than that he's just turning into his parents.

To the people suggesting throwing pills and forcing yourself to have more sex (wtf?!) shame on you.

The man's a prick OP. If he's "depressed" it's circumstantial and it's new circumstances he needs not vast quantities of fucking pharmaceuticals (how Americanised have we become?!) He needs a new job and a kick up the arse, otherwise tell him to fuck off making your lives miserable.

Awful for your toddler. I've seen this in action with my BIL - another hopeless father - it's awful to watch. He won't even put in the bare minimum to cajole my niece, just barks "NO" at her every little question. She's six now and has zero time for her father, which he has the audacity to be offended by. Your DH will regret it.

My dad did this, although thankfully when his children were older. A grown man stropping and huffing around like Kevin the Teenager. Made everybody’s lives a misery for years.

We all got so focused on how to manage him and how to phrase the exact perfect way to get him to see a doctor that I think we lost sight of the bigger picture, which was that he was horrible to all of us and then resented us for reacting with anything other then sympathy for how cruel the world was to him. (Not to us. Only to him, in his view.) Looking back now I wish my mum had just told him to get out.

My OH was badly affected by lockdown. Thankfully he bought an electric bike which meant he could follow the rulz and still escape. His health improved too. He's kept up the bike, gone back to his fishing we're back in calm waters.

I'm quite happy in my own company but appreciate the loss of social interaction has harmed society greatly

Hes checked out. Dont bargain with him for scraps. Hes either with you or hes not.

Yes. My husband is always miserable and grumpy. Basically complains that anything outside of work is too difficult and stamps his feet. Tonight he said all he does is work and babysit. I pointed out that it's not babysitting, he's his bloody child. And he said 'well I spend too much one on one time.' So basically, I'm forced to parent when it should be all you.

Don't know what the answer to miserable git syndrome is other than divorce.