To not want to look after her too!

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I'm a Sahm married with 3 children aged 20 down to 7. 20 yr old is away in another country at Uni. Two dc left at home. My mother has Denmetia and i'm her main carer.

I have one sister (3 yrs older) who helps care for mum but she works full time her mental health is fragile and she is tired a lot. She is quite immature for her age. Her friends tend to be much younger until they settle down then she is left on her own.

People tend to love her when they first meet her because she is giggling and happy and full of life but after a way they fall away because she talks constantly about her pets and doesn't really seem to live in the real world. I love her to bits and i'm worried what will happen when we get older.

She is 52. She has had a few boyfriends but generally the men who are interested in her aren't what she wants. She doesn't want to compromise in a relationship so i guess she is going to be single for a while yet.

I have always said I'd like to move away to the country for my retirement. DH and I have been looking out at houses which we could invest in as a holiday home and then retire too. DS has made it clear she expects us to include her in all our old age plans as she has no one else.

AIBU to not want this! I can only tolerate the silliness and nonsense for short bursts. How do I tell her it's not happening?

Annoying your mum had 2 kids and expects you to look after your sister. I understand why she worries but it's a really unfair expectation to place on you.

Could she have ADHD?
Whilst its important to have a life and not just give it over to supoorting others, I'm a little bit erring on the side of what @7eleven said.

I have a sister with special needs. I've had to give support in various ways since I was born. She can be really hard work and really full on and annoying. But she's also got some really good sides and I'd hate to think what wiukd happen to her if I wasn't able amd willing to spend some time with her.

It doesn't sound like your DS needs to move in, and you could kindly let her know that. However I don't agree with these people saying you only have one life, you need to do what you.want etc. It seems quite uncaring. Life is also paetly about helping those who need it, even if they are sometimes annoying.

@Coatdegroan But that’s not what the sister is looking for. My DB has mental health issues. We speak twice a day and I see him twice a week. That will likely continue until I/he dies.

But if I wanted to move abroad and I knew my brother could cope without me I would hate to think that I couldn’t do it. I mean, where does caring for others end and thinking about yourself become a possibility

@Choccolocko it sounds like you are very supportive to your brother. I agree if he was fine you should move abroad if you got an opportunity you wanted to follow.

For me, I know my sister would probably not be OK as she needs human contact, and wiuld become very lonely and isolated. I have probably compromised my life in some ways. Nothing major..but I don't have as many friends as many people.because I don't have time or energy left for many other people. The alternative would be to do more of what I want and cut down the time I spend with my sister. This would lead to a build up of problems for her which ultimately I would end up dealing with so it isn't worth it.

As I have become more patient I fo find I enjoy spending time with her as we find mutual things we enjoy.

At the end of the day, life isn't always easy or fair. I abandoned my sister a little bit when I had young children as I was too busy and stressed... it didn't make me feel good. Ultimately, I guess it is about finding the right balance for you.

You can look at it in that you only have 1 life, you.mist do x y and z which you always dreamed of doing...or you only have 1 life, you need to try to give what you are able to help as you wouldn't want to look back and regret not helping.

I do agree that homing someone needy who can actually manage to live independently is beyond the call of duty.

Here's a good one for most folks on this thread;
'Boundaries are the distance at which I am able to love you and me.'

I suppose one complication is your mother's health and how her dementia progresses. Is your sister worried about being left with the main responsibility of caring for your mum if you move? How far away might you be moving? If it's a few hours drive is Sis coming to stay or visit? She can't seriously think she can move in with you but it would be difficult to stop her buying a house in the same area.

I should add, sister is independent and is quite capable of running her own life and keeping herself happy when everything is rosie. When life throws a curve ball and all her friends are too busy or not available I get a call to help - which I invariably do. I have done as long as I can remember. I will also say this isn't reciprocated. DS will prioritise her friends and their needs over me and mum.

Mums health is deteriorating quickly so I would say she will have passed on before I move. i will be moving about 4 hours away. As I said initiallly it will be as a holiday home then if we find schools etc for the younger kids we will move permanently. She says she imagines she will live here for about 10 yrs or so then "retire" with us.

Sometimes I feel i'm being unfair and she's my only sister and I should suck it up and accept i need to look after her in later life. Then she will ring specifically to tell me her rabbit kissed her to waken her this morning and I just know i can't live with it!

