Friendship worries? I'm sorry it's so long 😬

[Evla21]

A group of friends and I have been friends since we were 10yrs old. We all went through secondary school together and have stayed close since we finished school 12 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, our lives have all gone in different directions. Me - married with a family, another in a very good job. One of us in a career and another a single parent.

All of us have supported our single parent friend from day 1, and now her child is in secondary school.

I've recently had my own children with my husband and have a nice house and a part-time job. Having all this has never stopped me being there for her (or my other friends).

Me and this friend also have a connection in our families, so we're a bit closer in that way too.

I've been in a bad place mentally (during my second pregnancy) she was the one who alerted my family of this. She's struggled with her anxiety since she had an abusive relationship between her and the father of her child.

We had a break in our friendship when I froze her out after she didn't want to do something together (I was in a bad place at this time)

We didn't speak with eachother (still friends though) for nearly 4m. This happened with us in the past, her freezing me out.

We've rekindled our friendship but I feel like she's
not the same approachable, close friend I used to have. She doesn't think so.

Before our second break, my friend had struck up a new friendship with another woman. I became secondary to this new friend and she started to hang out with this women and put our friendship to a backburner.

My point is, since having a friendship break, my friend has continued to do this. She's always got plans with this women and I never get a look in.

When I ask her out to do something she makes some excuse (she's always been a bit flakey but not to spend time with someone else). I know she's struggling with her own mental health and I try to be there for her as much as possible but I feel like the friendship is one-way. She tells me that this friend is on the sick and she's even bought her clothes!!

I know it's normal to have different friendshop groups and that doesn't bother me as the four of us have them.

Please tell me, am I being paranoid, stupid or unreasonable? It's keeping me awake at night 😔

TIA

Freezing each other out is just not a friendship anyway is it? Sounds like tit for tat.

She's allowed to make new friends, regardless of your mental state. And being psychologically fragile isn't any kind of free pass for bad behaviour.

But what I find deeply strange is the emphasis in your first post on the exact 'status' of everyone in the friendship group -- the career person, the part-time person, the 'single parent' (as though these were mutually-exclusive things, when every single parent I know has a career, because they're supporting a child or children...)

All of us have supported our single parent friend from day 1, and now her child is in secondary school.

I've recently had my own children with my husband and have a nice house and a part-time job. Having all this has never stopped me being there for her (or my other friends).

Unpick the logic of this. Do you think you're doing your friend a favour by 'supporting her'? Isn't this just what friends do? Why would having a 'nice house', a husband, or children prevent you 'being there' for her?

Reading between the lines here, you are status-obsessed, you think you're doing 'better' than your old friend, and you appear to think she should be grateful you're still friends with her. Plus you don't like having someone on benefits preferred to you.

Think about what all this says about you.

The dynamics of the friendship have change so you need to reframe your expectations. She’s moved on to a degree and she’s entitled to new friendships. I think in your shoes I’d concentrate on building other close friendships but not necessarily “freeze” this person out totally just accept your friendship has changed

So myself and my friends are in our late 20’s and have been friends since primary and secondary school

I’m going to be honest, as hard as it is to realise this… your friendships are going to change and that is sad but completely normal

I have had a hard time with this lately because myself and one of my close friends were pregnant at the same time and I lost my pregnancy and hers continued (she is about to give birth) and our friendship has unfortunately changed due to this. I’m also married whilst some friends are single. Some have amazing careers and some still do not know what they want to do in life. My friends all made new friends from university but I never went to uni and have a smaller circle than they do.

I’m currently pregnant again and fingers crossed that I have a healthy baby, I am going to become a mother and my friendships will most likely change/adapt to my new life as a mum.

YANBU for feeling sad and upset about this change in your friendships but you do have to accept that it is normal and your friend has made a new closer friend but this is just life

I totally agree shes entitled to have other friends/friendship groups. That's absolutely not the point of this post, but that I can't spend time with her (with or without) this person. The person is lovely don't get me wrong and she's also got her own mental health issues.

I'm definitely not status obsessed. I come from a family where family and friends are everything and if it means that you sometimes have to take a break from that then that's what you need to do.
I did this to prevent sending her an inflammatory and totally hurtful message. I refuse to do that so I paused to take a step back and sort out my mental health.

I'm trying to point out that we went different ways after being in school together and understand that people have different priorities in life - careers, children etc.

I absolutely had no problem supporting her, she's my friend and it was/is my priority.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. That definitely could not have been easy 😔.

You're absolutely correct in saying that I'm sad and upset about the situation.

I'm sure you'll make a brilliant mother - good luck in being a new mother xx 💕

Nowhere did I say that she wasn't "fine".

She is absolutely fine with our Friendship.
I gues what my post is trying to explain that is Infind it difficult to spend time with her while she's spending the majority of her time with another person and alway has plans with this person.

I'm sorry if my post didn't make that clear??

