Partners sleeping on maternity ward?

[Jaaxe]

I’m due a csection in December, it’s not my first csection so I know birth recovery especially csection isn’t a walk in the park with a newborn and that having your partner in the hospital is helpful and good for bonding but aibu to think partners shouldn't be allowed to stay overnight to sleep in the bays alongside all the other female patients overnight? A side room is fine with me but a bay with other female patients at their most vulnerable, no thanks. I think the flexible visiting during the day is great but having partners camped next to your bed with just a curtain between is a no from me. Aibu?

Until staffing numbers means that sufficient care can be provided to women then I think that in some cases it is perfectly acceptable to have partners stay so they can provide the care that the maternity staff can’t.

It's pretty much the only option in many cases.

Nobody wants women to feel uncomfortable/vulnerable whilst in hospital but ultimately the needs of a woman who can't even drink a cup of water without assistance trump another who claims to feel 'highly emotional' hearing men outside of the curtain. It's a shame we have to choose between the two but thats how is it.

@FernsAndFlowers

I do believe you and I’m really sorry.

I feel really sad about the night that I was alone without my partner after a 4 day labour and difficult birth with sepsis on 72 hours more or less without sleep. (Until he was allowed to stay with me the following 6 nights in a private room, after it became clear that both myself and DD were not doing great..) That night is one of the worst most traumatic of my life. Thinking about the sense of abandonment triggers a fight or flight response in the here and now.

And it absolutely wasn’t right for you to be scared in the situation you were in either and I believe that was a trauma for you too.

Having been through an awful situation, I can empathise with yours.

We were both failed. I’m really sorry.

Thank you for this comment, its spot on. Posters are saying awful dismissive snide things about partners being there to 'handhold' and women not being able to cope and for my own mental wellbeing I have to assume that it comes from a place of genuine ignorance, rather than understanding and not caring.

I think this is important - letting partners on the ward is a workaround for the intractable problem of having insufficiently staffed postnatal wards. They can’t increase staff to levels required to actually support postnatal women, so the cheap and easy thing to do is let them have someone stay with them - in most cases that’s the baby’s father.

But it’s not without significant downsides. And has driven some kind of expectation that men must be along for the whole birth experience ride - to the extent that some of them seem to totally misunderstand their role is supposed to be support the woman having the baby/who has just delivered it.

One of the many depressing things about having a baby with my STBXH was listening to his moaning and huge sense of entitlement around all of this. In his mind it was his right to be there for the birth of his child and it should be set up to accommodate his wants. The fact he was supposed to be supporting me was entirely lost on him. Then, when i had to go to the postnatal ward alone with the baby, he actually played the victim. Poor diddums being thrown out and having to leave his wife and child to go home all alone (except he went to the pub with a friend). And complained to me, immobilised and exhausted on a postnatal ward after major abdominal surgery with a newborn to care for.

I guess I’m just thoroughly depressed at how easily it becomes about men’s rights or men’s needs or men’s behaviour.

But the fundamental issues is a woefully under resourced NHS.

I think that maternity wards need to be better staffed/funded so that women and babies can be looked after by women. Then husbands wouldn't need to stay making anyone else uncomfortable. With the current state of affairs it is necessary for some women to have a partner there for the safety of the newborn baby, as nurses and midwives are spread too thin. I'm sure that the midwives must actually rely on men to help look after their babies, especially if the mother is numbed from the waist down or recovering from a severe tear. In an ideal world there should be more staff/private rooms and no woman would be made to feel uncomfortable but that's just not the NHS today.

This post is making me angry. Once again it's people fighting against people instead of directing the anger and demands where they should be directed. Women should have safe spaces. Especially when they are in a vulnerable state. Women also should be able to rely on others when they can't even lean across to get a drink of water. Babies have the right to proper neonatal care. Care that is impossible for a new mother who can't move to give. A pp mentioned a poor woman who was so incapacitated that she repeatedly vomited all over herself. That woman was clearly in NO STATE TO KEEP A NEW BORN ALIVE. If a new born drops too much weight you can't go home. There are safety issues for mother and baby and yes these safety issues trump other's comfort and dignity. Survival trumps everything. BUT WE SHOULD NOT BE IN THIS POSITION. We should have properly funded staffing levels so medical staff can give every woman and child the support they need.

