Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

Everyone needs an F and quite frankly I am sure this would have been far worse for op without him.

I think things would have been different if F hadn’t come, actually. if I had gone to a hotel alone I think there is no way BG would have banished me from the celebrations so I had to spend the day totally alone in a foreign town.

No one is that mean. Except maybe @Rubiconmango 😂

Still glad F is here with me though!

Not that free, as all your recent posts have been deleted thankfully 😂

Anyway, we have arrived at the airport city and have checked into the hotel here for the last night. We will go get some lunch and then mooch around Monoprix for a while.

I’ve been told to get off mumsnet now we are here because “it’s our last day in France and we have to make the most of it.” So aurevoir for now

I think it is really sad that this could ruin a friendship.

I think it is really sad that such crappy accommodation was booked for such a celebration for a milestone birthday.

The OP has said that if advised beforehand she could have booked a room in the hotel where the whole shebang seems to have been held - so why did the BG not just book the villa and say there is room for two people to stay there in a twin room and get the rest of the guests to book rooms that suited them, either sharing or not, in the exact same hotel or close by. The two who chose to stay in the villa with BG and partner to share the costs with them, if a group of men decided that a dormitory option was suitable for them then all fine and dandy, they book that and share the costs. Far simpler, everyone in the same place, the villa is used as the social hub and everyone has a room to go to at the end of the night. A grown up, adult solution.

I think you solved it brilliantly, arrived, saw accommodation, realised it wasn't right and booked somewhere better. You didn't make a scene and said you weren't going to ask for money back on shared accommodation so I think that was good behaviour.

I think F sounds awesome and should he wish to have another holiday companion he probably has lots of willing mumsnetters that would accompany him.

I think you should stick with F because BG sounds like an arsehole. Have fun!

@Rubiconmango

You would do well to remember that there is a real person attached behind the username you are targeting.

The level of agression you’ve gone for is very telling.

I think the OP and F should do that anyway! 😂

OP, you categorically did nothing wrong. I would never dream of treating my friend like the way she has treated you! You came across Europe, spend a shed load of money so that you could celebrate her birthday and she behaves like this? And she’s probably been bad mouthing you to everyone, since this happened. She sounds like such an immature twonk.

It sounds like you threw a bit of a strop when you saw you were on the sofa, which is what you describe as being obviously disappointed. But you were a day late and someone had to sleep on the sofa, obviously it would have been you.

I expect your friends were a bit put out by your strop, and your friend has thrown her own strop in response.

How old are you guys?

BG should be feeling absolutely MORTIFIED that you felt you had to make these other arrangements. She let you down. Another fuck that from me too.

What a lot of unnecessary drama. You lead a privileged existence where ‘destination birthdays’ are a thing, and can afford to book alternative accommodation at the drop of a hat if the initial arrangements don’t suit you.

You showed a lack of foresight in failing to check sleeping arrangements if you were arriving late and needed your own room. Your friend showed immaturity in uninviting you to the party you’d travelled to attend - if you weren’t rude to her. Does any of that really matter though?

If you love and value your friend then accept the olive branch she has offered you, and get on with enjoying your lovely lives.

You would do well to remember how threads, the Internet, heck 'asking for opinions' actually works.

Your comment is also very telling. Now keep on moving. Stopping to give me the moral highground *eye roll

Yeah, she's a stroppy cow, but this sounds sensible. If she still doesn't back down, then fuck her, she's no friend of yours.

Huge amount of drama from both of them

I think BG has behaved really badly. You've made a big effort to join her on her birthday. You've spent money getting there, you've bought her a gift, you've taken time off work and then you've also spent money on the new accommodation (which is your choice, fair enough, but I would feel bad that you were unhappy with the sofa bed if I was her). Uninviting you is such a spiteful, stroppy response.

I'm glad you've made the best of the situation with your friend (thank God he's with you) and I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

@Novum err no, you should read the whole thread before swearing at another poster. She clearly says:

"honestly yes, I expected to be in the twin. I just assumed that the sofa bed is so crap in comparison that whoever got it would get a fair warning in advance."

