Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

Don't be silly. Of course she isn't.

Op your friend is the drama. When you arrange accommodation, you make sure that everyone is happy with the sleeping arrangements. Giving herself the master bedroom and expecting someone to have the sofa bed - wtf?? You find somewhere better or you make sure that there is one person who doesn’t mind because it will be cheaper for them.

And you don’t uninvite 2 people who have gone to effeort and expense to come to your birthday celebration in another country. I am absolutely incensed for you op. Enjoy the rest of your holiday with your real friend and block that cow.

But if you were BG it would come across as that @CadburyPurple , she saw the sofa bed was the only bed free ,wasn't happy and left without seeing her friend
It would look like she was having a strop about it
BG reacted badly but you can see how petty it looks
Now she's ignoring her. @NotWelcomeAtParties could have avoided all of this by speaking to her friend

So you forgot that there was a sofa bed that you might be allocated & your friend wasn't told he would be sleeping in a dorm?

He knew it was a dorm, but when he got there he saw the beds were a series of plywood boxes stacked together and he had to have one of the upper ones with a narrow ladder. Like cubbies on a submarine. He just pictured something different (like a row of single beds or at worst, bunk beds).

Again this was probably my fault as I was the one conveying the information between BG and F and I simply told him it would be a dorm. I think we’ve already established on this thread that I’ve been really shit about clarifying the sleeping arrangements before departure!

Anyhoo. He wants me to post this quote of his about the dorm:

”I don’t sleep in cupboards. My name isn’t Harry Potter.”

Whilst I think your friend had behaved ridiculously OP, I now think you’re making a bad situation worse by ignoring her.

I can’t STAND ghosting/ ignoring. Just act like an adult and tell her how you feel. The friendship may be over either way but you can’t just ignore/ never speak to her again. I also think if she’d known you were pregnant she probably wouldn’t have reacted so harshly.

Please just speak to her, if she’s otherwise a good friend and doesn’t have history of this sort of behaviour then I would try and sort it out.

amazed at people who think the OP is “a drama llama” It’s a bit of a cheek to disinvite someone from the main event they have got on a plane for,
then as a “concession” allow them to come to the after drinks with no apology.

If she wanted to make amends she should be sending a heartfelt apology. this seems rather arrogant and as if she thinks she being benevolent by ‘allowing’ her friend to attend the very end of a full day of celebrations.

If she expected an enthusiastic reply from OP about coming to drinks that shows she takes her for granted and has little respect for her.

again for those whingeing about destination birthdays, no you don’t “expect” your friends to travel for them. You simply invite them and those that want to come will and those that don’t/ can’t afford will not come. Same goes for hen nights, weddings etc. I had a mate get married in South Africa. She is very well off and works as a banker so the ticket price was probably nothing to her. It was to me in my 20s so I declined. Still friends.

You and your friend seem to have gotten through it, had a good time regardless, you obviously don't mind everyone thrashing the BG, yet you're still here encouraging this now drip of a thread. You sound wonderful to be around *sarcasm

You're obviously bored and needing entertainment now.

are that if you expect people to travel a long distance to celebrate with you, you need to be prepared to be a bit flexible about things

She gave an invitation and the details. She didn’t expect people to travel if it didn’t suit them. Any or all of you could have said no and she’d probably have rearranged it for a smaller group to go or to meet for a night in her own city.

Yeah I do think you've been a bit rubbish in clarifying where you sleep beforehand OP

If someone is in a dorm I would just expect a mattress and a bed frame, not a lot more, with that number of people in the room I'd expect in advance that it would be pretty rubbish.

Anyway you're both there now and glad your new hotel has worked out better for you. If you don't reply to friends olive branch in the next day, I expect that friendship is over. It sounds to me as if the other friends didn't want you at the meal after your reaction about the sofa bed, and the after dinner drinks was friends - fairly lousy - attempt to keep everyone happy.

The more you post about the accommodation @NotWelcomeAtParties the more awful the whole thing sounds. A 'destination' birthday that is costing people a fair whack of money to attend and they are presented with this standard of accommodation: He knew it was a dorm, but when he got there he saw the beds were a series of plywood boxes stacked together and he had to have one of the upper ones with a narrow ladder. Like cubbies on a submarine.

I've just read through the whole thread and honestly whilst your friend had a right to be annoyed that you up and left to stay somewhere else without talking to her first, it did not warrant such an extreme reaction on her part. It could've been sorted with a chat before the party where she expressed her upset / annoyance at you staying somewhere new and you being able to explain why. Sorted, then you could've just moved past it and enjoyed the party. She's blown it way out of proportion and potentially ruined a friendship now by taking such an extreme measure.

