Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else ever think, where the fuck is the man I married?

99 replies

Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 17:55

When we got together he was a funny, relaxed, interested sort of guy. Didn’t stress about much, very accommodating.

Fast forward 7 years (we have a toddler now) he is miserable as sin.

Whinges constantly about money. Endlessly pessimistic. Everything is too much for him. If it’s outside of work, washing up, watching DD (and by this I just mean sitting watching TV with her) and dog walking - it’s an unreasonable ask. Every tiny thing turns into a huge drama. Every time he takes our toddler out she comes home in tears. He’s hopeless at keeping his cool, just gets cross every time she does something toddler-ish. No sense of humour any more. I dread his presence to be honest and dream of being a single mum in my own home. He’s turned into a miserable old git overnight.

The only thing that stops me leaving is this is a fairly recent thing, since the lockdowns. He works from home now and it just doesn’t suit him. It seems to have changed his personality entirely. So I guess there’s always the hope it will change back.

Just looking for solidarity. I’m so unhappy this evening.

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 14/10/2022 20:00

Sounds like he doesn't like married/family life and would rather be elsewhere.

Charcy · 14/10/2022 20:11

I was interested in a male perspective on this one so asked my OH.
He might be depressed, of course its an option.
Male perspective:
"he also might just not want to be in the marriage anymore but not have the balls to end it himself so pushing all your buttons in the hope you'll do him a favour and end it. 2 to 3 hours on a PlayStation each night is more likely his time to talk to someone he does want to talk to, who isn't you"

That might sound shitty but I guess it makes sense. Ultimately you need to look after yourself and your daughter. If you're fortunate enough to be able to survive as a SP, leave. give you both space to work on it and clarify what the issue actually is, and to protect your DD from him.

dizzygirl1 · 14/10/2022 20:13

Yes, I've now been separated over 2 years and love it. I got so fed up of being unhappy and nothing was ever his fault always someone else's. Not what I need or want in my life.
I feel much lighter and relaxed since we separated

Googlecanthelpme · 14/10/2022 20:17

it sounds very much like he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore but is too scared to admit it and / or hasn’t got anywhere else to go.

why are you trying to hold onto someone who clearly does not want to stay? Give him a push to go, he’ll either grab hold of that chance or he’ll have a shock and realise you’re not prepared to be his emotional punch bag.

You can’t let your child grow up in a high stress environment with a parent like this - it’s very damaging.

Greenight · 14/10/2022 20:22

Yeah mine does this, whenever either work gets stressful or he hasn’t had sex for a few days.

Have you tried more sex 😬 I know it’s hard to get in the mood when he’s being a miserable git, but it isn’t impossible, and it tends to drastically improve men’s personalities 🤣

SkirridHill · 14/10/2022 20:30

Ex DP was depressed on and off throughout our entire 10-year relationship. It regularly manifested itself in stomping, huffing, shouting, reducing everyone in the household to tears with his moods (and occasionally, towards me, physical violence). I left him. I am happier, healthier, and a better parent without expending the energy trying to placate him.

You saying that your toddler comes home crying really resonated with me - Ex had no sense of what was appropriate, and would (for example), shout at her if she couldn't keep up with him whilst on a long walk.

The other day DD said to me "I remember when we lived in the old house that Daddy used to shout a lot". She's 4. Fucking crushing to hear that, and makes me even gladder that I got the fuck out before she thought that was the norm.

Charcy · 14/10/2022 20:30

Greenight · 14/10/2022 20:22

Yeah mine does this, whenever either work gets stressful or he hasn’t had sex for a few days.

Have you tried more sex 😬 I know it’s hard to get in the mood when he’s being a miserable git, but it isn’t impossible, and it tends to drastically improve men’s personalities 🤣

Wtf!!!
Why on earth would she even consider having sex with this guy who is emotionally abusive and can't even be arsed to watch his own daughter.

Your husband must be laughing and rubbing his hands together he landed such a doormat. Have some respect for yourself. Jesus.