Enjoy your last day, and as long as it’s what you want, that you do make up with your pal.

I think you arriving late meant you got the sofa bed - and that’s reasonable. If you’d been sharing the two room you would have been disturbed by the person you were sharing with coming in later and by the sounds of it the two sharing the twin know each other whereas you don’t know them ?

Was it known that it was

Sofa bed IN COMMUNAL AREA?

As i stay on Sofa beds in spair rooms. Often not the most comfy.

But wouldn't want to stay in a communal area with zero privacy and probably zero sleep.

I probably would have discreetly mentioned feeling sick at times as a polite hint/cover for needing own room (and bathroom), she could have drawn own conclusions from that.

And you're supposed to be grateful for the invite to after-dinner drinks i.e. the scraps of the event. Flip me, she belongs in a cheeky f*cker hall of fame!

OP I don't think you were unreasonable. Even if the OP had specifically agreed to sleep on the sofa bed, I've been on plenty trips with friends where you've agreed to sleeping arrangements, then when you get there and actually see it - sometimes it's more uncomfortable than anticipated or more cramped or whatever... and you go "y'know what, I think it would be better if I got a separate room". As long as the person deciding to do so accepts the financial hit from that choice (the OP didn't ask for any money back and therefore didn't impact anyone else int he group) and it's done in a friendly way then I don't see it being a problem - I'd rather everyone I was with was comfortable and happy. The reality of holiday accommodation can often disappointing - even if you believe you know what you are getting.

If I have any criticism of the OP it is that when changing accommodation, it probably would've helped to call or message the BG and explain that it wasn't any kind of snub or strop, that she didn't expect any money back - but just for the sake of comfort and so everyone could party into the night without interruption - she was going to get another room but it was still close by etc just to clarify the intent behind the decision and avoid any assumptions being made.

The OP has otherwise accepted any fault on her part for the misunderstanding.

I think the BG's reaction was WAYYYYYY over the top - to disinvite someone who has travelled all that way for your birthday is very poor and if I was the BG I'd actually be contacting the OP to ask if she was okay and just clarify what the situation was before taking such an extreme step.

I wonder if it's possible that one of the other group members made it sound like the OP's change of plan was more dramatic/angry than it actually was and so assumptions were made about the OP's intentions.

The way things are explained make all the difference. One person goes to BG - "oh by the way, OP felt that the sofabed was probably not going to be ideal and didn't want people to feel obligated to stop partying earlier than they wanted to if she needed to go to bed, so she got a separate room - but it's all cool!" .... would probably be received VERY differently to another person going "btw - just to give you a heads up - OP was WELL pissed off about the sofa bed, she's stormed off to get another place to stay - no idea where or if she's going to be back for the party...". How things are communicated can cause way more problems than the actual issue itself. This entire matter isn't actually about the sofa bed - it's about how the change of sleeping arrangements was dealt with and communicated.

I have not read whole thing but the Op sounds rather entitled over the sofa bed..why should she expect it ? what about the other 2 guests who had also paid their share, she doesnt seem to have any insight that they too might be poor sleepers or light sleepers or want a room of their own too...
i would expect , if it has not all been discussed beforehand, that its first come first served as far as rooms go and if she was last to arrive and had not explicitly expressed her 'need' for her own room then of course she would be left with sofa.
But BG has been a bit over reactive, but i think we are not getting full story here...and i wonder if the tone of messages exchanged via text woud have upset the BG
i do not understand why the OP could not have just booked a room round the corner then at least stayed at the villa and had a cup of tea or whatever and waited to see her friend, and quietly explained.
if the Bg returned and the others regaled the story it may well have seemed the OP flounced out etc

Bloody hell a "destination birthday", my lord isn't that a bit much? A girl's holiday around a birthday fine, but somwthing about "destination birthday" makes me feel a bit sick.

Even if OP did handle the staying somewhere else badly-what difference did it make to BG's plans?

Could they not all get ready together & giggle girlishly whilst doing it or something?