Partners sleeping on maternity ward?

[Jaaxe]

I’m due a csection in December, it’s not my first csection so I know birth recovery especially csection isn’t a walk in the park with a newborn and that having your partner in the hospital is helpful and good for bonding but aibu to think partners shouldn't be allowed to stay overnight to sleep in the bays alongside all the other female patients overnight? A side room is fine with me but a bay with other female patients at their most vulnerable, no thanks. I think the flexible visiting during the day is great but having partners camped next to your bed with just a curtain between is a no from me. Aibu?

No person should be financially penalised for requiring extra support that the NHS isn’t able to provide.

The problem is the range of help needed. If you don't need help with your baby and you're in and out in 48 hours it's not too bad. I was in ten days with my first as he was badly jaundiced. I birthed him with forceps and had massive pain which meant I could barely get out of bed and no one but him believed me so I was reliant on him and other guests to lean on because the midwives kept being stern about how I should be fine now. It took a week before anyone actually checked and found a tear they had missed - and they had to give me gas and air for that because by then I was in so much pain them touching it was terrifying. The hours he wasn't around to help were awful because no one else did help. We had to discharge against advice in the end because I was hysterical with exhaustion.

I got the lovely covid stuck in a ward overnight without anyone to help after a section experience. It was dreadful. I couldn’t pick the baby up or put him down myself. I couldn’t reach over and get a drink of water. And there just we’re not enough staff to help me. I’d press the button and wait for ages. It was really terrible.

after they’d taken the catheter out I was told explicitly not to stand up the first time on my own. But there was no one available to help me and make sure I didn’t fall so I just had to get on with everything myself. Really reassuring after being explicitly told not to stand up and walk to the toilet on my own.

In all honestly, I think the biggest problem is not having partners stay to support with things; it’s that there are hardly any private rooms. I’ve had 3 children and the shared ward has been hideous every single time - and that’s without partners being able to stay any of the times. I don’t believe it’s the presence of other people’s partners that makes the postnatal award experience terrible. It’s just easy to assume it would be great without them, when you haven’t experienced the alternative.

Thinking women should have female only spaces does not equal hating men FFS.

I do understand why others might want and need their partners there after birth, I certainly did because I had an emergency section that just went incredibly wrong and I ended up very poorly, barely conscious, unable to move, many blood transfusions, catheter etc.

We had a toddler at home so I had to just cope on my own in the end.

That being said the other men on the ward were the most incredibly disgusting, disrespectful sods. They refused to use their toilet and left poo literally all over the toilet and wall, watched films late into the night on full blast volume, wandered around half clothed in the dead of night, one of them was so creepy he kept ‘forgetting’ his partners bay and whipping back the curtain to mine then just standing there in silence smirking/staring at me, they would eat our food trays and the bay opposite me her partner kept trying to cajole her into giving him a wank under the blanket.

The midwives were too understaffed to help but by the last one I epically lost my shit from all the terrifying nonsense and had what I can only describe as a breakdown.

I get most men are nice men but why should I have had to go through all of that when I’m trying to recover from a serious surgery with complications, and bond with my baby?

If there’s no way of policing these men then they shouldn’t be allowed there at night in my opinion, that being said staffing is woeful and needs looking at too though it’s the NHS so it likely won’t ever be.

@Lachimolala what and where the hell hospital we're you in?? I've never come across a entire group of unrelated revolting men. You were very unlucky

In this particular instance, no - it is the responsibility of the ward staff to ensure that women and babies get sufficient care.

Of course that doesn't mean that generally your partner doesn't have responsibility for his own child 🙄.

Who are you suggesting cares for the babies of single mums/ mums whose partners can't be there if this is the "responsibility" of the absent or non-existent partner? Are those babies just not entitled to any care?

Just a reminder that not every woman giving birth will be an adult, I was only a teenager.
Thankfully men were not allowed to stay overnight, but they were there all day.

We weren't allowed the curtain shut for "safety reasons" so I had to try and move around, feed, dress, clean myself up, all with curtains open and strange men in the room.

One midwife took an instant dislike to me and would loudly scold me for minor things, meaning everyone would turn and stare at me.

One man would openly gawp at other women whilst his partner sobbed, he was no help at all.

One man, who was right next to me, used to fart and laugh about it for hours.

One man, whose partners bed was right beside the loo, used to position his chair halfway across the toilet door so you had to ask him to move or squeeze by as he smirked. Although one day a rather large woman nearly sent him side ways as she barged past whilst shouting "oot the way a need a shite"

I wont have any more children, but I am strongly in favour of women only spaces, especially at night

I can definitely see both sides of this. I don’t think it’s acceptable that women who can’t walk, have a catheter and are generally in a right old state, are left alone with a newborn. It feels like God is playing a very cruel joke.

I am in favour of this, it was a trial when/where I gave birth to my youngest, there were very clear rules, my then husband couldn't stay coz other children but other mums benefitted from it, there were different cultures represented in the mums and dads, and some partners could be female. it's only a step on from partners being in the recovery area, it's helpful so let's do it 👏🏽

Not sure I want to out myself and where I live lol! I can say it’s a maternity hospital,
one of the biggest in England not down south.

That being said I don’t think I was that unlucky, it seems to be the norm. I had very similar experiences in my last two births there. Yet a completely different one with my eldest who was born years ago when men had to keep to visiting hours (at the same hospital).

My two friends recently had children at the same hospital and reported back similar issues with the men on the wards, one more serious goings on than the other.

So it seems a frequent happening.

What if you were alone with a load of strange women, their male partners and didn't have your partner by your side because he was at home looking after other children or you didn't have one? That would presumably be worse.

