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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after her too!

64 replies

abstractplantpot · 14/10/2022 15:46

I'm a Sahm married with 3 children aged 20 down to 7. 20 yr old is away in another country at Uni. Two dc left at home. My mother has Denmetia and i'm her main carer.

I have one sister (3 yrs older) who helps care for mum but she works full time her mental health is fragile and she is tired a lot. She is quite immature for her age. Her friends tend to be much younger until they settle down then she is left on her own.

People tend to love her when they first meet her because she is giggling and happy and full of life but after a way they fall away because she talks constantly about her pets and doesn't really seem to live in the real world. I love her to bits and i'm worried what will happen when we get older.

She is 52. She has had a few boyfriends but generally the men who are interested in her aren't what she wants. She doesn't want to compromise in a relationship so i guess she is going to be single for a while yet.

I have always said I'd like to move away to the country for my retirement. DH and I have been looking out at houses which we could invest in as a holiday home and then retire too. DS has made it clear she expects us to include her in all our old age plans as she has no one else.

AIBU to not want this! I can only tolerate the silliness and nonsense for short bursts. How do I tell her it's not happening?

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 14/10/2022 15:47

Absolutely not unreasonable.

WahineToa · 14/10/2022 15:49

You are not unreasonable at all. However, you need to make her aware your plans don’t include her ASAP.

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 14/10/2022 15:50

Just say "sorry sis but this is our plans. What plans have you made for the future?" And try and get her to make her own plans.

fuckinghorgel · 14/10/2022 15:54

What, she wants to live with you?

Or she would independently move to the same area?

SnowyPetals · 14/10/2022 16:17

Forge ahead with your own plans and only let her know once they are fixed. She is welcome to sort out her own move close by if that's what she wants.

Bramblejoos · 14/10/2022 16:20

How are finances? If she has no money and is homeless you will be stuck.
I would help her to get a council house or similar.

Original poster
abstractplantpot · 14/10/2022 16:29

She owns her own house. although she regularly "borrows" money of mum and me. She is always sick with illnesses which the Drs never treat. For example IBS - she says the flair ups are debilitating and will take the time off work once or twice a year to deal with it - but will still be well enough to go to gym or socialise. She said she had long covid. There wasn't any official help for this although i know there isn't really any available. Her GP just kept giving her sick lines. Now her pay is decreasing she's better and going back to work.

She only contacts me when her friends aren't available which is fine i don't mind that.

She says she's going
to sell her house if I move and come live with me. She says it as a joke, however when we are with mum who
is ailing now my mum will say to me "promise me you will mind xxxxx(ds) she has no sense"

Everyone is just going to expect me to look after her. I can't face it!

OP posts:
willingtolearn · 14/10/2022 16:36

You need to change 'other people's expectations'.

Start with your sister and your mother.

When they jokingly or seriously say she's living with you say 'No, that's not something I'm prepared to do, you/she will have to make her own arrangements'.

You get one life, do not give it to other people.

Original poster
abstractplantpot · 14/10/2022 16:38

@willingtolearn thank you! I'm sitting here today thinking about it all and this is good advice. It's were I need to start. Thank you.

OP posts:
LickThis · 14/10/2022 16:43

Fuck that , never be emotionally blackmailed
You live your own life
They are both adults who made the choices to suit themselves, you do not have to pick up after them
Go for it

Cameleongirl · 14/10/2022 16:45

We may end up with a similar situation with one of DH's sisters - and DH isn't even especially close to her, it's just that the other siblings plan to retire abroad!

I wouldn't discuss it with your Mum, I presume she's fairly elderly and you don't want to worry her in any way. But next time your sister mentions moving in with you, say, no, we couldn't live together. You don't need to explain why, just repeat that you couldn't. If she chooses to move close to you once you've all retired, that's fine, but not into your house. Why on earth would she expect to?

Original poster
abstractplantpot · 14/10/2022 16:55

@Cameleongirl She tells everyone we are very close (we aren't) She is the type of girl if you met her once you are her friend. She will say oh my friend who works in the chemist etc but really it's just a person who works there - no other connection! She is an over sharer and tells all of these "friends" her business. So in her "world" we are a real close family and will live happily ever after together!

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 14/10/2022 17:00

I think you have to be very very clear about what you are willing and not willing to do. eg, if she moved to be close to you, are you okay with that? And can you definitively say that you will NOT be moving her into your house?

This was a source of some tension between my parents for similar reasons. My aunt was very high maintenance and my father worried that if she lived too close, my mother would basically find herself a full time carer for her. They had to agree the boundaries quite early on so that my aunt knew what was and was not going to be on the table.

GoldenGorilla · 14/10/2022 17:01

i have a sibling with serious mental health problems and have dealt with masses of pressure from them, parents and other siblings to invite her to live with us.
all you can do is be crystal clear about your boundaries: so whenever there’s any reference to the idea of her living with us, I repeat that “she can’t live with us, but I’m happy to help her find somewhere”. No excuses, no explanations or justifications. If I start giving people reasons she can’t live with us they try to debate it or tell me I’m wrong. So just a brisk matter of fact “she can’t live with us, but this is what I can do.”

