Dd 'best' friend has upset her at school today

[auberginepickle]

8 year old Dd came home from school today upset because her 'best' friend hasn't invited her to her birthday after school tea party today. Her friend told her that only her best 3 friends were invited and Dd wasn't one of them.
This has been confounded by the fact I arranged for this friend to come over last week for Dd's 8th birthday after school for tea and cake and a bit of a fuss. There was no party arranged for Dd because we were supposed to be going away for it, but for a number of reasons I moved the holiday to half term instead so thought having her 'best' friend over would make up for the cancelled trip somewhat.
I am really upset for my Dd because yet again, someone she thought of as a friend has upset her to the point she was crying in school over it.
Dd has been invited to this friend's bigger party on the weekend which is basically an all day event at a trampoline park. I really begrudge going to this party now, having to dedicate a whole weekend day there (when I have so many other things I could be doing) and having to buy this girl a gift and card, when she clearly has no real regard for my Dd as a friend. The mother has asked for Pusheen stuff as a gift too, so not cheap 🙄.
I know 8 year olds are fickle and still learning social skills, but this girl is very precocious and I feel her mum is not coming off well in this either for not returning the invite for an after school birthday tea (I am disappointed in mum too as I thought she was nice).
I just wish there was some way of helping my Dd with these unpleasant encounters. She is a very sensitive and anxious child, but doesn't struggle socially (although there is a pattern forming of her being unable to make close friends like her other peers). I worry that she will end up finding it difficult or withdrawing from making new friends because she will always expect to get hurt 😔.

I feel very sorry for your daughter - I was her over 20 years ago and it feels gut wrenching. I had many sleepless nights worrying about friendships. Please don't worry about her. How she is at 8 is no way how she will be as a teenager, student and adult. I am 30+ now and have great friends. Girls are nasty and play the exclusion/best friends card all the time. Do something nice with her this evening to take her mind off it.

To answer a few points made:
I can’t be regarded as a cheapskate for not organising a bigger party surely? I explained on here and to the mum that the tea was a last minute thing because of a cancelled holiday for DD’s birthday. It’s a little difficult to organise a big party at a few days notice.
The trampoline party is a half hour drive away and we are expected to stay.
No, Dd is not a first child. I have a 25 year old son from a previous relationship and didn’t experience this kind of thing with him growing up. Things seem so much more complicated now!
I guess it stings because I still remember certain so called friends saying hurtful things to me growing up, and I’m projecting my own hurtful experiences as a child onto this situation, so I know I am being a bit over sensitive here.
I do encourage her to make lots of friends, she goes to Brownies and makes friends at swimming lessons too. Her teachers always say what a ray of sunshine she is, that she has no issues socially and is popular in school (despite never being asked on play dates or to lots of parties like other kids in her class).
Dd has said that’s not how good friends are supposed to speak, and I agreed saying that, yes, her friend hasn’t explained things very nicely.

Love this! Hahaha, I’m thinking a re-gift so I don’t even have to bother going Poundland 😂!

I think you're taking this a little bit too personally. Imo the best thing to do would be to tell your DD she can't be invited to everything, remind her that she'll have the fun of the trampoline party and encourage her to diversify and be resilient in her friendships. Sometimes friendships evolve and sometimes friends let us down, but there's no point dwelling on it.

I wouldn't be buying an expensive gift though!

Kids sometimes say things not always in the best way, I've had something similar recently and you just have to take it with a pinch of salt as they can be very blunt.

Could be a variety of reasons why she's not invited to the child's house (and these trampoline parties are pretty bloody expensive so it makes sense to keep this thing small) for example the mum is friends with the other kids mums and wants a chat at the casual birthday tea.

please don’t try to force kids together, you can nudge them but after that it’s down to the children. You push and all that will happen is they’ll break apart in a spectacular way. And the other parent can’t make her daughter invite someone. I’ve seen mothers stop talking and then their children get back together but the mothers don’t and it’s so sad. She’s invited to the big day out, definitely definitely go!! And I’m so so sorry op, I’ve been where you are and it’s so hard. The only thing is remember they are so young and there will be downs but so many ups too.

I’m really not ‘forcing’ anything here. The girls have had a couple of play dates over the summer hols . The mum always expects us both to stay together with the girls whenever we meet up, so I have gotten to know the mum quite well now…enough to ask me if I would be available for regular free childcare at one point!

Yes, it is hurtful, but I can guarantee this kind of thing will happen again. This is how many girls operate at this age. This is partly being a bit unkind but also lacking empathy and maturity.

Your biggest error would be to get sucked into making a big deal of this by sacking off the party or saying anything much about it. Your best bet would be to say something like 'Oh what a shame, maybe she could only invite three people. Anyway, shall we get some ... as a treat. I would also big up the great day at the weekend. You can be privately cross but being offended and upset won't help your dd and will make this into a bigger upset than it needs to be.

I am a teacher and have often seen this kind of thing. I will always remember a little girl in my year 6 class who was left out of a birthday trip to town, pizza and cinema by a queen bee type. She told me very matter of factly - 'my mum has talked to me about this and said that people can invite whoever they like. I know she is not being very nice though. Me and mum will do something fun instead'. She was brilliant and I remember thinking that her mum had really helped her to deal with it in the best way possible.

She could equally think you were a cheapskate by not having a party but doing a "tea and a fuss"

This is comment is completely unecessary and a cheap shot imo. There is nothing to suggest that the girls Mum thinks this, but if she did it would make her incredibly judgemental and shallow.