Sorry if this has already been covered but I skipped pages 4-9...
People seem to be forgetting not all me are good. There will be partners who are junkies, who are violent, who are creeps. For some women it might be there only break from a controlling or violent partner.
Some men, in the very small minority, force their partners into sex not long after birth. (During med school I saw this happen several times during my brief rotation on Maternity).
Women are in an extremely vulnerable position having just given birth, your partner might be 'nice' but that doesn't mean they all are. Wanting your partner there to help also means the partner of the woman in the next cubicle who 'accidentally' keeps peeping in your curtains will also be allowed 24/7.
The twat who will shout at you to shut your baby the fuck up at 3am (again witnessed that) will be there.
And the obnoxious chatty overfriendly man's mansplaining ones will be there offering you advice you just don't want or need 😆

The only real solution is to have separate bays within the wards for those with and without partners staying but that won't always work out numbers wise.
If pushed I'd say providing a basic safe space for all women needs to come first and once that can be guaranteed then look at how to implement other stuff.

If they're like the simple locks in sports centres I don't think many would have issues opening/closing them? How else do you keep yourself safe in communal areas?

Fwiw the main danger I felt from being in the postnatal ward wasn't from people's partners, but from a volatile drug addict mother who shouted at everyone and neglected her newborn. That and the substandard care from overworked, mostly unavailable midwives.

I have always been against the idea of partners (men specifically) being allowed to stay overnight, but can understand more now why it should be allowed after reading the experiences on here.

I am in New Zealand but didn't actually stay on the ward so wasn't sure what would have been allowed here and just tried to find out online, noted this at one hospital which seems a good compromise;

"Post natal rooms
Partner or one key support person can stay throughout time in the postnatal ward. Please inform staff if you would prefer a female only room."

I would quite happily send DH away for the night. The issue is that on wards where partners are allowed to stay seems to have less if a midwife presence. After a complex birth or C-section, it is so important for women to sleep and recover, yet we are expected to care for newborns who are often up all night with no assistance.

I don't know if this is a Canadian thing, but all of my friends back home who have had babies have the option to sleep through the night and babies are bottle-fed by nurses in a nursery room just off the ward. It seems much more humane to me that someone who has just had massive trauma or surgery be permitted to rest.

I had a c section in May at midnight. We were moved to the antenatal ward at 7am and DH slept in a chair there for an hour or two! I sent him home that evening to get some proper sleep, so that he'd be in a fit state to look after me and the baby when we came home the following day.

That said, there was a lovely girl who didn't speak any English on the ward with her newborn, and when I walked past her cubicle to use the loo I noticed that she was standing up holding the baby whilst her husband/partner was asleep on her bed! Definitely not on but no doubt says something about their relationship overall :(

How is some random partner going to be instrumental in providing nursing or medical care?

if we are playing top trumps, no your opinion of the pp’s care needs does not trump the right of other women to have their needs met, and to have privacy, dignity and safety in what should be a single sex healthcare facility.

Would a good compromise be allowing women to have a female support person overnight? Like a mother, sister or friend.

It is clear that women need support in a lot of cases, especially after a c section and this is categorically not being provided by staff at the moment (not saying midwives aren't good, there's just not enough of them!)

No they aren’t as “entitled” as the healthcare being provided is not for them. Also don’t be so daft. Most of us have chosen to procreate with men, wouldn’t do that if we hated them would we. But a maternity ward with semi naked, bleeding, vulnerable women many with serious wounds or recovering from major surgery, and which is by its nature single sex, is not a place for random blokes to be allowed to stay over IMO

After I had DS I had a big haemorrhage and first night was stuck on the high dependency unit. I had drips in, blood pressure cuff and a catheter in so was basically immobilised. I really struggled to pick up DS when he was crying, and even though there was one nurse to only four patients she offered barely any help, if DH wasn't there I wouldn't have managed. The next night I was moved to the postnatal ward and sent DH to rest that night. It was the worst decision, the MW came round really late and woke me up and then told me very rudely that DS had jaundice I trying to BF but asked to give formula top ups and they were very reluctant to give me formula/bottles, I also ran out of water and no one would bring me anymore despite me asking multiple times. I really wish I'd had DH there to advocate for me. I like to think that most partners are probably perfectly decent and probably just focused on their partner and baby! In an ideal world there would enough side rooms for everyone!

No. Posters seem to be focusing on partners being there to help women with the baby. I'm ND and allowed someone to accompany me during appointments when it wouldn't usually be allowed.
My mum, although we do get on, would not be a calming influence on me in hospital, and lives hundreds of miles away anyway. MIL's presence would make me even more distressed. The only friend I may trust is male, so he wouldn't be allowed.
Not having DP there would have made the situation worse for the women in nearby rooms/on the postnatal ward with me, I am certain nobody would have been able to rest with me on the ward, alone, in a state of extreme distress.