I'm glad you've had a nice holiday with your friend regardless, op.

Agree, @PlacidPenelope.

And love your friend's quote re not being Harry Potter, OP. You're all well out of the teen years who can sleep whereever and whenever ... especially when pregnant!

You're obviously bored and needing entertainment now.

True! I’m stuck on a train heading back to our airport city.

But of course I will keep responding to this thread if people keep posting and especially asking questions. Frankly it annoys me when an OP triggers a long thread and then disappears into the blue yonder without a trace with no updates or resolution.

I wouldn't see Bag's message as an olive branch. I see it as her thinking she can treat you like shit and you'll come running back when she says you can.

Or, she doesn't want to look so bad in hindsight.

Right now, she looks awful.

Eh, I wrote BG's message. Cheeky phone.

This three is crazy. They were sleeping on plywood boxes? Aye they were. No mattresses, sure. And why do you keep quoting your friend like he’s some form of oracle/ 🤣 no one gives a shit

bottom line is you fronted up a day late, didn’t bother to check your accommodation, knew as a single person you would maybe on the sofa, didn’t bother yer arse checking the accommodation, fucked off with your mate the oracle to stay someplace else, were already set on multiple naps and early bed , didn’t bother to even communicate to the birthday girl, have not given her her present, ignored her texts and spent the evening with the oracle instead and in General have behaved very poorly to this woman who has went out of her way for you even inviting the oracle as you were not capable of going alone and joining in.

if I was her I’d drop you for good.

YWBU not to make it clear beforehand that you wouldn’t be sleeping on a sofa bed, BG might then have made it work that another guest had to take the sofa bed, possibly with a lesser contribution! BUT the BG is being VVVVU to drop you from the birthday celebrations!

You’ve come up with an easy solution which suits you so I don’t understand why she’s taken the hump!

Do you think if you’d told the BG you were pregnant after she first got the hump that you’d booked the separate accommodation all this wouldn’t have become such a thing?

She's massively overreacted but I also would have assumed I'd be on the sofa, arriving last. You both sound a bit entitled.

Really? So she was supposed to reach out and say oh where are you. Is everything ok, I heard you looked pissed off on arrival, pissed off with your mate, came back and left to stay elsewhere? It was her job to communicate, not the ops?

They were sleeping on plywood boxes? Aye they were. No mattresses, sure. And why do you keep quoting your friend like he’s some form of oracle/ 🤣 no one gives a shit

Of course there were mattresses. Mattresses laid out in plywood cubbies.

i keep quoting him because he is sat right next to me and is invested in this thread too . He periodically asks me if anyone has said anything about him then wants to be able to reply.

also I just read your comment to him and he gave me a hard stare and said in a deadpan voice:

”I am an oracle.”

😂

if you don’t give a shit there are many other fine threads on mumsnet you might enjoy better.

Referring to the dorm as Harry Potter accommodation, and your disgust at sleeping on a sofa bed (that would not have cost you a thought if someone else had been allocated the sofa bed) makes me think you and F are quite entitled and you both thrive on the drama.

Ouch @Floweryflora ! Someone's woken up cranky! 😂92% doesn't lie.

This thread is covering its bases. We’ve got friendship drama, the hated mumsnet travel, France, an expensive villa that apparently offers less comforts than the Bastille, a secret pregnancy (twins?), and a ‘witty’ gay bestie keen to update mumsnet.

Do you think if you’d told the BG you were pregnant after she first got the hump that you’d booked the separate accommodation all this wouldn’t have become such a thing?

I don’t know actually. She is very adamantly child-free. When I told her about the last pregnancy her first reaction was a look of horror (we joked about this and I was not offended in the slightest).

I think everyone else there was child-free too but not 100% about this.

i don’t think she has ever given much thought to pregnancy and how tiring it can be, and I don’t know if it would have made her more sympathetic in this situation.

(she was sympathetic about my miscarriage a few months ago however and I cannot fault her there).

i just didn’t want to tell anyone this time. It was a missed miscarriage where I only found out at 11 weeks that development had stopped several weeks before and it was hard going emotionally to announce to the few people I’d already told so far. It’s also put a real cast on my current pregnancy as I just don’t feel optimistic at all after what happened last time, and will not believe in it until I get my scan.