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Original poster

To ask how to handle difficult neighbour

72 replies

ShouldIdo · 12/10/2022 10:29

So, we have a property that we do not live in full time, it is a holiday let and we use it as much as possible. We are retiring there in around 18 months.

We are carrying out improvements, the last of which were about 2.5 years ago. This was a driveway, we spoke with our neighbour (it is a shared driveway), we wanted to replace our half as it was broken up concrete, dangerous and full of puddles. She was extremely unhappy about this, didn't want us to do it, was "concerned" we would destabilise the shared drain, very difficult. We discussed exactly where it would come to, explained that as the drain was shared, any issues caused would be as much as a problem to us as it would her. We were using the local builder, who she knows as he lives in the same road. It was all agreed, at the time, we told her works were being carried out in January/Feb, on speaking further to the builder he advised that was not a good time of year as he was concerned the digger would get stuck, we emailed and advised it would be sometime in May and we would keep her informed. Builder confirmed two weeks before it was to be started, emailed and confirmed to neighbour, didn't hear a thing. Builder turned up and she was angry, didn't want them to start work, didn't know where the drive was coming to (it was all marked out from previously), caused a complete issue and in the end I had to go down there to appease her with confirming the drive would go to the mark, work got carried out, drain ok, cut down between the two edges of the drive perfect, no issues, even offered to pay for her car to be cleaned as it was made dusty, no response, so it didn't happen.

We now want to have our back fence replaced, typically our fence is the one that borders her garden. By complete coincidence I heard her talking to another neighbour about the fence, he advised that it is always the left hand fence as you looked at the property, which it isn't of course, we have checked our deeds, run it by our solicitor and it is our fence.

Couple of examples of other things that have happened, her neighbour the other side erected a fence between their and her conservatory, they had the property up for sale at the time, she rang the agent and told them she was unhappy with the fence and gleefully told me that they told her that they would no longer market the property (absolute rubbish of course, the house sold and the people moved).

We had an issue with our shared drain (prior to the new drive), I arrange for a "dyno rod" type man to visit and unblock it, I paid for it and it was cleared all good, he advised that it caused an issue for both sides, so it was an equal problem. He knocked on her door on arrival, no answer so as he didn't need permission as it was a shared drain, he cleared it and went on his. She called my letting agent (not sure how she found out who it was) and advised them she wasn't happy. They called me a little bemused and just relayed the conversation. I contacted her and she really couldn't answer what the issue was. I explained a shared drain is that it's shared and I wasn't charging her.

She has fallen out with a number of neighbours in the street.

So, when and how do I advise that we are having a new fence erected? I don't think we "legally" have to, but to keep relationships no worse than they are, should I email? Call? Face to face? I can give an approximate timescale, but this is part of a garden renovation, so it is dependent on weather etc.

I do not want to "pander" to this neighbour in any way, because no matter what I do, she moans. We had a dog when we first bought the property, he sadly passed away and we after 18 months got a new puppy. She wasn't happy with that as her cats like to go in our garden, well sorry, but our dog, our garden, our dog will bark at the cats, but would not hurt them. Previously she had a major issue at work and wanted to try for constructive dismissal. I assisted a lot as I have some knowledge in this area, helped her construct emails, whilst advising that she need to be realistic of the potential outcome, she was not successful.

Sorry, this is so long, but any thoughts would be appreciated.

Sorry, that is so long.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/10/2022 10:36

I would pop an note through the door saying 'new fence will be erected on x date so if there is anything bordering the fence she needs to remove please do so by that date as the work will not be being delayed' . And I would leave it at that.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/10/2022 10:40

It’s difficult when you have a neighbour who is a bit stroppy. I think it’s worth retrying to keep on as good terms as possible with her as you are planning to live there permanently.

In her defence, it’s not great living next to a holiday let. With the best will in the world, people on holiday are not living to the same timescale as residents, and there is inevitably some tension.

I would write to her about the fence, in a letter, or maybe a card if you could find a nice one. Then you have informed her , but in a’neighbourly’ way. Maybe you could begin ‘ I m sure will be pleased that we are going to replace the horrible old fence….’. You could take a copy for your records.

it’s a bummer to placate them, but going a few steps at least means you have tried not to wind them up.

