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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else ever think, where the fuck is the man I married?

99 replies

Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 17:55

When we got together he was a funny, relaxed, interested sort of guy. Didn’t stress about much, very accommodating.

Fast forward 7 years (we have a toddler now) he is miserable as sin.

Whinges constantly about money. Endlessly pessimistic. Everything is too much for him. If it’s outside of work, washing up, watching DD (and by this I just mean sitting watching TV with her) and dog walking - it’s an unreasonable ask. Every tiny thing turns into a huge drama. Every time he takes our toddler out she comes home in tears. He’s hopeless at keeping his cool, just gets cross every time she does something toddler-ish. No sense of humour any more. I dread his presence to be honest and dream of being a single mum in my own home. He’s turned into a miserable old git overnight.

The only thing that stops me leaving is this is a fairly recent thing, since the lockdowns. He works from home now and it just doesn’t suit him. It seems to have changed his personality entirely. So I guess there’s always the hope it will change back.

Just looking for solidarity. I’m so unhappy this evening.

OP posts:
EricNorthmanYesPlease · 14/10/2022 18:42

I'd book him 2 nights in a B and b, say that you need your space as you need to decide whether you want to continue in this marriage. When minding his own child is a problem, you've got severe issues. He then has the head space too to realise you are serious, and can think about what he needs/wants to do next.
Spell out the options - GP and medication, New job or he loses both of you.

Original poster
Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 18:44

I think you’re right @Daleksatemyshed it I don’t talk to him ASAP the atmosphere in this house will just lead to an enormous argument. I will leave if I have to, luckily I kept my powder dry so financially etc I would be absolutely fine.

OP posts:
ihatesteve · 14/10/2022 18:46

I would tell him you want a divorce op. His behaviour is unacceptable. If that doesnt make him sort himsef out nothing will.

KM99 · 14/10/2022 18:46

It sounds very much like depression. Whatever it is, you don't deserve to be on the receiving end.

He won't talk, well it's time he listens. I'd be laying out cold, hard facts for him. You've tried to support him, to talk to him but he's not cooperating. It's making you unhappy and impacting your child.

PortiasBiscuit · 14/10/2022 18:46

I think he’s in Seattle.. home on Sunday!

inheritanceshiteagain · 14/10/2022 18:50

Would he get an alternative job which means mixing with colleagues?

ThisWormHasTurned · 14/10/2022 18:52

Mine was like this, even on antidepressants. I begged him to speak to his GP about changing meds, to get counselling. He was content in his misery. I came to realise that some of this behaviour was actually a form of control, and poor DD was part of it all.

I ended it in the end. Just couldn’t bear it any more. Funnily enough, since we split he’s got medical treatment and had counselling. He’s still miserable though. It’s been a few months and he announced he had a new girlfriend, my first thought (okay after “I knew it!”) was Oh good, he’s got someone else to moan to now! Last night I was settling DD for bed, we play a game where one tries to keep a straight face and the other tries to make them laugh. We were in stitches and I realised how far we’d come…I’m so much happier. I listen to music and sing all the time. I’ve lost two stone (not stress eating). Got a new job. Started dating..9 months down the line, has it been tough? Yes. I’ve had to learn to adult independently (I’m neuro-diverse) and it’s been tight financially. But I’m happier, DD is happier. I have no regrets.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/10/2022 18:53

The biggest issue with this is much like alcoholics (bear with me here), is the person won't change, get help unless they want to of their own volition. They know how they are affecting their loved ones and as much as they might want to 'change' only they have the power of will. I think at some point you need to think about where you draw the line. Perhaps he just hasn't yet reached rock bottom but it's absolutely terrible for your toddler to have to endure this.

babba2014 · 14/10/2022 18:54

This is modern life.
People are not equipped to be parents but will happily play for hours doing online gaming.
It's messed up.
Being a parent is hard, everything changes, for many it takes time to adjust, I get that but there gets to a point where we need to nor traumatise our kids with our bad moods.
We all have to work at it. He needs to sit down and press the reset button. No gaming unless he's dealt with being an actual parent, otherwise why did he bring her to the world?
No judgement. He just really needs to reset.

whatstheteamarie · 14/10/2022 18:56

Ask him to leave for the weekend.

