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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners sleeping on maternity ward?

420 replies

Jaaxe · 11/10/2022 21:40

I’m due a csection in December, it’s not my first csection so I know birth recovery especially csection isn’t a walk in the park with a newborn and that having your partner in the hospital is helpful and good for bonding but aibu to think partners shouldn't be allowed to stay overnight to sleep in the bays alongside all the other female patients overnight? A side room is fine with me but a bay with other female patients at their most vulnerable, no thanks. I think the flexible visiting during the day is great but having partners camped next to your bed with just a curtain between is a no from me. Aibu?

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 11/10/2022 21:59

PopcornParty · 11/10/2022 21:49

Partners should be allowed to stay. If u don't feel comfortable pay or ask for a side room.

No.

This is public healthcare and all women should be safe and protected on hospital wards by default. If you want your male partner there, you pay for private care elsewhere. You don't get to exclude other women from safe access to care.

crazyhairbear · 11/10/2022 22:00

Luckily on our maternity ward everyone gets their own room so it's not a problem for partners to stay for the duration, which is really beneficial when you've had an EMCS

BlueRibbonPen · 11/10/2022 22:01

My DH stayed with my first child and I was really worried as he couldn’t stay with my second. The latter was preferable. The ward was so much more relaxed and the midwives stepped up to help.

Iwonder08 · 11/10/2022 22:02

Just because you don't need your partner it doesn't mean other women don't. Especially in an ordinary poorly staffed hospital where your average midwife won't bother helping you with non-life and death matters. Men on a ward are not predators, they are there to help a mother of their child.

EL8888 · 11/10/2022 22:02

crazyhairbear · 11/10/2022 22:00

Luckily on our maternity ward everyone gets their own room so it's not a problem for partners to stay for the duration, which is really beneficial when you've had an EMCS

That is the way it should be. I HATE sharing a room, other people are so annoying. I just about can do it with my partner

luxxlisbon · 11/10/2022 22:02

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/10/2022 21:59

Absolutely not. Needs to be a safe space for women and babies. Some women are in very violent and abusive relationships and by allowing men onto wards where women and babies are present and vulnerable, means the possibility of rapes. That is a fact of life sadly.

What on earth are you talking about??
How often is a woman raped on a maternity ward by a partner?
This is not a serious concern that is or should be a factor in whether or not father’s stay overnight.
There are genuine reasons partners might not be allowed to stay, this is not one of them!

roarfeckingroarr · 11/10/2022 22:03

Completely agree with you. MN is very split on this - many women care more about having their partner with them than snout other women's sense of safety and dignity.

Lola3034 · 11/10/2022 22:03

Honestly, like other pp said, I wouldn't mind my OH going home and getting some actual sleep if not the fact that the care I received from the hospital was shocking and well below any standard... it was utter chaos. Very busy on the ward and no actual hands on help. If not him, I don't know I would cope. And with regards to snooring, some of the mums on the ward were the worst culprits during my stay and its also the very same mums who were annoyingly loud on their phones...

OoooohMatron · 11/10/2022 22:04

Definitely not. I can't believe this is allowed to be honest.

LittleMrsPerfect · 11/10/2022 22:05

I don’t want other men on the ward either but if my husband was allowed to visit for more than 2 hours per day last August the other women and babies would not have been kept up all night by my screaming newborn!!!

Gotskeaswr · 11/10/2022 22:05

No bloody way. Nothin less it’s a private room, even then having men on a ward full of vulnerable women isn’t good.
it wasn’t allowed on my post natal- there were 4 women in sections with visitors asked to leave by 10pm

ChillysWaterBottle · 11/10/2022 22:05

YABU and selfish. When I had to stay in after a brutal birth and c section my partner saved me. I couldn't move and waiting for the staff to respond was a waste of time. I was treated horrifically by the midwives and nurses. He was the only one caring for me and the baby, advocating for me, supporting me. If men are overstepping boundaries then maybe the ward staff could do their job and manage the situation. It makes me so angry to read posts by women who happily would've left me suffering alone. I would never give birth in a hospital that wouldn't allow my partner to stay.

LovinglifeAF · 11/10/2022 22:05

YANBU.

it is a ludicrous practice for males to be able to sleep overnight in a single sex hospital facility filled with women at their most vulnerable. I’m so glad it wasn’t a thing when I had mine.

SouperNoodle · 11/10/2022 22:06

This is a tough one for me as I totally agree that it should be a safe space for women but also know that after giving birth/c section, you need loads of support.
After I had my first, I instantly struggled with PND and was hysterical when someone suggested DH go home. I honestly felt that if he left my side, I'd just fall apart. I wouldn't even let him leave to get me food so I refused to eat at first.
We were in our own room thankfully so they brought a camping bed in for him.

In an ideal world, if the resources and money existed, I'd suggest a ward for people who want partners to stay and a women's only ward.