I’m usually a suit myself person but I don’t know about this one. Your sister sounds quite vulnerable and like she has trouble with managing money, plus a bit socially challenged.

But she’s working and helping you care for your mum, so she’s maintaining her relationships with the family. She sounds like a good person who needs a bit of support in life. sounds like your mum is aware of this.

Reading your post I do feel bad for her.

That said, I wouldn’t want her to move in with me either! Maybe you can help her come up with a plan for her future and be a distant support with occasional visits.

Socially challenged people can sometimes be completely unaware of the need to reciprocate and put effort into relationships.. maybe it wouldn’t hurt to point these things out to her.

Sounds to me like she's never bothered to look after herself and is used to having others runs around after her. The OP has no responsibility to take her into her home, she has her own house and needs to learn to be less pseudo-needy.

I wouldn’t want to live with either of my sisters either. I don’t talk shit about them on social media though. I think it’s in the sister’s interest to stay away from the OP. How sad that the sister thinks they’re close and doesn’t realise how she’s thought of. Really disrespectful.

I could be biased though as I’ve just bought my cats advent calendars 😂

She sounds similar to my sister tbh. My sister is a lovely, kind human and I adore her. But, she is lackadaisical and doesn't really take responsibility for herself.

She is still living with my parents and there is no way on gods green earth will I ever be taking over facilitating her poor life choices.

Before I'm jumped on she is nt. Some minor mh issues but probably less than my own tbh.

@OriginalUsername2 makes a very good point her Op, some people can feel that family means you'll always look after them but they don't feel the need to return the favour. It's difficult with your DM but please don't let her make you feel you HAVE to look after your DS, she isn't your responsibilty, she has her own home, work and friends so it's not like your planning to abandon someone who can't fend for themselves.
I do wonder if she's not had any serious relationships she doesn't understand that a married couple really don't want someone else living with them?
For now, take care of your DM but don't be so available for your DS, you can't go from seeing her at the drop of a hat to nothing overnight

She doesn't have to like her and she isn't her responsibility.

The sister could get help herself, or her parents can arrange it.

I agree. The thing is though the sister thinks she does like her. I just find that a bit sad.

Why don't your parents or the other siblings take them in?

Set your stall out now, you are not your sisters keeper

So, she owns her own house, works full time but has a couple of health issues. She's not doing too badly really and sounds very capable.
Next time she jokes about it, be blunt and tell her to think again and that you want a peaceful retirement, just you and DH and any spare rooms will be for your own DC visits. Knock it on the head.

YANBU to not want to care for your sister but YABVU to be so judgey about her debilitating IBS. It's an invisible disability and yes, sometimes going to the gym does help with it.

YANBU at all.

I think she should try for a reassessment. GPs dismissing women who suspect they have autism or other developmental issues is very common. That would be reasonable sisterly support, advocate for her, get her referred and fill out the family part of the form. It could be that, could be something else, but I’d be amazed if there isnt something. You don’t have to give up your entire life to take care of her.

THIS 👏🏻

The poor girl sounds like she has Autism or similar (I have a DC with Autism before anyone starts so I do know the traits) and unfortunately as far as the authorities will be concerned (if they're brought into it), like it or not, once your mother passes you will be fully expected to be the one to care for your DSis. I understand that's not what you want but if she cannot feasibly manage 100 % independently then who else will be there for her?

Either way please stop slagging her off and speaking about her like something you stepped in, she is your SISTER.

But she does manage independently, @MightyOaks . She works, has her own house, and her own friends. She sounds fine overall. For some reason though, she thinks she should move in with the OP and her DH in ten years. I can’t understand why she’d need to.

The OP can still be a supportive sister, but they don’t need to live in the same house. Perhaps moving to the same area would be logical if her sister would like to be close by?

My posts have more been about the general way the OP writes about her sister. I completely agree the OP should not be expected to have her live with her.

I don’t think the OP has had one nice thing to say about her sister, yet clearly she feels the superior one.

Well, siblings don’t have to like each other, @7eleven . I know my Auntie doesn’t really like my Dad-she still helps him out sometimes, but she needs to keep her distance.

Of course they don’t, but the sister thinks they’re close. I think the OP perhaps needs to be more honest with her sister.