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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd 'best' friend has upset her at school today

57 replies

auberginepickle · 11/10/2022 17:21

8 year old Dd came home from school today upset because her 'best' friend hasn't invited her to her birthday after school tea party today. Her friend told her that only her best 3 friends were invited and Dd wasn't one of them.
This has been confounded by the fact I arranged for this friend to come over last week for Dd's 8th birthday after school for tea and cake and a bit of a fuss. There was no party arranged for Dd because we were supposed to be going away for it, but for a number of reasons I moved the holiday to half term instead so thought having her 'best' friend over would make up for the cancelled trip somewhat.
I am really upset for my Dd because yet again, someone she thought of as a friend has upset her to the point she was crying in school over it.
Dd has been invited to this friend's bigger party on the weekend which is basically an all day event at a trampoline park. I really begrudge going to this party now, having to dedicate a whole weekend day there (when I have so many other things I could be doing) and having to buy this girl a gift and card, when she clearly has no real regard for my Dd as a friend. The mother has asked for Pusheen stuff as a gift too, so not cheap 🙄.
I know 8 year olds are fickle and still learning social skills, but this girl is very precocious and I feel her mum is not coming off well in this either for not returning the invite for an after school birthday tea (I am disappointed in mum too as I thought she was nice).
I just wish there was some way of helping my Dd with these unpleasant encounters. She is a very sensitive and anxious child, but doesn't struggle socially (although there is a pattern forming of her being unable to make close friends like her other peers). I worry that she will end up finding it difficult or withdrawing from making new friends because she will always expect to get hurt 😔.

OP posts:
Snowpatrolsnowpatrol · 11/10/2022 17:24

I’m sorry you are going through this. People will say that kids make and break friendships. My own DC is in a similar situation and was in tears today about it.

At least your child has been invited to the main party. Focus on that to cheer your daughter up!

NAME3CHANGE · 11/10/2022 17:27

Help her foster new friendships

inviting different ones for play dates ect until she finds her fit

explain that you can’t always be invited to every party

the other child does not owe your daughter an invite because she came to hers .

she will enjoy the trampoline park with her class mates

send a fiver in the other girls card and don’t over think it

if your daughter sees you upset/anxious that will rub off on her

you can’t force friendships

best of luck

Dollydea · 11/10/2022 17:31

That's quite rude of the mum, I'd never dream of not returning the invite from just a week before. I wouldn't blame the child though, children at that age "change" best friends every few weeks.
Does your DD want to go to the party on the weekend? She might find it difficult on Monday going into school and that's all most of them are talking about, I'd imagine it would just isolate her even further if she isn't able to join in.
I'd just stick £5 in a card and take her anyway, think of it as being a good day out for DD & a chance for her to interact with other children in her class.

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 11/10/2022 17:33

I say this as gently as I can:

This is a really good opportunity for your DD to learn that just because someone is your best friend, it doesn't mean you are theirs.
And this is totally okay.

What if it were the other way around? What if your DD had a friend who considered her a very best friend but your DD didn't feel the same way? Would you force her to choose her over another, closer friend?

Encourage your DD to enjoy the friendship for what it is. Maybe encourage her also to join some clubs or groups where she'll meet other girls her age from different schools and other walks of life and make more friends so she isn't so reliant on one friendship.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 11/10/2022 17:37

Yabu op. First child I assume? I mean that in the kindest way.

Hairday · 11/10/2022 17:38

This whole idea of best friend is a bit toxic. Kids should try to be friends with lots of different people. There's no need to rank friends in order.

Butchyrestingface · 11/10/2022 17:42

Dd has been invited to this friend's bigger party on the weekend which is basically an all day event at a trampoline park. I really begrudge going to this party now, having to dedicate a whole weekend day there (when I have so many other things I could be doing) and having to buy this girl a gift and card, when she clearly has no real regard for my Dd as a friend.

Surely if the girl had no "real regard" for your DD as a friend, she wouldn't have been invited to her trampoline party? which sounds way more fun to me anyway than a tea party

Strugglingtodomybest · 11/10/2022 17:45

This is a really good opportunity for your DD to learn that just because someone is your best friend, it doesn't mean you are theirs.
And this is totally okay.

I agree with this. Use this as a lesson in building resilience.

SerenaTee · 11/10/2022 17:49

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 11/10/2022 17:33

I say this as gently as I can:

This is a really good opportunity for your DD to learn that just because someone is your best friend, it doesn't mean you are theirs.
And this is totally okay.

What if it were the other way around? What if your DD had a friend who considered her a very best friend but your DD didn't feel the same way? Would you force her to choose her over another, closer friend?

Encourage your DD to enjoy the friendship for what it is. Maybe encourage her also to join some clubs or groups where she'll meet other girls her age from different schools and other walks of life and make more friends so she isn't so reliant on one friendship.

Totally this, the birthday girl wasn’t obliged to invite your DD just because your DD invited her to her birthday tea.