Skinnermarink · 11/10/2022 22:07

the crying point is, women feed more help after birth- from trained staff. I had an ELCS and fared better than most on my ward due to the fact that, although I’d had major surgery, I wasn’t bloody exhausted from labouring beforehand. I still got dumped on the ward at 9pm (no bed available to leave recovery ward for prior to that) but was left with no water and all my belongings out of reach. In the end I just picked up my baby and had him with me in the bed, as no one was coming to help and I couldn’t bear to leave him to cry.

Men shouldn’t have to stay in order to help- in anyway ideal world not would not be necessary. And judging by the amount of snoring and huffing and sighing coming from them they weren’t much help to anyone on my ward anyway.

Banana7 · 11/10/2022 22:07

Jaaxe · 11/10/2022 21:40

I’m due a csection in December, it’s not my first csection so I know birth recovery especially csection isn’t a walk in the park with a newborn and that having your partner in the hospital is helpful and good for bonding but aibu to think partners shouldn't be allowed to stay overnight to sleep in the bays alongside all the other female patients overnight? A side room is fine with me but a bay with other female patients at their most vulnerable, no thanks. I think the flexible visiting during the day is great but having partners camped next to your bed with just a curtain between is a no from me. Aibu?

Yes, I'm totally with you on this one! All I wanted after giving birth was to have a fairly good night's sleep (apart from looking after baby of course but my first one was in the NICU and my next one was mostly sleeping the first two nights too). Definitely not some random guys checking their phones, playing videos and music, having loud video conversations with family /friends at various points during the night.
Resting doesn't seem to be a priority ever for women who have just given birth, just at the time when it's so badly needed!
Partners shouldn't be allowed at night. Night time is for resting.

PuttingDownRoots · 11/10/2022 22:08

Should be an option in private rooms only, or small bays of 2-4 where everyone has a partner. And a woman who requires a women only space should have their needs met.

Amzy22 · 11/10/2022 22:08

Like some of the other posters I had a traumatic birth and don’t know how I would have coped without my DH, either physically or emotionally. Would happily have gone into a private room, but wasn’t allowed as I had to go in the higher need ward so they could keep an eye on me. I could barely move and was a basket case mentally the following day! DH had a awful (lack of) night’s sleep in the most uncomfortable chair, so I would have absolutely sent him home if I could have managed.

I can totally see how some ladies would be uncomfortable with men on the ward. However, equally, adding in the demands of a newborn to a new mother who may be struggling physically and/or be traumatised from the birth doesn’t feel ok…

LovinglifeAF · 11/10/2022 22:09

PopcornParty · 11/10/2022 21:49

Partners should be allowed to stay. If u don't feel comfortable pay or ask for a side room.

Wrong way round. This is a healthcare facility for females. If you want males present, you should pay or go private.

TwiggletLover · 11/10/2022 22:09

I had no idea this was allowed. It certainly wasn't when I had my first dc. Due to the timings of the birth My husband had to leave pretty much as soon as I arrived into the recovery area. I was traumatised that he had to go. Pleaded with the nurses for him to stay but they said no, even though they clearly had no capacity to offer me the the care I needed. That being said I completely understand why it would be annoying to other patients if everyone has their partner there.

SunshineAndFizz · 11/10/2022 22:09

I had a c-section in September and partners weren't allowed to stay overnight on the ward. Haven't been since Covid.

The staff were lovely though - naturally I couldn't pick up DC from the cot myself but I just buzzed and they were always happy to help.

LovinglifeAF · 11/10/2022 22:11

For the women who “couldn’t cope” without their OH, what would you do if having another baby and he had to go home to look after the existing children?

It seems to me allowing men in is just a way to have less staff on to help the women, which is unacceptable

ChillysWaterBottle · 11/10/2022 22:12

PopcornParty · 11/10/2022 21:49

Partners should be allowed to stay. If u don't feel comfortable pay or ask for a side room.

This

OoooohMatron · 11/10/2022 22:13

ChillysWaterBottle · 11/10/2022 22:05

YABU and selfish. When I had to stay in after a brutal birth and c section my partner saved me. I couldn't move and waiting for the staff to respond was a waste of time. I was treated horrifically by the midwives and nurses. He was the only one caring for me and the baby, advocating for me, supporting me. If men are overstepping boundaries then maybe the ward staff could do their job and manage the situation. It makes me so angry to read posts by women who happily would've left me suffering alone. I would never give birth in a hospital that wouldn't allow my partner to stay.

Guess what. You weren't the only one on that ward who had just had a baby. How is it selfish of others not to want to sleep in a room with a bunch of random men? Why are your needs more important than theirs?

OoooohMatron · 11/10/2022 22:14

ChillysWaterBottle · 11/10/2022 22:12

This

Show quote history

Or alternatively pay if you do want partners to stay