@OoooohMatron
Hospitals need to ensure that women get the help they need after giving birth but from staff, not partners

Yes yes. Hardly a groundbreaking concept but the pout is hospitals are not providing this. And in a situation where someone is incapable of feeding and parenting their child and even incapable of going to the toilet on their own due to being post surgical, all the grand statements of fear should happen are fairly useless. The safety and basic functions of a woman and newborn baby have higher priority over the potential or perceived risk to others. Should we be in this situation? No. Of course not. But here we are.

Again, it's only women suffering isn't it. I can't imagine men in a state where they can not function or even keep a newborn baby alive in a male ward would demand no female over nighters.

Yours and others outrage is aimed at the wrong people. It should be aimed at the system that puts women in a position where they need outside help to manage their basic functions. ^^

I don’t know if you have had a baby recently but 30 odd years ago when I was born it was the more midwives job to look after the baby sure. I even got taken away so my mum could sleep in peace.
Midwives now do not see it as their job to care for the baby beyond basic medical needs. They don’t feed the baby, they don’t dress the baby if you are unable to, they don’t help you change the baby if you don’t know what you are doing, they don’t settle the baby if you are unable to get out of bed after major surgery.

I genuinely have no idea why you keep bringing up single mums. A single mum obviously has to do everything without a partner and I would hope she was lucky enough to have a supportive mum or friend to help both in and out of the hospital.

Why should I struggle more than necessary because a percentage of women are single mothers?? Why is that relevant to me in the slightest? I’m not going to completely parent my child without the help of their father because some women are single.

Should I do everything at home too because single mothers have to?

If the structure of maternity hospitals is changing then the hospitals themselves need to change too. Individual rooms, not 6 or 8 bed bays.
Separate wards for women only /women and partners.
Distinct rules for partners - a few for example
Suitably clothed at all times.
Only use of toilet facilities in the room or for visitors.
No sexual activity.

I agree with you. I did suggest upthread that another solution would be to have a female friend or relative stay if the mother needs someone with them. It's not ideal but at least it wouldn't make women more vulnerable.

Simply put... it's not that you should do everything because single mums have to.

It's that your partner being there overnight in a space with vulnerable, unaccompanied women is a threat to the dignity and safety of those women. Doesn't matter how nice he is... his presence is still a threat. So he shouldn't be there. Instead, you should be provided with the help you need.

My view is men should not be permitted to stay in maternity wards.

Whilst there are staffing shortages, having a partner stay to help basically care for mother/child is not a solution and brings other issues. I appreciate some people feel having their partner there helped them. Probably made it worse for other women on the ward though.

I’m wondering which other wards in a hospital would permit this? These are women with birthing injuries as well as recovering from major surgery. Add in the intimate nature of recovery (we’re not talking sore elbows where you can just roll up a sleeve) and mat wards are no place for men. I stood up to go to the loo and large clots fell out of me, very visible all on the floor. I had to hold onto a midwife to get there whilst holding a pad between my legs and blood all over me. I don’t want some random man there observing that - total lack of dignity.

More controversially I think visiting times are a little too long as well. Mothers are in hospital to recover from a major physical (as well as mental/emotional) event in their lives and need rest. How anyone can sleep with a parade of people visiting is silly.

The problem isn't men staying on wards with their partners, the problem is no privacy or quiet because of flimsy ward curtains!! Who thought that was a good idea?? The communal hospital ward premise needs to be scrapped and replaced with individual lockable cubicles. They don't have to be fancy rooms. I'm thinking more like the ones you get in sports centres, but they should have a lock on the door that can only be unlocked by you or a health professional. Plus two lots of sex segregated showers clearly marked.

@Kindofcrunchy there are important safety reasons for things not being lockable so I don’t think that would work

I appreciate some people feel having their partner there helped them.

This seems intentionally minimising to me. “Help” is probably a massive understatement - I think many women would be more inclined to use the word “saved” or something similar. Also the idea that women “feel” it helped them, as opposed to it having definitively helped them by any objective standard.

Try “I know some people needed their partner there” instead, for example, and then we come to a different conclusion.

Everyones needs are valid - we can’t win by just minimising the needs of someone else. We have to respect and honour everyone’s needs.

@Goldbar Simply put... it's not that you should do everything because single mums have to.

Then stop constantly bringing up single mothers in an attempt to belittle my feelings that I ‘couldn’t cope’ with my newborn as you so sensitively put it.
Women who don’t want their partner or any other partner there are not the only ones who need their dignity and safety protected.

Doesn't matter how nice he is... his presence is still a threat. So he shouldn't be there. Instead, you should be provided with the help you need.
At the end of the day hospitals clearly don’t agree with you since the majority of them allow partners to stay overnight.
It’s the status quo and I don’t think there is a genuine appetite to change that, apart from a few fringe opinions.

I had a C section about 6 years ago and this photo was taken from my bed very late at night. Just behind the curtain was a man (partner of woman in bed opposite) and I kept catching a glimpse of his face in the mirror above the sink.

I can’t remember what state of undress I was in, but I was in massive amounts of discomfort as I had horrendous all-over itching as a side effect from the drugs. The staff were annoyed with me as I kept complaining about the itching and they wouldn’t keep the curtain shut.

My memories of that time in hospital were so, so awful - still feel very sad about it

Not a bad idea to bring a personal alarm though so if someone is making you feel unsafe or invading your privacy, you could set it off. I'm sure after a few incidents like that, they'd probably move you to a private room.

Does your partner have an up-to-date enhanced CRB check? That should be the minimum for anyone being given unfettered access to vulnerable patients and children. I'm amazed there isn't at least some sort of screening process in place.