SkirridHill · 14/10/2022 20:31

Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 19:43

@Arewerelated i do wonder if that’s got something to do with it. He’s unfailingly happy and cheerful around his friends and I sense a lot of envy of some of them sometimes. Not sure why, but he seems to revere the things they do and want to copy them.

And yes to this. Ex was bitterly jealous of other people's successes. He could never appreciate what he had. And he never sought help for his mental health until right at the end, by which point it was too late.

Original poster
Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 20:33

He’s never ever been violent or even actually shouted at me, or DD. It’s more muttering under his breath, ranting, stamping around etc. I don’t even know what his shouting voice would sound like now I think about it. He’s like Marvin the depressed robot from a hitchiker’s guide to the galaxy.

OP posts:
SkirridHill · 14/10/2022 20:34

Greenight · 14/10/2022 20:22

Yeah mine does this, whenever either work gets stressful or he hasn’t had sex for a few days.

Have you tried more sex 😬 I know it’s hard to get in the mood when he’s being a miserable git, but it isn’t impossible, and it tends to drastically improve men’s personalities 🤣

This is honestly grim. Why should she do that? Do you really think this is ok?

SkirridHill · 14/10/2022 20:36

@Sadandstressedallthetime He may not be shouting directly at you, but both you and your DD are learning to moderate your behaviour based on his passive aggression.

I really feel for you. It's a horrible home life to be stuck in.

Charcy · 14/10/2022 20:37

SkirridHill · 14/10/2022 20:34

This is honestly grim. Why should she do that? Do you really think this is ok?

Show quote history

Right!! Honestly turned my stomach. Be a good wife and cheer your man up by opening your legs.
And people think society has progressed.

melmos · 14/10/2022 20:40

That's exactly how I feel we can't communicate and I find his reactions unbelievable, storming off often shouting and it's normally something hes lied about before. It's incredibly lonely and I am horrified with myself that I put up with it, but I don't want to lose my home

He's also a gamer and we spend no real time together. I think that him getting his own office basically killed our relationship.

I have become completely despondent which fuels his behaviour

Xmassprout · 14/10/2022 20:41

I feel you. I call it grumpy old man syndrome, although he really isn't old. The huffing and puffing any time he has to do anything really gets on my nerves.

I suspect with my husband it's depression, but he won't go to the drs. I don't know what he expects me to do, the whole atmosphere changes as soon as he walks through the door

coodawoodashooda · 14/10/2022 20:43

Sadandstressedallthetime · 14/10/2022 17:55

When we got together he was a funny, relaxed, interested sort of guy. Didn’t stress about much, very accommodating.

Fast forward 7 years (we have a toddler now) he is miserable as sin.

Whinges constantly about money. Endlessly pessimistic. Everything is too much for him. If it’s outside of work, washing up, watching DD (and by this I just mean sitting watching TV with her) and dog walking - it’s an unreasonable ask. Every tiny thing turns into a huge drama. Every time he takes our toddler out she comes home in tears. He’s hopeless at keeping his cool, just gets cross every time she does something toddler-ish. No sense of humour any more. I dread his presence to be honest and dream of being a single mum in my own home. He’s turned into a miserable old git overnight.

The only thing that stops me leaving is this is a fairly recent thing, since the lockdowns. He works from home now and it just doesn’t suit him. It seems to have changed his personality entirely. So I guess there’s always the hope it will change back.

Just looking for solidarity. I’m so unhappy this evening.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but I love not having to spend time with my xh. Miserable pig.

Poptart4 · 14/10/2022 20:44

Sorry OP but it sounds like he isn't happy with you/family life. And this could be causing depression too.

Alot of men are cowards and don't have the balls to leave so act this way hoping the woman will make the decision for them. Unfortunately too many women are willing to put up with this crap to keep the family together. I know too many couples in this miserable merry go round. I use to be one myself... we're both happier now we're apart. I look back and can't believe half the shit I put up with.

