To not want to look after her too!

[abstractplantpot]

I'm a Sahm married with 3 children aged 20 down to 7. 20 yr old is away in another country at Uni. Two dc left at home. My mother has Denmetia and i'm her main carer.

I have one sister (3 yrs older) who helps care for mum but she works full time her mental health is fragile and she is tired a lot. She is quite immature for her age. Her friends tend to be much younger until they settle down then she is left on her own.

People tend to love her when they first meet her because she is giggling and happy and full of life but after a way they fall away because she talks constantly about her pets and doesn't really seem to live in the real world. I love her to bits and i'm worried what will happen when we get older.

She is 52. She has had a few boyfriends but generally the men who are interested in her aren't what she wants. She doesn't want to compromise in a relationship so i guess she is going to be single for a while yet.

I have always said I'd like to move away to the country for my retirement. DH and I have been looking out at houses which we could invest in as a holiday home and then retire too. DS has made it clear she expects us to include her in all our old age plans as she has no one else.

AIBU to not want this! I can only tolerate the silliness and nonsense for short bursts. How do I tell her it's not happening?

@Cameleongirl does your aunt, as far as you know, write messages slagging your dad off on social media? Would you mind if she did?

No, @7eleven , but people do come on MN to vent because it’s anonymous.

You mention your husband is elderly. Does she see some future where you are two single sisters in an empty next pottering around together?

I have to say I feel for both of you. You each have your own lives, and yours is already filled with responsibilities. It sounds like she is creating responsibilities (pets, illness which as you describe it sound exaggerated, though I could be wrong there), and this comes across as attention-seeking … but has she anyone in her life who truly pays attention to her? I’m not saying that’s your responsibility at all, but she doesn’t have a plus-one to lean on. Many single people are self-sufficient, but many people aren’t, and I do feel a bit sorry for her claiming a closeness with you when you are already full to bursting with responsibilities, so I can see how the dynamic she creates is an added burden on you.

I get that. I think it’s just the way the OP criticises her sister in every line, whilst the sister thinks they’re close, that I find off. If the OP has such a low opinion of her sister she could go low contact. She just sounds like a mean girl.

Reading between the lines I’d say the sister is lonely. The OP is sat in her family home rolling her eyes because the sister talks about her pets….

This in bucketfuls. I’m curious as to what your retiring from to move to the country?

@fuckinghorgel - sibling currently lives with our parents but they’re ageing and finding it harder and harder to cope - I’m one of 4 but the others don’t have big enough houses. I hesitated for ages about buying this house (large spare room) because I knew we’d get this pressure!

@abstractplantpot I'm afraid you seem to have hit a sore spot with some people here judging by their posts. You've spent years looking after your DC, DH and now your DM and I know how hard it is to care for someone with Dementia. Your youngest DC is still a child and you're caught between childcare and caring. I know by the time my DM passed I could not have taken on anyone else, I was stressed out and ill.
Your DS reminds me of someone I knew , she claimed everyone as a friend but she soon wore her friends out, she was too intense, you had to keep strong boundsries with her or she took your life over.
You can love your DS but still find them too much .

@Daleksatemyshed This is exactly it! caring for mum is exhausting. I have no headspace for anything extra.

OP,
Hard boundaries are required.

Your sister doesn't get to decide to move into your home and retire.

You do not owe her that.

You need to start telling her that it is not happening.

You have enough caring responsibilities.

Your sister might be suited to an assisted living space with a warden etc.

When you talk about moving to the country and she mentions coming with you, just say sorry sis but this is DH and my romantic adventure together once children grown up and moved out. You will have to sort out your own adventure.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think this really needs to be addressed. Sometimes families place their expectations on us by 'casually mentioning' a thing and if we don't push back, in their minds it can become a 'done deal'.

If your sister had no one else in her life then I think it's reasonable that she might want to move when you do and if you're comfortable with that, just make it clear that she wouldn't be moving in with you and that she'd need to live independently. Rural living has its challenges so you could ask her if she's considered all that. E.g how she would see her friends regularly etc. In other words, you've no issue with her living close by but you're not going to be looking after her.

Set out your boundaries now. They'll be a lot tougher to enforce the longer this conversation doesn't take place.

@abstractplantpot unless someone's cared for a parent with dementia they have no idea how tricky it can be. Every time I thought I had evrrything sorted my DM managed to surprise me! Feel free to PM me if it will help

How is it "slagging someone off on social media" when it is anonymous? OP is probably deliberately venting on MN instead of to her IRL friends in order to avoid hurting her sister's feelings.

As to the posters who are offended because OP doesn't feel close to her sister even though her sister thinks they ste close: Narcissists usually think that everyone loves them. It is NOT mean to not love a narcissist. OP is obviously neither rude nor mean to her sister. It actually seems as if she ought to be less polite to her. She helps the sister all the time and the sister doesn't reciprocate but is quite selfish.

🤦‍♀️ It’s like everyone has learnt a new word - narcissist.