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 14/10/2022 17:04

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PutinIsAWarCriminal · 14/10/2022 17:06

You just tell her it isn't going to happen.

BigglyBee · 14/10/2022 17:10

I have a sister who sounds very like yours, OP. Unfortunately, her obvious learning and MH difficulties have never been addressed because my father forbade it. (Before someone asks, because he is a twat). He allowed/encouraged her to become very dependent on our parents, despite having her own house. Then they retired and fecked off to Shetland. Since then, she has tried to make me responsible for her in the same way that our parents were. I have four kids, a farm, a business and an elderly husband to take care of, I don't have the time, patience or will to do that. I shudder to think what her retirement plans are, but she does know that she has a sister with a farm...

In the end, I had to cut her off entirely. She isn't the sort of person who can take no for an answer, and is sometimes violent, so I just stayed away and blocked her in every way I could. I did try explaining to her that I can't help her in the way that she wants, but she genuinely seems to believe that she is doing me a favour by letting me become her personal slave (because we're famly, don't you know).

7eleven · 14/10/2022 17:13

You really don’t like your sister, do you. She sounds vulnerable and with poor mental health. Annoying, but she’s your sister! Stop talking crap about her and help her get some professional help.

Original poster
abstractplantpot · 14/10/2022 17:16

@BigglyBee oh no! That sounds horrible for you.

My father did support ds before he died but I don't think we ever thought she had learning difficulties.

She doesn't have Autism, I know this because she went to the GP with a long list of "reasons why she thought she had Autism" He told her there wasn't enough evidence to refer her.

I think I'm just going to have to start managing the expectations from now on!

OP posts:
2bazookas · 14/10/2022 17:22

Just lie.

Whenever she refers to it, you just say " With all the economic uncertainty we're making no plans at all. Decided to stay put. "

Never, ever discuss your intentions or future move with her or in her hearing.

2bazookas · 14/10/2022 17:30

You can just use the situation with your mum. You, and DH, just keep telling Sis

"Poor old Mum, it is really heavy going for years being responsible for her. But it's shown us one thing for certain; when mum is gone Plantpot /DH and I are going to be FREE to live our own lives, and will never ever share it with anyone else again. "

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 17:36

Next time she says something about it, be clear "I realise you're probably joking but just to be clear, we aren't going to ask you to live with us"

And she can't force you to let her live with you so don't worry about it too much, at the end of the day it won't happen unless you choose to.

BMW6 · 14/10/2022 17:43

7eleven · 14/10/2022 17:13

You really don’t like your sister, do you. She sounds vulnerable and with poor mental health. Annoying, but she’s your sister! Stop talking crap about her and help her get some professional help.

Bollocks to that.
She doesn't have to like a sibling. No-one does. Nor is she obligated to take care of her.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2022 17:44

willingtolearn · 14/10/2022 16:36

You need to change 'other people's expectations'.

Start with your sister and your mother.

When they jokingly or seriously say she's living with you say 'No, that's not something I'm prepared to do, you/she will have to make her own arrangements'.

You get one life, do not give it to other people.

@abstractplantpot

I agree with PP, but I think you'll have to take it one step further. Replying to their 'joking' won't get them to take you seriously. They'll just assume you don't mean it.

You need to have a serious sit-down with your sister NOW and have a no holds barred conversation. Say baldly that she will NOT be moving in with you, discussion over. Tell her what (if anything) you would be willing to do should you or a medical source determine she needs help. But do it NOW when she's still young enough to make other plans. If she chooses not to or not to believe you, that's on her. And I'd tell her that, too.

Leave your mother out of your discussion with your sister, but don't be blackmailed by her when DS inevitably runs to her to tattle. In cases such as these I think it's perfectly acceptable to dodge the issue and refuse to discuss it.

A totally different scenario, but my DBro was a bad alcoholic (sober now 7 years). We made it clear to him that he would never be allowed to live with us nor would we ever enable take care of him. If our mum (who never knew how bad he was) had asked us to, frankly I would have lied to her. DBro would have known the truth.

Choccolocko · 14/10/2022 17:51

7eleven · 14/10/2022 17:13

You really don’t like your sister, do you. She sounds vulnerable and with poor mental health. Annoying, but she’s your sister! Stop talking crap about her and help her get some professional help.

You have obviously never had the weight of looking after several family members, on your shoulders.

OP you are not responsible for anyones mental health or future.

Tell your sister now that you are planning a quiet retirement with your husband. Say it’s not going to be up to you as to whether or not she moves close to you but you will not be responsible for her and she will not be living with you. You are entitled to retire from caring duties when children are reared and parents have passed away. Siblings who don’t need care (and you sister doesn’t need it, she just wants it) need to make their own lives