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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friendship worries? I'm sorry it's so long 😬

58 replies

Evla21 · 13/10/2022 07:04

A group of friends and I have been friends since we were 10yrs old. We all went through secondary school together and have stayed close since we finished school 12 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, our lives have all gone in different directions. Me - married with a family, another in a very good job. One of us in a career and another a single parent.

All of us have supported our single parent friend from day 1, and now her child is in secondary school.

I've recently had my own children with my husband and have a nice house and a part-time job. Having all this has never stopped me being there for her (or my other friends).

Me and this friend also have a connection in our families, so we're a bit closer in that way too.

I've been in a bad place mentally (during my second pregnancy) she was the one who alerted my family of this. She's struggled with her anxiety since she had an abusive relationship between her and the father of her child.

We had a break in our friendship when I froze her out after she didn't want to do something together (I was in a bad place at this time)

We didn't speak with eachother (still friends though) for nearly 4m. This happened with us in the past, her freezing me out.

We've rekindled our friendship but I feel like she's
not the same approachable, close friend I used to have. She doesn't think so.

Before our second break, my friend had struck up a new friendship with another woman. I became secondary to this new friend and she started to hang out with this women and put our friendship to a backburner.

My point is, since having a friendship break, my friend has continued to do this. She's always got plans with this women and I never get a look in.

When I ask her out to do something she makes some excuse (she's always been a bit flakey but not to spend time with someone else). I know she's struggling with her own mental health and I try to be there for her as much as possible but I feel like the friendship is one-way. She tells me that this friend is on the sick and she's even bought her clothes!!

I know it's normal to have different friendshop groups and that doesn't bother me as the four of us have them.

Please tell me, am I being paranoid, stupid or unreasonable? It's keeping me awake at night 😔

TIA

OP posts:
TwoTowels · 13/10/2022 07:07

"Freezing her out"? And she does the same to you? Sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship to me.
I would let her get on with it with this new friend and back away slowly.

Russell19 · 13/10/2022 07:13

Whatever "freeze her out means"....if a friend did that to me I wouldn't be nice again either.

morningsareshit · 13/10/2022 07:29

I think that if you start feeling jealous of your friend's new friendship, then it's best to mentally take a step back and reflect on why that is.
You admit that both you and her have on separate occasions cooled off your friendship for apparently trivial reasons ( her not wanting to do something). Even though these were due to mental health issues at the time( understandable) it is also true that maybe you are now both weary of each other, and even if neither of you want the friendship to end, you possibly worry about going all in after being left hurt in the past.
Your friend has found a new friend, it adds to her friendships, it doesn't eliminate you.
If you want to remain close, I suggest you remain positive about your own friendship and also respectful of her new relationship with new friend.
Long term friends realise that there will be times where you are closer and others where, for a multitude of reasons, you will be less close, but remain friends.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 13/10/2022 07:30

It can be really tough but friendships move on over time. You have a choice to accept she likes to spend time with other friends or walk away from the friendship. I couldn’t be doing with the drama of freezing or being frozen out, sounds a bit playground.

morningsareshit · 13/10/2022 07:33

Also, as others have said, talk of freezing people out is an immature and unhelpful way of dealing with friendship issues.

Aprilx · 13/10/2022 07:34

If you had frozen me out because I didn’t want to do something you wanted to do, I also would have moved in found other friends and maybe wouldn’t be that keen on getting too close to you again.

Move on, find new friends and maybe don’t engage in behaviour like freezing friends out, it isn’t something normal adults do.

3rdtimeisacharm · 13/10/2022 07:42

If you hadn't told me in your OP that you left school 12y ago I'd assume you were still at school. "Freezing" people out?' Grow up. Sensible adults don't do things like this.

Have a long hard think about how to treat friends properly before you seek out any new ones please

MolkosTeenageAngst · 13/10/2022 07:43

Of course YABU. You can’t ‘freeze out’ a close friend for 4 months and expect to pick things up where they were left off as if nothing happened. If you’re part of her social and support network and you made yourself unavailable it’s understandable she was going to focus on developing other friendships to fill the gap left by you, you can’t just walk back in and expect her to now drop the friend who supported her during the time you were ‘freezing out.’

You sound very hard work, maybe the friendship with the other person is easy and doesn’t involve things like ‘freezing out’ which you’d expect to have been left in the primary school playground, not carried into your adult friendships. The whole dynamic sounds ridiculous!

