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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I done anything wrong? Am I a bad person?

73 replies

SPH112 · 10/10/2022 22:04

Last night I hopped in the bath about a hour after my partners DD had gone to bed. She woke up and needed the toilet and my DP had a big go saying she should have gone before bed but was too lazy to do so before bed. So I get out and wait in my towel to get back in and it's pretty cold. Her DD said I won't be long to me and I say yea ok, can you please hurry up. She goes back to bed, I hop back in the bath. All fine.

Tonight I get a message from DP saying your reply to DD last night made her cry. I said what reply, she says "just hurry up". I said I definitely didn't use those words as that's quite blunt and abrupt. Then told her what I actually said and apologies if I had in fact upset her DD. She asked why I was getting funny and I just said we'll I hadn't said those words and I feel you're making out I've been horrible and I'm being scapegoated and you had a really big go at her so maybe that's why she was upset. She called me selfish and said I should think about how I've made a child feel.........even though I'd apologised a few times by this point.
She then said she was absolutely furious with me and I should think before my next reply........ I said I'm sorry I didn't mean to make her cry, what I said wasn't bad. She replied well you have (made her cry)

Am I a bad person here??

For context there's been some issues between us the last couple months. I almost walked away but stayed and tried to work things out and see if she would change

OP posts:
PrioritiseCalm · 11/10/2022 03:05

It doesn't seem like a massive issue really.
Kids get upset about stuff.
Was her mum tired and snappy? Or annoyed with you for another reason?
Are you male or female op?

miraveile · 11/10/2022 03:43

The main issue here is that your partner sounds like she is vile to her own child. Why is she shouting at her morning and night? Not your problem but I hope you plan to address this whether you stay or go?

CalicoAnnie · 11/10/2022 04:04

‘Hurry up then’ is a perfectly reasonable response to being asked to get out if the bath for an 11 year old child to go to the toilet. If my DC asked me to do this my response would have been the same and probably accompanied with a big sigh.

I don’t think you did anything wrong and agree you are being scapegoated.

RondaYolanda · 11/10/2022 04:18

Are you a man or a woman?

ChagSameachDoreen · 11/10/2022 04:37

Mariposista · 10/10/2022 22:45

The kid has serious issues if they cry that easily.

It's a female child. You can say "she".

SadSuzie · 11/10/2022 07:20

Are you a man?

EbbyEbs · 11/10/2022 07:23

The kid is a drama queen and so is her parent.

She’d have had to wait until I’ll finished my bath in this house so you were kinder than I would have been.

TheNoodlesIncident · 11/10/2022 07:30

It's normal for anyone ousted from a warm bath to say things like "please don't be long", "hurry though will you?" and similar. Especially if you don't say them in angry or snappy tones. It sounds like your partner was actually more curt than you were so I would agree that you got the brunt of the bad feeling about the whole thing.

I wouldn't blame you for walking if this is yet another example of how things are between you. Life's too short for inadequate relationships.

Original poster
SPH112 · 11/10/2022 07:33

RondaYolanda · 11/10/2022 04:18

Are you a man or a woman?

I'm a woman

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 11/10/2022 07:34

There's no such thing as "a bad person", but the two of you may have communication difficulties.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/10/2022 07:34

OP what do you expect to change in this situation? It just seems like same shit different day from our perspectives.

Original poster
SPH112 · 11/10/2022 07:36

TheNoodlesIncident · 11/10/2022 07:30

It's normal for anyone ousted from a warm bath to say things like "please don't be long", "hurry though will you?" and similar. Especially if you don't say them in angry or snappy tones. It sounds like your partner was actually more curt than you were so I would agree that you got the brunt of the bad feeling about the whole thing.

I wouldn't blame you for walking if this is yet another example of how things are between you. Life's too short for inadequate relationships.

Once back in the bath it was cold so I tried to quickly run the hot tap to warm it up a bit but got snapped at by my partner as her DD couldn't then sleep.

This isn't the first instance with my partner

OP posts:
tranquiltortoise · 11/10/2022 07:36

The kid was probably upset because your partner went ballistic about her getting out of bed to go to the loo, and then your comment just tipped her over.

I doubt 'hurry up' would have been a problem at all if she hadn't just been bollocked for getting out of bed. Although I also don't really know why she needed to be told to hurry up if she was just having a wee, so you also added to it.

All sounds pretty dysfunctional really. Why does it matter if she gets out of bed for the loo?

Original poster
SPH112 · 11/10/2022 07:37

tranquiltortoise · 11/10/2022 07:36

The kid was probably upset because your partner went ballistic about her getting out of bed to go to the loo, and then your comment just tipped her over.

I doubt 'hurry up' would have been a problem at all if she hadn't just been bollocked for getting out of bed. Although I also don't really know why she needed to be told to hurry up if she was just having a wee, so you also added to it.

All sounds pretty dysfunctional really. Why does it matter if she gets out of bed for the loo?

It doesn't, I didn't tell her off for that. My partner did

OP posts:
FeralWitch · 11/10/2022 07:38

Oh my god, LTB.

She sounds dreadful.

SleeplessInEngland · 11/10/2022 07:39

Everyone will tell you the same thing - walk away. So will you?

tranquiltortoise · 11/10/2022 07:39

SPH112 · 11/10/2022 07:37

It doesn't, I didn't tell her off for that. My partner did

Show quote history

I know. Your partner was being weird telling her off for that. But also you probably didn't need to tell her to hurry up, as she wouldn't have taken long anyway. She had just been told off, so that wasn't helpful.

I think you are all behaving a bit strangely and sounds like everyone is a bit hypersensitive at the moment.

TirisfalPumpkin · 11/10/2022 07:53

I’ve never heard anyone being kicked out of their bath so someone could wee before. They should wait til the bathroom
is free, unless we’re talking imminent toddler accident. It’s going to be 20 mins tops, right?

as to your question, no, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your partner sounds to be bullying both you and the dd.

Angelinflipflops · 11/10/2022 07:57

This is why I don't have baths at the that time of night

midlifecrash · 11/10/2022 07:57

Well she sounds like an absolute cow, snapping at you , snapping at her DD and blaming you, always has to be in the right. Why do you want to live with her?

Original poster
SPH112 · 11/10/2022 08:02

midlifecrash · 11/10/2022 07:57

Well she sounds like an absolute cow, snapping at you , snapping at her DD and blaming you, always has to be in the right. Why do you want to live with her?

I don't want to live with her. We don't live together

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 08:09

If she cried because of what you said it's only because her mom had already upset her and she felt like you were having a go too because she was feeling sensitive

Armadillidium · 11/10/2022 08:19

You probably need to consider if you want this relationship to continue.

I’d walk tbh.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/10/2022 08:19

OP on some level do you just enjoy the drama here? You don't live together, you could just dial it all down and not spend so much time together in her home. You're doing this for a reason

mondaytosunday · 11/10/2022 08:21

Your partner feels guilty for having a go at their child so is putting it on you. Doesn't sound that healthy if something this minor gets blown up to the point you have to ask yourself if you're a bad person.