When it’s your child it does hurt when they are upset. But kids are fickle as you say and when restricted to a few friends some kids will inevitably be left out. Your DD has been invited to this child’s party, she could have been left out completely. Try not to take it to heart, I can guarantee you in 5yrs time you’ll wonder why these things upset you so much (as do I now)

Sorry I don't understand the problem really. She's been invited to the party ? Surely that's the main thing and not the tea. Stop making a fuss about it and be careful to not let this rub off on your daughter I would just be saying oh well the party will be so much fun

Not all invitations are reciprocated. True at age 8 and as adults. Please don't make this a big deal for her.

My DD is 8, all the girls in the class are BFFs with each other depending on what day you ask them. The birthday girl could only have a very limited number of people round to her house, her not choosing your DD doesn't make her mean, or not a friend, it just means that she had to pick her top 3 of the moment and your DD wasn't in that list.

As an adult I would expect you to model a grown up attitude and explain that to your daughter. They are clearly still friend or she wouldn't have been invited to the bigger party. Deliberately choosing a crap present as a form of revenge is petty and won't help the situation. You should choose the same kind of present you would give to any other friend, in the budget level you would usually give.

She sees your daughter as a friend, your daughter sees hers as her ‘best’ friend-therein lies the problem. The girl and her mum have done nothing wrong! She likes your daughter well enough to invite her to her party.

If she/you are really hurt by this and don’t want to ‘waste’ your weekend going to party, don’t go. Go and do all the other things you want to be doing instead. Is your daughter happy to do your weekend jobs instead of going to a party?

I agree with the above comment. Children have different best friends constantly. Just because your DD see’s this girl as her bestie doesn’t mean the other one see’s her as this. Just the same as adults, I am someone’s closest best friend but I myself have other best friends who I see closer than her. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be friends or this is a bad thing.
I get the upset, my best friend at through primary and secondary school would have other best friends sometimes over me and it’s natural to feel jealous and left out especially at 8 years old.
She is invited to the main party, and I would say that speaks volumes on the facts they are still friends.

Oh god hang onto your hat op you have a few years of this ahead!

My advice fwiw is to try to model breezy nonchalance as they will take your lead. Build up her confidence and encourage a broad friendship group these intense “best friend” set ups can be poisonous. Listen to Taylor Swift “Best Day” and “Mean” she went through this!

I still in my heart of hearts foster a deep hatred for the mother who invited a group to an outing then all but two to a sleepover afterwards. Dd2 was one of the two girls collected. The birthday bitch spent the whole party crowing about the sleepover. Dd (a calm usually cheerful child) was sobbing when Dh and her arrived home and Dh was furious too. They was 6 years ago so seems I am still holding a grudge!

The mother has asked for Pusheen stuff as a gift too, so not cheap 🙄.

Did you ask the mother what her daughter wanted? She has to say something!

I think you're reading way too much into,it. It happened to me at school, i soon found my own way, you should brush it off, protect her from negativity, don't show her you think it's a big deal or she'll start catastrophising and upset herself as well.

This. She will respond to your reaction.

It's tough but you've got years ahead of you of this. You need to avoid projecting your own stuff onto the situation

She wants you to buy expensive gifts and do regular free childcare for her?

Putting this thing to one side, you've been well taken in imo.

This is a really good post OP.

I do get how you feel - I think one of the hardest things is watching your child trying to navigate the world, and getting hurt in the process. Of course it brings out your protective instincts , but in reality, this other girl hasn't done much wrong.

Having said that, as your DD clearly isn't one of her besties, like bollocks would I be buying her Pusheen stuff. As others said, a fiver in the card will suffice.

As she grows up, your DD will make new friends. I have a sensitive, anxious DD (who's autistic so really struggles with friendships) so I know how hard it is to look on sometimes.

It sounds as if they will be spending more on the children per head at the trampoline park than you spent on the birthday party so I’m struggling to understand the attitude toward the gift.

You will not be doing your dd any favours if you give any old tat. If the birthday girl’s mum says something to her dd, perhaps even not maliciously eg surprise at the gift, yours could end up being picked on for it. My dd’s former bestie blanked her overnight for 6 months after something the parent said. Much better to let it go and get a nice gift. Something similar price range to what she got your dd.

As for the non invite, always teach your dd to treat herself well when upset and take her out somewhere nice for a treat. This is what I did with mine when she was not invited to this former besties party and devastated.

Do not listen to the mean girl attitude on this thread op. Your job is to pretend you haven’t even noticed.

As for the last minute, it was going to be a holiday thing, I’m really confused by that. Basically you didn’t intend to have anyone over and you did something really low key, correct? This tea is low key as well by the sound of it. The party is the main event.

The mum has probably invited the children of people she wants free childcare from.

It is so hard to see your child upset by situations like this but the best thing you can do is lead by example and just brush it off. It is possible that these plans were made in advance of your DDs last minute birthday tea and as she was invited to the main party her DM thought no more of it. It is also possible that the birthday girl invited exactly who she wanted to her birthday tea. There does come a point where parents cannot dictate to their DCs who they should invite or play with based on what we think is the correct thing to do. DD once refused point blank to invite a girl who had been mean to her even though she had been to this girls party (the incident happened in between) and I really couldn't argue with her.

Maybe she had invited the other girls already. Honestly this is little girls all over!one minute bestie next not .your dd is going to the weekend party.just relax and enjoy that.giving up time is all about being a parent. Just say to dd that sometimes you can't ask everyone