When I had my last DC, the hospital I was in allowed partners to stay overnight but the whole ward was individual en suite rooms so I wasn't actually sharing my sleeping space with men. However there were signs up all over the room and ward saying things like:

• partners must remain fully clothed at all times, alongside a description of what constitutes 'fully clothed' and what doesn't

• shower facilities are for patients only, partners must not shower on the ward and must not walk around the ward in towels

• food and drinks are for patients only, staff will not bring food or drinks for partners

• toast and fruit in the kitchen are for patients, the kitchen itself is staff access only

• partners must remain in rooms between 11pm and 7am, any partners leaving the ward between these times won't be allowed back in until 7am

• the ward entry buzzer should not be repeatedly rang between 11pm and 7am as this disturbs everyone (which is why they don't permit re-entry after 11pm)

• no music or loud television after 11pm

• partners are not to wander the ward and must remain inside the patients room at all times except when exiting or re-entering the ward

• fold-up beds for partners must be folded up during the day

• hospital beds are for patients only/fold up beds are for partners only

• partners and patients must not share a bed

• sexual activity is not permitted anywhere on the ward

• alcohol is not allowed

• takeaways are not allowed and staff will not accept delivery of takeaways

• no phones to be used in the corridor or communal areas, specifically photos or videos

• no vaping is allowed

• no partners allowed at all between 12pm and 2pm as this is a protected patient time (its used for ward rounds and a protected meal time), anyone refusing to leave will be removed by security and refused re-entry

• partners must not bring outside visitors onto the ward between 8pm and 8am

All of these rules exist because there has been a need to create them, when I asked my nurse she said every single one was made in response to partners behaviour and that they create problems on the ward. In the ward welcome pack there was a twee poem to hand out to partners all about keeping their trousers on, not giving staff an eyeful, and remembering that its not a hotel and they are not the patient.

The other major hospital in the area has communal bays and does not allow partners to stay overnight as the bays are designed for four women plus babies so there is no room and it is not conductive to the dignity and comfort of the patients. They do have individual side rooms for women with a clinical need and partners might be able to stay over in these if there is a case for it which is decided on an individual basis, for example when my friend had a horrific delivery and her baby was very ill in special care she was in a side room to recover and her partner was allowed to stay.

When I was literally too ill to care for one of my DC because I was unconscious and my body was deciding whether to respond to treatment or give up, DH was at home and my baby taken elsewhere to be looked after by staff.

Its a real hard one isnt it.

With my first i had an unmedicated shock breech birth in highly traumatic circumstances in a c section recovery ward as we didnt make it to the surgery on time.
I then had a hemorrhage but to be fair that was stopped very quickly, there were no midwives, it was a horrifically busy night in the labour ward. I was washed down by paper towels by a poor wee student midwife.

Anyways i gave birth at 2am and was wheeled up to the labour ward at 4am with husband being told to go home.

I was in shock, knackered, sore, and i remember my baby done their first poo and it went EVERYWHERE, i managed to get her sorted but didnt know how to swaddle her again so i buzzed the midwide, she was very annoyed and said i cant call her for things like that.

I felt vulnerable and alone and had no bloody idea what i was doing so i would have loved the extra support from ANYONE at all.

I think woman need support, If midwifes cant fulfill that role then absolutely husbands should be allowed to stay, however in an ideal world they wouldn't need to as there would be staff to offer full support.

Dont blame the men/husbands, blame the system.

I was hesitant about posting on here, as talking about what happened to me is massively triggering. But I think my perspective adds a new angle.

I was admitted to hospital with PROM, had a horrific induction that lasted over 48 hours and ended in my baby being very sick with sepsis and me with various injuries.
Was placed in a ward with babies with 'normal needs', whilst it became steadily apparent something was wrong with my baby. Having to wake up every time someone else's infant cried when mine wasn't waking full stop. Having to endure happy chat about what a good feeder their baby was when mine was unable to feed. Torturous.
Luckily it was free covid so at least I had my husband there to share in some of the trauma. Baby being operated on, whisked away, grave faces etc. I'm sure it wasn't a picnic for the other women either when I started hysterically crying and a good thing my (also crying) husband was there to calm me down.
We watched multiple babies go home as our baby got no better, and eventually my husband went home to sleep and was exhausted. That night, bearing in mind I had had no sleep due to the combination of long labour, other babies crying, worry a healthcare professional very callously dropped the bomb that my baby was at risk for brain damage and disability. On a public ward, when I was alone. It was my husbands baby as well so he had the right to know anyway, but it was horrible having that information delivered alone and having to deal with it with all the mums of healthy babies around. I'm sure they didn't appreciate the hysterical sobbing and apologising to my baby either.