Original poster
ShouldIdo · 12/10/2022 10:40

Sorry didn't mean to action voting!

🙄

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 12/10/2022 10:43

Will they need to go onto her land to put up the new fence? If not, just email her to notify her that it's happening and roughly when. If they do then you'll need her permission which is more tricky as she sounds awkward.

Original poster
ShouldIdo · 12/10/2022 10:44

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen I do understand that, but strangely enough she always tries to befriend them. I have had friends down there and given them the heads up and if she sees visitors she chats, although friends have said, she always gives a dig about us. She is quite a complex character, although this is by no means personal, it's quite a number of the neighbours.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIdo · 12/10/2022 10:46

PragmaticWench · 12/10/2022 10:43

Will they need to go onto her land to put up the new fence? If not, just email her to notify her that it's happening and roughly when. If they do then you'll need her permission which is more tricky as she sounds awkward.

They don't "think" so, but like anything they start something, and the simplest job becomes complex. This is the last job that will mean corresponding with her in anyway, thankfully.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 12/10/2022 10:47

I would head any arguments off at the start by including a copy of the plans which show it is legally your fence. And advise the timescale. Leave it at that.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 12/10/2022 10:50

Or just ignore her completely unless it's an issue where you actually legally need her consent for a shared "thing".
Just don't engage. Tell your letting agent to "smile and wave" or whatever the equivalent is if she phoned - maybe a polite "we will pass your message on to the Shoulds" and then ignore her.
It sounds like anything and everything you do will be cause for her to complain, so just let her moan and take no notice.

Original poster
ShouldIdo · 12/10/2022 10:52

theemmadilemma · 12/10/2022 10:47

I would head any arguments off at the start by including a copy of the plans which show it is legally your fence. And advise the timescale. Leave it at that.

I did think that, you don't think that is confrontational, sort of saying "before you start" it's our fence.

OP posts:
readsalotgirl63 · 12/10/2022 10:53

Having had my own difficulties with a neighbour I would advise doing everything in writing so there is no possibility of "oh but I thought you meant ...." and don't engage in conversation about repairs etc.

With regard to the fence - an email or letter clearly stating you have checked the deeds, confirmed with the solicitor that the fence is yours and will be replaced on x date by Mr Z contractor. I would add that the contractor will do all work as far as possible from your side but neighbour will appreciate this might involve some stepping on to their property so you are advising them of the date of the work. Finish up by saying if you do not hear from them within 7 days of the date of the letter you will assume it is ok to proceed.

Original poster
ShouldIdo · 12/10/2022 10:55

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 12/10/2022 10:50

Or just ignore her completely unless it's an issue where you actually legally need her consent for a shared "thing".
Just don't engage. Tell your letting agent to "smile and wave" or whatever the equivalent is if she phoned - maybe a polite "we will pass your message on to the Shoulds" and then ignore her.
It sounds like anything and everything you do will be cause for her to complain, so just let her moan and take no notice.

This is correct, I 100% know she will moan!

OP posts:
readsalotgirl63 · 12/10/2022 10:55

Is it confrontational to say upfront that it is your fence ? Absolutely not - much better to be clear and upfront from the very beginning rather than have her labouring under a false assumption that it may be her fence or a shared fence.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS advice is good - do not engage unless absolutely essential.

DismantledKing · 12/10/2022 10:56

Whichever way you approach this, she’ll take it the wrong way by the sound of it. Some people are just mad and difficult unfortunately.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 12/10/2022 10:57

Just do everything by the book and completely ignore her, at best she’s lonely and at worst she is paranoid. I’d consider selling up, you don’t want to live next to someone like that, she’ll suck the life out of you.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 11:03

When are you next down there? If it’s before work is due to start, go round and tell her in person. She’ll moan at you etc etc, say it’s her fence blah blah, and you’ll then follow up with an email saying ‘as per our chat on X date, we’re replacing our fence this year, we’ll let you know when we have a date from the contractors, and I’ve enclosed the deeds showing it’s our fence, thanks, etc’

You can’t stop her moaning or causing a fuss when the work actually starts so just resign yourself to that.