Say you can't bear the thought of any more time with him and his moods upsetting you and your daughter and that he needs to pack a bag and go.

Stay firm. Tell him no communication over the weekend, no calls, no texts, no visits.

He needs to see what his life would be like without the two of you (& explain to others how his constant anger has caused you to kick him out) if that doesn't shake him up enough to mend his ways nothing will and you can just head straight to divorce.

DeePlume · 14/10/2022 18:57

This happened to my and my ex. I see him with his new wife and he's like the man I met all those years ago. I think they just get bogged down with life and don't know how to get out of it!

6poundshower · 14/10/2022 19:01

Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 18:33

Just asked him to watch Dd for a minute (and i
mean a minute!) while I did something urgent, after calling through to him I heard a crash in the next room where he’d clearly slammed something down or thrown something. Then heard swearing. He then stamped into the room and slammed the baby gate. This is the level of miserable I’m dealing with. I hate him right now.

This is abusive

Blossomtoes · 14/10/2022 19:03

VladmirsPoutine · 14/10/2022 18:53

The biggest issue with this is much like alcoholics (bear with me here), is the person won't change, get help unless they want to of their own volition. They know how they are affecting their loved ones and as much as they might want to 'change' only they have the power of will. I think at some point you need to think about where you draw the line. Perhaps he just hasn't yet reached rock bottom but it's absolutely terrible for your toddler to have to endure this.

This. I now have the man I married back after he acknowledged and addressed his alcoholism. I was on the cusp of leaving after 20+ years.

Nothing you say will make an iota of difference @Sadandstressedallthetime. The only person who can change him is him.

BattenburgDonkey · 14/10/2022 19:07

Honestly OP it sounds like time to separate, you quite rightly don’t like him, and it really sounds as though he doesn’t like you either. What are any of you getting out of this? He isn’t willing to change so why extend it? I sympathise OP, it sounds crap.

Changer25 · 14/10/2022 19:07

This was me. H eventually went to stay with parents . . . And never came home. He was / is depressed but despite me spending a huge amount of time & effort trying to get him to speak out he refused. So now we are separated, he regrets it all but still hasn’t got help. It’s all very sad but you can’t force someone to change.

Specialagentblond · 14/10/2022 19:13

You've exactly described my husband. He has other bigger issues too. Maybe your partner does too. Dig deeper. Is he in debt, gambling, being blackmailed?? Or just emotionally bankrupt?

neverbeenskiing · 14/10/2022 19:24

I used to be exactly like your DH for 10 days out of every month as I have PMDD. I must have been hell to live with and I feel quite ashamed looking back. I know it's an odd comparison but bare with me, OP! The thing is, I submitted to several different types of medication (trial and error), therapy, and eventually monthly injections to plunge me into chemically induced menopause in my mid 30's when I realised how bad things had gotten. None of that was fun but I did it willingly not just for myself, but for my DH and our DC. Your DH does sound depressed, but if he isn't willing to take responsibility for his health and get help with that then why should his loved ones have to suffer the consequences? In your shoes I would make one last-ditch attempt to impress upon him that there is help out there and you will do whatever you can to facilitate it, but he has to try for the sake of his family and himself. If that fails, I would seriously consider ending the relationship. The current situation clearly isn't working for any of you.

Cruisebabe1 · 14/10/2022 19:29

ihatesteve · 14/10/2022 18:46

I would tell him you want a divorce op. His behaviour is unacceptable. If that doesnt make him sort himsef out nothing will.

This. His behaviour is unacceptable,I was an unwitting witness to a home situation like this, many decades ago. Mother was always hoping things would get better. I wouldn’t want the same for you and your little girl. Sending hugs 🤗 to you.

Arewerelated · 14/10/2022 19:35

My exh ended up like this. Some men just turn grumpy!
He felt like he had been short changed in life for some reason, despite having a lovely dd and a wife that loved him.
Just slowly became bossy, short tempered, joyless.. only time he seemed happy would be when he was criticising someone else 🙃
It was when he started stomping off and being shitty with me that I actually thought no fucked this and left him.
Hes moved on and has a really nice partner but I do wonder how long it will last.