BigFatLiar · 14/10/2022 20:44

He's making life miserable for you all, including himself. You need to get him to talk and sort it out before it's too late.

OH loved his job but he got worked up and stressed about parts of it ( mainly the people) but coming home to the girls (and me) was his relief, troubles left outside the door.

where the fuck is the man I married?
Sitting in his chair pretending to watch baseball on the telly - half asleep. He's going bald, fatter, can't walk far but at least he's still here, I'd thought I'd lost him a few years ago, he's still recovering but unlikely to get back to his old health. Inside he's much the same, loves having the grandchildren here and always tells me he loves me.

NewtoHolland · 14/10/2022 20:48

I'd move out even temporarily of you can, see if it gives home the shock into action he needs? If not I'd stay away. DD does not deserve to be frightened by him slamming or throwing stuff down and throwing his weight around. You don't deserve this. It is abusive. Staying up so he's tired and miserable all day is a crap decision he's making.

cruciallyfree · 14/10/2022 20:48

Mine was the same OP but my situation was very unique. He just didn't cope well and like you say wasn't a shouter but just a massive dick.
That's why we are no longer together. I found it was like some one nagging you constantly and I was getting nothing from the relationship.

When he refused to cuddle me when I was upset I realised he really didn't care.

As per a previous poster said it is a form of control.
We are both a lot happier apart.

Seemsok · 14/10/2022 20:53

My husband unrecognisable these days . He. Is ND and I think he masked for many years . So many red flags now that I never noticed hen kids growing up.
Very kind but has become very robotic and communication is shit .
Am finding it lonely and intolerable TBH 🤷‍♀️

crazycadetmum · 14/10/2022 20:54

I said the very same thing to a friend the other day about my husband. He has been treated for depression in the past but denies it is an issue now. He sucks the joy out of everything! I suggested a holiday destination he used to like..apparently he never liked it and you can grow out of things..so he doesn't want to go! I will go without him and take adult children instead.

Rocketclub · 14/10/2022 20:57

Raise your bar - just say I want to talk to you
he says what about
you say I have seen a solicitor and I want a divorce. I deserve better than living with you and the abuse you give me and DD. hope we can do it amicably.

then you refuse to discuss it further get up and go to bed
toddlers bed if needed

LizzieSiddal · 14/10/2022 20:58

@Sadandstressedallthetime He doesn’t have to shout to make you or your dd afraid of him!

The fact is his behaviour is totally unacceptable, you can’t even leave his own child with him without him making her cry- that’s atrocious. You need to give him an ultimatum, he had to change his behaviour or you separate. He may well need to go to the GP and go for counselling, but he needs to go and get help, no excuses!

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2022 20:59

Have you tried more sex 😬 I know it’s hard to get in the mood when he’s being a miserable git, but it isn’t impossible, and it tends to drastically improve men’s personalities 🤣

What the actual fuck? I fucking despair at some women.

@Sadandstressedallthetime

This sounds miserable. But seriously - how can you possibly have a relationship with someone who won’t talk to you let alone be married to them?

It sounds like he does nothing. Why would you stick around?

YukoandHiro · 14/10/2022 21:00

Talk to him more seriously about how you're feeling and set your own parameters. I had to do this recently - similar thing, post lockdowns, DH had more work stress, more wfh which he didn't really enjoy and we'd had a second child which adds on the pressure.
He began to handle his stress by just being really cruel to me. Almost everything he said was unfair criticism and I began to feel really disliked in my own home.
It took a couple of goes, but twice I sat him down and told him that he was making me feel awful and I simple wasn't willing to be made to feel this way in my own home and if things didn't improve it would be the end for us. It has improved; he really took it on board and eventually admitted he hadn't realised how much he'd just been using me as a punchbag whenever he was anxious or stressed out (metaphorically I mean - he has never and would never be violent). Things are loads better now even though we've been through some tricky things since.