These are 8 year old kids, you’re taking it very personally - you were presumably happy enough to sacrifice a weekend day and buy a present for your DD to attend the trampoline party before, it seems a bit churlish to be annoyed at this now you’ve found out she has missed out on a smaller get together.

musingsinmidlife · 11/10/2022 17:54

Her friend has done nothing wrong. Your daughter and this girl are friends but based on their other friendships, this specific friendship is perceived differently by each of them. It sounds like maybe your daughter just has a couple close friends and this other girl maybe has a big network off friends and lots of close friends. That doesn't say anything bad about the girl or your daughter. Many people have been in that situation as personality, extroversion, social circles, etc all mean different kinds of friendships.

Royalbloo · 11/10/2022 17:55

Sounds like my childhood! But I'm trying to teach my DD resilience, so I would skim over it and not react, no matter how upset she was. Anyone is entitled to invite anyone else to their party, and if you're not invited, that's that. She can choose her friends on the basis of who is kind to her, which this isn't.

SunneRising · 11/10/2022 17:58

Your DD invited friend to a birthday tea. Friend has returned the invitation by inviting your DD to her party. Both girls have a birthday social event. So I don't think the mum is rude. (She could equally think you were a cheapskate by not having a party but doing a "tea and a fuss".)

As others have said teach your DD how to navigate this but I think that whilst the other eight year old might not have handled it well, this is not unfair.

Summerfun54321 · 11/10/2022 18:02

Don’t project your disappointment, try and be matter of fact that maybe she isn’t such a good friend which you understand is very disappointing for you DD, but discuss how to foster new friendships. Having 1 best friend isn’t always healthy.

TrashyPanda · 11/10/2022 18:03

Why are you thinking you have to spend the day at the trampoline park?
Surely you will just drop her off?

phishy · 11/10/2022 18:05

Don't get the Pusheen stuff. Get a book.

phishy · 11/10/2022 18:05

A £5 max one.

phishy · 11/10/2022 18:05

Does dd even want to go to the trampoline park?

Notanotherwindow · 11/10/2022 18:12

Get her a shit gift from poundland and if shes likely to say anything I'd be inclined to prime your DD to say that she only gets proper presents for close friends. But then I'm a petty cow.

Prinnny · 11/10/2022 18:16

YABU.

Shes invited to her friends main party but wasn’t chosen for tea tonight, like many other party invitees I imagine. Just because your child views this girl as her BFF it doesn’t make the relationship reciprocated or exclusive.

I would suggest you both work on your personal resilience.

PoeticLicense · 11/10/2022 18:23

Around eight years old is quite a tough time for girls to navigate the minefield that is female friendship. I understand you being upset. The best thing for your DD is for you not to overthink it and to downplay the whole thing. I would ask your DD if she still wants to go to the trampoline party and, if she does, send her with a card and a £5 book or similar. Don't put too much thought into the present. If your DD doesn't want to go, I would just call off saying something vague like something has come up. The most important thing is your DD's self-esteem. I would be encouraging her to widen her friendship group to less precious/precocious girls who are perhaps more worthy of her affection.

phishy · 11/10/2022 18:25

Notanotherwindow · 11/10/2022 18:12

Get her a shit gift from poundland and if shes likely to say anything I'd be inclined to prime your DD to say that she only gets proper presents for close friends. But then I'm a petty cow.

Love this.

PoeticLicense · 11/10/2022 18:25

At eight years old a girl is old enough to know it is hurtful to say you are having a tea for your best friends when you were invited for a special birthday tea by yourself the previous week. YANBU at all.

Iguanainanigloo · 11/10/2022 18:28

At 8, their friendships can still be quite fickle and fluid, and I can guarantee if I ask my 8 year old who her best friends are from one week to the next, the names will be completely different each time! She has got a couple of children that she's closer to, as I'm good friends with the mums, so we'll often do stuff with all 3 of them together, including mini tea parties to celebrate the girls birthday, and get together ourselves separate to the "main party". Could it be this? That the mum is more friendly with those mums, so it's kind of a "party" for her dd, but also a get together with the other parents she's closest to? I understand it's upsetting seeing your child feeling left out, but it happens, and is a part of life we all have to unfortunately learn to live with and deal with. Actually an important life skill. Don't begrudge your daughter getting to go to the main party on the weekend, as I'm sure she's excited to go, and will have lots of fun. No need to emphasize and focus on the need for a "best friend" at that age, as someone is always going to get upset, and causes tensions when one of the children wants to spend time with someone else.

Hesma · 11/10/2022 18:29

She been invited to the party… you are being very precious and entitled

ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/10/2022 18:31

As heartbreaking as it is to see your child upset over something like this, the other family haven’t done anything wrong.

They reciprocated your invitation by inviting your dd to their party. That you only had an after school celebration with one friend for your dd is irrelevant to their plans.