Original poster
Evla21 · 13/10/2022 07:43

Like my above post mentioned - I wasn't in a stable mood and she totally understood that as she would ask our mutual friend how I was coping and doing. She knew that I wouldn't do that in a right frame of mind but also knew that I needed space

OP posts:
MingoDringo · 13/10/2022 07:46

Not sure what freezing someone out means but sounds very immature to me.

I wouldn't want to continue the friendship with you really so I'd carry on being friendly but I would move on to people who didn't do that sort of thing.

TheFuckingDogs · 13/10/2022 07:46

Sounds like the friendship has entered a more low level phase. I would just accept that.
also she is now the parent of a young teen.
you have two small children. Different phases of life.

GentlemanJay · 13/10/2022 07:50

What goes around comes back around. What did you expect?

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 13/10/2022 07:52

I'm Not sure what you are expecting when you "froze her out" I don't know any friends who do that to each other no matter how bad things have got. People seem to take friendships for granted these days - oh this that and the other is triggering so I'm going to step back and then expect to just pick things up where I left when I'm feeling better?

FamilyTreeBuilder · 13/10/2022 08:01

She has her own struggles. She has no headspace for a friend who has a lot of issues to deal with too.

This idea that your besties at primary school are your besties for ever and ever is just more than a bit weird. People change and move on.

waterrat · 13/10/2022 08:07

Op its hard and sad but friendships change and people grow apart.
I would try to focus on building other friendships yourself and this friendship might repair over time

It sounds very intense and over controlling to expect this friend to constantly include you..surely all friends can shift and withstand these sort of changes

Guavafish1 · 13/10/2022 08:14

Best give her time and space.

Your friendship may or may not recover to the ‘pre-freeze’ days. That’s life I guess. But as everyone suggested step back and see what time and space will do.

After that you’ll get your answer (regardless of her new friendship).

phishy · 13/10/2022 08:18

She tells me that this friend is on the sick and she's even bought her clothes!!

my husband and have a nice house and a part-time job. Having all this has never stopped me being there for her (or my other friends).

Shock, horror, she has a friend of benefits! Hmm

You sound very snobby and clingy and I think your friend has realised this, finally.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/10/2022 08:19

To be honest your whole approach to this (both of you) sounds quite immature for your age. It sounds like the kind of behaviour which people indulge in at secondary school but by the time you have children of your own you should have grown out of it.

"Freezing out" of friends is definitely not something grown women should do and I can't blame her for feeling there's some distance between you after this.

Friendships evolve and change as people get older and sometimes the shape and scope of a friendship changes. The classic mistake people often make is to get frustrated and upset when this happens and try to force the friendship back to what it was like at the start, which is usually counterproductive.

I think you need to give one another a bit of space and to become a bit more emotionally self-reliant and develop other friendships. Accept that your friendship may not be the same as it was, allow one another to make other new friendships but be open to being friends again in the future.

HowzAboutIt · 13/10/2022 08:23

She is probably protecting herself from the hurt of being ghosted/frozen out. Your friendship may never recover fully but that is on you, for whatever (understandable or not) reason you behaved as you did.

She sounds a good friend to you, asking mutual friends how you are and giving you the space you needed.

Keep trying, but realise she is right to protect her own feelings

FetchezLaVache · 13/10/2022 08:23

Evla21 · 13/10/2022 07:43

Like my above post mentioned - I wasn't in a stable mood and she totally understood that as she would ask our mutual friend how I was coping and doing. She knew that I wouldn't do that in a right frame of mind but also knew that I needed space

This suggests that your friend loves you and will always care for you, but as others have said perhaps doesn't want to get burned again.

But she's allowed to make new friends irrespective of the state of your friendship.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/10/2022 08:29

OP you can understand something but still be hurt by it and wary of getting too close again

PatchworkElmer · 13/10/2022 08:29

You we’re unavailable to her for 4 months, regardless of the reason. She wasn’t unreasonable to fill her time with other friends and she’s not unreasonable to continue doing so now.

greystarblanchard · 13/10/2022 08:31

Why would she want to be friends with someone where there are constant breaks or “freezing each other out” as you put it. Maybe this other friend is more mature and reliable. There was also no need for you to point out that she is a single mom and you have a “husband and nice house” … very weird.

hattie43 · 13/10/2022 08:49

You've frozen her out so she's probably not wanting to get too invested again .

LactoseTheIntolerant · 13/10/2022 08:51

I think you either need to accept that this friendship is not what is was when you were at school or just let it go. The freezing out thing on both sides sounds co-dependent and controlling and is not good for your mh (or hers). Friendships do change over time and shared history isn't a reason to remain friends if both sides are unhappy.