Okay so you are finding it hard that the friendship has changed significantly - you aren't her best friend anymore and she sees you but has better friends elsewhere

I sympathise - the worst pain ever can be around friendships, it's hugely emotional - BUT - in life - the key to happiness is flexibility and acceptance. What is the point in resisting the change ? You can't make her feel differently.

I had a best friend at school who has come in and out of my life over the years - I miss her sometimes as at the moment I rarely see her - but perhaps that will shift later on.

I think it would be healthy for you to look at widening your own social circle.

I think you've kind of got the whole jist of my post, instead of just calling me status obsessed, weird, and generally a bad friend.

Thank you for that.

I'm finding it so difficult as it's change. I don't cope with changes at the best of times.
Thank you for understanding how emotional this is without insulting me 💕

Thank you OP

It is sad and upsetting when friendships do this

It is definitely hard watching people you think of best friends drift away and have that friendship with others. I’ve been on both sides of this admittedly.

I would say if your friend wanted to spend time with you they would xx

She is this Tuesday.
I'm trying to rebuild my friendship as I know it's been strained due to this.

From all this, I can make sure that we just remain friends, even if isn't as close xx

I would maybe tell her Thursday how you miss you two being closer

One of my friends messaged me one day and said she felt like I was prioritising other friends over her constantly and whilst she knew I was closer to these friends she missed our old friendship. After a bit of thinking I realised I was doing this without really thinking and totally understood why she was upset. We’re now a lot closer

I would say tell her how you feel

This makes me feel like we have some hope to go back to "how it used to be".

However, I know we are in different phases of life and sometimes that sucks as you're torn between having become and adult an proud of how far you've come vs, mourning your carefree 20s.

I think reading this is something I've found is normal to drift to a degree and who knows maybe we'll drift back together again as close as we used to be.

I assure you, that I'm not controlling, status obsessive, immature person. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I'm a good person, who wants to maintain a strong friendship with a childhood friend, no matter how we drift in and out.

It sounds like 'freezing her out' backfired and she wasn't sufficiently devastated. Instead she made a new friend which wasn't the result you were going for. And to rub salt in the wound she replaced you with someone with mental health issues on benefits. The nerve of her 🤷‍♀️

The thing is, in the kindest possible way, what did you expect her to do during the months that you discarded her? Wait? It's irrelevant the reason for doing so, it still happened and she moved on during that time.

You all sound about 12 years old. Freezing people out indeed!

You’re not immature for feeling this way!

I think it is normal to miss our carefree days where we would see our friends all the time, not have bills to pay, houses to clean and children who we are responsible for

Actually I was feeling a bit overwhelmed yesterday because I realised in a year I’ve moved in with partner, got engaged, married, and been pregnant twice. As much as I love being married and pregnant again sometimes I miss the times of going abroad a lot or going bars and just seeing friends all the time lol

As I said in my post. During this time she would ask how I was and I kept saying to our mutual friend, I just need space.

She acknowledged that and didn't want to push things. Neither did I as I wasn't emotionally stable enough. If I'm being honest I tried to prevent all of my friends from being subject to my emotions and only met when I felt in a for state to do so.

I never expected her to wait but she acknowledged the frame of mind I wa in and it wasn't going to be a great outcome during thos time

I don't think it did and she didn't replace me, I'm still her friend and always was. She knew why I took a backseat from our friendship.

Also, shehe didn't make a new friend, she was already friends with this person before...

I have an old friend, 25+ years. We were really close in early adulthood, but as time went by, different life experiences and different ways of doing " friendship", we are now in a place where she's more like a sort of relative who you aren't super close with, but you still wish them well and are happy to see them and are pleased to hear that things are good with them.
I have her on a kind of "friendship slow cooker", in that I still like her as a person, meet up possibly a couple of times a year/ 18 months, but don't wish to push for anymore friendship wise, because we prioritise different things at this stage of our lives. This doesn't necessarily mean that in the future we can't be close again, but I have close friends who are a much better "fit" at this moment in my life.

This sounds way too intense and hard work for me.

You seem to think the world revolves around you. That she should be sitting on the sidelines, asking about you, ready to jump when you give the nod. Well good on her she didn’t do that.

I think the best thing for you to do is take a learning, consider how you treat people in future and what consequences might look like.

Definitely not. As I said, I understand that she had her own mental health issues and as a friend, I have supported her too.

If not maintaining contact with someone for 4months to save eachothers mental health (and my saying regretfully horrible things) makes me a bad person then 🤷.

I definitely don't expect her to "jump when I give her the nod" but when we went to a mutual friends birthday, we both decided that we would rekindle our friendship - let's forget about it all and say no more - her, to that effect.

Me apologizing in response.

I'm just glad that we were given the opportunity to meet and doesn't mean I've given her the 'nod".

In curious.. how did I treat her? I prevented a regretful conversation...?