Anyway, the point is I wasn't catered for because I should not have been in that ward. My husband and I should have been granted privacy and dignity, not only because we were there for so long but also because of what we had to emotionally process. But we were not. The facuilities are not there unless you have a textbook birth.

I am really traumatised and can't imagine what it would have been like if I had been there for over two weeks on my own. I'm at least glad he was allowed on the ward but it wasn't good enough.

And female relatives don't get paternity leave so I would have been unlikely to get help from that quarter, and again, why should mums have to share very personal trauma with other females, whether their own friends, relatives or others on the ward, just because they happen to be the same sex. My husband was the one who needed to share my trauma, he was as sad as me, just because he is a man doesn't mean he could turn his feelings off.

I've since discovered this is not an unusual situation. My friend was on a ward where a mum had lost her baby and was locked in in covid with the 'normal births'. She got reported for screaming and crying hysterically. Surely a private room would have been more appropriate and ability to be comforted by her partner, who had also lost a baby.

All this demanding female only wards as the only option is not addressing the problem, it's creating a new one for a new set of women. Yes, those with trauma from men or who want privacy from men are catered for, but those who need their partner for support, need their partner there because it is a shared trauma or want privacy full stop from other women are not catered for. Instead of blaming women who need their partners with them you should be asking why all our needs are not catered for, from my experience, the only people truly catered for by having an nhs birth are those who have a natural birth, healthy baby and can leave after 24 hours. Those births must be in the minority, so why aren't other situations being catered for?

The solution should be female wards, adequate long stay wards and private wards available for those who need them, not just if you are lucky enough to get one. So fight for that rather than women who have significant trauma due to the fact that female healthcare and birth services are so inadequate.

I've since discovered this is not an unusual situation. My friend was on a ward where a mum had lost her baby and was locked in in covid with the 'normal births'. She got reported for screaming and crying hysterically. Surely a private room would have been more appropriate and ability to be comforted by her partner, who had also lost a baby.

Thats absolutely horrendous 😳

Allowing men to stay is just because there aren't enough staff to actually care for women and babies. But you only need to read the post from midwife midthread about the behaviours she has come across to see it isn't an acceptable solution. It also doesn't work because all they have done is added fully grown men to bays that are designed for one woman and child - I hated that the woman in the bay next to me's partner was sleeping bulged into the curtain so effectively in my bay. Major overcrowding.
Surely the obvious answers are:

• have a bay for men to stay the one night after birth, with a choice for women to go straight to the female only bays
• side rooms are already given based on clinical need, so mums who are infectious or need partners to stay (eg twins, very unwell) get them as priority. We do need more of them but perhaps if people couldnt pay to stay in them more mums who need more support after the birth could get them.

Really though we need more staff and nurseries bringing back for the babies of seriously unwell mothers.

side rooms are already given based on clinical need
Like fuck they are.

I can absolutely see both sides to this and I really dont know what the answer is.

With my DD i had pre eclampsia and had to stay in the maternity ward to be monitored for about 2 weeks before being induced. It was awful having other peoples partners there, snoring and huffing and talking so loudly. The womans partner in the next bed to me was honestly the most repulsive human being Id ever encountered. He was loud, obnoxious blasting loud music out of his phone at all hours, and I felt so sorry for the lady opposite them, she had just had her baby and was trying to breastfeed and he was just staring at her with his tounge practically hanging out. The midwives insisted on keeping the curtains open at all times so they could keep an eye on you even though there was hardly any staff around to check up on people. It really made me think that there is no way that partners should be allowed to stay. My partner didnt stay with me before the birth at all.

However when I gave birth I had some serious complications where my epidural had gone wrong and had to stay in hospital for a week. I was bed bound and completely unable to look after my new baby by myself. Luckily as my partner was allowed to stay he took over all the care of our newborn. I honestly dont know what would have happened if he wasn't allowed to stay. There was such a shortage of midwives that there was nobody around to help.

I remember my mum saying when she had a cesarean back in the 80s, there were staff around that would take the baby off to the nursery and just hand them back to you when they needed feeding or you wanted to cuddle them so you could get some proper bed rest and actually have time to recover from birth.

That seems like much nicer way of doing things but i highly doubt we will ever go back to those times again.

@PanicAtTheNICU

I’m so sorry for what you went through. That standard of care is just not acceptable, it’s not humane, it’s not good enough. Thank you for sharing your story.