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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I done anything wrong? Am I a bad person?

73 replies

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 22:04

Last night I hopped in the bath about a hour after my partners DD had gone to bed. She woke up and needed the toilet and my DP had a big go saying she should have gone before bed but was too lazy to do so before bed. So I get out and wait in my towel to get back in and it's pretty cold. Her DD said I won't be long to me and I say yea ok, can you please hurry up. She goes back to bed, I hop back in the bath. All fine.

Tonight I get a message from DP saying your reply to DD last night made her cry. I said what reply, she says "just hurry up". I said I definitely didn't use those words as that's quite blunt and abrupt. Then told her what I actually said and apologies if I had in fact upset her DD. She asked why I was getting funny and I just said we'll I hadn't said those words and I feel you're making out I've been horrible and I'm being scapegoated and you had a really big go at her so maybe that's why she was upset. She called me selfish and said I should think about how I've made a child feel.........even though I'd apologised a few times by this point.
She then said she was absolutely furious with me and I should think before my next reply........ I said I'm sorry I didn't mean to make her cry, what I said wasn't bad. She replied well you have (made her cry)

Am I a bad person here??

For context there's been some issues between us the last couple months. I almost walked away but stayed and tried to work things out and see if she would change

OP posts:
CassandraBarrett · 10/10/2022 22:05

Walk away

Brefugee · 10/10/2022 22:08

not unreasonable. But end it - they are not ready to live with you.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 10/10/2022 22:10

Urgh this is why I will never date someone with children. My ex was just like this. I couldn’t say a word to his DCs without being made to feel like the evil stepmother. Life’s too short to deal with someone else’s poor parenting

Afterfire · 10/10/2022 22:14

How old is the dd? I feel a bit sorry for them that they got told off for needing a wee - does it really matter? Maybe they didn’t realise they needed to go before bed?

I don’t think what you said was particularly bad but you both sound quite harsh towards her.

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 22:15

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 10/10/2022 22:10

Urgh this is why I will never date someone with children. My ex was just like this. I couldn’t say a word to his DCs without being made to feel like the evil stepmother. Life’s too short to deal with someone else’s poor parenting

This is the thing I'm never mean to her DD. This morning she was getting sad and saying she felt ugly so I sat with her cuddling her and telling her how amazing she is. Then I get this tonight. Feels like a kick in the teeth

OP posts:
SPH112 · 10/10/2022 22:16

Afterfire · 10/10/2022 22:14

How old is the dd? I feel a bit sorry for them that they got told off for needing a wee - does it really matter? Maybe they didn’t realise they needed to go before bed?

I don’t think what you said was particularly bad but you both sound quite harsh towards her.

She's 11

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 10/10/2022 22:19

You were ready to walk before. Just do it. This doesn't have to be your life.

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 22:22

Also thinking about it I feel like her DD is putting it on me because I feel like she doesn't want to tell her mum that it was her that upset her. My DP had a go at her last night and snapped at her this morning too but me replying to her about being quick has made me the target......

OP posts:
ThanksAntsThants · 10/10/2022 22:23

No, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. She hasn’t changed, now it’s time to walk away.

LikeTearsInRain · 10/10/2022 22:24

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 10/10/2022 22:10

Urgh this is why I will never date someone with children. My ex was just like this. I couldn’t say a word to his DCs without being made to feel like the evil stepmother. Life’s too short to deal with someone else’s poor parenting

I had a similar experience with an ex. Had a video call with DP. When it was in the process of ending the phone was handed to DD (5) who I talked to for a few minutes then said I was busy and had to go, said goodbye etc. I then got spammed with whatsapp voice notes of random childish noises, fart sounds etc. I didn’t feel in a position to ask them to stop or tell them to stop being silly as I’d only met her a handful of times, so just left it and figured she would get bored. She did. And that was that. Ex DP later messaged as normal, didn’t make any note of all the voice notes (if my DS had done something like this I would be super apologetic to the adult for all the spam silly noises). Anyways a week or so later in an unrelated argument I was accused of being mean to a child and making my ex’s DD upset because I had ignored the messages.

SO1926 · 10/10/2022 22:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as the poster seemed to be a troll

Dotcheck · 10/10/2022 22:27

There isn’t much difference between ‘ just hurry up’ and ‘yeah, please just hurry up’

However- you apologised, several times.
Perhaps time to knock it on the head

BorisDaBest2019 · 10/10/2022 22:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SO1926 · 10/10/2022 22:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as the poster seemed to be a troll

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 22:28

LikeTearsInRain · 10/10/2022 22:24

I had a similar experience with an ex. Had a video call with DP. When it was in the process of ending the phone was handed to DD (5) who I talked to for a few minutes then said I was busy and had to go, said goodbye etc. I then got spammed with whatsapp voice notes of random childish noises, fart sounds etc. I didn’t feel in a position to ask them to stop or tell them to stop being silly as I’d only met her a handful of times, so just left it and figured she would get bored. She did. And that was that. Ex DP later messaged as normal, didn’t make any note of all the voice notes (if my DS had done something like this I would be super apologetic to the adult for all the spam silly noises). Anyways a week or so later in an unrelated argument I was accused of being mean to a child and making my ex’s DD upset because I had ignored the messages.

Wow this was strange to bring it up a week later. Is this kind of stuff the reason why your relationship ended?

OP posts:
Oojamaflipp · 10/10/2022 22:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as the poster seemed to be a troll

Eh?

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 22:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Erm ok.....

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/10/2022 22:43

Yanbu. That is bonkers.
I'd be pissed off if my biological children disturbed my bath, I'd definitely hurry them along.

Mariposista · 10/10/2022 22:45

The kid has serious issues if they cry that easily.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 10/10/2022 23:01

Imo his dd is punishing you for not actually being her dm when you make her feel special when she feels rubbish.

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 23:03

Mariposista · 10/10/2022 22:45

The kid has serious issues if they cry that easily.

I guess her hormones are all over the place atm as a preteen

OP posts:
SPH112 · 10/10/2022 23:03

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 10/10/2022 23:01

Imo his dd is punishing you for not actually being her dm when you make her feel special when she feels rubbish.

Sorry I don't get this?

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 10/10/2022 23:12

11 year old should be able to wait until the bathroom is free. She sounds like a brat. Look at this as a warning of things to come.

1ittlegreen · 10/10/2022 23:13

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 23:03

Sorry I don't get this?

I think this poster is assuming you are a woman and your partner is a man

Pumpkindoodles · 10/10/2022 23:16

Dp overreacted that’s why DSD was upset

but also unless she’d been in there for 10 or more minutes I don’t know why you needed to tell her to hurry up, she was peeing, I can’t imagine it was going to take that long, and she was already being told off, don’t think you needed to join in.

it wasn’t major though, just one comment, dp was the real problem