Original poster
Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 19:43

@Arewerelated i do wonder if that’s got something to do with it. He’s unfailingly happy and cheerful around his friends and I sense a lot of envy of some of them sometimes. Not sure why, but he seems to revere the things they do and want to copy them.

OP posts:
ItsFineImFine · 14/10/2022 19:46

I never post but had to.

This is my husband, you are not alone. We’ve been together 15 years and are early 40s, both WFH in professional jobs.

Ive helped him ( read: forced him kicking and screaming) to try everything except medication - his therapist said he didn’t need it despite my best attempts. What I’ve learnt is

  • he’s not happy with the situation either - it’s genuinely out of his control ( a bit like an alcoholic doesn’t want to be an alcoholic I guess)
  • weekends away in a relaxing hotel by himself didn’t work
  • week away with friends without us didn’t help
  • therapy doesn’t seem to have helped per se but it has helped to understand what’s going on a little more - like one of the other posters we discovered there were some issues under the surface that needed attention - nothing horrific but just stuff he needs to work through
  • Doing couples counselling now and it seems to be working more than individual therapy did but only a few weeks in
  • he has become very selfish as it relates to me - he honestly doesn’t care about anything going on with me all he cares about is himself and our DD. I could be in a meeting WFH and he would start slamming doors and shouting that I needed to get off the phone over some minor issue like he can’t find his keys. Any problem I might have he doesn’t want to hear.
  • he gets strung out with our DD also a toddler and will shout and swear but at me not her - as if whatever the minor issue is is somehow my fault. For me this is the hardest thing.
  • he says horrible mean things to me and blinks at me in surprise when I try to tell him it has hurt my feelings
  • he had become hypocritical. I bought him a gift and cake for his birthday and a card - and was told end of the day and for days after I made no effort and he was genuinely really upset. My birthday … no present no card but tea in bed.
  • my poor friends are sick of hearing about it and our problems
  • It’s been going on 2 years
  • He will stay up late pretending to work and watching tv etc
  • I don’t let him come places with us now unless he commits ahead of time to being pleasant as he finds leaving the house stressful now - it doesn’t work but it dials down the stress a bit as it is a conscious choice
  • if I get a sense he is stressed or tired I try to hit stop button and say “why don’t you not come today to lunch with friends” or “ let’s not cook, pizza” and try to reduce the stress of anything that day as it feels like he cannot communicate “I’m really stressed today” and I have to keep an eye out.
  • What I would say is going into the office really helps - he doesn’t love to but it really helps.
  • He also now has days and periods where he tries really hard - does lots but is still rude and unkind. I can see him trying and I can also see how hard it is for him - it’s genuinely a struggle for him.

i don’t have a good answer I just wanted you to know you weren’t alone as I often feel really alone. I suspect depression and it coincides with having a baby and covid so I agree with many other posters.

the other thing I would say is: fill your cup. Try to plan ahead on nice treats for yourself where you can. Try to get family over if that’s an option so he is forced to behave at home.

im sorry.

InsomniacVampire · 14/10/2022 19:48

We are married to the same man!

caringcarer · 14/10/2022 19:58

My dh has changed due to ill health. He had a brain tumour. It is removed now but he is tired a lot, falls asleep in chair most evenings and goes to bed early. He is not bad tempered, still has sense of humour and is caring and loving but life has changed for us as a result of his health. I'm just grateful he is still with me though.

happy66 · 14/10/2022 19:58

Aw poor you. I would say to him we NEED couples counselling as I can’t go on like this anymore.

Make it clear: something needs to change. Either couples counselling else you cannot see the relationship lasting much longer.

jeaux90 · 14/10/2022 20:00

OP I'm a lone parent, I'm lucky because I have a good career etc.

You said you are financially ok so WTF are you putting up with this shit for. It's like he wants you to break. Because honestly, anyone that behaves like this who won't get help (if he is depressed) needs a boot up the arse in the form of a divorce.

Your DD probably wonders when scary daddy is coming out the office next.