Friendship worries? I'm sorry it's so long 😬

[Evla21]

A group of friends and I have been friends since we were 10yrs old. We all went through secondary school together and have stayed close since we finished school 12 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, our lives have all gone in different directions. Me - married with a family, another in a very good job. One of us in a career and another a single parent.

All of us have supported our single parent friend from day 1, and now her child is in secondary school.

I've recently had my own children with my husband and have a nice house and a part-time job. Having all this has never stopped me being there for her (or my other friends).

Me and this friend also have a connection in our families, so we're a bit closer in that way too.

I've been in a bad place mentally (during my second pregnancy) she was the one who alerted my family of this. She's struggled with her anxiety since she had an abusive relationship between her and the father of her child.

We had a break in our friendship when I froze her out after she didn't want to do something together (I was in a bad place at this time)

We didn't speak with eachother (still friends though) for nearly 4m. This happened with us in the past, her freezing me out.

We've rekindled our friendship but I feel like she's
not the same approachable, close friend I used to have. She doesn't think so.

Before our second break, my friend had struck up a new friendship with another woman. I became secondary to this new friend and she started to hang out with this women and put our friendship to a backburner.

My point is, since having a friendship break, my friend has continued to do this. She's always got plans with this women and I never get a look in.

When I ask her out to do something she makes some excuse (she's always been a bit flakey but not to spend time with someone else). I know she's struggling with her own mental health and I try to be there for her as much as possible but I feel like the friendship is one-way. She tells me that this friend is on the sick and she's even bought her clothes!!

I know it's normal to have different friendshop groups and that doesn't bother me as the four of us have them.

Please tell me, am I being paranoid, stupid or unreasonable? It's keeping me awake at night 😔

TIA

If you freeze someone out, you must expect two things afterwards. The first is that they won't trust you to be vulnerable to again. The second is that they will have moved on in the interim. Both of those things have happened.

Your mental health would be an excuse if you hadn't just picked one person to freeze out. A general withdrawal would be understandable. That's not what you did.

I'm afraid you'll have to put this down to experience. You're still young, obviously.

Your friendship has evolved into something different to the friendship you had before.
Life got in the way. Children and mental health and everything else you can think of give people different priorities.
Stay friends always but stop obsessing over something that you will never get back simply because it has changed

You think you did the right thing by ignoring her rather than saying horrible things?

Those were the two options?

Neither of those behaviours are an option for a healthy, accountable adult. Most of us manage friendships without having to resort to either. I think you need to do some work on yourself. But no, you're not at all a bad person. Freezing her out is definitely better than saying hateful things but the consequences are what they are. It's a bit entitled to expect the dynamic to be there to pick up again. It's still a damaging thing to do to someone.

But what you're describing a decision to take some time out from the friendship, or from all friendships, and telling the person that is an entirely different thing to 'freezing someone out', which is how you described it earlier., when you also described it as a reaction to her not wanting to do something with you When I was deeply depressed in 2020, I didn't speak to one of my closest friends for almost a year. I told her I didn't feel up to talking, but that I would be back as soon as I felt able. She periodically sent checking-in texts, and I replied to one or two, maybe, over the course of the year. But that wasn't 'freezing someone out', that was telling someone I valued I was taking a step back for my own MH. When I felt better, I contacted her again, and we're closer than ever.

Sorry, strikethrough fail.

I don't think I really know how to describe it, other than the description you've given me.

Thank you for your help and hope 😊

Sounds like the friendship has run its course, op. I'd let it fizzle out and move on.

@Evla21 if you "@" the people you are replying to it makes your comments easier to work out who you are talking to