MarmaladeFatkins · 12/10/2022 11:07

I think your work on driveway was probably covered by party wall requirements? but not fence, unless it's a wall. www.gov.uk/party-walls-building-works

Catonamountain · 12/10/2022 11:09

I couldn't live next door to someone like that but I take stuff to heart too much. Yes agree if you give an inch she'll take a mile, information on a need to know basis only

pocketvenuss · 12/10/2022 11:20

You could start with 'you'll be pleased to know that upon checking, the fence is our responsibility so costs will be ours...'. Make her feel like she's winning

Beautiful3 · 12/10/2022 11:20

I wouldn't say anything and just get it done ASAP. Unless she has dogs to keep secure, then I'd post a note a few days before hand.

readsalotgirl63 · 12/10/2022 11:23

Sorry - this type of person will always find something to be difficult about so I would definitely be very business like and clear in any communication. I would really not go and "chat".

SarahAndQuack · 12/10/2022 11:25

I agree with the PP saying she'll likely take it wrong however you phrase it. I'd just inform her, politely, that work will take place on [date] so that she knows.

And I'd carry on acting as pleasantly as possible otherwise. Adopt a general air of being far too busy to remember that she has had problems with you in the past, smile and nod.

I have an irritating neighbour and this is my approach. My neighbour is an inventive and persistent complainer about trivia (essentially, she is still annoyed that she doesn't have full access to our garden and outbuildings, which her husband used to have before he died, because back in the 90s he was friends with the man who lived here and they grew their veg together). I just consign each complaint to the trash bin of my memory and make a point of smiling breezily next time I see her.

greenhousegal · 12/10/2022 11:36

Holiday home you say, and you plan to retire there you say? I really hope you have a happy time in your home.

BUT.... I could not live like that with a neighbour constantly driving me up the walls with controlling, nosey, bullying trivia. Some retirement!

I know you have put a lot of investment into your property and moving isn't the absolute solution, but have you had a look around the area for maybe a smaller house that's detached with its own driveway and no flipping neighbours!

Sorry I am not helping you much, but we all just get a snapshot from posts made, and I would not be able to tolerate this interference whilst waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I wish you well though, and if you have the fight in you - do as others have advised. I'm useless at this sort of thing myself.

Overandunderit · 12/10/2022 11:37

You know she'll moan regardless. I'd write to her be very objective and leave it at that.

Think about what you'd like to know if the situation was reversed and go with that. You'll never win her over.

Catonamountain · 12/10/2022 11:43

greenhousegal · 12/10/2022 11:36

Holiday home you say, and you plan to retire there you say? I really hope you have a happy time in your home.

BUT.... I could not live like that with a neighbour constantly driving me up the walls with controlling, nosey, bullying trivia. Some retirement!

I know you have put a lot of investment into your property and moving isn't the absolute solution, but have you had a look around the area for maybe a smaller house that's detached with its own driveway and no flipping neighbours!

Sorry I am not helping you much, but we all just get a snapshot from posts made, and I would not be able to tolerate this interference whilst waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I wish you well though, and if you have the fight in you - do as others have advised. I'm useless at this sort of thing myself.

Totally me too! I couldn't cope. I've got family like her and it's bad enough!

Lentil63 · 12/10/2022 11:48

we’ve had ongoing difficulties with one of our next door neighbours throughout our lengthy renovation project. It can’t have been nice to live next to a building site but she has been really tricksy!
We remained polite, involved her in anything which might concern her, listened to all her concerns and where possible accommodated them.
As it happens the latest issue is the boundary between her property and ours, it’s her boundary and we’ve worked with her to establish a solution we can both live with.
We bought this house to retire to as you have, we really don’t want to be on bad terms with our neighbours.
If I were you I’d knock on her door, I think a note through the door seems very unfriendly personally. Take a copy of the deeds to show her if she asks but advise her to check her own deeds. Perhaps because you aren’t around to speak to all the time she feels anxious about what’s happening and she could be put out about the property having holiday tenants, my son lives close to a property let out on air B&B and it causes him endless aggravation.
Try to put yourself in her position, I wonder if she lives alone and doesn’t have anyone much to talk to about her worries, that always amplifies them. Be kind and thoughtful and she cannot have anything to reasonably berate you for and you might find things turn out ok in the end. Our new neighbour recently told my husband that she couldn’t wish for better neighbours! Good luck!